DH always being late

[Mamma193838]

I just need to vent as I’m so annoyed at DH. He’s always been careless with time from day 1 when I met him, always late to things, underestimating how long it takes to get himself together, or not caring thinking it’s ok to have one last drink of water or do the dishes, even though he’s already late. When we go somewhere together I am the one pushing us along to get out in time, getting the kids and all their stuff ready, I just leave him to sort himself out.

Today he is taking DS to a special unique event that is only 1h long, that is organised for kids like him and he wouldn’t be able to attend otherwise. It’s a 1h drive each way. DH usually commutes an hour to work as well, and we also have other stuff going on today before the event so i knew it would be a lot of tiring driving for him and I asked repeatedly if he wanted to go, that it was ok if he didn’t, but DH assured me he wanted to take DS, so we told DS about it who was wildly excited about it. (I can’t go as have to stay with the baby at home.)

The time came to go. It’s literally pick up a bag and leave, but DH was faffing about so much at home, to the point where they were definitely going to be late. Poor DS was ready to go and just waiting for DH. They’ve just arrived 30 mins late. It’s such a waste of a journey, and such a shame that DS will only 30 mins of it - the time will fly by and it will be over. I’m SO annoyed for DS.

DH has lots of great qualities, does a lot for DC and me that I appreciate. But this is a very sore point for me.

You should have got them in the car on time. You stood there watching as he got later and later. Why didn’t you intervene so your son didn’t miss out?

I would have got into my husband’s eye line, held onto him and told him he had to leave now and then walked him to the door. And got my son and put him in the car.

‘Feeling bad about it isn’t going to achieve anything, though. What steps are you going to take to make sure this stops happening? This is a recurring problem and I’m tired of it. It’s now affecting the kids and that’s not really acceptable. You need to do something.’

I didn’t do nothing. I was packing up their stuff, trying to get them going, trying to help find the thing DH was looking for, reminded DH about the time repeatedly and told him it was time to go. But I wasn’t going to shout at DH in front of DS before they were going to get on the motorway for an hour. Plus DS gets panicky and anxious about being late and missing stuff and I didn’t want DS to get upset.

Don’t put this on me. DH was looking for
essential equipment for the activity, I was trying to help him without escalating and panicking DS.

😂

My DP can be like this and I have realised it's because he is relentlessly optimistic.

So for example if a journey "should" take 40 minutes but sometimes takes an hour, I would leave with 1hour 10 to spare just in case, he would leave with 40 minutes because he genuinely believes he will be lucky and it will only take 40 mins.

It's a pain when we need to be somewhere and when he's planning something, I have taken to reminding him he needs 'what if' time, which I shouldn't need to do, but mostly his optimism is good and balances my over cautiousness

Yes exactly this. Relentlessly optimistic is such a good way of putting it, if putting a very positive spin on things. 😂

Are you seeing the connection there? You have a young child who is already getting panicky and anxious about being late… because that’s been his life. Because of his dad and you. Think about that.

Your kid has developed anxiety around lateness because of your joint parenting.

My kid’s stuff would have been packed that morning, well in advance. By me if I couldn’t trust my husband. There would have been no last minute running around.

Your husband is useless here. Your kids need someone to step up and make sure it doesn’t happen again. For your kid to have developed anxiety over this… and you both still let it happen. That’s really bad.

Why are you doing a laughing emoji at this pp’s perfectly reasonable example of what to say to him? This is actually what you need to say. Do you think you can live like this forever? Do you think you and your kids won’t be further affected down the line?

Exactly. I mentioned earlier I build in 10-15 mins as a coping strategy. I hate being late, it bothers me. I grew up with undiagnosed parents who were chronically late for everything, and it is crushing as a child. You cannot physically get yourself there, and you are relying on adults to be adults and get you where you need to be… and me now being 20 mins early for everything and panicking if I’m not is a result of them, plus useless ex H.

It’s interesting that the idea of having a direct conversation with your husband and expecting him to find solutions is laughable.

So because hes apologised its ok, its just who DH is? Christ, id have just solidly said stated, you are going to be late because your faffing about. When he apologised you should have been short with him and said well an apology doesnt quite cut it though does it, DS has lost out because of you.....again!!!

When are you going to change how you react to him?. He clearly does not care he was late yet again and there are no consequences from you for his ongoing lateness.

What does any of that achieve?

A conversation about why it happens, the impact and how you make sure it doesn't happen again is appropriate, but what does trying to make him feel bad really achieve? You might think he deserves it but what does it change?

He either knows what and how he should do and doesn't care, in which case you're not going to make him feel bad, or he needs some support to fix it. You can say much as you like he shouldn't need that, but I'm sure he helps OP in other ways and carrying on as he is impacts her.

He is a grown man, he does not need coaxing and telling... He is extremely rude and disrespectful of everyone's efforts and time and that's exactly what I would be telling him!

This is just going to get worse. I’m assuming your DS is still quite young, and your baby is less than six months old. What are you going to do when you have football training or dance class or scouts, in a few years time? What if you want to do a lift-share with another family and you can’t trust your DH to show up on time?

These things really really matter to kids as they become aware of always being late, always being last collected. It’s so unfair on you and them.

Honestly, nip this in the bud and say you can’t put up with this; it puts a completely unfair burden on you, and if his kids can’t trust him to do what he says he’s going to do, they will lose out on so much.

My kid’s anxiety of being late is entirely from me - there were a few times I got upset because I was worried we were going to miss a bus or train and he unfortunately picked up on that. I know better now to try to stay calm which was what I was trying to do yesterday. No need to make things up.

That's just making the OP even more responsible for his fuck-ups. Why should she have to be nannying a grown man?

Kid’s stuff was prepacked. It was DH
looking for his essential equipment. Trying to put the blame on me again.

I’ve never seen someone twist themselves io so much to avoid parenting.

Your kid is anxious because his dad is useless and you then get upset and worried. Again, it boils down to his dad. And your refusal to step in and protect the kids so it doesn’t happen. It’s laziness, pure and simple. And the kids will suffer.

Good luck, I guess. Neither of you are going to sort it out so hope the kids manage alright and it doesn’t affect their friendships and clubs and anything else they want to do.

Ok, but how does that change anything? It's just a conversation you'll have on repeat, that winds everyone up and upsets DC.

It’s just funny that some people think it’s down to me to fix everything including DH. After so long I really don’t think you can change some things about it a person.

I shared a truth about myself that continues to make me feel very guilty and you’re just making things up again. Feel free to not to post again.

You married him and had kids with him. It is down to you to make sure your kids aren’t negatively affected him by.

You are meant to be a team. I’m sure there are things you cannot do or struggle with and he takes over. Because that’s parenting as a team. What do you not understand about that?

He cannot get your kids out the door on time, and that absolutely will have consequences which affect them, upset them, end up with them left out of things. So, as a team, you make sure that doesn’t happen.

My kid would never have been half an hour late to a one hour activity because I’d have sorted it, in anticipation of my husband getting it wrong.

If you know what he’s like and he’s not being deliberately useless then I’d have got him to get the stuff for him packed the night before and all left by the door. I’d have set the alarm for an hour earlier. The fact that you have accepted his apologetic behaviour but was quite happy to have a moan on MN about it almost suggests you set him up to fail. You knew what was going to happen - you claim he doesn’t do it deliberately - so yeah maybe you do have to take on more responsibility than you would otherwise