Should I leave after my son raised concerns about our family life?

[ThisVividTurtle]

My teenage son has just blindsided me by talking about how he views mine and his dad's relationship - he said:

-dad doesn't do anything with us as a family (me, Ds 15 and Ds 10)

• our family is me, you, my brother and my grandparents - if dad moved out it wouldn't impact our lives, it would be easier because you wouldn't be looking after a grown man.
• dad doesn't help around the house, I see you doing everything even though you work full time.
• dad isn't interested in what we have to say, just his own interests, he's stuck in his phone
• dad prioritises his work and interests over all of us and we have to live in stressful conditions because of this (he runs his own business which has yet to turn a wage - almost there - and the business takes over the whole house to the detriment of family life)
• when dad isn't in the house, I'm so much happier and you're less stressed
• I don't think you love each other anymore

Problem is, he is absolutely spot on with every observation and it makes me very sad. I actually started crying while he was talking. These are the things that run around my head on the daily and why i've initiated separation conversation twice over the past three years with my partner of over 20 years. Both times he has persuaded me that it would be the wrong decision to split and we should communicate better and not throw away years of life together, that our better life is on the horizon within reach. It's improved for a short while and then gone back to the usual

The fact that my son has noticed all this and how angry he is about it is a massive wake up call. I don't want my youngest to feel this way in coming years, and I wonder if I should make the decision to leave. It scares me greatly because I'd miss him, he's my best friend when he's on form, but my son is right - life is easier when he's not here in the house. I'm less stressed, happier, the kids are happier. He causes conflict and resentment.

I had resigned myself to just crack on and try and be more tolerant as long as it didn't affect the kids, because I don't want to split up a family ( we're both from single parent households) and the youngest would be so upset. Should I allow my feelings to be swayed by my son's observations or should I just carry on?

The fact your son is voicing his concerns to you is good. You need to listen to him, how much has he not said?
You are not happy in this situation and your son obviously isn

So good that your son is able to voice this to you.
it’s ultimately up to you what you wish to do with this information!

Of course your husband wanted to stay married to you - he's being working on his hobby business and didn't have any money!

Your son sounds really great. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to say all that. Now you have to really think about what he said and take it on board. He would be happier living without his dad there. Presumably your other child would, too. You know you would be.

Oh op xxx
Youve had a bit of a shock. Well done on your parenting that you have raised such a bright and observant young man x
Try sitting on it for a while. What you need to do next will become clear soon

Those are very similar to my reasons for leaving (and for staying as long as I have) and part of the reason I’m leaving is that I don’t want my children to see all that as a normal relationship.
You have a very perceptive child and I’d take notice of how much that all rings true for you. He is also taking away any guilt you might have had before about leaving.

Gah, that's made me cry again. I'm close to both boys and we do a lot together- without dad, generally.

I'm worried about upsetting DH by creating a massive upheaval, but also not taking heed of my boys' thoughts and feelings and giving them a shitty childhood :(

How long has he been filling your collective house with his hobby?

I feel sad your son feels this way and has a father who has shown him this side of ‘men’.

But I am also really happy that he a) feels able to talk to you so honestly and b) SEES THIS MALE/HUSBAND/FATHER behaviour for what it really is. Honestly this is a relief, as unpleasant as it is. Hopefully he will take what he has observed from him father and be a much better husband and father himself.

Your son is clearly saying that things wouldn’t be different if Dad wasn’t there.

But there are a lot of factors to consider when splitting. Maybe timing for the youngest..

Sounds like you have a wonderful son, a lot of teenage boys would be taking on board the behaviour your husband is modelling as a normal dynamic in a marriage. You must be a very good mum 🩷

4 years. He's started taking a small wage this year, and it does have the potential to be lucrative. Just takes time.

Your marriage is so shitty your 15 year old son has come to you with a list of why you should be splitting.

Your husband has a hobby, not a business.

You've set your kids an example of what a marriage should not be.

Think on that.

And during these four years he also hasn't done any housework?

Your son sounds like a good boy.

sounds like you should be proud of that young man you are raising (with little help)

absolutely do not carry on, your son is telling you not to. Put yourself and those two boys first. You deserve to be happy not walking on eggshells

I know. I'm wrestling with the guilt of this.

It's not as if he never ever does, but i do 90% of it. I don't want to have to ask someone to get stuck in, so I'd rather just crack on and do it myself. Rod for my own back, I'm aware.

oh OP. this is all stuff I’ve said to my mum about my dad, but at the end of the day she loves him. I’ve said for years and years I don’t like my dad because of how he treats us (honestly; every point your son made is the same as what we’ve said. It’s scary!) and she still stays. It’s completely up to you what you do.

You also need to show your son that he’s absolutely right - it is wrong to treat women & your family this way. And more importantly to show him you’re a strong woman who won’t accept it.
Otherwise he’s bright enough to identify it yet is being taught it’s acceptable

I've made plans in my mind to leave multiple times, I'm the breadwinner (with a moderate wage) so we'd manage financially. It's more worry that it would be the wrong decision, that I'm being selfish, that it would upset the kids. If you told me that tomorrow I would wake up and it would all be sorted without any conflict, and we'd move out just the three of us with no arguments, I'd do it in a heartbeat. He also has no immediate family. So I'd be taking the only family he has away from him.

I wish my dad had left my mother when I was a teen tbh but I never had the courage to speak to him about the tense atmosphere at home and my mother’s unacceptable behaviour.

Your son must have spent a while deliberating over whether to raise this matter. He’s been braver than I was.

It’s your decision of course. But bear in mind what your son has said. And think about how you’ve tried and failed to address the problems with your partner before….don’t just rinse and repeat, either accept what he’s like and try to be positive, or separate. I’d separate tbh.

Exactly this. I tried to have similar conversations with my mother over the years but she was not interested in hearing it. They're now in their 80s, I'm in my 50s and she STILL can't understand why my brother and I have no respect or love for our father. What she also fails to comprehend is that her failure to engage on this has caused us to have similar feelings about her. I understand her position better now than I used to but I can't ever forgive and forget. The damage goes even further in terms of the examples set by my parents to us and what it has meant in our lives. My brother has never had - and probably never will have - a decent, stable relationship.

You will always find reasons to stay with him. That's the easy part. Listening to your son and acting on what he's telling you - which you know to be true - seems the harder choice now but will reap rewards in the future in terms of your relationship with your children and probably for your own self-esteem. Given that the chances of him changing and transforming into someone your kids can actually respect are slim to none, those are your only two options.

Honestly I think you should leave. If you’ve already been thinking about it, then it’s time. You would be much much happier x

So I'd be taking the only family he has away from him.

We reap what we sow.

that it would upset the kids

I think it's been made clear to you that's not the case. We used to hope and wish our parents would split so we wouldn't have to be around our father. Your older son has actually requested this - if what he said were not true then it would be reasonable to assume he's too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships, but you've already said that's not so.

…that our better life is on the horizon within reach

I think you should really really interrogate this sentence.
He means when the kids have left - and what does that tell you about what he really thinks of being a parent. And what he really think of his children. None of it is good.

Sounds like your husband needs a reality check with the situation he finds himself. If learning that his children see this, and that doesn't bring about change, nothing will.

I know that my wife does more than me in some areas, but I'm always trying my best to do my share - hearing this from any of my kids would break me.

I had that conversation with my mum for years. My parents stayed together and all 5 of us siblings are fucked up by living with all that sadness and stress, cortisol flooding our systems for decades. I feel most sorry for my three brothers who have never had the first idea of how to treat women (as equals and with love) and so are now bitter old men. They had such potential to be happy.

My situation was in the 1960s-1980s when it wasn't so easy to divorce. You don't have to stay in this situation.

It took a lot for your son to say this to you. Act on what he's said, for all of you.