Was my husband out of line to shout at my family?

[Tina6458]

My nieces stayed over as I took them to see the Weeknd on Sunday at Wembley.They are in their early 20s and are in summer holidays. We got back late and they went to sleep around 2 am - they stayed in the same room so I guess they were chatting late. My two boys 5&6 woke up early- 6.30am and were watching tv and then building lots of mess around the house . They were excited to wake their cousins up with they did at 10.30 ish - and sort of all hung out in the bed having cuddles with the older girl cousins . The girls are on their own time but I had to hurry them out of the house because I thought wed go for lunch. The house was a bit of a Bomb sight bc the boys had made a mess and one of them had had 3 breakfasts . I was also aware my cleaner was coming at 3ish. We went out for the day. My cleaner texted to say she couldn’t come today. Fast forward 5.30pm we get home and as soon as DH sees my nieces he shouts at them that they had left a mess in the house , that they’re clothes were all over the place ( jackets on a chair in the kitchen ). ‘ do you go to someone else’s house and leave a mess ?! All in s very aggressive elevated tone.
He feels he was in the right to do this because he’s teaching them manners.

I wouldn’t accept someone, anyone yelling at my nieces

We’ve been trying to talk about what happens next as in when he’ll be moving out. He’s now said that ‘ what I did was unforgivable’ if the marriage was to continue ‘he’ll never go to any of my family events ever and never step foot in my mums house ever again ‘ and this is because ‘ I disrespected him in front of my nieces’ apparently I should have played it down and said ‘ oh he’s just angry , don’t mind him ?’

He’s having a hard time and is throwing out anything he can think of to get you to JUST SHUT UP. He has no interest in your internal world, thoughts etc unless he’s using it to control you, such as not visiting your family. It’s important that you get this; He has no concern about his family’s well-being BUT he knows you do so will use that to control you. Not pretty is it.

He says you disrespected him? Because you dared disagree with him....And he still seems to think that you would want to continue the relationship and let him try and punish you (as he sees it) in this way...Im so glad you are getting out.

No, he disrespected you by shouting at your adult family members. He sounds like a massive arsehole.

I’m 40, no mortgage and just (sadly) at the end of my summer holidays. I work in education so I always have a summer holiday!

I don't think I would communicate further with him about the divorce as you can expect him to get nasty

Imagine life without him, you would have had a lovely lunch, got home, tidied up, laughed at the dens and bowls, the girls would have packed their clothes and helped saying it was a shame the cleaner couldn’t come. Everything would have been put straight, you’d have all had a super time helping each other and being family. The boys would have enjoyed their cousins and the girls would look forward to their next trip. This is a DH problem. He can’t even discuss or reflect calmly. Life would be better without his horrible behaviour.

@Tina6458 I'd be replying there was only one disrespectful person in the room and it was him. So what if there was a bit of disarray. It can be fixed quite easily without a mantrum. He was rude to guests who had been directed to leave things as they were, by you nonetheless. Two people own your house and if you want to leave a bit of a mess to be picked up later in the day, then who is he to come home and yell at your guests.

@knottybiscotti @k1233 thank you so much. I have been living in this confusion for so long and I always question what I’ve done wrong . What did I do to deserve this. What could I have done to have prevented this from happening. It’s so stifling and exhausting and the opposite of respect.

Jackets on the chair in kitchen is hardly messy all over the house. Your DH sounds really nasty to shout at your nieces because he didn't stop his own DC making a mess. Or is that your job because you are female?

He sounds like a right knob and you sound lovely. I hope things work out for you

The worst element of this thread is the bit where you phone him to apologise about the mess, trying to head off the tantrum. I can almost feel your panic.

This is not normal - it's abuse. Stop trying to talk to him and get your ducks in a row. Deep breaths. Can you financially manage when you leave? Men like this get very difficult when separation looms.

Be clear - your part in this (not what you've done to deserve it - you don't) is staying when he has shown you what he is. He wants you to doubt and question yourself. everyone on this thread is rooting for you - so will your friends and family.