How do you overlook daily annoyances in a happy marriage?

[SheThinksShesAllThat]

How do people stay married to someone for so long…… it’s bloody tough!

My husband of 6yrs is a lovely man but I can’t help get so annoyed at the smallest of things.

I need some advice of how to look past the really annoying things that bug me on a daily basis….. I would never leave my husband because he can’t clean up after himself 😂.

I hear you.
My husband has slowly tricked me into accepting it all. Some things I just stop doing (leave skid marks in the toilet) and learn to ignore. (He also does the washing thing).
However 14 years in and perimenopause has hit and I've realised I live with someone who has never ever had to look after his surrounds and has made me lower my standards cos I'm so exhausted running around trying to sort stuff. The worst thing is they don't even realise. 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it' 'i did the washing up'
He seriously thinks he does half the load. Even when I present it in a list he'll add all the admin stuff he does do. (Which he does, but it's not the same as tidying up after yourself as you go).
Put it together with my hormonal rage and his scratching his balls in bed and we are in marriage counselling. He's on MN too but but now I'm so pissed off I don't even care if he sees this.
Do not end up like us. Nip this in the bud now while you're only 6 years in..

My DH is untidy and used to leave his dirty socks on the bedroom floor. In annoyance I started putting them back in his sock drawer instead of the laundry basket. He eventually noticed, when they were all dirty, and he really had the hump. I’d like to say he doesn’t do it now, but he still does 20+ years on. Nowadays it’s established that he doesn’t clear up after himself that well but will do it when asked. I put his bits and bobs from around the house in a pile and say put it away where it lives please. I also ask him to tidy the bedroom. I accept it because he’s great in lots of other ways and I’m also quite annoying.

Wait a second, how do you deal with either situation? What do you do if the standards are different? Just take it on the chin?

Asking for very, very obvious reasons, I'm in awe of such long relationships!

Be clear about your expectations and manage to minimise deliberate incompetence

It sounds like you are a sahp and he’s the main earner.
if this is the case then think long term about you paying into a pension and savings account in your name.

he isn’t treating you with much respect - spit in the sink and phone during dinner - so you MUST protect yourself as NO ONE else will put you first - you must put you first.

IMO if they know you can just walk out the door anytime then they behave better.

just coz he ‘works hard’ doesn’t mean he can treat you like a skivvy. Loads of people work hard and long hours and manage to respect their partners

IMO if they know you can just walk out the door anytime then they behave better.

sounds like a line that Nora Batty would say in Last of the Summer Wine.

The only thing that has worked for me (18 years in) is I decided to drop some of the responsibilities because I was sick of being responsible for everything. I literally picked somethings and I stopped doing them. I didn’t ask dh to do them nor did I complain they weren’t done. Eventually he did start to do them because it turned out it did matter to him. Once I’d dropped around 30% i didn’t mind doing the other stuff any more. I no longer felt taken for granted.

34 years together, 24 years married. I have always subscribed to the ‘3 gifts’ exercise which is usually for depression/anxiety, but it is really useful when reminding yourself why you love someone.

Every night you sit and make a conscious effort to recall 3 lovely things that day for which you are grateful - someone holding the door open, an unsolicited ‘Love you’ or hug from your child, a car letting you out at a junction. The theory is that it primes you to look for the good stuff so that after a few weeks you notice all the positive interactions and notice the negatives less.

Might be hard to do every night if you only spend a few hours together, but even just looking for one thing a day and building up is a good exercise. On top, it’s suggested you ‘thank’ them so that they know that that behaviour was well-received and they do it again, so at bed time you might say ‘just wanted to thank you for that [thing] you did for me today. I know you probably don’t realise, but it was so helpful and I really appreciate it’.

It’s about breaking the cycle of looking for him to be annoying and also affirming the things he does that you love so that you create positive interactions?

I do it every now and again with my teens when they have been going through an annoying phase…

It depends if I think i am unreasonable or not 😄 so husband puts jackets on the back of the kitchen chair, it drives me nuts, but it isn't important enough to nag about, i just think it looks untidy, so I leave it. There is other annoyances

same here. I'd give anything to have to hunt for his discarded socks again. OP you learn to laugh at the stupid stuff and yes you CAN help it. A thing I learned during a bad time in my life, nothing to do with my husband, is "Is this a dealbreaker?" and if the answer is no, then "is there something I can do to fix it"?

Sit down together when there's no distractions and both write a list of things you'd like your partner to do more or less of and then exchange lists. Both resolve to do one thing a week on your partners list. I do couple counselling and this works quite well and at the very least it will get you talking about the issues!

I don't know about that being on MN part. Some posters like to say LTB over any flaw.

This....this....is so much more important than who cleans the basin.

I was married for 52yr before my husband passed..we had our ups and downs like most married couples..and what got me through most was believing that all women have a brain each..but men share 1 brain between them..I just used to say..not your turn today and shake my head..after 3mths of this and no arguments or getting upset..he asked what I meant about not his turn..so I explained..he then started saying..not my turn today when he did something stupid..then we would both laugh...

Living with another human being, even a best friend, is not easy. Little annoyances from another person are always more of an issue if the little annoyances emanate from us.

With men, and I'm generalising here, it's a different view point and priority rating on things ...and that's where the irritation comes in. A bulb out in the chandelier needs changing because it's very evident (to us)? But there are 8 others that still give light which is surely fine (to them), etc.etc.

For me, the good news for me is he tries hard to do things before I do...and if something is starting to annoy me, I get it done myself. It's worked for me and him. More recently, after 6 months of something not being done, which only he could do, I reminded him and asked that it be done by the weekend, or let me know plan B. It got done before the weekend.

Find the way for it to work with you

Exactly. My husband infuriates me daily with his inability to load the dishwasher efficiently, his socks on the floor, the fact that he never gets up early but I have my own annoying habits. I just try to rise above it and I'm grateful he is good with money, relatively relaxed and a good parent.

The not cleaning up after himself is a dealbreaker for me. Unless I am also a complete slob and no one else ever comes to our house, he knows this means I have to clean up after him continuously. The grossness factor fades a lot after you've been used to caring for a child or pet or another genuinely helpless person, but the question remains: why does my "partner" think that my time is less important than his? If he gets distracted and occasionally forgets that's one thing, but actually saying that he refuses to clean up after himself, no. Other chores may be more subjective - if you end up vacuuming more because he has a much higher tolerance and doesn't notice that the floors are messy/dirty, OK. But leaving his own effluvia behind is only OK if he lives alone, or perhaps with someone else who makes a big mess and leaves it too and you both pitch in for a cleaner.

Phone at the table is tough because it's so variable - there's been no agreed rules or standards and he has developed this habit. Perhaps suggest having SOME dinners where you each put devices away and turn off the TV and relax and enjoy the food and company and interact with each other - maybe on weekends, or on Sundays, to start?

You need to check your own perfection rating. And then give and take accordingly.

I would have to divorce over this. Damp clothes smell is rank beyond words.

like PP have said it’s a pick your battle scenario. I’ve accepted that the beautiful arrangement on our dining table will always be spoiled by DPs wallet and watch being abandoned next to it. Our cats will always take advantage of the second breakfast he gives them despite me saying they’ve been fed and the shower will always be set to ‘burn your ass’ hot.

It’s the trade off for living with someone that makes me laugh, I can have a proper conversation with and who makes amazing soup

This is a great idea. Out of curiosity, what are some of the things you dropped? And did it bother you to have to drop them?

I just look at how annoying we all are, and how the great things outweigh small annoyances.

This.

We only ever have one argument. I am super organised and always early. He is laid back and generally late.

20 years together.

I try and turn it around and think of all the annoying things I do which he doesn’t complain about. Sometimes it’s very hard though! (24 yrs married!)