Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I think you need to leave and give her some money so that she isn't stranded and can get a bus / taxi. Tell her you are doing this as you cannot cope and if she panics then she can come and make up. I wonder what the behaviour is really about. Nevertheless you need to back away and give her space, tell her you're there for her when she needs it but that clearly is not now.

So we had it out with each other and both said ok look sorry and tomorrow is a new day. I said can you let me know your plans? She said later. I said are you coming downstairs? She said ‘later’.

So I’ve sat for additional hours just sitting there… waiting. She doesn’t come down. It’s still daylight. I go to bed. What else to do. My arse is numb from sitting on the sofa. Going out costs money I don’t have. I could go to a bar, alone and drink but cost money. I say DD is going to bed repeatedly during daylight hours is really not what I had in mind for a holiday it’s fucking depressing. She’s crying says she ‘can’t come down as I’m angry’ I say I wasn’t but it’s just so unfair to leave me waiting for hours until she decides it’s the time to come down. I’ve had a glass of wine I can’t drive, don’t know this country. I had crisps for dinner and she’s still eaten nothing. Both upset and nothing is getting resolved. I am a middle aged woman in my PJ’s in bed at 7pm in a lovely country had crisps for dinner. I could be at fucking work I would be enjoying it more

This is such a shame coming from someone who couldn't afford a holiday this year you must be soooo pissed of that you've wasted the money on this one that you aren't enjoying.

I would have one more go. Say to her look this is silly we are stuck with each other for the rest of the holiday so let's make the best of it and have some fun.

Learn your lesson though. Don't go on holiday with her again. Funny how her friends won't go with her either. Wonder why the last holiday didn't work out either.

She should take sone accountability.

X

Op you have to just ignore her now. State basic information so she can join you if she wants but at least try and enjoy where you are if you aren’t going to just go home tomorrow. It appears any demand you make it to much so I’d just drop the rope completely. Let her be miserable in her room. Pretend she isn’t there.

Oh god what a nightmare for you OP.
Never go on holiday together again!

Sorry I don’t get this. Why were you sitting for 3 hours waiting and why did you only have crisps for dinner? Why didn’t you just go out on your own? Not necessarily for a huge meal and loads of booze but just a snack/ sandwich in a cafe with a book?

If you’re short of money surely you wouldn’t have been going out with her anyway, so how is this her fault?

Just STOP mithering her about stuff, sit with me, come down, where are you- this is pissing her off and I am starting to understand what she means by not getting a hint. Either make your own plans and do them alone or go home. She may join you if you stay but probably she won’t. If you can’t afford to eat or go for a drink then, agree, cut your losses and go home.

Of course she should be respectful to you but at the end of the day you choose whether to stay and enjoy yourself or go home- it’s not all on her.

@Heronwatcher Same, her stroppy behaviour wouldn't stop me from having a nice dinner either, good food is part of a holiday for me :-).

OP, go home. With or without her - just go home. Her behaviour is utterly appalling. She MAY be depressed. It sounds like it. But this is not an excuse to mistreat and disrespect your Mum.

She sounds very immature for 22; this sounds like 15 year old behaviour. Go and enjoy yourself and avoid holidays with her again. Keep your money for you.

I’m starting to lose sympathy for you OP.
just get on with it. Tell her she’s welcome to join you but just crack on

Pussyfooting around people, pleading, apologising yourself - it just doesn’t work. The more you act as supplicant, the more your dd controls the narrative.

My dsis set the tone of every trip. If she was ok, everyone was inwardly phewing. If she was in a mood, then that was it. What I wish hadn’t happened was dm creeping after her, cajouling, taking rudeness and abuse… it was all quite useless.

Also unless I was in somewhere incredibly dangerous no way would I have gone to bed at 7pm. Surely you could just go out for a walk, find a bench to sit on, buy an ice cream or some street food, people watch, read a book, look at the view. It does sound slightly like you’re now trying to have as shit a time as possible to make her feel guilty. Just show her how strong and fabulous you are by having a great time, going out, meeting other people, chatting to people in the hotel bar etc. Totally ignore her above the basics “I’m going to X today, should be back at 7, happy to go for dinner if you fancy it, otherwise no probs if you sort yourself out.”

You've agreed to start fresh tomorrow - the rest of today should have been no-expectation.

She didn't really wanted you to wait for her, she wanted to process it on her own.

"Going to supermarket for X, should I take the same for you" message is the most.

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Don't expect things to work 100% according to your expectations between you, focus on the key points. Do you have a book? Can you get one? Majority of Europe would have something in english in any cheap book chain.

I don’t understand the “no money” thing though. Surely just you going out is half the price it would be with dd? (Assuming the All-Inclusive Hols with Mum and Dad scheme is operating!)

@Holidaymiserymum nothing will change unless you stop letting her call the shots.
Why would you wait for hours? An hour tops then 'I'm going out now, bye'. And repeat every time.
Sitting in your PJs eating crisps for dinner isn't the way forward.

Isn’t she starving?

Can you walk to a shop and buy something to eat for yourself or get a takeaway from somewhere? I would have gone and asked her face to face in her room. Hello it’s 7pm we need to leave its getting late.

Why are you waiting for her instead of going & doing whatever you had planned?

OK but you’re an adult. Presumably you have some money to go out for dinner and a drink, walk around looking at stuff, go to a pretty church? You are also full grown so act like it.

Sounds terrible, so sorry OP. From what you’ve described it sounds like you are annoying her, I don’t think u have done anything wrong but she’s irritated. Sounds like she can’t go on holiday as a duo, perhaps another mother & daughter being there would have made the dynamics better. To be honest there are very very few people I could go away with as a duo. Having said that, she needs to stop being so mean to you.

In all honesty, I wonder what her side of all this would be.

Has she always been so awful?

You need to just stop pandering to her. State factual things. "Im doing X leaving at Y time. Youre welcome to come". She doesnt come then leave her to it.

It does sound as if you're treating her like a child and micromanaging. Is there any reason why you're seemingly expecting her to inform you of everything she does whilst on this holiday (such as if she walks somewhere)? I also can't imagine telling my adult daughter to put food in the trolley if she wants it. I would assume that would be obvious to her. One thing that I've learnt from having adult children (and now grandchildren) is that if we treat them like children, then they will almost revert back to acting like a small child whilst in our presence. This is no excuse for her rude behaviour, but it does explain where it's arising from. She's feeling inadequate and embarrassed (because she thinks that strangers are noticing that you're treating her like a child). As a result, she's lashing out at you.

I find that many modern parents coddle their adult children and enjoy the fact that their child is dependent on them to some extent. It's quite bizarre to me. Why are you not going off and doing your own thing and leaving her to do her own thing? Neither of you need to be together at all times. It's actually quite the opposite. You need a bit of a healthy break from each other.

Did you know she was a nightmare before agreeing to go on holiday with her? I think you have to accept this holiday is a lost cause and simply never do it again. As for the rest of the trip - she’s not a child so don’t pander to her. Tell her your plans and she either joins you or she doesn’t. Likewise she can tell you her plans and you can join her. Or not!

Such a weird dynamic. I had sympathy initially.

As for waiting 3 hours until your 'arse is numb', and only having had crisps for dinner.. can't afford to eat out as it costs money etc. Would dinner be free if your DD was with you?

At this point, you sound as bad as each other. I've a DD21 and if she pulled this shit on me (she wouldn't) I would take myself off and order most expensive thing on menu - especially given I wouldn't have the expense of her meal.

As they say OP, Life is what you make it. Both of you sound miserable and hard work.

Maybe I'm projecting now, because I had it similar with my mother.

I don't think she really is that awful.
It sounds to me like a huge expectations issue. Mother expecting 100% time together, daughter expecting things will somehow flow without being over done.

And every attempt to make it up fails, because both agree they want it better, but no-one works on the expectations issue.

If I'm right, the silver lining is that it can be improved, if both sides want to. Not during this trip, but with some work, over the time.

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Tip for now - try finding a minimal path forward, not optimal.
What one thing that you can do on your own would improve your evening ?
Check the map, is there a river/park/statue/building you can check in the walking distance?
What time do you need to get out tomorrow to get to whatever you planned to do? With or without her, go anyway.