Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

This is the sense I get too. I’m really sympathetic to OP with the DD being such a moody mare. But I really can’t understand why the OP didn’t crack on with making a slap up supper in the presumably comfortable accommodation. And then a nice glass of wine and a book/film. No need to retire to bed in the early evening with only crisps for dinner. It’s all a bit confusing,

If I were you I would stop worrying about what she is expecting of you, and start communicating clearly and in plain English what you are going to do and what she will need to do if she wants to join you.

"I am going to [attraction] tomorrow as we have tickets. If you would like to come with me, meet me in the kitchen at 9am. If you aren't there at 9am I will assume you will prefer to spend the day doing your own thing."

"I don't know where you have gone and where or if you plan to meet back up with me today. I will be at the car at 11am if you would like a lift back to the villa."

"I'm not willing to stand and listen to you having a go at me. I am going out for breakfast at the bar down the street. It would be lovely to have breakfast with you if you will be friendly, or if you can't do that I will be back here at 10am to make a plan for the day."

"I'm upset at the dynamic between us this holiday. You have been very rude to me for most of the holiday and I have tried everything I can to resolve things between us and I have not succeeded. I am considering going home early if you do not improve your communication style towards me. We can talk about how we move forwards together with respect for one another, or I will leave at a time of my choosing and you can either come with me or make your own arrangements. I would welcome a calm and respectful conversation between us this evening, and if that doesn't happen I will be spending tomorrow packing my bags and will let you know what time I will be leaving."

This is beyond unfair mean and cruel of your daughter to treat you so horribly she sounds like a petulant little 8 yr old.

For your own sanity go travel alone without her or go home whatever don't stay and be treated this way .. no wo cer her trip with a friend went wrong.

You don't deserve this leave her to it but make it known to her her attitude is a disgrace x

I think the only way to nip this manipulative behaviour in the bud is not to engage with her.

Think of something you would enjoy doing tomorrow, tell her you are leaving at 9am, so she can't sulk about you leaving without her, then go.

Absolutely do not chase or panda to this terrible behaviour, it will simply encourage it.

Only engage when she communicates positively.

Fucking hell please don't do this.

She doesn't have to martyr herself because her daughter's behaving like a spoilt toddler. She needs to lower expectations of the holiday or just pack up, go home and learn from the experience. If the daughter is not ready on time to go home then she is left to her own devices. Time for some tough love. How dare the little madam treat her mother so badly .

She's a brat but you're sounding like a martyr by refusing to eat, go out for the evening, going to bed at 7.... it's pushing her further away.

Just get up tomorrow and go out without saying anything. Live your life. She may then get curious and ask what your plans are and want to get involved. But for her to step forward you need to take a MASSIVE step back.

It sounds miserable OP but she must have some good qualities? You don't seem to have a good word to say about her.

Did your daughter contribute to this holiday financially in any way OP?

My 12 year old is exceptionally difficult atm - but even he is not this bad.

Does she live with you at home OP? What is the relationship between you like usually?

Your daughter needs to grow up.

You need to grow up.

Get dressed, get in the car, do something. If she’s not interested so be it. Find a museum, church, visitor centre - literally anything and be a tourist.

There’s a reason your daughter doesn’t have any friends to holiday with, and I doubt it’s to do with money.

This. Just ignore the brat and do your own thing and try to have a relaxing time rather than constantly waiting/arguing with her.

F

This sounds awful. Your daughter is a moody cow and an ungrateful one at that, too. I’d give her the option to return home with you or just leave her to stay and find her own way back. She is 22.

No way would I let a child of mine treat me that badly in any situation - especially over the span of a couple of days. Your DD sounds like she was the one who created the problem on her last holiday. I’d teach her a lesson she won’t forget and let her reap the consequences of her actions.

You must stop trying to be the peacemaker It is giving her all the power.

Take your power back.
Refuse to be treated so disrespectfully.
Don’t speak to her. Do your own thing and let her come to you. If she doesn’t still do your own thing. She’s 22 but acting like she’s 14. So Treat her like it.
I feel for you. How disappointing.

OP has read a whole thread of people calling her DD names, insulting her and being mean about her and not once has OP said to please be kinder.

I'd say that's an indication.

My DD, she's had her moments but she's mine. My genes my parenting. I couldn't read brat, childish, madam, selfish over and over without pause. And without my love overtaking my annoyance. OP can.

I know… I have previously mentioned i understand the challenges first described by op and other posters but i would also not suffer because of it.
especially with an older child/ adult. There must be a middle ground between happy family three course restaurant dining and a sad lonely bag o’ crisps?

I’ve also had a few solo holidays and while I might sometimes be limited by safe travel as a lone woman I would not be restricting myself to this level.

surely with adult dd opting out it affords op access to a wider choice of activities, food choices, dining in or out options etc.

even the hotel itself should have something, or a nearby bar, restaurant, cafe, taverna, even a sandwich with a walk to the nearest sunset vantage point?

travelling alone I like nothing better than a book or a bedtime movie online , phone or telly if there is no nearby entertainment.
you can still salvage this op, don’t get caught in a martyr trap.

Is she addicted to her phone? is that what she is doing up in her room while leaving you hanging about?

She does sound like she has no adult type social skills - ie. you make a plan for an evening with the other person you are with.

Does she need this explained to her in very very simple terms.

It sounds unbelivably infuriating op - she is basically being moody withdrawn and completely unclear every single day and making everything a drama.

no wonder she fell out with her friend.

Is she ND?

Yes! I can’t believe someone has used the word bitch and nobody not even the mum has picked up on it. There’s far more going on here, either the mum hasn’t noticed in the past or things are coming to the fore now, this young woman is struggling with something for whatever reason and the holiday expectations seems to be finishing her off.
i think no more ‘having it out with her’ and definitely no crazy threats of chest pains and hospital, if this girl is in meltdown then anything else is just going to make it worse.

I don’t know why you apologised to her, she sounds like an absolute r-sole

Text her. I am doing x at x time. Ten minutes before you go out text her - I am going to x in ten minutes. If she isn’t ready go on your own. Assume she will not be there, if she is ready fine, if she does not come fine.
Communicate via her phone.
As many have said she is 22 not 12 and I wouldn’t accept this behaviour off a 12 year old. Introversion, autism or forms of ND are not an excuse for this type of behaviour. She knows she can play you so she is. Only you can stop her.

Wow, you have my sympathies, OP. Assuming she’s not depressed and is just being a rude brat, I think this advice from @DierdreDaphne back on page one is great.

You’ve tried everything and it looks like her low EQ is ruining both your holidays, so focus on your plans and she can opt in or opt out. Keep reminding yourself it’s your last holiday with her.

She sounds like a pain and very self absorbed, but it also sounds like there’s something a bit off about how much power you are giving her to determine how you spend your days on this holiday. As a pp said, that means you’re making her responsible for your happiness while you’re moping about waiting for her to come spend time with you, like a sad puppy who is being ignored, and that’s annoying for her.

I think a more appropriate response to her behaviour would be for you to have no more patience for letting her whims determine how you spend your time. Don’t ask yourself does she want me to try to cajole her into coming out? Just work out what you yourself want, and do that.

Then maybe when you get back, see if she would do relationship counselling with you to try to untangle the dynamic between you. She sounds very unhappy.

I know, i’m not excusing her behaviour, just saying some do behave like morons, i have one that behaves very similarly.