Was my husband out of line to shout at my family?

[Tina6458]

My nieces stayed over as I took them to see the Weeknd on Sunday at Wembley.They are in their early 20s and are in summer holidays. We got back late and they went to sleep around 2 am - they stayed in the same room so I guess they were chatting late. My two boys 5&6 woke up early- 6.30am and were watching tv and then building lots of mess around the house . They were excited to wake their cousins up with they did at 10.30 ish - and sort of all hung out in the bed having cuddles with the older girl cousins . The girls are on their own time but I had to hurry them out of the house because I thought wed go for lunch. The house was a bit of a Bomb sight bc the boys had made a mess and one of them had had 3 breakfasts . I was also aware my cleaner was coming at 3ish. We went out for the day. My cleaner texted to say she couldn’t come today. Fast forward 5.30pm we get home and as soon as DH sees my nieces he shouts at them that they had left a mess in the house , that they’re clothes were all over the place ( jackets on a chair in the kitchen ). ‘ do you go to someone else’s house and leave a mess ?! All in s very aggressive elevated tone.
He feels he was in the right to do this because he’s teaching them manners.

Yes he was.

Sounds like this isn't anything new. I couldn't be with someone so awful. Those poor lasses. And your dcs will think this is normal.

Shouting is never right. He could have conveyed his points in a calm and reasonable tone - but as they are guests in your house I think you’d usually be quite careful about accusing them of messiness.

I assume they’re at university? Also good for you that you had a mortgage at 22 but it’s not 1980 anymore. Give it a rest.

He was really rude to shout at them.

Good for you. I’m 40, married with 2 kids and I’ve never had a mortgage!

also, summer hols from Uni, maybe?

Good for you. What's that got to do with anything?

I think that means you are on a permanent summer break. Lucky you😎

Your DH needs to live on his own so he can be content with everything being exactly where he put it, and never have visitors, it's not his job to teach your nieces manners, They won't be back while he's there! Who shouts at house guests!

It was 2017....

@

Yeah and people can't be on their summer holiday if they have a mortgage?! They might be visiting?

Who in 2026 would have a mortgage at 22? Without family help? I don't know why that poster wants a medal or something.

Im so sorry your husband talks to you like that. Now you've seen it with others you can see how horrible he's being. You also apologised for the mess... perhaps you are getting bullied too so that you felt the need to spologise? What did he do when he realised it was the boys not the girls? In your shoes I might be worried thst the boys are being taught to ignore or uou and that its OK to shout at people.

What did he do when he realised it was the boys not the girls?

Chances are he thought it was the girls' job to do the clearing up irrespective of who made the mess.

This man does not sound kind..How have you ended up with him OP ? Can't you get yourself someone better ?

Imagine your poor cleaner faced with a load of belongings she didn’t recognise.
It is not a cleaner’s job to tidy things away normally.
Your DH was a dick to shout though.

He is a bully, in need of some manners himself.

I hope your neices keep in touch with you, despite your husband, because you need to hear that he is verbally aggressive and misogynistic.

your boys enjoyed having their cousins over and it was only for a night .. he was out of line

Just read your update , you husband sounds horrible OP .. get you ducks in a row , he’s shown you who he is

He has acted really badly. What a rude arsehole. Your poor nieces.

He’s the one who needs to be taught manners. I’m not surprised to see that this is not a one-off.

What do you want to do, OP? Stay with him? Leave him?

Teaching them manners, who the fuck does he think he is and how is shouting teaching someone manners. How rude of him no wonder they don’t want to come back poor you married to that,

I’m wondering about the people who are feeling sorry for my cleaner. It wasn’t dirty it was just kids making forts . I don’t usually leave my house in a mess and go out - it was a one off. I went to sleep at 2am and the kids woke up at 6.30am. I did leave it messy because it’s my house and it was getting late and I prioritised that the kids needed to eat. Shit happens - I spoke to dh on the phone and apologised for the mess . However this is who he is . I’m walking on eggshells incase I mess up. This time it was my poor nieces who got the brunt of his aggression. He won’t apologise . I think this is it . The last straw. Can’t forgive him.

If you "had to hurry them out" in the morning, why were they still here at 5.30?

People usually leave the house reasonably tidy so the cleaner can properly clean and not clean round the jess. It wouldn't usually be their job to tidy and wash up dishes etc and if they did, it would eat up all the time so cleaning wouldn't get done.

Anyway, it turns out that's the least of your worries. You need to stand up for your nieces. What did dh say when you explained?

It sounds like you know he's a bully so only you can sort this by getting rid.

The cleaner is paid to clean. Bizarre that some think it’s wrong for the cleaner to have some cleaning to do!