DH always being late

[Mamma193838]

I just need to vent as I’m so annoyed at DH. He’s always been careless with time from day 1 when I met him, always late to things, underestimating how long it takes to get himself together, or not caring thinking it’s ok to have one last drink of water or do the dishes, even though he’s already late. When we go somewhere together I am the one pushing us along to get out in time, getting the kids and all their stuff ready, I just leave him to sort himself out.

Today he is taking DS to a special unique event that is only 1h long, that is organised for kids like him and he wouldn’t be able to attend otherwise. It’s a 1h drive each way. DH usually commutes an hour to work as well, and we also have other stuff going on today before the event so i knew it would be a lot of tiring driving for him and I asked repeatedly if he wanted to go, that it was ok if he didn’t, but DH assured me he wanted to take DS, so we told DS about it who was wildly excited about it. (I can’t go as have to stay with the baby at home.)

The time came to go. It’s literally pick up a bag and leave, but DH was faffing about so much at home, to the point where they were definitely going to be late. Poor DS was ready to go and just waiting for DH. They’ve just arrived 30 mins late. It’s such a waste of a journey, and such a shame that DS will only 30 mins of it - the time will fly by and it will be over. I’m SO annoyed for DS.

DH has lots of great qualities, does a lot for DC and me that I appreciate. But this is a very sore point for me.

He’s better at a lot of things than me so I do appreciate his qualities!

ADHD presents differently in different people. I have it and I am usually too early. I hate lateness , it’s as if their time is more important than mine. Rude.

DS was oblivious to how late they were and he had a brilliant time though it probably did feel short. (One of those things where 30 mins feels like 10 mins.) I don’t really want to ruin that for him.

I believe him. He’s not one to lie.

@Mamma193838 from your own post, your husband is lying by saying this

He said he thought it started 30 mins later than it did

this is simply not true is it. you'd both discussed this event countless times as you mentioned

This would drive me absolutely mad. It is awful for your son to miss out for no good reason. It is also so disrespectful to the people running the event to have to stop half way through and add a late-comer.

Thank you all for giving me space to vent and taking them to respond. I appreciate the measured replies. Even the outraged ones are helpful to give me some perspective - DH can be annoying in this but there’s so much else going on in the background that I don’t think time blindness from one parent is going to ruin our kids lives. We’ll be ok.

Whoops, you’ve caught me out, well done.

he's still a twat. So YOU need to make sure he accepts he's a twat and stops the behaviour

Ok great. There's some hope then. In your shoes, I'd be monitoring or taking over time-related activities, BUT, on the condition that it's a trade and he does more of something else, of your choosing!

Next time I would hand him the car keys, put DS in the car and tell him "Get in the bloody car NOW!".

I’m not even mildly outraged. I’m a bit sad for you, but it’s ultimately none of my business. Best of luck.

Thanks but honestly there’s no need to be sad over this.

I feel for you, op, and I get it. I have had all the direct conversations that can be had. My DH can get it in theory but not in practice.
I tell him the Uber is coming 10 mins before it's coming. He hasn't caught on to this yet because leaving together in an Uber is rare for us. Definitely relentlessly optimistic about time and things that just take a minute or two can always be added. Of course if there are 10 of them...
Our stage is that he sort of gets that he needs 'what if' time, and it won't always take the 40 mins (best case) necessarily .
But I can't seem to get him not to use up all the 'what if' time before he leaves the house.

Also for a pp comment: taking him by the hand and leading him to the car would backfire. He'd givethat very short shrift, pull away and insist on his light bulb, sunglasses, dishes, water, etc etc. wouldn't accomplish a single thing

Spot on, my daughter has just been diagnosed with ADHD (30) her timekeeping has caused so many arguments. She takes after her dad, she’s also dyslexic same as him. My husband hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD, at 63 he ain’t bothered, he is late for absolutely everything. Thank god I’m the opposite or we’d be in a right old pickle.

Whilst getting ready to meet up with his friends I ask him if he needs some cash for the night, he says we’ll pick some up on the way. Whilst he’s faffing getting ready I’ll pop out to a cash machine as there wont be time. I’ve told his friends to give him a meeting time but to expect him to arrive at least 15 minutes late. I’ve been with him for 43 years and it hasn’t and won’t change and I’ve had to accept that, 🤷‍♀️

Breastfeeding your baby does not prohibit you from not disappointing your older son. You need to behave like the grownup and leave him behind when he is not on time. You have a low bar for this relationship.

He’s just a selfish knob.

But that is what everyone does everyday ! It’s obvious

I think he is a like my son always focussed on himself. Keep telling him when he does it himself life experience will teach him things.

Seems like his brain needs a shock treatment

But you KNEW what he was like but continued to date him. Then you married him. Then you decided/chose to have not one but two children with him. Of course you need to take some responsibility for this. You knew.

He’s always been careless with time from day 1 when I met him,

I agree. I have two friends who also have ADHD. They are constantly late. Recently both called to tell me they were running a full hour late to a dinner I had booked for us and had my credit card against. I don’t think ADHD is an excuse for that kind of behaviour.

It's an explanation but never an excuse. Of course you will feel upset or annoyed about friends being constantly late especially if you end up paying for them.

In the grand scheme of things, if they have lots of other positive qualities, I'd let it slide. But I'd never rely on them for important things where I need to know things will happen on time. They are unreliable.

I guess it's a choice for OP whether she prefers to try and continue to change DP, do lifts herself or drop the class altogether?

So what do you suggest, that she carries on “gently parents” a grown man…. Because that hasn’t worked! His disrespectful behaviour is what’’s winding the OP up, hence her post! The man needs a rocket up his arse!