Should I leave after my son raised concerns about our family life?

[ThisVividTurtle]

My teenage son has just blindsided me by talking about how he views mine and his dad's relationship - he said:

-dad doesn't do anything with us as a family (me, Ds 15 and Ds 10)

• our family is me, you, my brother and my grandparents - if dad moved out it wouldn't impact our lives, it would be easier because you wouldn't be looking after a grown man.
• dad doesn't help around the house, I see you doing everything even though you work full time.
• dad isn't interested in what we have to say, just his own interests, he's stuck in his phone
• dad prioritises his work and interests over all of us and we have to live in stressful conditions because of this (he runs his own business which has yet to turn a wage - almost there - and the business takes over the whole house to the detriment of family life)
• when dad isn't in the house, I'm so much happier and you're less stressed
• I don't think you love each other anymore

Problem is, he is absolutely spot on with every observation and it makes me very sad. I actually started crying while he was talking. These are the things that run around my head on the daily and why i've initiated separation conversation twice over the past three years with my partner of over 20 years. Both times he has persuaded me that it would be the wrong decision to split and we should communicate better and not throw away years of life together, that our better life is on the horizon within reach. It's improved for a short while and then gone back to the usual

The fact that my son has noticed all this and how angry he is about it is a massive wake up call. I don't want my youngest to feel this way in coming years, and I wonder if I should make the decision to leave. It scares me greatly because I'd miss him, he's my best friend when he's on form, but my son is right - life is easier when he's not here in the house. I'm less stressed, happier, the kids are happier. He causes conflict and resentment.

I had resigned myself to just crack on and try and be more tolerant as long as it didn't affect the kids, because I don't want to split up a family ( we're both from single parent households) and the youngest would be so upset. Should I allow my feelings to be swayed by my son's observations or should I just carry on?

Throw in my so-called dad being abusive, and it was very much the same in our house. I was resentful of the fact that my mother stuck it out (she worried about society's and her family's view of divorce and single parents- she is a people pleaser- financial impact and so on)... and it was a relief for all of us when he died. Even my brother said that he hadn't known someone to change (for the better) as much as our mother, and we were a lot happier without our dad around. These days, she questions how and why she stuck it out, because she said it was like living with a lodger and her two children.

I'm glad that she got the break that she needed, as she's happier and more confident than she was. I suspect that if my dad hadn't died, she'd probably still be putting up with him now- and I'd have been NC because of him.

Wow. That’s a lot for you to deal with.

Firstly, what a mature and brave young man you have. Sounds like you’re raising him to do the right thing and stand up for what he believes in.

You wouldn’t be taking his family away from him. Sadly it sounds like your OH has done that themselves by creating distance between him and his own children. You didn’t do that. He did.

Either way, you don’t have an easy road ahead of you. Do you have friends or family that you could discuss this with? Good luck x

My kids have said different things about their dad at different times and how I have handled it is to have a conversation with their dad where my child(ren) can voice their frustration or upset. If it’s a big thing we do it there and then, I come with my child into the room and ask their dad to listen to them. I think it’s only happened a couple of times but it worked beautifully. It probably does rely on the dad being reasonable though, which my partner is.

You say you don’t want to upset your husband. Did he think about not wanting to upset you when you told him multiple times you were unhappy and wanted to leave? Did he think about not upsetting you when he changed briefly and then went back on his word?

You and your sons deserve so much more.

Your son has opened up his feelings to you. You simply cannot ignore what he has said. If you do, it would make you an accomplice to his growing unease .
You make steps to organise a separation. Tell your H that even the children are noticing. It's time for him to act like a father, husband & partner.
Let Him show if he wants to step up & prove to your DC he cares.

What a great kid.
Listen and act.

You know what you need to do.

I strongly suspect you've really known for some time, but now you have your, and his, own son telling you.

Are you going to do it?

Habit - the habit of staying - is a very powerful force. But if you can break the habit of staying as you are, your life and your sons' lives will transform.

Can you break that habit?

Thanks for all the responses, some tough words to hear there. For clarity we aren't married, and the house is in my name, but he contributed the original deposit.

I've been unhappy for a while but breaking out is hard and I'm a conflict avoider so this is a nightmare. I don't live near my blood family so I would be on my own with the boys if I did this, unless i left my job and pulled the kids out of their schools to move back home. It's a big change and I don't want to make a snap decision about it, so I'm going to think on it and work out if (and when) i can exit at the best time for the boys. Probably time to do some research and get my head around it.

Thank you for the lovely comments about eldest DS, he is indeed a gem, and he would be fine with the change. Youngest is closer to his dad so he would be very upset if we didn't all live together.

If you're son hasn't thought about a future career he sounds like a therapist in the making. Be proud of him for his ability to see things and to not be afraid to bring it to your attention. You did a good job Mom.

This is a bit of a last chance saloon with your eldest. Don’t fuck it up by staying.

If you aren't married, this is much easier from a financial
/housing perspective.
Please listen to your ds.
Your lives will be so much better away from this person

^ 💯 this

Yes, sounds like you should. I can’t tell you the relief I felt when my mum told me we were moving out. Life after that was so, so much better and I loved our little house together.

In a few years time, he’ll be leaving home. After that, coming back home is a choice. I have so many friends who do not go home to visit their parents in their 20s, 30s and 40s because of exactly all the things your son described. My mum and my MIL have both gone on to have 2nd marriages very much like this too. Dh hasn’t been home in over a decade and I haven’t in probably close to that as well.

If you want a happy healthy relationship with your ds going forward, you need to give him a happy family life to come back to.

Why are you worried about upsetting your DH? He is clearly at least partly detached from your (and his) family.
And neither is he at all concerned about how this has affected you all. And your son sees all this with great clarity.
Yes, there may be upheaval in the short term but it seems you and your sons will be happier as a result.

If you want a happy healthy relationship with your ds going forward, you need to give him a happy family life to come back to

This is crucial. In a few short years he may be leaving for university and may never come back because his dad makes his family home so unpleasant to live in.

Choose yourself OP and your boys. Your partner has had his chance to change.

Work out what the options are, the pros and cons, then talk it through with eldest son. Give him a chance to do some research too. He's earned the right to have a say.

You need to listen to your son. Your husband doesn’t want you to split as when he says life is easier together, he means HIS life is easier.

You have a lovely son.

I feel for you as this must've hurt.
My DS have both made very accurate and perceptive observations of my life, almost painfully so.
Your DS knows you deeply, and observes the reality of your daily life upclose. Unless him and DP have some serious underlying beef, I'd be inclined to take what he said seriously, especially as it seems to reflect closely how you feel a lot of the time.

Thank you for raising a boy who cares about how men treat women.

I think something has to change, clearly the arrangement suits DP but not you or your children, if he is causing tension and not pulling his weight in the house you would all be better off without him.
I don't really understand the throwing away 20 years of a relationship- they were either happy or unhappy years what you do now does not affect that.
You can't have a happy partnership with someone who refuses to pull his weight and causes everyone stress- either he has to change or leave.

They haven't been entirely unhappy years and i wouldn't change them because I have my two boys. But there have been a number of moments where we could (should) have parted ways. I've stuck it out because of the kids, commitment, loyalty and wanting the change to happen. He's been dealt a shitty hand in life a few times, before and during our relationship. I try to be mindful of that. I don't think he is happy either.

It needs to happen even though it's hard. Might take me two months or twelve but I'll get there. As another poster said, I don't want to spend another five years dithering on a decision.

I couldn’t have my kids thinking this was ok. Please don’t let them have their childhood like this. I can’t imagine your son would have spoken up unless it was really troubling him.

I could have written your exact post. Even down to the bit about your brother - my younger brother is the same, he's now 55, has never had a 'proper' relationship and as he now lives with my mother as her full time carer, it's unlikely he will.

My father started cheating on my mother when my older brother started primary school. He never stopped, right up until the point he finally left my mother the year my younger brother turned 18. It was blindingly obvious he had been waiting until all 3 of his children were adults - so he wouldn't have to pay child support - to leave. He married the 'other woman' and has now been married to her for 30 years. I've been no contact with him for 37 years.

I have also tried to have the conversation with my mother - doesn't go well as she is a narcissist (as is my father) and has zero self knowledge. Myself and my two brothers had a rotten stressful childhood as my mother always put her marriage to my father before us. My mother actually blames me for my father having his exit affair and leaving - me getting married and leaving home made him 'feel old'.

I can't forgive or forget, either. I live on the other side of the world to my mother and rarely see her....my older brother is the same. None of us have had children of our own.

@ThisVividTurtle Your son is very brave, and very right. Please listen to him.

You can't be that sure your youngest will be very upset - you said your eldest blindsided you with this so it's fair to assume your youngest might also have feelings you are unaware of.