DH always being late

[Mamma193838]

I just need to vent as I’m so annoyed at DH. He’s always been careless with time from day 1 when I met him, always late to things, underestimating how long it takes to get himself together, or not caring thinking it’s ok to have one last drink of water or do the dishes, even though he’s already late. When we go somewhere together I am the one pushing us along to get out in time, getting the kids and all their stuff ready, I just leave him to sort himself out.

Today he is taking DS to a special unique event that is only 1h long, that is organised for kids like him and he wouldn’t be able to attend otherwise. It’s a 1h drive each way. DH usually commutes an hour to work as well, and we also have other stuff going on today before the event so i knew it would be a lot of tiring driving for him and I asked repeatedly if he wanted to go, that it was ok if he didn’t, but DH assured me he wanted to take DS, so we told DS about it who was wildly excited about it. (I can’t go as have to stay with the baby at home.)

The time came to go. It’s literally pick up a bag and leave, but DH was faffing about so much at home, to the point where they were definitely going to be late. Poor DS was ready to go and just waiting for DH. They’ve just arrived 30 mins late. It’s such a waste of a journey, and such a shame that DS will only 30 mins of it - the time will fly by and it will be over. I’m SO annoyed for DS.

DH has lots of great qualities, does a lot for DC and me that I appreciate. But this is a very sore point for me.

Feel free to parent your kids in a way that doesn’t create anxieties and leave them as always the last to show up. You’re not listening to anyone telling you that that’s actually a big problem.

Yes, exactly my DP needs some help to get out of the door on time. I find social situations difficult, so he supports me through that. Repeat over and over about very many situations and tasks.

These types only ever realised they are late once the start time has passed.

I bet he arrives on work on time though

Mine does this. So selfish.

You did your best under difficult circumstances. It was DH's fault completely. He needs to get his act in order every time and it is not your responsibility.

Not that young actually.

I guess I can’t take the “you have to fix this now or else DS will miss out” very seriously because I omitted the background and I don’t feel like sharing it. But he’s not missing out on any of that.

You are meant to be a team. I’m sure there are things you cannot do or struggle with and he takes over. Because that’s parenting as a team.

Well yes we are a team, we do complement each other. I obvs have my faults as well and I appreciate he doesn’t harangue me about them and he supports me with them.

On this occasion as we had talked about the event multiple times and the equipment he needed and I hadn’t anticipated that he would get the time wrong and that he had misplaced said equipment. Honestly I don’t think I can micro manage everything. And I don’t think it’s fair you’re putting the blame on me for this. LOL

You are meant to be a team. I’m sure there are things you cannot do or struggle with and he takes over. Because that’s parenting as a team.

Well yes we are a team, we do complement each other. I obvs have my faults as well and I appreciate he doesn’t harangue me about them and he supports me with them.

On this occasion as we had talked about the event multiple times and the equipment he needed and I hadn’t anticipated that he would get the time wrong and that he had misplaced said equipment. Honestly I don’t think I can micro manage everything. And I don’t think it’s fair you’re putting the blame on me for this.

I appreciate the most supportive comments by the way. Annoyed with myself for getting caught up by the more unkind posts blaming the woman for not micro-managing everything.

I see these things as being part of a partnership - everyone has different skills and strengths. At this point I would frame it to myself as this is just how he is, and I am going to help manage his timekeeping when it’s important for me or the kids.

So if he’s going to his own event on his own leave him to it.

On a scenario like you experienced today - I’d approach it calmly with no shaming or criticism but just a practical ‘past experience tells me you need help with this’ and literally write out the timings working backwards on a piece of paper - get DH and DS to pack the night before - and then the next morning keep him on schedule with the timings you’ve worked out.

At the least - he’ll get out of the door on time.

Best case scenario is you are teaching at least DS an important executive function skill, which may help DH change too.

If he pushes back on your timings - use the PP’s comment about being overly optimistic about how long things take and needing to build in ‘what if’ time.

DH is the same.

A lot of the time I mentally arrange things that I will be needed to be the taxi if he’s not back when he said he would be so I’m a) available and b) less annoyed when I end up having to do it.

In situations where it HAS to be him and it’s really important I just work it backwards with him; coaching him into it: what time does it start, what time would be good to arrive? How long is journey? Let’s add 10 mins for traffic. Don’t forget 10 mins to get DC stuff sorted, so what time are we ‘boots on’ at home??? Then that seems to help him realise that if match is 30 minute drive, the actual ‘boots on’ time is up to an hour before and then that’s the only time we talk about. So he’s got that in his head . It does seem to help and I do believe that in DH case it’s that he genuinely can’t work time out. And yes he’s often late for work and meeting his friends etc

I just can’t take this seriously but I appreciate you cant see why because I don’t want to add any background.

You asked what you ought to say and I gave you an example. Said example explicitly places the onus on HIM to fix it.

Your approach appears to be to do and say nothing. That is genuinely baffling to me.

Not everything. Just the one thing you know that your husband cannot manage, and seriously impacts your children and their environment of planned events.

@Mamma193838 I hope you don’t see my comment above at criticizing you for not micro managing - I just think based on what you’ve said it will be less stressful to not leave him to it without physically writing down and discussing with him when he should be leaving.

He both misread the start time, and badly miscalculated how long he had to get ready and get there.

Some people just can’t keep this info on their heads - it’s a bit like when you are trying to get a roast dinner to all finish at the same time - my Mum could keep all the timings going in her head - I have to write everything down on a piece of paper, working backwards and then sometimes even adding those timings as alarms in my phone.

I think a technique like that could help your DH.

This is good advice and we do it to some extent - I often ask DH what time should we leave, to get him to think about the timing. We didn’t on this occasion but I should just build it into my own routines.

I do think the guilt of leaving it too late on this occasion will help DH build in more leeway into journeys next time.

We did have a quick chat - see previous posts. What is the point of haranguing him about it. I could see he felt very guilty - and he was the one doing all the driving so he felt more than anyone the impact of being so late. I like one of the posters suggestions that we talk through timings every time, which I’ll resolve to do and he’s always happy to do too.

I struggle a lot with time, and my family manage me sometimes by telling me (or themselves) a time 10-15 min in advance, and I do with them. We all try to manage each other and share what works and what doesn't. I also try to just set off when it's in my head and not wait, and sit at the other end if early (which is surprisingly rare).

I can't believe people think this is something to split up over though. Loving committed parents, one of whom is a bit time-blind, I'm sure your son still enjoyed the event, and if you don't go on about being late, won't be thinking about that.

My children are older now, and mostly on time themselves; the sky hasn't fallen in, and we are close and supportive. No need to be over-critical about everything, criticism and expectations are far more destructive to self-esteem than a basically nice dad who is a bit scatty.

I agree with the post, though, that says 'don't hint', just be blunt- say 'sometimes you are late for stuff, so you need to set off at X, given the distance of Y' and push them out of the door if you are around. If not, it's up to him. Better to be direct about everyone's weaknesses but not to position them as moral failings.

I’ve read all your posts. None of them describe a proper conversation about this. I didn’t say you should harangue him. I said you should directly communicate with him and ask him to find solutions. You found this amusing.

And now, despite complaining about posters thinking it was your job to fix this, you’re resolving to do more of the legwork every single time. Come on, now.

Thanks, that’s a really measured and helpful reply.

He said he thought it started 30 mins later than it did

well this isn't true is it? He knew full well what time the event was starting

My sympathy. Being on time is an essential life skill, in my view, like being sensible with money and being able to save.

How is he with those? And was he ever regularly late to your dates when you first met?

I think the only way for you to prevent some increased resentment from building is if he agrees to take on more childcare responsibilities that aren't so timekeeping related.

He's a twat. Have you let DS have a go at telling him that he's a disappointment and a useless dad?

Well I haven’t described all the conversations before this. The outrage is amusing because it’s not like I haven’t tried to address this before. He’s not going to adopt new strategies, he’ll just think he’ll do better next time.

I agree with other posters that he probably does need a bit of prompting ahead of time from me (without me having to micro-manage everything). And this is fine as I lean on him in other ways too.

Very astute. Mine is late for everything, even our child comments on Daddy keeping us waiting all the time. He’s never late for work (more than a minute or two) though is he? I think it’s a choice to be honest.