How long should I wait for intimacy to improve in this relationship?

[dreamora]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation with a man in his 50’s I’ve been seeing for about four months.

We have a fantastic connection, get along incredibly well, and have both expressed that we are in love with each other. He makes future plans with me, gives me lots of nice compliments, and is genuinely affectionate.

However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex. Early on, he took Viagra once, it was successful, and we quickly developed a very active, regular sex life. My observation during that time was that he occasionally struggled to finish, mentioning that he tended to overthink things and found it hard to relax. He also complains a lot about his hips or knees hurting when we have sex and says he wants to get fitter. He does seem to stress about his weight, I think he’s gorgeous but I don’t know if he feels insecure.

Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months.

Because this was bothering him, he decided to stop taking that medication two to three weeks ago. Since then, we've had a long conversation (that he instigated) where I admitted I was worried we were becoming more like friends than lovers. He strongly reassured me that he finds me physically attractive, and wants sex with me, but admitted he feels under immense pressure to perform physically, even though mentally he wants to be with me.

On top of that, he is often completely exhausted from work and falls asleep within minutes of getting into bed. He asked me to just be patient and let the meds get out of his system. I had been instigating sex with him but I’ve stopped now because I don’t want to be pestering him and I want to trust him.

The pressure cycle really peaked a few days ago. He texted me all day saying he was in the mood for sex, I didn’t over respond too much but showed interest, but after we went to the gym, he was too tired and achy and went straight to sleep. We did have sex the next morning, but I had a suspicion that he only did it because he felt he owed it to me.

I think this was true because yesterday, he randomly called me out on it, saying he thought I was pissed off that nothing happened the night before.

To be honest, deep down I was a little let down because it had been built up all day, but I told him I understood he was tired. I genuinely don't want to pressure him, but the more rejected I feel, the more it affects my self-confidence.

Without sounding big-headed, I know I am attractive and I get a lot of (unwanted) attention from men, yet I keep taking his ED personally. I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

We woke up early this morning and I knew sex wasn’t on the menu, as he wasn’t aroused when I hugged him, kept saying he was very achy from the gym and chatting away about the weekend so instead of waiting, I got up and got dressed. He then told me how attractive I looked dressed for work.

Right now, I feel like our physical relationship is entirely on his terms, and I have to just wait around for him to be in the mood. I've become unsure of how to act, I hesitate to hug him, be flirty, or initiate anything because I'm worried about making him feel pressured and it’s making my insecurities run wild.

We can talk openly about it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up, and I am trying to mentally detach because everything else about us is so good, but I have a nagging bad feeling about our future. I want to trust his honesty, but I have a few trains of thought and unsure if it’s just a combination of them all:

1. The ED is a combination of age, fatigue, and health, and it might not just get better.
2. He wants to see me as a sexual partner, but he doesn’t deep down, and isn’t ready to admit this because he loves me otherwise
3. he took me off the market to boost his ego about having an attractive girlfriend and now doesn’t need to try because he’s got me but he’s threatened by my attractiveness, so is bringing my confidence down
4. He finds my ‘desperation’ and desire to have sex with him unattractive and pressurising

Am I facing a choice between learning to live with this or walking away? How do I stop taking this personally, and how can we rebuild intimacy without all this pressure? How long should I wait? I really don’t think it should be this complicated.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Also I know you have decided to end things (I hope) as this is actually a way bigger issue than a lack of intimacy but due to ill health my partner often has ED and I can honestly say I’ve never had a more fulfilling sexual relationship than with him, I have had to adjust my expectations of what sex is and can be constrained by and it was been a game changer, a man can very much have desire and provide deep satisfaction without that always being PIV.

I’ve been an idiot of course. When I got to his, he did seduce me quite quickly and I caved and slept with him and the sex was very good.

Then he asked me to go out with him and his friends to a bar and we got very drunk. His friends and his son were out and told me they have never seen him be this happy before, they have never seen him be publicly affectionate with anyone, and that he’s less grumpy with everyone since he met me. His son is a lovely lad and said I’m good for his dad. I am aware of how this an alarm bell in the cold light of day.

I had a terrible hangover this morning, he made me food and looked after me. When I was quiet as I was tired, he got anxious I was upset with him and hiding something and asked me for reassurance. I just didn’t have the energy to bring anything up with him.

I know I am delaying the inevitable, but I am going on holiday tomorrow and selfishly I didn’t want to start off my trip with drama. I don’t know how he will react to me dumping him, I assume he would just say fine fair enough out of self preservation and then drown his sorrows down the pub feeling shit. I’m not sure he will try to fight for a relationship with me.

He was very affectionate last night and today, and we had a lot of fun. We didn’t have sex today. I do think he avoids kissing me sometimes so I don’t get the wrong idea.

When he was looking for paracetamol for me in his bedside table, he got out a box of Viagra and said it was empty. To my knowledge we have only ever used one, so I don’t know how long he’s had them or been using them or if he’s been taking them with me and not telling me but I don’t think he has?

One of the things he brought up before was that he was finding our sex was having sex for the sake of it and it was a bit routine, rather than just being relaxed spontaneous and passionate. I do agree this was an issue because both of us were mostly worrying if the other person was having a good time and not relaxed.

Looking at this in other ways as to not take this situation personally as a reflection of my self worth, and based on responses, I think he’s more insecure about the ED than he lets on and it’s not a new issue and it makes him feel less manly. He is a very manly type of bloke. I could learn to live with ED in a partner, if like others said, there was other options on the menu and he is open to talking about it honestly, but I am not sure there is. He’s used toys on me before but I am not sure how into it he is, and he’s doing it for my sake rather than actually enjoying it.

He uses negative behaviour on me to feel better about himself, like a bully does, although I do think he feels bad when he hurts my feelings, because although he doesn’t always apologise, I can see he regrets it when I give him a long hard stare or say I didn’t like that, and he will try to make it up to me another way.

It was very very obvious this was going to happen.

isn’t it funny though that when you’re apparently going round to get your stuff before leaving for a week/forever, he manages to be nice for the night.

it’s always very telling when you hear how good you are for the man. I personally have never said that to any woman, because she isn’t a service animal. She is not there to help a man be less grumpy with other people, or learn to do normal relationship things in his 50s. I would instead comment on how much he loves her, or all the great things I’ve heard about her.

enjoy your holiday and your break from him. Don’t be surprised if he causes an argument whilst you’re away or when you get back.

Yes indeed.

I’m not being defensive but this is why he is confusing. He never starts arguments with me about anything. He will just drop in a comment unexpectedly that can come off as helpful advice or an observation that can be a mean stinger. I’ve seen him do this to other people as well.

I’ve been on holiday without him before and it was fine and he always says things like I deserve to have a nice time and he’s excited for me to have fun. When I got back from my other holiday, he was so excited to see me it took me aback a bit as I wasn’t expecting it tbh, and he was very all over me and saying he had missed me.

He is a pretty lazy man. I’m an easy girlfriend to have if I’m not demanding anything from him… I do think he’s setting out for me to have low expectations!

I’m not intentionally providing a service to anyone, I didn’t know he was grumpy or not affectionate before he met me

Did you at least take your stuff home with you when you left his OP? I'm hoping this holiday and break from him gets you to see the light and you are able to free yourself from him. It really shouldn't be this difficult or anxiety inducing after just 4 months.

Enjoy your holiday.

All that sadness and frustration only 4 months in?? It's not worth it OP. Not unless you want to say goodbye to your sex life.

Just leave, you can probably find a nice man who isn’t negging you and who you can have a fully satisfying relationship with. You don’t actually need to do any of this.

Sorry OP but he is a prize asshole.

Sex isn’t “spontaneous and relaxed”?? And that’s YOUR fault, not Mr OMG Don’t Pressure Me???

He’s gaslighting you into thinking he’s a randy man who sends sexy texts to his gorgeous girlfriend who everyone thinks is great for him. In reality he’s (probably) a porn addict who can’t have sex and is negging you so you don’t realise what a bad deal you’ve got.

You owe him nothing. Go on your holiday and then dump him. He will whine and cry for a few days and then get over it.

Good grief. What a load of drama. You’re 4 months in! Get your stuff, go on holiday and forget about him. He sounds vile. He just loves putting you down doesn’t he? And you keep taking it and going back for more. Find your anger and tell him to jog on.

I’m not being defensive but this is why he is confusing. He never starts arguments with me about anything. He will just drop in a comment unexpectedly that can come off as helpful advice or an observation that can be a mean stinger. I’ve seen him do this to other people as well.

it’s not confusing, he doesn’t need to have big loud dramatic arguments, or call you names, or whatever else to qualify as a dick.
however I do understand because mil is like this and I spend so much time questioning if im being unfair to her by assuming she’s a total b and I wonder if that’s where you are.
however I can’t really leave mil, but I do avoid her as much as possible because even if she doesn’t mean it, or even if it’s all my own overly sensitive interpretation, quite often I feel unhappy in her company. So I choose not to be in her company. The difference here is this isn’t your mil in a long marriage, this is a 4m relationship that’s already been shit for months

Even when you try desperately to convince us (and yourself!) that he's a good guy, he sounds to me, like a sad old needy gaslighter 🙄🤮

I do have all my stuff yes and I am going on holiday.

He text me to say I am his ‘happy place’

it’s not that I am trying to convince anyone he’s a good guy, but that he can also be absolutely amazing sometimes and it throws you off

It's not "confusing", it's the nice-nasty cycle. If abusers were horrible all the time it would be easy to see that they were abusers and to walk away.

You sound far too thoughtful and willing to see his side of the story. He is taking advantage of your kindness and slowly breaking you down mentally. It sounds like he successfully love bombed you at the start and now his true colours are showing. You are a person not a "happy place" 🤢

Hope you have a nice holiday.

This!

He’s definitely got you where he wants you. Don’t get any further under his control than you already are. He can ‘be nice’ but he can also be nasty. This is not a future I would want. Think carefully, because the being nice will become even shorter periods and the nastiness will become the norm.
Have a great holiday and then get the hell out of the relationship

No. I disagree.

Him being amazing sometimes shouldn't 'throw you off'. You're an adult who should be able to make decisions based on how things really are, overall. Not how things are sometimes

This man is toxic. Get rid

This 👆🏻👆🏻

Also the happy place comment is toxic as all hell. You are NOT responsible for anybody else’s happiness except your own (and your kids if they are still children). That’s it.

I get it op, you’ve not reached the point of believing that this rollercoaster isn’t manageable long term. You’ll keep going in this relationship a while yet and maybe we all need to learn the hard way. Took me 18 years. I wish I’d listened to the ladies on here earlier but I had to give it my best shot, to my detriment unfortunately. Good luck to you.