How do you overlook daily annoyances in a happy marriage?

[SheThinksShesAllThat]

How do people stay married to someone for so long…… it’s bloody tough!

My husband of 6yrs is a lovely man but I can’t help get so annoyed at the smallest of things.

I need some advice of how to look past the really annoying things that bug me on a daily basis….. I would never leave my husband because he can’t clean up after himself 😂.

Everyone is annoying, if you spent all your time with anyone they would annoy you, I know I have annoying habits, so does my husband, but then I tell him he's annoying me and he either stops or ignores me. I do annoying things too and he does the same. I guess you see past the annoying habits, that or you learn to live with them.

My husband will make the bed and somehow always manages to put the buttons that should go at the bottom on my side. It's usually when he's gone up to bed first and is already asleep coiled in the duvet that I realise, so depending on what mood I am in I either sleep with the buttons and don't disturb him, or a turn into a raging loon and snatch the covers from my sleeping husband to spin the duvet the right way. It's a minor thing but the buttons when you are trying to coil yourself up in the duvet would annoy anyone 🤣. My husband also takes his socks off all over the house and never places them in the 4 laundry baskets stationed around the house, it makes me rage so much. He has socks for different things too, so if he goes running it's another pair so there can be 2 or even 3 pairs a day he just takes off anywhere for me to collect like a raging loon! I've been with him over 21 years and married for 10, I don't think he will ever stop the socks or duvet thing, I have to accept them as his flaws 🤣. I guess my flaws are that I turn into a raging psycho over the socks and duvet...

I feel like I’m already perimenopausal! I’m 38! I know it’s early but I’m so up and down at the moment. But yeah I see your point but he works hard hours to make sure we have a comfortable life so I see it as I just do it..but I do wonder what he did before meeting me!

I think the dinner thing is something to prioritise. If he eats quickly anyway he should be able to eat without a phone.

Couples all over the world are grappling with differences of opinion on when it is and isn’t reasonable to look at a phone.

Me and my husband agree that we don’t look at our phones while watching a film or one of our favourite dramas. But we wouldn’t get annoyed at each other for looking at our phones while we’re watching The One Show or the Weakest Link or something. It is something you probably need to keep working on.

He works long hours, so it’s ok for him to leave spit in the sink. Stop making excuses for this poor excuse for a human being.

The way my husband pegs clothes out really sets me off too, he doesn't pull the sleeves out or shake each item before hanging it, however it comes out the machine is how he pegs it, then he just pegs things out weirdly in ways that mean they just won't dry properly. I tried to give him a lesson last week in how to do it, he appeared to listen, then next day we were back to screwed up clothes on the line that won't dry 🤣. In the grand scheme of things that I read on here, he isn't a bad bloke so I will hang onto him. He can cook really well (better than me!) And handles lots of things I'm useless at!

We communicate.
often I take deep breaths and time away from him and realise I’m over reacting because I’m tired, stressed or hormonal. Every once in a while I’ll say name one thing I do that’s annoying you that I can change and then he does the same, probably once a year or so. That’s helped, because then if I bring up his thing I can evidence how I’ve stopped doing my thing that annoyed him

bow that our kids are older and we are getting enough sleep, most annoyances aren’t as big a deal to be honest, I get so irritated by other people the things that he does don’t even come close to making me angry anymore

OP those are not minor annoyances

This man has no respect for you

Are you working?

If housework is overwhelming, hire a cleaner.

Waiting until 8 or 9 to eat is not doing your body any favours. Eat dinner when you're hungry and leave him a plate he can heat up. It's unreasonable to expect someone you supposedly love to wait hours to eat, even more do when he's on his phone.

Leaving his saliva and old toothpaste in the sink is gross. How was he raised that he thinks this is ok?

He seems to be using you as his domestic servant instead of being a functional adult in his own household and he's not treating you with respect. He'll be very unprepared if something happened to you. If you broke your leg, would he be able to pick up what you do seamlessly without complaint? If not, he's slacking and that's a basic inequity in your marriage.

Yes, I would divorce a man who wouldn't clean up after themselves or heat up a plate when coming in hours after dinner or leave their body fluids around for me to clean.

Annoying is things like shoe traps. This is he's not functioning as a member of the household, he expects everything done for him. He's not a baby.

I would say lower your standards, pick your battles and find other solutions.

I am now in twice the time you are and amazingly it no longer bothers me how DH packs the dishwasher even though it is absolutely wrong.

From your list:
Toothpaste I could ignore
I wouldn't wait until 9pm to eat as I'd be hangry with him - book in date nights that have to be at a table and phone free
Hanging up the washing - that I would go to war over

Your ignore, compromise and battle might be different but that's the general principle of how it works for me.

Well not cleaning his toothpaste is disgusting and I would never let it go, his job isn't that important that he can't wipe up.

When the kids were younger Dh worked shifts and on calls so lots of stuff fell on me which was fine, because he wasn't disrespectful and didn't take advantage,

Well when he shaves and leaves beard trimmings all over the sink I want to slaughter him.

But my dad had a very late diagnosis of cancer, I went home from a hospital visit and fell to pieces, crying snotty tears over my husband explaining that my dad only had days to live.

The next morning I thought my husband went to work. He actually went to visit my dad, to thank him for all he had done for us and to reassure him he would always look after me and to help my mum.

A nurse on the ward told me this on the morning my dad died. My husband had never mentioned it.

In the really dark moments my husband always shows up for me.

I think communication is key and mutual kindness.

My dad left his beard trimmings in the sink. I was not surprised when DH did the same or that I had as much success as my mum in getting him to clean up i.e. none.

On the other hand I suspect DH would like me to stop leaving my socks on the sofa so it cuts both ways.

So he works long hours in a high pressured job and your whole family get benefits from that. He also gets prestige and a boost to his self-confidence. Your contribution is less valued by both of you so you're left feeling resentful. The key to a long happy marriage is actually liking each other.

I think of my DH the same way I think about any other flatmate. All flatmates are entitled to three annoying habits. So when DH does something that winds me up I tell myself it's one of the three.

But there are things I wouldn't tolerate them from a flatmate so I don't tolerate them from DH. Your DH should care about you more than a random flatmate and treat you better not worse. Eating with his phone in his hand when we are sitting down together - I either wouldn't cook for a flatmate who did that, or if I was on cooking rota I would eat my food separately at a time that suits me and leave his plate in the oven so he can eat alone.

DH and I have some agreements that make living together comfortable. I don't leave my festering teacups lying around and he does not leave his beard trimmings in the sink. But as for leaving you to clean out his spit in the sink - would you do that for any flatmate? Unless he's incapacitated it's not your job to wipe your DH's arse and if he can wipe his own arse then he can rinse his own toothpaste down the sink.

Ah @SheThinksShesAllThat

Likes his boxers and hankies neatly pressed.
Likes his socks paired and folded
Rings the bell when he gets home so I ha e to get off my bum and answer the door
Delights in telling me.clutter corner needs ro be dealt with - not my clutter
Points out beds that need weeding
Tells me to chanhe lanes when traffic is whizzing past at 130km
Asks why my bedside table is untidy
Puts on a half loaded dishwasher
Totally and completely not practical
Fusses

However, after 37.5 years he's loyal, kind, moral, loving and, dare I say, has made a bloody fortune.

Only 6 years? I thought you were going to say 15 :/ It's early to be that annoyed, especially if it's multiple things.

It sounds like you didn't know what he was like to live with before marrying, or you overlooked things you shouldn't have, or maybe he's changed?

Even though my ex was a poor partner in some ways, he never annoyed me like that, but then I think I'm more laid back and not as tidy as you!

I love this thank you.

I absolutely adore my DH but there are things here and there that give me the rage.

I have an unspoken rule that I will not speak to him about it until I’m no longer annoyed and capable of having a calm conversation. Most of the time, by the time I’ve calmed down, I realise I’m overreacting and don’t mention it at all. It’s pretty much always hormonal.

Also, I just know that my DH is the love of my life, and if having him means I have to put up with cupboards constantly being left open, or dirty washing on the floor, it’s worth it.

My DH annoys me regularly. The same as I annoy him really! We are both fairly tolerant of each other's annoyances, however!
He tries not to annoy me, I try not to annoy him. Doesn't always work out. When he annoys me, he has a way of dampening the flames. He is like water to my fire. I don't know how. But he just doesn't rise to me. And when I annoy him, he just keeps it in and rolls his eyes 🤣.
I like to remind myself that of all the men in the world, he is the one who excites me enough to want to spend all the rest of my days with him. When I think of getting older; it's with him. And that makes me smile and feel all gooey inside.
Every life event I imagine, it is by each other's side. When the kids are grown and left, I can't wait to be with him - just the two of us.
So that is how I know I can tolerate the things that annoy me. 🤷‍♀️

I think he needs to rinse the sink.

You aren't describing minor annoyances. Dh has an annoying habit of putting cups/dishes next to the dishwasher and not in it. I find it annoying. But, hr doesn't do it because he thinks its my job. Its because he sees loading the dishwasher as a separate task. So, if i dont load them, hr does it
.. but all in one go. Drives me mad because I cant bear to have cups on the counter but I also appreciate its a different way and hes not teying to get out of loading the dishwasher.

In addition, when he irritates me, I remind myself of his many good points and the many ways he dods step up. Including that he unloads the dishwasher at least twice as often as I do, usually when he gets up so thay when I come downstairs it is done.

That doesn't sound similar to your situation.

JFC the bar for men truly is in Hell.

After 30 odd years he can be as annoying as he wants! I cba to rise to it!

“Can’t clean up after himself”???