How do you overlook daily annoyances in a happy marriage?

[SheThinksShesAllThat]

How do people stay married to someone for so long…… it’s bloody tough!

My husband of 6yrs is a lovely man but I can’t help get so annoyed at the smallest of things.

I need some advice of how to look past the really annoying things that bug me on a daily basis….. I would never leave my husband because he can’t clean up after himself 😂.

Manchild. i know teenagers that don't act like this. The bare minimum is they can clean their teeth and leave the bathroom clean

Phone at the table means someone has checked out. They are either addicted to their phone or uninterested in the people around them. It’s disrespectful and ‘the end’ if they are not prepared to engage in some sort of dialogue at mealtime.

What kind of things does he do which annoys you? That might help us see whether this is usual or we agree that we would be annoyed too.

31 years together here ….. I watched a series called True Blood (noughties vampire thing … very good if you like that kind of thing with gratuitous sex lol) and one character summed it up for me - he had a relationship (one of many) with a vampire for many years and described their relationship as ‘fight like siblings and fuck like champions’ … it did make me laugh as after 31 years you have spent more time living together than siblings so it’s easy to squabble … you just kinda grump and get over it 😠🤣

Because you are. I would not tolerate that - he needs to rinse the sink every time. And I won’t have phones at the dinner table.

I worked from 8am to 10pm yesterday. I managed to clean my toothpaste up, I was not working when I brushed my teeth.

See my mum didn't didn't work - she was a stay at home mum who actually never went back to work when we were old enough.

She used to leave spat out toothpaste in the sink every time. You'd get up in the morning and have to wash it away before you did your own teeth. It's a habit she never stopped. Don't know what it was but some people are blind to it, and I used to get an earful if I dared say anything when I was still living at home with her.

Clear and direct communication tends to fix most things.

I have a tendency to ask random questions that often lead into a debate, and while my late OH loved the conversations we'd have because of it, he'd sometimes say "ok I need to write this article for a 5pm deadline, I'll take a break for lunch at 1pm, please don't ask any questions until then so I can concentrate".

He would often mumble or speak with his hand covering his mouth, and as a deaf lip-reader I'd ask him to knock it off and repeat himself.

We both sometimes needed alone time during lockdown (we were both shielding and on the advice of his doctor we carried on until he died in 2024), and would ask the other person to shift their sleeping patterns a little so we could have a few hours alone while the other slept.

Getting comfortable with being able to say "I need XYZ right now, can you please do ABC" to each other without it causing hurt feelings helped us stay locked in a tiny flat together for 4 years quite happily, and would probably be healthy in any relationship.

Don't leave things to fester and let resentment build up as it's really hard to fix that further down the line.

Hand him a scrubby, tell him to go upstairs and clean his spit out the sink, you’re not his maid. Do this every single time. If you doing this causes more issues than it solves, then you have a clearer idea that he DOES actually think that you’re his maid, and you can deal with that revelation accordingly. At the table say, phones down, I’ve waited all day to eat with you, be present for five damn minutes. Stop being passive. This state of affairs is comfortable for him and unbearable for you. You need to reverse the polarity on that if you want any change.

Families that stay together are not the ones who never argue.

He’s literally spitting in the sink and expecting you to clean it up. That is taking the piss.

This goes beyond an issue of division of labour in a household to an insulting level of disrespect.

I’d be holding divorce level talks about this.

These aren't little daily annoyances.
Was he like this when you was dating him?

I would no longer find my husband attractive if I had to clean up after him like he was my child 🤢 my 8 year old even washes the sink after they do their teeth.

Over 30 years married here. I agree it is a combination of compromising and picking your battles. I am also a very strong believer in making a problem a problem for the one causing it so they are incentivised to fix it. Even if it is more effort for me in the short term. In your examples:
(After asking him and being ignored) I’d not clean the sink if he didn’t wash it away. I’d brush my teeth in the kitchen if necessary. I’d tell him the bathroom was too dirty to use due to him not washing away his spittle if he questions it. Let it build up till he cleans it. Pig.
I’d eat at a reasonable time with my daughter. He can reheat the leftovers when he gets in.
Id either call him back and stand over him whilst he refolds the washing in an appropriate manner, every time. Or probably more likely I’d propose he washes his own stuff and I do mine and daughters. When his stuff smelled, I’d make sure
to point it out to him when he wore it and suggest he change (which he is free to ignore)

He is exploiting you. If you are also working then you should not be doing all the cleaning. Make him pay for a cleaner once a week! Or leave him because the resentment will kill your relationship anyway.

This is strategic incompetence.

If he's in a high pressure job then he can figure out how to do laundry and tidy up.

You need to read him the riot act because this is utter bullshit. You should not be doing all the cleaning.

I'm in a very responsible job and work long hours, I can still do chores and pull my weight at home. There is nothing about having a penis or a Big Job that prevents this.

If there's annoyance it can't be a happy marriage.

Surely if they need rehashing you stand over him and make him take them off the clothes horse put them in the washing machine and stand over him as he rehangs

every time he fails go through the process - he’ll learn

taking them and rewashing yourself means he gets away

Hard disagree.

The small things I think are normal, leaving boxers on floor, cup on the bedside… that’s all fine and I know I do things like that but I’ve mentioned in previous comments that he doesn’t clean up after himself, toothpaste in the sink, phone at the dinner table….

You overlook them because, deep down, you know they're not important.
And, also, you know that your spouse is overlooking all the things you do that annoy them!
None of us are perfect, after all.....

To be fair, I would complain about phones at the dinner table - that's not a minor annoyance, it's just rude. Some (a few) things do need to be negotiated.

I don’t think you’re talking about small irritations or that you should stop feeling annoyed about them. He’s incredibly disrespectful, selfish and lazy and as a couple you’re not in a good dynamic for your child to witness. Over time your resentment will grow and it’ll tarnish what’s good between you. When he doesn’t do things he should do - very basic adult stuff - he’s saying loud and clear that he’s too important to do them and as you’re less important you should.

I don't care what sort of job he does!
Things like rinsing the sink after use and putting laundry in the wash bin are BASIC things he should be doing.
You are not his slave!!

The way I look at it is....if he lived on his own he would still work long hours but also have to tidy up after himself. Every adult (regardless of being married, single, or a young adult still living at home) should be doing that as a bare minimum. Marriage shouldn't mean checking out of your responsibilities. It is just lazy and yes, shows lack of respect.

But why would you have to wash it away? You don't actually need a clean sink to spit into.
I do agree it is disgusting.