Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I’m wondering whether your daughter is feeling too much pressure to make this holiday work. I get a sense from your posts that unless she’s with you you sort of… close down. You don’t want to go anywhere, do anything, cook, eat, have a drink, walk. Of course she shouldn’t be so rude but it is incredibly draining to feel completely responsible for someone else’s happiness. I might be completely off track but if you do just do your own thing, or call it a day for this holiday and give her some space this might improve things. Do you live together?

She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to eat out or go to a bar and it’s rural so she doesn’t want to leave the hotel, she’s already read her book. She doesn’t want to cook for herself.

OP’s only plan for the evenings was to cook for her daughter and then talk to her daughter. If she can’t do that she will just starve herself and go to bed.

@OPtake your DD out of the picture. She’s not going to communicate. If she’s been crying all day she’s in shutdown. She’s not going to hang out. So make your decisions on that basis going forward.

She sounds like a really selfish and self-centred person. Like a young teenager! I’d love to have a mum like you who wants to come on holiday with me and spend valuable time together. She doesn’t know how lucky she is. Tell her how you feel when you get back from the trip as she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour.

DD sounds an absolute nightmare, and it's completely apparent why none of her friends want to go away with her.

I would let her know what you're going to be doing tomorrow and what time you're leaving to do it. If she's downstairs and ready she can come, if not she stays home alone.

And then I'd fuck off for the day and ignore any messages from her.

Lunch could be a toastie and a coke, whatever, in a little cafe somewhere. Or a pub lunch (depending where you are).

Treat yourself to a new book.

If you can do the activities alone, crack on. If you can't do it without her, that's a shame, but the money's already spent so 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't bother arguing with her any more, she's clearly unable to change and act/communicate like a normal human. It's almost like she's regressed to being a sulky teenager again, and god knows the first time around was hard enough.

It's a couple more days, just make the best of it, and resolve 'never NEVER again'.

Stop asking what her intentions are. Just tell her what you are going to do and at what time, and if she wants to join you she can.
Neither of you are good communicators by the sounds of it.

I can see from the OP’s point of view that if there’s this big black cloud hanging over things, it is difficult to enjoy yourself. It’s different going somewhere alone in the first place from being with another person but having an uncomfortable or hostile atmosphere. It really kills the mood.

@Holidaymiserymum
Is this normal for your daughter?
There’s something going on and I don’t think it’s age to be honest.
I can’t tell you what it is obviously, but if I were in your position I personally wouldn’t be thinking too much about how this was ruining what could have been a lovely holiday, and think more about the relationship between me and my daughter. Not in any way to allocate blame, just as a reflection on how to improve things.

Think about why she doesn’t feel confident or capable of expressing herself and her needs to you.
Why couldn’t she come down and face you and resorts to hiding in her room?
Why she finds coping in a different place so difficult and tiring?

The thing is OP, it seems that all of this is a surprise to you. As if you didn’t expect it.
Is she depressed? Can she make and maintain friends? Could she be Autistic? Does she suffer from severe hormonal fluctuations in her cycle. She’s 22, not 15, it’s not the average teenager pushing boundaries.
It sounds like you are a patient thoughtful mother, who has gone out her way to halp her daughter.

Not cooking the food you bought and just having crisps is a bit martyrish. It’s just pasta - if she doesn’t want to come down and eat it, stick it in the fridge for tomorrow.

Your DD is not listening to you and is playing you, so just stop trying to make her behave decently, because it plays into her hands with her being able to accuse you of being angry. Tomorrow, get up, make yourself a packed lunch, don’t hang around for her to get her arse in gear or try to cajole her, take the car and do whatever it is you had on your itinerary without her. She needs to understand her shitty behaviour has consequences and that it’s your holiday too.

I find it hard to believe that your daughter is so different at home that this behaviour is out of the blue to you.

Time to go home. Sort out flights and tell DD what time to be ready. If she won't come with you, leave her there. She's a grown up and able to work out a route home. Sad for you.

I wonder what this thread would look like from dd's pov?

Fucking he’ll op 22???

my 16 yr old like that on the first day of holidays always and I have to tell her to sort her shit out and behave or stay behind each day when we go out.

but 22????

she’s old enough to vote,be married have a family have a mortgage ffs why is she behaving like a stroppy teenager???

I get the feeling you e enabled this behaviour far too much.

have a word with yourself and tell her to sort her shit out and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

tell her she should be grateful you’ve gone with her and she is ruining your trip with her shitty attitude.

tell her when you get home not to ask you to do anything g like this again as you won’t be.

Work out a plan to get you both home, present it to her and say that's what you are planning and that she is welcome to stay or come home. Don't pander to her anymore, it's telling that she fell out with her friend on holiday

It does seem that it would be interesting.

But why not just say that she doesn't want to do something?

To be fair I think the op is being fair.

Op don’t ask her tomorrow just tell her. I’m leave for xyz and 10am. Come if you want but I’m leaving at 10. That’s it

Yes, but OP said same happened with the DD’s friend on holiday and that ended in tears.

Frankly there are some people - adults - who are never going to be laid back and amenable. If they’re fed up/in a bad mood/things aren’t to their liking, everyone has to suffer.

Myself and my Dd, 22 at the time, had an absoutely magical time on safari last year, trip of a lifetime. Only time she complains is in the airport because she says I get too stressed and annoyed😅

This is the second one in 2 weeks- mums and sulky early 20 something daughters!!

Well now you know what happened on her other holidays and why nobody wants to go away with her.

Personally I'd make the best of it. You've got the car, just go and do your own thing. Have adventures.

You come across as scared of your daughter. Don’t think this relationship is remotely salvageable and there must be a big back story ….

Dd keeps sending me memes of mums and dds on holiday; yep, it’s true that dd has to lead me by the nose through an airport as I keep losing my glasses and can’t find my boarding pass on the app and generally become fully incompetent!

Sounds like you are very invested in a joint holiday, but that’s clearly not going to happen and you may be coming across as needy because of your efforts to communicate. The more you try to communicate the more she resents you because it is placing pressure on her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Step back. Buy some wine, cook some pasta and have a glass of wine and read a good book every night. Let her know you’re going out at 10am if she wants a lift. Take her with you then say you will meet her back at the spot in 3 hours for a lift home. Let her do her own thing and you do yours. Many holidays are ruined because expectations don’t meet the reality. Just go with the flow. This is the only way to get through this holiday - or just go home.

Tbh I think your issue is not that you have an immature sulking daughter, but that your daughter is an abusive and rather nasty person. If she were your DH or DP even MNer on here every post would likely be telling you to LTB.

In this case I think you need to come to terms with the fact that even if you love your child you can also actually deeply dislike them - especially if they are abusive and coercively controlling.

In your shoes, I’d leave her. Either book alternative accommodation in each place and just go ahead on your own and, if she lives with you at home, I’d be telling her to move out when you get back.

Just because she is your child doesn’t mean you have to put up with it - and if you do, you don’t help her. Being a parent doesn’t mean you have a higher threshold of tolerance for shitty behaviour than an unrelated friend. She needs to be made aware that her behaviour is unacceptable and that you are no longer willing to be her emotional punching bag - and that there are consequences for it. She can either get some counselling when she gets home and apologise or you go very low contact.

I’d go home. She thinks nothing of leaving you so I would disappear and leave a note saying ‘later’.

What is your relationship usually like at home

I’d tell her you’re going to the hospital with chest pains to snap her out of her self obsessed mood.