August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

@AttilaTheMeerkat So far my response to Mum's demands has been a fairly bland 'GB2 is dealing with all that now isn't he? You'll need to ask him to sort it out.' But even now she tries to manage situations to avoid 'upsetting' GB2 so I suspect she may have either not asked him or not mentioned that I've said no. Since I made this decision, there hasn't been a need to do any of the more difficult/time consuming tasks that I had been doing for her. I think that's when it will dawn on GB2. For now, he thinks he has 'won' by getting mum to agree to put him in control of her finances etc and thinks he is keeping me at arms' length so that I can't influence Mum.
The most insane thing about this is that a huge amount of what I had been doing for Mum related to managing her finances/household admin and dealing with her healthcare. Once he needs to use the LPA, I won't legally be able do a lot of this on his behalf so even if we were the best of friends he would have had to do a lot of this soon anyway. I truly think, even now, he is expecting that he will be able to use LPA to call the shots but have me actually 'do' everything. I predict that the first time he has to deal with something awkward and time consuming for her he will call in the flying monkeys to 'insist' I step up. My response will be that as he is officially her carer and attorney I am not able to do these tasks.
My only real alternative to this situation would be to tell them both directly that I am reducing contact due to their treatment of me. Given Mum's condition I think it's kinder to avoid this direct approach and to retain a small amount of contact. If I do end up having to be direct about it I'm certain the response will be similar to when I went NC with GB1 which I would rather avoid.

I would never advise you tell either of them directly that you are reducing contact. A slow fade out is a better approach and no direct announcement to reduce contact is necessary anyway.

Keep telling your mother that your scope to help is now limited and so she will need to ask gb2. Get your h to field such calls from her and make use of caller id if you do not already have this. If your mother does phone you can call her back when you feel
like it.

I would agree that he wants to get you to do everything but as he will become the sole attorney it’s solely on him. He is too arrogant and or stupid to further involve you or anyone else and as you will not be your mother’s attorney it’s not your responsibility. I can also see him misusing this powerful document to his own ends but he will not be able to plead ignorance to the court of protection. And I would certainly report him
to then if he misuses this document.

I personally do not like such documents as I feel they’ve been oversold to a public that does not understand the vast legal responsibilities of being an attorney. Many financial institution's don’t readily understand them either even now and they are truly a disaster in waiting in toxic or otherwise dysfunctional families.

Attila- I'm not planning to make any sort of announcement. When I went NC with GB1 I tried to do it quietly but was forced in to dealing with it head on because my parents kept trying to bring him to stay with me and wouldn't accept just being told it wasn't convenient. This time I think I should be able to avoid that because I'm prepared to be LC rather than completely NC.

I agree that many people don't understand the serious legal responsibilities of LPA documents, and that GB2 is highly likely to misuse it (or at the very least not do the job properly). When Mum first started needing help with admin etc I offered to have LPA as I was already familiar with her affairs and keeping records for her, but at that stage GB2 was 'playing nice' and my expectation was that when she could no longer manage to live alone we would find her suitable residential care. More recently I was very concerned about taking on the role knowing that GB2 would be trying to access her money etc and would be likely to make complaints about me if I tried to prevent it- so from a purely selfish perspective it's a big relief. They do seem to be a disaster for dysfunctional families, but I suppose there's not an easy alternative when someone is likely to lose capacity.
Something I have found rather concerning is that there is a huge amount of information and advice online about how to successfully appoint LPA but very little practical information about what the role actually involves. Yes, it's made clear that you must look after someone's assets in their interests etc but very little about exactly what that means and how to do it. I was looking for something to be able to leave with Mum and GB2 to show them that they had to treat it seriously and keep records etc but found very little that actually spelled out what you should/shouldn't do.

I will be keeping an eye on what he does, but have to admit that I'm not sure at what stage I would be confident any action would be taken. I'm unlikely to have any actual factual evidence and GB2 will be backed by all the flying monkeys. I'm very likely to come across as the estranged sister with a grudge trying to make life even more difficult for the lovely son doing his best to look after his mummy.

I wonder if your SIL's family of origin are dysfunctional too and that's the real reason behind her cutting them off? Both of my brothers chose partners with very overtly neglectful parents. I think that was why they so readily accepted the more covertly dysfunctional 'golden child'/co-dependent dynamic with my family. It's definitely been presented to them as what a 'nice' family should be like.

Yes I get the impression. I also get the impression she is trying to prove to her family her worth and it leaves no room for relationships with anyone else. They are like a closed house who are trying to have it all but totally neglecting anyone else.

@MustIgo Sounds familiar. I feel sorry for them. In my family the partners (including my DH) have been expected to put my parents and brothers above anything else, told they are part of the family and to their faces told how wonderful they are. But when they're not around they've been blamed for anything we did that my parents didn't like, complained about by GB1/GB2 and called all sorts of names etc. They think it's very weird that I won't join in and seem to assume that I won't tell DH what they say when he's not around.

It’s all too complicated. Humans are so bloody complicated. It’s funny because most people say that Neurodivergent people have no social skills. But honestly I can spot the patterns everywhere and why even bother entering into a relationship. I just have to shut my mouth because people don’t want to know what they are like. Even this morning at the school gates, people stood bitching about other mothers, half of them are friends. My friend the other day said I’m strange because as soon as I spot something is off with someone I just back away. Why would you bother tho. If someone is bitching to you about someone who you thought they were friends then they will absolutely do the same to you.

I also looked into self protection. How trauma pushes people into this and it goes into overdrive. Explains a lot of selfish behaviour. It takes actual effort and choice to push back from the body’s nervous systems desire to self protect. It’s in all of us apparently. But I don’t want to be cold and selfish.

Is social status a big thing in a neurotypical world? Sorry I think I understand why I’m such a slow learner and I ask so many questions. My ND brain doesn’t use social status at all, I don’t understand it and I therefore don’t realise others do. Narcissistic people use this I think I understand to rate themselves and make themselves feel good. This is why they love the golden child because they bring them social status. I don’t pursue status because being ASD I live in my own little world and I’m happy. I believe that’s probably why I struggle and get the wrong end with narcs. I don’t do hierarchy and tend to just go into situations as myself not being aware what’s happening. I think I annoy them and that’s why I get this weird behaviour from them that being ASD I don’t fully aware of.

@MustIgo I don't think it's necessarily a case of ND or NT. Just that some people, including most narcissists, are very focussed on image and social status whereas others are less so.

My experience is that who becomes the 'Golden Child' is not necessarily about who has the higher social status (at least not in an obvious way) but about keeping the narcissist's 'supply' and control of the family image. My family really doubled down on the 'Golden Child' narrative when my brothers were at their worst. I think the mentality was that it didn't really matter what they were doing as long as they could keep it quiet and/or put a positive spin on it. In fact, bailing them out/covering for them etc kept them close, helped the image of us being really close and ensured they kept all the secrets. I was brought up to be the 'good girl', going along with whatever was necessary to keep the peace. The expectation was clearly that I would be an enabler. Things were fine as long as I kept to my role, but when I stepped out of that role and questioned the Golden Child/Lovely Family narrative I became the scapegoat. Looking at things simplistically, you would imagine it would have made more sense to treat me as the Golden Child since I worked hard, never got in trouble, got a good job/nice husband etc. But all of that helped make me more independent and less inclined to go along with whatever they said so made me the 'difficult' one.

So effectively the golden child and the scapegoat (if they stick around) are all enabling the narc in 2 different ways? Enabling is just another word for covering up? The golden child covers up literally by trying to copy and be perfect and the scapegoat covers up the mistakes by being one effectively. It’s all then just one big cover up. If they so perfect why do they need cover? Or is that it, they aren’t perfect they just hide the imperfections? Seems ridiculous and lengthy.

Am I not supposed to tell it how I see it? Is there something else I’m supposed to be telling the world about my partners parents that I’m missing? Because if you don’t show up, you run off when it gets hard, you don’t want to spend time with the kids and you can’t help but constantly peacock then I assume you’re a twat……I don’t see it any other way so that’s what I’ll say.

@formalwellies I agree, I think the golden child tends to be the one that is the most like the parent - not necessarily the one with the highest status or the one who functions best. Ime, the golden child always seems to “need” the parent more, and maybe that is supply in itself? Making them feel needed.

@MustIgo yes, I think they’d prefer it if you kiss up to them and tell everyone how great they are. Or in some way make them feel special.

@MustIgo I think most people keep quiet about small things that might annoy them about their in-laws just to be polite. For example, if someone asks me what my MIL is like I will say she's lovely. I won't tell them about the minor things she does that get quite annoying if we spend a lot of time with her. Dysfunctional families expect something far more than that, but will pretend it's just the same.

I would sing their praises…..if they’d earned it. The fact they helped so and so and they do this for so and so, go out their way for a stranger, plant flowers or whatever other bollocks means nothing to me. They aren’t helping us, they aren’t interested in the kids. So yeah they look like fantastic community residents but what use is that to us as a family. Perhaps that’s me being bitchy but I can’t use this in real life, can’t sit and struggle at home and use the fact they helped a complete stranger.

I thought narc parents don’t want their kids. But it sounds like they purposely clip their wings because they actually do need them. Would explain why my in-laws preach keeping grandkids at home, no clubs etc.

They need kids because they are a good source of narcissistic supply and are easier to control.

I agree. As with @MustIgo most other adults they encounter aren’t going to think they are amazing and special, but generally, at least for a while, kids will look up to them (maybe even into adulthood). When they start to show their own character or try to walk their own path or in some way don’t conform to what the narc wanted by having children, then other issues start.

They actually have full control over the golden child, that’s the value they hold? The fact that when the MIL says you should do this, jump this way, prioritise this, have this view, like this person, stay away from this person they listen. And yes the SIL and BIL think the MIL is something amazing.

It makes sense now. When we meet I talk a lot about the kids, what amazing things they have done, or things we’ve done. I don’t talk about the MIL and the amazing things she’s done, although she name drops constantly, it’s so annoying as my 3 year old couldn’t give a crap. She can’t reciprocate any excitement for us. The other family are in contrast, the BIL and MIL literally shine each other up with compliments and totally ignore the kids. Adults don’t need this, we’ve kind of had our chance and it’s the kids we need to shine up now.

It was our anniversary the other day, didn’t hear a peep from his parents. When it was the other bros a few months back they got the lovely message and the hearts and the “I love you both” from the parents all over SM. I wasn’t expecting anything but it’s cruel. I can’t imagine not being able to love good people, a good family, an amazing son. I know I’m fully positioned into a role of a person I am not but it isn’t nice. Withholding and justifying and making someone feel less than is cruel. It does cement the reality that the MIL is very threatened by me and therefore her defence system is activated.

Update: dm's birthday yesterday, and I didn't send a card for the first time for anything; I am 40. I have locked her WhatsApp chat too. So far dcs haven't mentioned her at all, although they are usually used to only seeing her in the school hols.

@OneBigDisaapointment thats a big deal, how do you feel? I know it’s not easy to be the one to step away even when it’s obvious you should, so I’d like to say well done.

@MustIgo it’s her/their loss! I hope you had a nice anniversary with your DH. Also, I don’t think it’s “love” they’re showing the other son and DiL, it’s just performative BS imo.

Yeah I know I suppose. It’s not l love you it’s an I love how perfect you make our family look and how little I actually have to do to be associated with it.

@OneBigDisaapointment i hope you are alright x

@MustIgo happy belated anniversary, that other stuff isn’t love is just performarivr crap. Don’t take the slightest bit of notice of it all and you’d not appreciate it if it was done to you as you’d worry what’s going on x

hope everyone is ok. I’m having a terrible time with my health which has triggered me realising how alone I am which has massively impacted my MH. Not had bad panic attacks for four years and hen this week I have had them all week. I’ve been at home for a month too so I just hope it’s not the start of my agoraphobia again. So very worried about myself which in turn makes it worse 😢