Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

This sounds horrendous, I’m so sorry for you!

I know it’s easy for a stranger to say, but you are giving her too much attention. She’s acting like a child and therefore you must reach into your bag of tricks for dealing with rude children - ignore her. Do not reward her behaviour with your attention - be it positive or negative. You have tried talking, telling her off, calling a truce and pandering to her - none of this has worked so time to just ignore her. If she speaks to you respond politely. Tell her today exactly what you plan to do tomorrow and then stick to it. If she is not ready on time or sleeping, just leave and make a determined effort to enjoy your day. If you truly cannot do that, go home and leave her without a car.

She may be 22 but as her parent it is still your responsibility to teach her that people will not stick around if she behaves like a dick. Having two holidays end prematurely may well be what she needs to internalise this lesson.

You sound like a very nice person OP, still trying to make the effort with your daughter.. I would have lost my shit long before this!!
I’m sorry but whatever the reason for her horrible attitude and nasty behaviour she has NO excuse to basically bully you like she is.
22 is not that young actually, at my workplace I have colleagues that age in jobs where people’s lives and / or wellbeing depend on them.
I would be telling her to grow up, change her attitude towards you and to act like a pleasant adult rather than a spoilt rude child.
I would not be waiting around for her to make a move at all - it seems she’s making you wait around deliberately to ruin your holiday for some weird reason.
I would be going out solo from now on and enjoying stuff by myself until it’s time to leave.
She is not going to suddenly change and be nice & enjoy trips out, even if she says she will join you - on past evidence she probably will just leave you hanging again and again. So just leave her behind. It will be difficult as you love her and clearly hope she will change; but seriously you will do her a favour by not pandering to her as she needs to understand that she cannot treat others like shit. Or she will have a miserable life going forward with no friends.

It is starting to sound six of one & half a dozen of the other.

I know you are supposed to be holidaying together but if she's not engaging-what's stopping you from doing something instead of waiting around & stewing?

Sod her. Stop pandering to her. Do your own thing and enjoy yourself. No more holiday with her again unless she grows up - don't hold your breath.

Yes, I can’t imagine eating crisps for dinner and going to bed at 7pm to make my DD feel guilty. And I do wonder why she would be trying to distance herself in the first place and what this would all sound like from DD’s perspective.

Completely agree. At some point you have to stop pandering to her moods and take a bit of control back. There's something of a "battered wife" (unpleasant term as that is) feel in your responses. You're frightened to pull her up on her shit because "next time it'll be better". She placates you for a bit and you respond by sitting around for hours trying not to damage things further. For goodness sake, stop being so passive.

Even ignoring that it's just polite and friendly to let someone you're out and about with know what your general plans are so they can make the most of their own time, OP's already said that they have one car and OP's the driver, and they're staying rurally so buses, taxis etc. not really an option. So she needs an idea of what's going on so she can ensure the transport situation isn't fucked. And she's told us on several occasions that they have joint activities booked which she keeps wondering about. While it does seem that they're falling back into a bit of a parent/young child dynamic, the holiday itself leaves DD dependent on OP, and OP reasonably feeling responsible for ensuring that transport.

It’s not that I have no money but I am in expensive self catering so eating out every night would add up very fast. This is an expensive trip I was not planning to eat out every night I was going to cook.

She was moody about shopping so I did a dash and grab and have crisps, bread, pasta and some salad etc. I’ve eaten some of that today. I’m the only one cleaning this place so cooking more food for one wasn’t very appealing in terms of cleaning it all up.

Where are are is RURAL which I already stated, not a city, and quite dark at night, I assume it’s safe in terms of my own personal safety, but also there are no footpaths to walk down the roads, (a massive hill) and not always lights. It’s better in pairs to walk. Also I’ve spent all day on my own sitting around and no one to talk to I’ve read books, going out to a restaurant isn’t going to make much difference I’m still on my own. If I had gone on a singles holiday at least I would have other singles to chat to. There are some bars a 20 min walk away but I don’t really fancy getting legless on my own in some random bar, I can put my PJ’s on and just relax here and I’ve lost my appetite tbh.

I’ve spent today outside doing things as did she, but I also came back to the apartment a couple of times as I was running out of free activities.

Her communication is just so dreadful. She is more introverted than me, which I understand but she just doesn’t ever factor in how her introversion might come across to others. Constantly saying ‘maybe later’ she never thinks this might mean someone is waiting for you. I’ve explained this to her, she’s been crying all evening because I have gone to bed and said DD enough is enough, just COMMUNICATE to me what you are intending to do, if you have no intentions of spending time with me, just say this, if you are coming down, just say when (an hour, 2 hours?) rather than just being vague.

I wouldn't book any future holidays with her @Holidaymiserymum. She's got some growing up to do.

Is your DD paying her way?

So sorry you are having such a shit holiday. Your daughter sounds about 13 not 22. Horrible behaviour - just go and do the paid for trips alone. She can miss them - call it a time out, as she is acting like a spoilt child.

I think it’s time to go home. So it’ll cost money to cut your losses, but this trip sounds so miserable that carrying on will make you very seriously unhappy.

Is she like this at home?

TBH this doesn't really sound salvageable. What a brat you have on your hands, I know 22 is still young but she is not a teenager.

No more joint trips until she grows up a bit. I suspect her friends have also grown tired of her moodiness.

This is not normal behaviour at all in the slightest. Cut your losses and go home, it won't improve as it looks like you've tried and tried to talk to her and it's just getting worse. Has this just came completely out of the blue, very weird!

This sounds excruciating. She's your dd though surely you knew she was a nightmare for whatever reason?
I'd pack your bags take her to the airport pay whatever for flights, come home and never go away with her again.

Oh you poor thing. I know you said you aren’t really one for tv but I think you need to cheer yourself up. Grab a bottle of wine (or whatever your tipple) watch something funny or comforting and relax. Just ignore your daughter. You are giving her all the power.

Look there is two of you in it at this point. I suspect her behaviour is driving you to this but it will also feed her feeling of grievance.

You would have had to eat whether she came downstairs or not - so do what you'd have done anyway. Yeah it is a pain to go on holidays with someone who doesn't want to do things with you but just accept it, never go on hols with her again and do your own thing. Expect nothing from her except simple politeness and good manners when she speaks to you.

Ok so you have to decide tomorrow whether to go home or not. If not, go to the supermarket and get some nice food on your way back. Or drive out early evening to somewhere and spend the evening there, have a meal and a walk, and don’t drink. It surely must be possible to do what you were going to do, but just on your own?

She’s not going to communicate better, if at all, and she probably doesn’t know what she wants to do. So don’t wait for that to happen.

It sounds like the journey back is going to be rubbish whether you do it earlier or at the weekend, so I would plan to actually have a nice time as everything has been paid for. I would tell her I’m leaving at XX time for whatever activity you’ve planned, she can come if she wants, if she does then I wouldn’t bother trying to make convo, if she doesn’t then fine. Then do your own thing the rest of the time. I think it’s fine to take the car because she can’t drive it and she doesn’t want to do anything anyway. I wouldn’t be waiting around or trying to spend time with her when she’s being so bratty and unpleasant

I think I’d say to her let’s cut our losses and both go home. Neither of you is having a good time, and if you were being ignored, gaslit, and sulked at at home at least you’d be in your home environment. Has she offered any explanation for her behaviour? Is she even a little bit embarrassed?

Is this completely new??

I mean I have a challenging child but I know that so I'd factor that in wherever we go

Just the way you're talking, it doesn't sound like all that can have come out of the blue?

You're on a holiday that neither of you are enjoying, and it's costing you more money by the day. At this point, I'd say you've had enough and pack up to come home. By staying and letting her behave like this, you're being very passive and accepting it. My kids were teenagers when they started to realise that their actions have consequences and that sometimes they weren't going to like them.

Blimey, I hope you didn’t pay for her?!

If you planed to cook and are bored sitting around the house, I’d drive out and find a supermarket and buy some nice bits to eat. Much cheaper than going to a restaurant.

She is behaving like a total brat-presumably you know her well, is this totally out of character? I have a 22 year old (and a 24/20) and none are anything like this at home or away.

Sorry love but your daughter sounds like a complete arsehole.

shes 22. Get in the car and leave her sorry ass (with the wherewithal to get home). If you go home tomorrow you’ll have a few days off to relax.