Was my husband out of line to shout at my family?

[Tina6458]

My nieces stayed over as I took them to see the Weeknd on Sunday at Wembley.They are in their early 20s and are in summer holidays. We got back late and they went to sleep around 2 am - they stayed in the same room so I guess they were chatting late. My two boys 5&6 woke up early- 6.30am and were watching tv and then building lots of mess around the house . They were excited to wake their cousins up with they did at 10.30 ish - and sort of all hung out in the bed having cuddles with the older girl cousins . The girls are on their own time but I had to hurry them out of the house because I thought wed go for lunch. The house was a bit of a Bomb sight bc the boys had made a mess and one of them had had 3 breakfasts . I was also aware my cleaner was coming at 3ish. We went out for the day. My cleaner texted to say she couldn’t come today. Fast forward 5.30pm we get home and as soon as DH sees my nieces he shouts at them that they had left a mess in the house , that they’re clothes were all over the place ( jackets on a chair in the kitchen ). ‘ do you go to someone else’s house and leave a mess ?! All in s very aggressive elevated tone.
He feels he was in the right to do this because he’s teaching them manners.

No most people don’t have a degree at 20 because most people who attend university go at 18 so a 3 year degree immediately takes you to 21 minimum.

If you dicked around for 6 months after you’re degree why are you suprised a 21 year old is still off in mid August? By your own admission you didn’t start working until almost Christmas after graduating so again, what’s your point?

And what did he say when you explained it was his sons and his wife that created that mess?

Does he normally shout at you when things aren't up to his standard?

It’s disturbing that you feel the need to ask this question.

None of it is ok. No he should not be shouting like a fish wife, but also why are you letting your own children trash the house and then leave without clearing up. It all sounds chaotic.

What a vile aggressive man. I hope you read him the riot act although I suspect you did not.

I am at a lost though why you left such a mess behind you. Surely the job of the cleaner is to actually clean and not tidy. I don't see why going to lunch meant that you did not tidy up. What were you doing when the kids were waking up and cuddling with their cousins.

Bet he wouldn’t have done that if they were 2 lads. Shouting is acceptable if you’re warning someone of a physical risk they’re not aware of, think open manhole cover. Any other shouting is just psychological bludgeoning. Is the shouting a feature?

Was he out of order shouting at your nieces for making a mess of heh it was your sons? Obviously.

What did he say when you pointed out to him that it was his own children who’d made the mess?

yup

I was thinking that?

Yes, and many do four year courses. There's can be a year abroad, or out working in industry/research as part of the course. Medical degrees are 7 years.

I did a four year course back in the mid 1980s. I was 22 when I finished.

OP, I do hope you blew your top at your husband. I would have happily told him that the mess was left by your own boys, and that he has NO business trying to teach good manners to two other adults, especially while displaying his own terrible manners.

Oh, and I would have added that those two young adults had been very polite and accommodating of everything, and that he therefore owed them a sincere apology for his shitty behaviour.

Of course it’s not ok to shout at the wrong people for a mess they didn’t create.

University is for any age. I got a degree at 21 and at 22 and now at 31 I am a year into another degree which I will complete at 34.

Lots of people take gap years too.

Yes he overreacted imo.

To me this sounds like a lovely special time when your nieces came to visit and spent some fun time with their young cousins. Something I would have loved for my kids but it’s looking like they won’t have any cousins. DH needs to relax. It’s just a bit of mess.

Your ‘D’ H is the one that needs a lesson in manners OP

He was wrong in multiple ways:

1. The neices are adults. It is not appropriate for him to think it is his role teach other adults manners.
2. The nieces were guest. You don't treat guests that way.
3. The nieces are female. As others have said, I bet he would not have shouted at male guests.
4. He jumped to conclusions about who made the mess without finding out the facts first.
5. It is wrong to shout about a mess. There are better ways of communicating. Shouting should be reserved for emergencies.

Your DH is a nasty misogynistic bully, who seriously lacks manners himself.

Okay, if you must know, I was JUST 21 and the rest of my friendship group were late July and August birthdays so were all 20. I get that's not always the case but in my experience it was.

I didn't dick around, I spent time with family and applied for jobs. Bear in mind half of that was waiting for my degree to come through to apply for said jobs.

All I'm saying is early 20s could be 24 of which a summer break is rare

A few in Scotland might have finished their degree by 21 if they went to Uni at 17. Most don't. A lot go on to do Masters too.

Exactly. Or how he would have reacted had OP shouted like that at his mother/father if they'd left a jacket on the floor, or at his best mate if he'd made a mess in the toilet.

He feels he was in the right to do this because he's teaching them manners

I wonder what part of shouting was demonstrating good manners to them.

yes, it's a bit ironic, if anything shouting at house guests is a far greater breach of what is normally considered good manners than leaving a jacket on a chair!

Terrible behaviour. He needs to apologise.

I am 48 and had a summer holiday. I always do. I doesn't make me a useless person that hasn't grown up. Also, if one of them is 24, that means they finished their a-levels when the pandemic was just starting. A lot of young people deferred their further studies for a year or two because they didn't want to sit at home and study but wanted the full uni experience. None of this is really relevant, we don't know why they are off, how long they are off for, if they are students, work full-time or part-time.

Thanks for all the messages . I don’t tend to leave a mess. I had a migraine and the boys also kept fighting every 2 mins, then it was getting really late for lunch , so I said the leave and we would come back and tidy. The only thing wrong in the kitchen was that some shopping that hadn’t been put away and some bowls in the sink - and 2 jackets and a cardigan on one chair. Id also spoke to dh to apologise for the mess and said that the morning was difficult because the boys kept fighting and were feral. I guess I’m trying to get a sense check sometimes I think I’m going crazy because he believes what he did was right , and obv didn’t apologise . Girls don’t want to come back again. We’ve had a really turbulent 2 years which him speaking down to me also in this kind of way and seeing him doing it to them has really hurt me.

Yeah well reading your update you have a DH issue, he sounds like an aggressive bully.

Does he ever do any cleaning?

Seeing him treat other women the way he treats you may just be the wake-up call you need to get away from this vile sexist bully.