How long should I wait for intimacy to improve in this relationship?

[dreamora]

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation with a man in his 50’s I’ve been seeing for about four months.

We have a fantastic connection, get along incredibly well, and have both expressed that we are in love with each other. He makes future plans with me, gives me lots of nice compliments, and is genuinely affectionate.

However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex. Early on, he took Viagra once, it was successful, and we quickly developed a very active, regular sex life. My observation during that time was that he occasionally struggled to finish, mentioning that he tended to overthink things and found it hard to relax. He also complains a lot about his hips or knees hurting when we have sex and says he wants to get fitter. He does seem to stress about his weight, I think he’s gorgeous but I don’t know if he feels insecure.

Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months.

Because this was bothering him, he decided to stop taking that medication two to three weeks ago. Since then, we've had a long conversation (that he instigated) where I admitted I was worried we were becoming more like friends than lovers. He strongly reassured me that he finds me physically attractive, and wants sex with me, but admitted he feels under immense pressure to perform physically, even though mentally he wants to be with me.

On top of that, he is often completely exhausted from work and falls asleep within minutes of getting into bed. He asked me to just be patient and let the meds get out of his system. I had been instigating sex with him but I’ve stopped now because I don’t want to be pestering him and I want to trust him.

The pressure cycle really peaked a few days ago. He texted me all day saying he was in the mood for sex, I didn’t over respond too much but showed interest, but after we went to the gym, he was too tired and achy and went straight to sleep. We did have sex the next morning, but I had a suspicion that he only did it because he felt he owed it to me.

I think this was true because yesterday, he randomly called me out on it, saying he thought I was pissed off that nothing happened the night before.

To be honest, deep down I was a little let down because it had been built up all day, but I told him I understood he was tired. I genuinely don't want to pressure him, but the more rejected I feel, the more it affects my self-confidence.

Without sounding big-headed, I know I am attractive and I get a lot of (unwanted) attention from men, yet I keep taking his ED personally. I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

We woke up early this morning and I knew sex wasn’t on the menu, as he wasn’t aroused when I hugged him, kept saying he was very achy from the gym and chatting away about the weekend so instead of waiting, I got up and got dressed. He then told me how attractive I looked dressed for work.

Right now, I feel like our physical relationship is entirely on his terms, and I have to just wait around for him to be in the mood. I've become unsure of how to act, I hesitate to hug him, be flirty, or initiate anything because I'm worried about making him feel pressured and it’s making my insecurities run wild.

We can talk openly about it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up, and I am trying to mentally detach because everything else about us is so good, but I have a nagging bad feeling about our future. I want to trust his honesty, but I have a few trains of thought and unsure if it’s just a combination of them all:

1. The ED is a combination of age, fatigue, and health, and it might not just get better.
2. He wants to see me as a sexual partner, but he doesn’t deep down, and isn’t ready to admit this because he loves me otherwise
3. he took me off the market to boost his ego about having an attractive girlfriend and now doesn’t need to try because he’s got me but he’s threatened by my attractiveness, so is bringing my confidence down
4. He finds my ‘desperation’ and desire to have sex with him unattractive and pressurising

Am I facing a choice between learning to live with this or walking away? How do I stop taking this personally, and how can we rebuild intimacy without all this pressure? How long should I wait? I really don’t think it should be this complicated.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Well you have talked to him. Have you discussed bringing toys into your love life. This maybe something you can both enjoy my DP always gets turned on by ghis so maybe something worth exploring as sounds your DP really loves you

Honest to god, fuck that. I would be out of there.

Not necessarily because of the lack of sex, but because he sounds like an emotionally manipulative needy twat.

Yes. It’s something I’d be open to working on in a long marriage, but four months in? Not a chance. He’s moany, unfit, unable to have sex, unwilling to address it, and is making his physical problem your problem, meaning you feel unattractive and as if you’re ‘pressuring’ him. It’s just not working for you. I’d move on.

This sounds exhausting. It's only been 4 months! A relationship is supposed to add joy to your life and this one isn't.

Don't you love the way he's negging you, telling you that you should get a PT because your form isn't good - when he's the one who's overweight and unfit to the extent he can't have sex.

I'd dump him - he's manipulative and trying to bring you down a peg or two. The sexual relationship won't improve and as it gets worse, he'll pin the blame on you again and again.

Far too much drama for 4 months. It won't improve @dreamora it will just get worse. You've had his "best performance" and it didn't last.

Struggle to finish IME is death grip from porn addiction.

There isn't a shortage of men to settle for this rubbish.

Only 4 months in? I wouldn't bother.

And why is he telling you to get a trainer when you're fitter than him?! Laughable.

He doesn't deserve all this headspace and angst.

As for his issues, are you sure he doesn't have a porn addiction?

It’s only four months in. I would finish it.

How old are you?

In my experience, as a mid 50s woman with current and past partners 10 years older, your man sounds decrepit all round! Even putting the ED aside I'd be worried about embarking on a relationship with someone who sounds completely clapped out, if you are healthy and active yourself.

@Mycatmax She will have to, he can't!

My concern would be that he has stopped his meds for your benefit. These are likely to be for high BP and he is putting himself at risk.

It s a shame that he has this problem but it is what it is, and either you can accept that or not. If you cannot then you owe it to him to let him go. He has not chosen to have this problem and you are clear that you want more sex that he is able to give so leave him be.

After just 4 months it will be less of a wrench for him than after a longer time. It all sounds a bit superficial anyway with you telling him you love him after such a short time when you don't really know him properly.

Move on. You don't owe him anything!

Yeah. This. He’s only in his 50s FFS, he’s hardly circling the drain. And he sounds whiny as fuck.

Time to call it a day.
Too much hassle.
He’s not healthy.
You’ll end up being his nurse!

With regard to health issues, I genuinely want to be supportive and I would be happy to take sex off the table while he gets himself back to baseline. It’s not blood pressure. The medication was for something not mandatory, more supplementary. He chose to stop taking it for his own libido of his own volition he brought this up to me as it was apparently bothering him.

He does seem insecure about weight but he’s not obese at all. He is well built with a good physique but he’s lazy and doesn’t put the effort in to maintain it.

However about 5 days after us agreeing to take sex off the table he’s sending me sexual texts about how I’m going to get a good seeing too later, then doesn’t deliver and I don’t know how to process this.

Despite my best efforts to detach sex is now getting tied to my self worth, am I good enough or sexy enough or demure enough and I feel like crying every time I hear him falling asleep again whilst I just lie there alone.

We used to have spontaneous sex but now it’s almost got to be planned and in the mornings if there is sex he has to get up and do a wee, brush his teeth, get a cup of tea. In the early days it was a roll over, get excited, sleepy hot sex then get up for the day. I miss that so much

I don’t think we are superficial we do seem to have genuine deep feelings for each other

The hip and knee pain is more likely to be wearing joints rather than tiredness from the gym. Him being overweight will exacerbate the problem and he'll be facing knee and hip replacements in his future, though they generally don't like giving them to you too young as the implants wear over time and will need further replacements. Agree with a pp, if he has this and other medical issues, you'll end up being his nurse before long and that's a definite passion killer.

This much angst so early in the relationship is not a good sign and will crush your self esteem OP. Think carefully about staying in this relationship as it will not likely improve much.

I'd also caution about declaring being in love too quickly. You don't know each other deep down this soon and you're finding out already in this relationship that he may well be emotionally manipulative. Tread carefully.

I don’t like the way he is making you feel you are ‘desperate’ for sex. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like that and also how/when is it going to get better if at all?

OP, you don’t need to justify ending it! It’s not working for you — that’s the only reason you need. You barely know this man, and this should be the fun, carefree part of a new relationship, not you crying yourself to sleep, listening to him moan about aching, or feeling like you’re some kind of sex pest.

I also don’t think he sounds very nice. This is his issue. He’s making it yours, not working on solving it himself, and he sounds as if he’s actively trying to pass his body insecurity onto you by saying you need a PT as your gym form isn’t good.

I’d move on. Look how much mental energy you’re wasting on someone else’s problem. You’re giving it way more thought than him!

Early days and it's like this? It won't get better.
Time to end it.
Find someone who fancies you and who you fancy.

I had not dissimilar issues with my ex-DP who was a similar age and had similar issues! So similar, I'm wondering if it is him 😉.

The issues did not get better, despite lots of effort, creativity and patience on my behalf and we spent the last two years of the relationship as friends who slept naked in bed together!!!!!

It was a real surprise for me, as I've spent every relationship up until then beating them off!

I hate to say it @dreamora , but I think sexual enthusiasm should probably be peak at the beginning and if it isn't then it probably is unlikely to get better.

"I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises."

You can expect more of this^ if you stay with him. He will continue to try and chip away at your self-esteem, OP. Ask me how I know!*

"However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex."

Hmmmm.
I'm also wondering if porn is actually the root/ part of the root of the issue. Most of the men I dated in my 30s had a form of ED, all down to porn. I'm mid 40s and tried dating again earlier this year - and he also couldn't perform*

"Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months."

"However about 5 days after us agreeing to take sex off the table he’s sending me sexual texts about how I’m going to get a good seeing too later, then doesn’t deliver and I don’t know how to process this.
Why is he over-promising (lying) to you about the sex you will be having, when he knows full well it won't be happening? What does he think the outcome of this will be?!"

Be very, very careful if you stay with him. Agree with PP's he sounds very emotionally manipulative.

You're walking on eggshells to not upset a man who is trying to put you down, and who lies to you. You're over-functioning on the emotional side of this as you're thinking of him and his feelings. What about yours?

He sounds like another complicated man with lots of issues. They are already your issues, 4 months in. Is it worth it?

Unfortunately, I think the sex difficulties will completely eat away at the whole relationship. They’re already destroying your self-esteem.

Can you agree to not attempt penetrative sex for a while and see if that improves anything and takes some pressure off?

It doesn’t sound like he’s prioritising the issue anyway with all the falling asleep and complaining about his joints.

Sadly, I think this isn’t going to end well for you unless you can work together towards a solution.

"demure" enough??

We had such a good chat about this he was very clear he’s totally into improving the situation and getting things back on track. This is why it’s so confusing. I really want to trust him.

I couldn’t work out if he’s just playing me for his own insecurities. I am quite a passive person, and actually from the sounds of things his ex was far more assertive. So it could be a mismatch. I have suspected I am good wife material in his eyes but not sexually appealing it’s something he feels he has to do to access the other benefits of being with me. Hence why I asked if he even fancied me.

@dreamora I honestly don't think trying to work out what is going on in his head is a good idea. We never really know what other people are thinking.

You need to stop looking at this from his perspective and look at it from yours. How important is a good sex life? How long will you give it? How distressing are you going to find his mixed messages? It sounds like he is always going to be the sort of person who falls asleep very quickly - is that going to be an ongoing issue for you?

He set out his stall really early on telling you he had ED issues (mine did exactly the same). This ensures that our sympathy is elicited early on and they can play the "be nice to me, I've got issues" card. So please, please, please think about yourself here and how far you are prepared to compromise your needs to fit around his.