Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I’m not excusing bad behaviour at all, when you’ve climbed down off your high horse and stopped throwing the ‘this kind of attitude bullshit around’ you’ll notice i was merely stating that some do behave that way, i have one much the same.

It is just very hard to believe such dreadful behaviour has come out of norwhere and is not part of a pattern.

If any of my children behaved like that I would be genuinely concerned that they were having a nervous breakdown of some sort.

What convinced you that she wanted to be any part of this holiday?

Either way, never again.
It sounds horrendous.

IMO, you have two choices:-

a) Go home (do you want to?)
b) Carry on with the holiday but totally do your own thing. Make your own plans, set the timetable and don’t wait for her. If she says she’s coming “later”, tell her if she’s not there by X o’clock you’ll be leaving.

Nothing you say or do will be right, so you need to stop trying. She’s reacting to your attempts to engage. So, withdraw and give her nothing to react against. Don’t try to persuade her, don’t wait for her beyond the time you’ve given her, etc. Remain brisk, pleasant and unbothered. She’s acting like a sulky baby. You trying to negotiate or compromise will just prolong her behaviour. She can’t continue her little games if you don’t play them.

My youngest is 23 and the eldest 10 years older, so maybe it’s a generational thing and we just missed out on it (happily) but IME that sort of behaviour only lasted for a couple of years in their teens. It was long over by 22.

Wow I’d leave and go without her. She sounds like a complete arsehole!

Ooh at 22 I probably would have been smacked round the face for telling my mum she was embarrassing for speaking too loud. Not saying you should do this but the disrespect she is showing you is off the scale. Stop cooking for her, paying for anything for her, stop inviting her to activities and just survive the rest of the holiday. Get home and give her the bollocking of a lifetime and a deadline to move out. She’s behaving like a brat because you are pandering to her.

OP you’ve had so much good advice here but you’ve not really responded to any of it - you’re just posting the continuation of all the arguments and drama with no resolution?
People above have given you some great advice.
Lots of people have asked if she is ND, it’s a valid question given everything you’ve said so far? If she is it’s certainly not an excuse but it might be an explanation for why she’s struggling so much.
I felt sympathy for you initially but your later updates make me think you’re not changing your approach and trying to improve things.

She sounds depressed. Can't get into anything to enjoy it, everything feels wrong, too unhappy to want company, too unhappy to know why.
There's not a lot you can do. Maybe let her know your plans and that she's welcome to join and you'll be leaving at a set time and then she can decide if she feels up to joining.
Then I'd suggest GP when you're back to look at counselling for her. (and possibly you by then!)

You said you agreed with DD that you would have a fresh start tomorrow.

Have some pasta so you’re not starving, ffs, and go to bed.

In the morning, wake up fresh, make coffee. Act breezy like it really is a fresh start. Give her chance to back down without drama. “DD, coffee or tea? I’m thinking we will set off for x activity at 10am, could you be ready to meet me at hire car? I’ll let you chill for a bit and get ready while I go and have my coffee.”

If she goes along with it, try and have a nice day and rest of your holiday. When you get back home and after a good sleep, calmly but firmly explain how difficult and upsetting things were on holiday, that you’re there for her if she is struggling with something but you’re not her punching bag. Draw a line under it, unless she continues to behave poorly.

Like PP have suggested if she is glued to her phone and going off to bed at 7pm, perhaps there is something going on you’re unaware of, a new boyfriend, a falling-out with a boyfriend etc. Perhaps she’s just seen her arse. But the cycle of tellings off, sulking and you martyring yourself is clearly not working whatever the cause. Sorry. It does sound a bit shit.

I'd say, there's a bus to X town, from there you can get a flight home, I am NOT playing this game. I now know why your last holiday went tits up, & why none of your friends wanted to go on holiday, You are being vile, rude, & all together insufferable.
I will certainly not be paying for another holiday with you again. & stop snivelling. You are totally responsable for ruining this holiday, I would have been happier at work.

You literally said before you’d spend €100 on food that was going to go to waste. Why can’t you eat that food for your dinner instead of crisps?
Drive out to a bar, why do you have to get drunk? Just have one drink and enjoy the atmosphere.
Go eat out or if you can’t afford to eat out eat in with a bottle of wine.
Honestly you’re not even trying to make the best of it. You’re as bad as she is. She’s sulking in her bedroom and you’re sulking downstairs!!!
Either go home and leave her there or carry on enjoying your holiday and leave her at the apartment sulking. Honestly stop trying to hash it out. It’s not helping. Stop waiting in for her to communicate with you. She isn’t going to

She said she lost her appetite, and didn’t want to go to the effort to cook and wash up, and I don’t blame her. I’d be sitting there with crisps and wine myself.

Why are you catering to her like this? No wonder she is such a spoilt brat if she always gets her way. Say what time you are leaving for something and leave, stop waiting around for her and following up with her all the time.

And save lots of money for the therapists bills. You'll need it!

This sounds like an odd mix, and it must feel strange.

It sounds as if you are pulling on the 'Mum role' and absorbing a lot of emotional punching, semi cheerfully, expecting that your DD will snap out of it and realise the holiday is an experience to enjoy or at least to call a truce to complete. Plus, although unconfirmed, it sounds as if you have paid for most, if not all, of it, and mapped out what you will do, booking experiences on a schedule, planning to shop and cook - possibly to reduce the financial demands.

Your DD, on the other hand, seems both to need the 'Mum role' (as the reactions are anything but adult) and to be rebelling against it, not wanting the reminder that the car needs you for it to be a useful resource, but making herself even more unhappy because she's not a very independent part of the programme.

Thinking around some of PPs' posts, at 22 I had been living, working, and paying tax abroad for a year. I was not a driver and had no car. For all that year, I think I had lifts from people twice. The rest was capital city public transport, taxis if necessary, funded personally. I had some awkward times with an older flatmate going through a lot of crap, and I still plastered on the thick skin if we travelled together and things seemed to lead to her having more issues (so travelling together was not something very successful).

I doubt you will be doing this again, but if she can be enigmatic and not turn up for your activities or avoid any discussion, then she can figure out her own way to return, and be more comfortable with nobody's voice or prior organisation to have to deal with. Don't go rural, don't stay places that do not allow each person on the trip their autonomy to go and chill out separately, do affordable things nearby, and be safe (car or not). Buy your own shopping and cook for yourself with the option of plenty of sandwich making components and some fruit if she feels like engaging. Be honest and say that she can spend her time how she wants, but that so will you. Maybe her stomach's been uncomfortable or something. But she seems to want a Mum in tow only for very specific things, and think that that's going to work for you.

agree with @Emilesgran

She sounds like a 13 year old. Not an adult in her early 20’s

@Holidaymiserymum does she normally behave this way?!

Go on the activities op! And cook yourself some food- you are an adult, this is very upsetting but you need to eat. Do not wait for her or beg her. Just communicate factually ‘I’m leaving in 1h and 15 for the booked activity. If you’re here you can come but I will not be waiting.

Is there a love interest back home that she would rather be with?

Agree. I can genuinely say my two absolutely never treated me like this at any age, even in their terrible teens they didn't go out of their way to be rude and awful to me. It's not normal behaviour at any age let alone in a woman of 22.

Not read all replies so not sure of current state but I feel so sorry for you op, I really do

I'd leave and disown her, don't tip toe around her - it's what she wants. Call me old fashioned but a good dose of realisation is what she needs and that can start today by you packing your suitcase and sticking your middle finger up as you walk out the door

Now come on

That was my thought as well.

Exactly!
Don't go home and stop pussy footing around her.

Tell her if she's going to continue to be rude she can pay for a different room herself to do it in.

My kids sometimes behave a bit like this but they are still children.

Is she ND? Is that why she can't regulate her emotions properly?

Hope you can salvage the rest of the trip.

This ^^
Where have you been for this child's life. I find it impossible to believe that for 22 years she has been fine and suddenly she became a nightmare.

When I was 22, my mum came to visit me in a European city I was living in for a year. She had an amazing time and still talks about it 30 years later. She stayed in a cheap hotel but I sorted outings and restaurants - I asked my friends for ideas.
Please don't think most 22 year olds are like American film teenagers, they just aren't.

Surprised by the comments that this is normal 22 year-old behaviour. At the risk of sounding ancient I would never have behaved towards my mum or anyone for that matter at 22. It sounds more like the behaviour of a teenager - a young, spoilt one at that.