Partner arranges grandparent visits for his son because his ex will not

[Idontlookyoung]

Partner insists that he should ensure his 16 yr old son sees his XW parents, as XW isn't bothered about making it happen.

He doesn't want DS missing out on seeing his GP.

I think 16 yr old DS needs to see his mum for who she is. I think his mum needs to arrange this. Not DP.

DP doesn't want his DS missing out on grandparent time, as he sees it as beneficial.

I hate that DP is still resolving his XW issues of her own causing..

How do i help him see he's being a pawn to XW?

I don't understand what it's got to do with you?

Surely you realise that as a parent, you do everything you reasonably can to further your child's interests and happiness.

If your co-parent can't or won't do something, you don't just go, oh well, fuck it, not my job.....

Presumably your partner thinks that seeing the grandparents is beneficial to his son? So that's why he does it?

I don't really see why it's matters whose "job" it is.

You have given us scant details here, but I am assuming the ExW is perhaps struggling in some way - maybe MH or addiction issues - if she isn't seeing her own son currently or facilitating visits with her family. Of course I could be wrong - maybe she just doesn't give a fuck. But usually most parents, especially women, prefer to keep some contact with their children if at all possible.

If your partner is trying to shield his son from the reality of this, so that he has the chance of rebuilding his relationship with his mom further down the line, when she is hopefully a bit more sorted, then he is actually being an excellent parent.

And yes I would say the same if the genders were reversed. I have massive admiration for women who go the extra mile to facilitate good relationships between their kids and their dad, even if the dad is far from perfect. Because, in the absence of abuse and cruelty (and if ExW is an abuser that's a big drip feed!) most kids benefit from having positive relationships with both parents....

What is your end goal here. What do you want your partner's son to feel about his mom and her family? And why do you desire this?

Child comes first, that's what is important. Obviously ex should be facilitating relationship with her parents, but if she isn't it is good that your partner is helping facilitate it. Many women do this with their ex's parents, as their ex is useless. A child shouldn't miss out on extended family due to their parents splitting up and one parent being crap. Their life already has enough crap in it, without taking GPs away too

Best interest of the child innit

It's interesting what you chose to ignore here.

Because having a relationship with his grandparents benefits your partner's son.

Not your business.

Depending where the GPs live and what their state of health is, maybe he needs help with transport to visit them - either for dad to fund him going on public transport, or maybe needing a lift?

A 16 year old could be appropriately independent for his age and still need help, whether practical or financial, to travel around the country.

What's it got to do with you though? And why are you being weird about it?

I was the ex who is a woman

my DH thought it was best if I maintained the paternal grandparent relationship because he was a decent man who wanted the best for my child

Wow. This would be such a reverse response if ex was a woman.

Well for once - no, it absolutely wouldn't.
It makes no difference whatsoever.

Being a parent is not a 'job'. If his ex wife does not facilitate a relationship between her child and her parents then your partner is to lauded for stepping in and doing it.

I didn't say that he didn't need help, but I would expect at 16 to arrange visits then ask for the help needed or vice versa depending on the circumstances.

@GeorgeMichaelsCat
The man probably has a good relationship himself with his ex-wife's family. What exactly is wrong with what he is doing?

How do i help him see he's being a pawn to XW?

He isn’t. He’s being a great parent to his son.

Although it sounds like you’d get along great with the ex wife, maybe give her a call? 🙄

It really wouldn’t. Shedloads of women all over the place facilitate their children’s relationships with paternal grandparents.

Why would your partner not help his son out in something his son wants to do? How does that benefit your partner or his child exactly?

No I’m sorry but you are still wrong. If a woman facilitated her children’s relationship with their other GP (important bit now) in the face of such hostility from their new partner. She would be told to ditch the controlling partner.

The child is 16, he absolutely does not “need” to see his mother for what she is, as you are painting her. If we flip it a little - you want to sabotage a child’s relationship with his grandparents so that you can denigrate his mother. That really isn’t nice at all.

His "job" as a parent is to do what's in his son's best interests. Keeping up a relationship with his grandparents is, therefore, part of his job description.

You have an extremely rigid and controlling view of parenting and co-parenting if you think there are his and her jobs and no crossover.

Exactly. And while you might say that at 16, he could do it for himself, a lot of 16 year olds are immature, busy, and struggling due to choices made by the adults around them. So they do need any decent adults to push them to make choices that are ultimately beneficial, whether that's reminding them about medical appointments (at 16 they can go alone, but a lot wouldn't) or keeping up relationships.

Because he's a nice man and a good father with terrible taste in partners

In fact you should release him back into the wild ASAP we need more single men like him

It is his job, because he is the child's parent.

The child needs something, one or both of the parents should provide it. If one doesn't, the other steps in.

She sounds jealous to me.

This would be such a reverse response if ex was a woman.

But the ex is a woman? You use the words mum and she.

You might not think it’s ’his job’ to facilitate this but it’s his job to make sure his child is happy. If his mum isn’t doing that surely it’s a good thing his dad is stepping up?
Why does it bother you?

I'm currently facilitating this for my DS.

ExH is NC with his mum. Reasons are very outing.

ExMIL did not like me when I separated from ex (usual story - he was cheating.). She very much sided with her DS. It was an incredibly bitter divorce.

However, she wanted to see her DGC, so she reached out. I've been helping DS and exMIL meet ever since.

From being bottom of the pile regarding D('s)IL / ExD('s)IL, I've likely been promoted.

I'm just happy to help.

Her other DC is overseas.

To be fair, OP hasn't explained what level of support her partner is providing - just that he "ensured" his son sees the grandparents. Which might well just mean giving him a lift to see them, or the bus fair, or whatever. That's how I understood it. I have got a 14 year old, and I wouldn't get very far insisting she saw relatives she didn't want to see - but I do facilitate her seeing them by providing transport etc.

It's all a bit vague - we don't know what level of involvement the son has in arranging the visits, whether he wants them to happen etc. Certainly I can't tell this from the information OP has given, anyway.