Should I leave after my son raised concerns about our family life?

[ThisVividTurtle]

My teenage son has just blindsided me by talking about how he views mine and his dad's relationship - he said:

-dad doesn't do anything with us as a family (me, Ds 15 and Ds 10)

• our family is me, you, my brother and my grandparents - if dad moved out it wouldn't impact our lives, it would be easier because you wouldn't be looking after a grown man.
• dad doesn't help around the house, I see you doing everything even though you work full time.
• dad isn't interested in what we have to say, just his own interests, he's stuck in his phone
• dad prioritises his work and interests over all of us and we have to live in stressful conditions because of this (he runs his own business which has yet to turn a wage - almost there - and the business takes over the whole house to the detriment of family life)
• when dad isn't in the house, I'm so much happier and you're less stressed
• I don't think you love each other anymore

Problem is, he is absolutely spot on with every observation and it makes me very sad. I actually started crying while he was talking. These are the things that run around my head on the daily and why i've initiated separation conversation twice over the past three years with my partner of over 20 years. Both times he has persuaded me that it would be the wrong decision to split and we should communicate better and not throw away years of life together, that our better life is on the horizon within reach. It's improved for a short while and then gone back to the usual

The fact that my son has noticed all this and how angry he is about it is a massive wake up call. I don't want my youngest to feel this way in coming years, and I wonder if I should make the decision to leave. It scares me greatly because I'd miss him, he's my best friend when he's on form, but my son is right - life is easier when he's not here in the house. I'm less stressed, happier, the kids are happier. He causes conflict and resentment.

I had resigned myself to just crack on and try and be more tolerant as long as it didn't affect the kids, because I don't want to split up a family ( we're both from single parent households) and the youngest would be so upset. Should I allow my feelings to be swayed by my son's observations or should I just carry on?

It clearly wouldn’t upset the kids

No, OP, you would not be taking anything away from him. HE has let the only family he has slip away through selfish, thoughtless behaviour. He KNOWS there is a risk he'll lose you all, because you've threatened it before, yet he STILL HASN'T CHANGED. You are still treating him like a man child you are responsible for mothering. You are not responsible for managing his feelings, 'fixing' his lack of immediate family or his lack of income. (Although I'd be wary of the latter meaning you have to pay him maintenance of some sort - I'd check all the financial consequences with a solicitor before actually leaving, but I would leave if I were you.)

You would not be being selfish to leave. You would be doing your job as a parent by putting the needs of your children first.

Your son sounds like a great kid and will hopefully continue to be an ally to the women in his life. Poor kid though, if he’s noticing it must be obvious.

I think the time has come to be explicit with DH..
"I think our relationship has run its course, I don't feel loved or appreciated by you and neither do the kids. I'm fed up with doing 90% of what is needed to run this house and contributing 100% of the income to do so. If this is a shock to you, it shouldn't be, but because I want to be fair, I am giving you the opportunity to change all that. If you chose not to start pulling your weight and participating in family life, and contributing a reasonable share financially, then we will have to call it day. "
Then in your head, set a deadline by which time you will want to see a marked improvement, say 3 months time, and see what happens.
I would put money on him not changing, or at least not keeping it up for any length of time, but you will know you have given him the chance to put things right, and that if he doesn't, that is his choice, and you won't need to feel responsible for him.
Don't get embroiled in arguments or discussions, just observe what he does. Get legal advice in the meantime.

he doesn't seem that interested in having a family OP so no need to feel guilty about that.

You wouldn't be taking his family away from him. You would be removing the tyranny of his lack of input and low energy from your lives. He has failed to cherish you all. He does not deserve to keep you

I think that your wonderfully perceptive son is practically begging you to split up.

Im in a bit of a similar situation. Gosh when you see things with fresh eyes it can be bloody upsetting and unsettling!! Im slowly slowly getting a picture of where I stand so that I know what is possible.

Well it sounds like you raised a lovely young man.

For me this would be a dealbreaker and I would leave.

However if you don't want to you aren't compelled to. It's OK to also have an honest discussion with your lovely boy and say that you recognize and value his opinion but also your marriage is your own choice and you love his dad and want to stay (if this is the case).

“He also has no immediate family. So I'd be taking the only family he has away from him.”

oh boo hoo.

Prioritise your children who are already screaming at you to get rid of this waste of space.

Yeah sounds like they would be proud

So much for the kids never noticing, which we so often hear. Prioritise the children he doesn't seem to care about.

This is exactly why I say you should never stay together for the kids. They know

You’ve created a wonderful safe dynamic where your son feels comfortable talking to you which is great. Your husband has it easy by the sounds of it - most lazy hands off men are at least earning a wage but he isn’t even contributing money to the family?! What’s his purpose? I’m not saying money is everything by the way, just that the usual excuse to do nothing is that they are the breadwinner whereas he clearly is not.
of course he doesn’t want to separate. It’s up to you, you say you’ve been thinking of it. What’s stopping you? Genuinely, what makes you decide to stay?

Why would it be the wrong decision to leave him?. Your son is perceptive and has pointed out the problems in your marriage. He’s telling you the truth and a truth you may have not wanted to fully accept. Staying for the sake of the kids if you’ve done that no one , least of all them. And if anyone moves out it should be he and not you and your kids. Legal advice should be sought by you on all aspects of separation and divorce, knowledge here is also power.

He’s done you a favour here by busting though any and all denial you’ve had re the state of your marriage.

dad doesn't help around the house, I see you doing everything even though you work full time.

What do you mean by this?

He’s a grown adult, not your child.

You’re not his mummy so how come he doesn’t do 50% of all of the housework and cooking etc?

I genuinely couldn’t imagine myself in a situation where I did everything whilst another adult did fuck all.

This alone would make me end the relationship.
No way would I let my kids see me being treated like an unpaid maid.

staying for the kids IS selfish, as you're using them as a reason to stay in a terrible marriage. Kids know and it does affect them.

Listen to your son and leave Op, show your children this is not what a good marriage is.

No one has ever truly stayed together ‘for the kids’.

It’s just an excuse they say because they don’t want to admit that it’s them that doesn’t want to leave.

Unfortunately, it’s the kids who’re usually the most impacted by it and wished they’d separate.

You wouldn’t be doing it though - HE has done this and would be facing the consequences of his own actions. Try to be clear on that, as hard as this is, and I’m sure you’re not perfect, but you are not responsible for him and how he’s chosen to behave in relation to his only family.

What a testament to you that your son sees all this and condemns it. He shouldn’t have to though. In relationships we model what we’ve seen and been part of, not what we think intellectually.

Only three years until your son can vote with his feet. Enough time fir you to do what is necessary to build a home he might want to come back and visit.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. You sound like a great mum. The reality is (although MN will have you believe different) a lot of men don't pull their weight and can be moody. I'm not saying you should stay, but I'm saying you should not feel guilt for staying. You've raised a son who loves and respects his mum and is unlikely to be one of those men who leaves everything to his wife. Be proud of yourself.

You're not taking his family away from him by leaving. He's still the parent of two children even though he had refused so far to do his share of parenting or childcare. He is still able to do his share going forward and be a parent, at least to the 10yo, even if the marriage ends.

You say you've allowed him to get away with shirking his household and family responsibilities because you "don't want to have to ask someone to get stuck in", but the fact that you'd even have to do that is the basis of the problem and the inequity here. You two are the adults in the house, partners in the relationship, and the parents of both children. You each have the exact same level of responsibility for keeping the household and family unit running and caring for the children; no one is in charge and no one should be delegating the work, unless it's suitable chores for the children. Your teen son sees that what's been happening is unfair to you and is angry and upset on your behalf. Why can't your husband, who supposedly loves you and wants what's best for you, see that and just do his share (which may be MORE than half if he has turned the house upside down with his business)?

I'd have a very hard time staying in a relationship with him if he can't. You have made it very clear to him that his behaviour is risking everything - the marriage, the household, the family unit - AND HE STILL DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH to treat you like an equal and respect your time and needs and well-being any more than he absolutely must to keep you from leaving immediately. You've given him two ultimatums, for very good reason, and followed through on none. I'd be astonished if he changes if given a third. Even if he did, I don't think I could ever forgive him for leaving it so long and putting me and the children through so much.

Then do the right thing and put the kids welfare first and end the marriage

don’t be talked round. Your sons will always remember this if you do it and it will only strengthen your relationships with them as they grow into men

don’t put your husband first - show your son what you’re made of and you’ll then be able to feel proud of yourself

what ever you do, don’t twat about for years dithering. Be decisive!

What do you want 5 years from now to look like for you and your children? Is it the same as now or different?
The only thing you can change is your response to the situation. You have tried with your husband and nothing has changed, to the point that your son can see that this isn’t okay.
He has verbalised that the home is happier and less stressed when your husband is not there. Surely that has got to be a good starting point for change