How long should I wait for intimacy to improve in this relationship?

[dreamora]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation with a man in his 50’s I’ve been seeing for about four months.

We have a fantastic connection, get along incredibly well, and have both expressed that we are in love with each other. He makes future plans with me, gives me lots of nice compliments, and is genuinely affectionate.

However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex. Early on, he took Viagra once, it was successful, and we quickly developed a very active, regular sex life. My observation during that time was that he occasionally struggled to finish, mentioning that he tended to overthink things and found it hard to relax. He also complains a lot about his hips or knees hurting when we have sex and says he wants to get fitter. He does seem to stress about his weight, I think he’s gorgeous but I don’t know if he feels insecure.

Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months.

Because this was bothering him, he decided to stop taking that medication two to three weeks ago. Since then, we've had a long conversation (that he instigated) where I admitted I was worried we were becoming more like friends than lovers. He strongly reassured me that he finds me physically attractive, and wants sex with me, but admitted he feels under immense pressure to perform physically, even though mentally he wants to be with me.

On top of that, he is often completely exhausted from work and falls asleep within minutes of getting into bed. He asked me to just be patient and let the meds get out of his system. I had been instigating sex with him but I’ve stopped now because I don’t want to be pestering him and I want to trust him.

The pressure cycle really peaked a few days ago. He texted me all day saying he was in the mood for sex, I didn’t over respond too much but showed interest, but after we went to the gym, he was too tired and achy and went straight to sleep. We did have sex the next morning, but I had a suspicion that he only did it because he felt he owed it to me.

I think this was true because yesterday, he randomly called me out on it, saying he thought I was pissed off that nothing happened the night before.

To be honest, deep down I was a little let down because it had been built up all day, but I told him I understood he was tired. I genuinely don't want to pressure him, but the more rejected I feel, the more it affects my self-confidence.

Without sounding big-headed, I know I am attractive and I get a lot of (unwanted) attention from men, yet I keep taking his ED personally. I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

We woke up early this morning and I knew sex wasn’t on the menu, as he wasn’t aroused when I hugged him, kept saying he was very achy from the gym and chatting away about the weekend so instead of waiting, I got up and got dressed. He then told me how attractive I looked dressed for work.

Right now, I feel like our physical relationship is entirely on his terms, and I have to just wait around for him to be in the mood. I've become unsure of how to act, I hesitate to hug him, be flirty, or initiate anything because I'm worried about making him feel pressured and it’s making my insecurities run wild.

We can talk openly about it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up, and I am trying to mentally detach because everything else about us is so good, but I have a nagging bad feeling about our future. I want to trust his honesty, but I have a few trains of thought and unsure if it’s just a combination of them all:

1. The ED is a combination of age, fatigue, and health, and it might not just get better.
2. He wants to see me as a sexual partner, but he doesn’t deep down, and isn’t ready to admit this because he loves me otherwise
3. he took me off the market to boost his ego about having an attractive girlfriend and now doesn’t need to try because he’s got me but he’s threatened by my attractiveness, so is bringing my confidence down
4. He finds my ‘desperation’ and desire to have sex with him unattractive and pressurising

Am I facing a choice between learning to live with this or walking away? How do I stop taking this personally, and how can we rebuild intimacy without all this pressure? How long should I wait? I really don’t think it should be this complicated.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I’m not trying to hang on to him now, I do see this is all a mess.

I do have to see him though to collect my things. I can’t send a friend but I am more than happy to go round and tell him straight to his face that I’ve had enough of all this.

I am 45

sorry I didn’t answer. He thought I was younger I get this a lot I don’t look my age yet

I feel you should be more self assured at this age OP. Not hanging onto a new guy with ED and who you are insecure about due to him texting a previous date. You sound like a much younger woman.

Ditch this guy.

I think this was a slow creep as it started off so well. The ED was once, got better, then got blamed on meds and now is being blamed on the gym.

Im not insecure about this woman, she isn’t actually that interested in him, I just don’t think it’s respectful behaviour

All this after just 4 months?

As others have said @dreamora four months in any relationship shouldn't be this difficult.

Teasing you about sex - and then not following through in the circumstances you've laid out here is cruel. You have no idea if he's even going to be able to follow through with this "promise" The Bedroom exercise comment and wink wink alone would be enough for my vagina to clam shut for this guy.

Ed is not an excuse to turn sex into a manipulative tool - which is what he's doing.

You will feel so much better once you've got your stuff back. Remember you dont owe this guy anything. When you end it with him - make it final do not let him talk you into anything that leaves that door ajar.

Enjoy your holiday next week - who knows you will be free as a bird you could end up with a holiday romance!

So, you are a fair bit younger than him and he still thought to say he thought you were even younger? That’s an ick for me.

Hopefully you do can it tonight as he’s been very disrespectful to you (gym, ex GF, ex BF, instagram etc 🤞

However, if you do meet another man with ED, it isn’t all doom and gloom! Mine went to his GP (once he had mustered up the courage….) and had his BP meds adjusted and prescribed testosterone. Things have been excellent since 😂. He also initially masked with viagra but crucially did take responsibility for properly sorting it rather than me having to bend to him.

Enjoy your single holiday! 🏖️

I think he’s purposely eroded your self confidence, by withholding sex, criticising you, etc - and it’s worked. You are hanging on to this loser who is now texting other women in front of you.
Time to dump him and regain your sense of self worth.

Oh my bin this one off.

He sounds dreadful all the way around

You are still young and vibrant
He obviously has been trying to hide his ED and health issues pretending it was something short-term

Sadly so many men around his age are in poor health because they couldn't be arsed to keep up so now they are looking for a nurse with a purse

You're only a few months in with him there's no reason to keep dragging this out thinking it will improve because you know that it just won't. it never does

You've already seen the best when he was trying to woo you it's all downhill from here

You’ve only been together 16 weeks, of that time, at least 8 weeks he’s been saying he doesn’t want to have sex due to low sex drive.m, he’s anxious and struggles with ED.

This is an awful start to a relationship. I’m also questioning how you can truly love each other in that time.

I think you’ve over invested in such a short period of time. If the sex is crap, move on. You don’t have to spend the next decades wishing you were having good sex, move on and find someone who’s can offer what you actually want.

Men can give women sexual pleasure without intercourse. Is he prepared to do this for you, as he ever done this?

Normally with a partner with ED I’d say be understanding it’s a big problem for him etc but this messaging other women he’s been with is not on. Female friends are one thing ex lovers which she is is totally different. It is a pathetic attempt to make you jealous. If viagra worked before why isn’t he taking it regularly (and discreetly) so you don’t feel sexis preplanned even if it is. there ther is another pill which apparently works over longer time period which would make it more natural for you. Try that. Can’t remember name but come up soon as you research ED. As for you losing confidence it’s not he doesn’t fancy you. He clearly has a problem but he’s handling it badly and after 4 months he should be trying harder and showing some understanding of your feelings. He could respond to your overtures and satisfy you other ways or at least try to this is too much about him

Having read your other messages, I’m now convinced he’s a master gaslighter.

HE’S the one with ED. He’s the one who isn’t satisfying you. The one who’s texting other women.

Yet you’re the one sitting around feeling shit. How crazy. If anything, he should feel grateful you’re hanging around, he’s less than a catch.

The best thing you can do for yourself is move on. Stop letting this joke of a man make you feel like this, it’s not worth it.

Forgive me if I am misunderstanding, as I read your posts it appears that you are only really talking about “PIV” (penis in vagina) sex. You suggest taking ‘sexy’ off the table to reduce the stress on him.

Are you open to orgasming any other way?

What else does he do to ensure your orgasm?

He does sound complicated and maybe even too much regardless. Just wanted to be clear that there are options.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp put it so much better. I’ve kept your words for future reference thank you.

My dear woman I thought you were going to say you were in your 60s to be accepting such a shitshow of a man.

I hope you collected your stuff and left with a sigh of relief. At 45 you do not need to settle for a porn addicted limp dick.
There will be plenty of available men in the gym. Based on the number of gym selfies on every dating app under the sun.

Showing you women on Instagram was him testing your boundaries before showing you porn!

This is not a good man. Texting someone he made sure you knew he fancies, while she sends him selfies is grim. He's grim.

My dear woman I thought you were going to say you were in your 60s to be accepting such a shitshow of a man.

Er, why should a woman in her 60s be happy to accept such a shitshow?

Urggghhhh. Just read this crappy update and I have no hesitation in saying GET RID IF HIM. Don’t give him any more of your time or effort.

Didn't say they should but unfortunately are more likely to.

@FinallyHereyeah there are loads of other options, if you’re dating a guy who is genuine and nice and has a legitimate issue causing sexual dysfunction and is trying to overcome it. She shouldn’t be doing a damn thing to pander to this manipulative twat

All this drama…after only FOUR MONTHS!! Fucking hell!! 🤯🤯🤦‍♀️

LOL. As women in our 60s my friends and I no longer have patience for most types of shitshow and make good use of our earned and learned experience!

OP he’s not a nice person. He won’t magically become a nice person. Please look after yourself.

It is ALWAYS a million times better to not be in a relationship, than to hang on to a relationship with the wrong person.

He sounds horrible.
As an aside though, I think you get an unrealistic view on here about ED. It’s very, very common for men in their fifties and viagra is not a magic fix. Sometimes men can’t take it because it is contraindicated with other meds. Sometimes it causes side effects like gastrointestinal problems. It only helps them get hard. If they still can’t finish, they often lose motivation and it doesn’t boost their libido.
I’d say aches and joint pain are fairly common and tiredness for men in their fifties. It is one thing if it’s someone you love and have been with for years and another entirely if they are a new partner.
You can definitely do better than this guy but realistically, just look at the stats for how common ED in that age bracket - if you’re looking to date men that age, this is likely something you may encounter again.
There is a myth surrounding men’s sexuality that they are rampant and can just go forever. Even on here you can see it in the amount of posters who insist low libido must mean he’s having an affair, ED must be due to “death grip”. At least some of the time, no - they are just not in their twenties/ thirties anymore.

I think sadly this is how it’s going to be going forward- you getting more and more frustrated with him and him getting irrate with you if you bring it up.

You are already walking on eggshells around him.

He is negging so you feel bad about yourself and are less likely to leave him.

He gets irritated if he thinks you expected sex and didn’t get it.

Sex is completely on his terms and you need to thread carefully or else he will get upset and it won’t happen.

You are already modifying your behaviour as to not upset him and hide how you trully feel. The more you hide things, the bigger the disconnect will become.

I dont see this working out long term. It’s a shame as otherwise things are good but that’s life. You are likely to end up in sexless relationship with him eventually (pretty soon actually by the looks of it).

@dreamoraHow did you get on last night?