How long should I wait for intimacy to improve in this relationship?

[dreamora]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation with a man in his 50’s I’ve been seeing for about four months.

We have a fantastic connection, get along incredibly well, and have both expressed that we are in love with each other. He makes future plans with me, gives me lots of nice compliments, and is genuinely affectionate.

However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex. Early on, he took Viagra once, it was successful, and we quickly developed a very active, regular sex life. My observation during that time was that he occasionally struggled to finish, mentioning that he tended to overthink things and found it hard to relax. He also complains a lot about his hips or knees hurting when we have sex and says he wants to get fitter. He does seem to stress about his weight, I think he’s gorgeous but I don’t know if he feels insecure.

Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months.

Because this was bothering him, he decided to stop taking that medication two to three weeks ago. Since then, we've had a long conversation (that he instigated) where I admitted I was worried we were becoming more like friends than lovers. He strongly reassured me that he finds me physically attractive, and wants sex with me, but admitted he feels under immense pressure to perform physically, even though mentally he wants to be with me.

On top of that, he is often completely exhausted from work and falls asleep within minutes of getting into bed. He asked me to just be patient and let the meds get out of his system. I had been instigating sex with him but I’ve stopped now because I don’t want to be pestering him and I want to trust him.

The pressure cycle really peaked a few days ago. He texted me all day saying he was in the mood for sex, I didn’t over respond too much but showed interest, but after we went to the gym, he was too tired and achy and went straight to sleep. We did have sex the next morning, but I had a suspicion that he only did it because he felt he owed it to me.

I think this was true because yesterday, he randomly called me out on it, saying he thought I was pissed off that nothing happened the night before.

To be honest, deep down I was a little let down because it had been built up all day, but I told him I understood he was tired. I genuinely don't want to pressure him, but the more rejected I feel, the more it affects my self-confidence.

Without sounding big-headed, I know I am attractive and I get a lot of (unwanted) attention from men, yet I keep taking his ED personally. I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

We woke up early this morning and I knew sex wasn’t on the menu, as he wasn’t aroused when I hugged him, kept saying he was very achy from the gym and chatting away about the weekend so instead of waiting, I got up and got dressed. He then told me how attractive I looked dressed for work.

Right now, I feel like our physical relationship is entirely on his terms, and I have to just wait around for him to be in the mood. I've become unsure of how to act, I hesitate to hug him, be flirty, or initiate anything because I'm worried about making him feel pressured and it’s making my insecurities run wild.

We can talk openly about it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up, and I am trying to mentally detach because everything else about us is so good, but I have a nagging bad feeling about our future. I want to trust his honesty, but I have a few trains of thought and unsure if it’s just a combination of them all:

1. The ED is a combination of age, fatigue, and health, and it might not just get better.
2. He wants to see me as a sexual partner, but he doesn’t deep down, and isn’t ready to admit this because he loves me otherwise
3. he took me off the market to boost his ego about having an attractive girlfriend and now doesn’t need to try because he’s got me but he’s threatened by my attractiveness, so is bringing my confidence down
4. He finds my ‘desperation’ and desire to have sex with him unattractive and pressurising

Am I facing a choice between learning to live with this or walking away? How do I stop taking this personally, and how can we rebuild intimacy without all this pressure? How long should I wait? I really don’t think it should be this complicated.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Exactly this!!

The more you write @dreamora , the more it becomes clear that the least of his/your problems is his ED. He’s manipulating you. He’s treating you badly. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he only cares about his. And it’s only been 4 months!! Please dump him and block him. He is not a good man.

I did actually have a younger man in my ex.

My current DP continues to find it very funny that my ex was in his eyes, is extremely unattractive as he looked at his social media and asked me many times what was I thinking. I didn’t really answer as I felt it was a bit mean.

I feel he tried to make me jealous, I said I just don’t like it, I’m not jealous, I think it’s disrespectful, not trying to start a row about it, it’s up to you what you do, it’s you who it reflects badly on not me.

I’m not actually jealous this woman seems like she’s using him for her own ego so they both bad as each other, they like the attention. She’s got no intention of pursuing my boyfriend in real life, she just likes that he still texting her though despite having a girlfriend.

He keeps making future plans to keep me around despite not really giving me what I need so I don’t understand him at all

I have to go to his house to get my stuff I am not good at hiding my feelings so I expect he will turn on the charm. I will let you all know how this pans out

Op your naïvety is quite shocking for this stage in life. Or maybe you’re just very lucky to have never encountered a guy like this before.

you sound like a nice person, would you EVER manipulate someone or say mean things to them? No. Why? Because you’re a kind, caring person. You couldn’t do it. Anyone that can, even if they seem nice for most of the time, is not a nice person. Ultimately nobody is shit all the time but their capacity to be shit is how they should be judged. The longer this goes on, the more damage he’ll do.

please educate yourself about this type of man.

I had to go back to the beginning of the OP because I thought I'd misread 'four months', and that it must be a much longer relationship for this much angst. Come on, OP. It's been four months and there has been no sex for half of that. You should be in the honeymoon phase (and incidentally, alongside everything else you have said exchanging 'I love yous' at this point is a red flag). This is not a good relationship.

"My current DP continues to find it very funny that my ex was in his eyes, is extremely unattractive as he looked at his social media and asked me many times what was I thinking. I didn’t really answer as I felt it was a bit mean."

You're right, OP, it is mean of him! And it's also none of his business. We all have had past relationships, and attraction is far more than the way someone physically appears on social media. Which he knows full well. Again, he's waving his insecurity red flag there. He was probably expecting you to agree with him and say how much more attractive you find him than your ex.

Can you take a friend with you to collect your belongings? Agree on a plan to quickly go in, tell him it's over, then leave.

Please remember you don't need to justify or over-explain anything to him. You've done enough mental gymnastics over him already; you don't owe him loads of words and explanations. You've treated him with kindness, fairness, and patience. At 4 months in, it's time for that to run out! He's behaved very, very poorly.

He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

For this alone walk away

Yes to all those things!

He’s doing nothing to help himself. He’s making you feel bad.

It’s supposed to be your honeymoon period! It’s not supposed to be this much hard work.

he sounds manipulative.

Plus, it’s not an age thing. many men in their 50s have no problem getting an erection and having sex. He shouldn’t blame that.

Yes, that’s what I wanted to add. He’s negging you to make himself feel better.

no.

Yuk to all of this. Wtf? He sounds emotionally immature and incapable of recognising boundaries as well as everything else.

I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

What?????

This just shrieks 'red flag'.

On top of blaming you for making him feel 'pressured' for sex.

If he has insecurities they are for him to fix. Not to use you as a way to make himself feel better.

It just gets worse and worse. Move on

This relationship feels very surface level for both of you

Are you the same age as him OP, I've seen as few posts saying you're a woman in your 50s or at the same stage of life as him, but I can't see you've given your age

Four months and you've been having doubts "for weeks"?
Four months is only a matter of weeks!
It's not like a 25 year marriage with kids and a mortgage.
Cut your losses and get out now.

He just FaceTimed me. I said I would be round later (to pick up my stuff) and tried to pin him down to a time he would be home

He said ‘hmm let’s skip the gym today and have some bedroom exercise after work (wink wink) ’

I did not know what to say, so just smiled a bit then said well that’s up to you so awkwardly.

Ok so hopefully it is now as clear as the light of day this man is weaponising sex to control you and it’s time to dump him and run?

Whatever has been said in discussion has not been absorbed by him. He nods along but don't really get it.
If you are fit and attractive then say yes to one of the men who give you attention don't wave them all away.
See if you can find a new one this weekend.

He's just trying to string you along,OP. He tries to get you all excited, then is put out when you're disappointed - time to get off this unfulfilling merry-go-round. You deserve BETTER!

To be honest I think this is actually a good opportunity to call him out because I bet he has no intention of bothering to actually seduce me. Since we had the last chat where he told me I was putting pressure on him I said I respected him enough to let him lead but I suspect he doesn’t like this either

It's all about control. You're right: he has absolutely no intention of seducing you. It's his way of exerting control over you and making you feel unworthy when it doesn't inevitably happen. He's all kinds of messed up and again, you deserve better!

This is four months in, it sounds way too emeshed. It sounds like you are over at his or vice versa quite a lot.

This should be the fun honeymoon stage so…not sure why you’re putting up with this.

Also, you do know there are other ways to have sex right? Is he bothering with your pleasure at all? Cause he could easily do that without having to finish himself all the time.

Add on: I’ve just read the bit where you mentioned he’s triangulating you against some ransom other women and women online. You know this is a common abuser tactic to make you feel insecure right? And it actually changes the narrative of the ED by the way as abusers often also fake this to make you feel “not enough” or like you are asking too much or being too pushy.

Setting you up to tiptoe around their bs. To feel like you can’t call them out. He’s a game player.

Dont waste time calling him out btw. He’s a headf*cker. Just get him dumped.

I didn’t even bring this up, it was him, he had a whole long conversation with me about how he really wants things to work, be good for us both, less pressure, relaxed, all the things he was going to work on for himself. It came across as very self aware, well thought out and open. But then he’s super confusing with these mixed signals.

I am going to call him out on it and see what he says but I know it’s not going to work out now

@dreamora - why are you so desperate to hang on to this awful man? As other PPs have noted, you’re using terms like “in the early days” and “used to” as if you’re several years in, but it’s only be 4 months - you’re still at the beginning. This is him at his best. This man will destroy you. He’s mean and manipulative. Even nasty people are nice sometimes but honestly this guy sounds dreadful.

I agree with @Dery, why bother? In all my years on MN experience tells me there are no happy endings to these kinds of situations. It will eat away at you and waste your time.

How old are you OP? You don't seem to want to answer this