Single mum - dire dating experience - wdyt?

[4eversinglemum]

i am a 46 year old single mum- really struggling to find anyone suitable dating options on apps.

I am work in a busy corporate career, earn a reasonably high six figure income and am well groomed / reasonably good looking. Divorced 3 years- 2 children mostly with me term time. Support from a nanny / housekeeper and their dad often takes them on weekends but usually not overnight - my ex doesn't work and doesnt have suitable accommodation, although has assets / savings. Children aged tween and teens.

I would like to date someone with whom I can possibly have some sort of a long term relationship with. I have drawn a complete blank on apps like bumble and hinge. The men who I match with (i sometimes switch to paid, but usually not) seem to be unsuitable for what i am looking for. They basically want to get laid, no commitment or emotional investment, are quick to share kinks on chat. Or will message a few times, even flirt on chat for several days and then disappear. The ones I eventually meet are either uninteresting, still only looking for sex and / or are married (but somehow passed my filtering). The very few I enjoyed speaking to and would like to meet again seem to have found someone else (probably because I refused to sleep with them on a second date). My age filters are quite broad, 35 upward.

It looks like I am attracting weirdos and I would like to believe there are nicer men out there. Perhaps the apps i use (bumble, hinge) are a problem? I do meet men through work but most of them have partners or are much younger to me. All the men I know socially outside work are married. I can understand that it isnt easy to date someone with kids, but surely I do have some redeeming factors!

I did have a couple of very short relationships over the past 2 years which were definitely casual from the man's side, only it wasnt clear to me at the outset. I do feel desperately lonely and would love to have a meaningful relationship with a man. So, which apps would you recommend? I dont see the point of "finding men to date via hobbies" because, frankly, I have zero time for group hobbies after work and kids. The things I do - reading, crosswords, walking - are mostly solitary pursuits for my "me time".

Where have all the good men gone and how do i find a few?

Sorry, but it's back to the apps!! Hinge and Bumble were my best two.

Like you (I am male) I struggled a lot of the time myself - despite being interesting, having my shit together, good job, house and all that stuff! Not looking to get laid, not after short term and no wife on the go. Yeah, am average looking but I was expecting more!

There are plenty of women there who disappear, or are uninteresting too, or carrying a load of baggage from ex. But, you keep going, keep dating and sometime it will happen.

I dont know from a female perspective (and I am not saying just click on the ugly ones) but a friend did say that she was only swiping on the really fit guys and getting the same as you, and when she went for guys that were 'ok' but limited attraction on the app, she found better 'quality' conversation/standards and ended up with someone who she is still with 3 years later!

You are confusing demand with supply.
Unfortunately just because there is a demand for something, it doesn’t mean that thing is available.
There just aren’t that many decent men who happen to be single - most of the (small number of ) good men are snapped up ‘in the wild’ before they get to the apps.
If you don’t make the effort to go out and meet them you won’t find one.
If you don’t have time to go out and find one, how will you have time for a relationship?

@KittyCorncrake but I am making time to meet people via apps. Honestly, where are these men hanging out 'in the wild'? I have no experience of online dating prior to the last 2 years since met my ex at uni.

I go out with friends, watch plays, go for work drinks. Never have I managed to come across a single man who wanted to date me.

@FloydPink , good advice on changing my filters / lowering my expectations on looks.

@4eversinglemum44 year old single mother here! I am sadly not in the same situation as you (no 6 figure salary or nanny or housekeeper) but like you I’m attractive and in good shape for my age! Don’t need to rely on filler, Botox or filters - work hard and am very independent! I have been on the apps but I haven’t been on one single date in four years. After my relationship breakdown I did go on three dates:

1. super hot, fun and incredible in bed! But at 49 he didn’t have his life together and I can’t be dealing with a man child when I am a single parent.
2. we clicked and got on so well. He was really interested in me and we were a great match. I didn’t feel that instant spark after a few dates, so didn’t pursue it! When I realised I might have missed something amazing he’d already been snapped up! More fool me!
3. Fun NZ guy! Was nice and kind etc, but we didn’t share the same life outlook.

After those three encounters I haven’t dated for four years! I’ve probably set my standards too high and, like you, if I do chat with someone with potential they usually disappear. I’m playing the long game and spend a lot of time reading profiles and looking at pictures! I uploaded my pictures to AI as I said all I was attracting was middle aged
men - they kindly pointed out I am also middle
aged haha! The best messages I get are from men k find the least attractive and now, after four years I can see through the poser/hot men’s profiles! I also unmatch with anyone who gets sexual before we’ve met - not because I’m a prude but they’ve shown their focus to me!

Play the long game! I’m not instagram hot, but I have a lot going for me! I’m not going to settle for mediocre at my age! Get happy being single - as a single mum I don’t have time to be lonely 😂 The right person will come, and in the meantime just treat the apps as window shopping in the hope a unicorn might appear. I would say Tinder can be awful but I’ve probably had the best chat and matches on that app as there is. More quantity! Bumble seems the middle ground and Hinge (or unhinged as I like to call it) is on another level!!

would love to keep this thread open as a space to share dating stories - might make me get my arse in gear to actually go on one! 😂😂

Also, I would add some probably very attractive men are missing out on dates as their photos are awful! So many awful photos or the opposite (and worse in my eyes) using Ai

Given your professional and financial status, have you considered paying a proper matchmaker/introduction agency? Will be quality not quantit what way. The apps are awful.

The reality is, the pool of dateable men is absolutely tiny. And if they decide they want a relationship the chances are they’re going to be snapped up near instantly. It’s just a chance of finding them at the right time tbh.

A lot of the guys on apps have tons of issues and rotate through constantly.

From what you've said, I'm not sure where you'd find the time to, as it were, "fit a man into my busy life". You may need a re-think. A busy corporate career is not a plus for most men; having kids and limited time is a bit of a minus.
Men fare worse on dating apps ... well, women have the choice from a lot of bad options. The 'best single men' are probably those coming out of existing relationships, but hard to get the timing right on those.

There is a long standing dating thread running on here, full of very lovely supportive women, lots of humour and useful insights/advice, look it up 😊

The Dating Thread - 62 😊😊

I don't agree. No one ever said this to a male banker / PE / lawyer / doctor who is on a dating app! If my having a career and ambition puts men off - I dont think I would want to date them.

Hi OP

Is seriously consider ditching the apps and trying an introduction service.

Tailored, vetted, clear expectations.

Not cheap but worth it IMHO

The dating thread wikl be valuable if I was indeed dating. At present im still looking to find someone date.

Please let me know which introduction service you have found. Has anyone tried apps like Raya?

Are you here from the 50s?

@4eversinglemumI wouldn’t pass the checks haha! But I’ve heard it’s full of very vacuous people. To be honest if a man my age even knew what Raya was I’d find it an instant turn off! 😂

It’s interesting seeing a few people mention introduction services and vetting. It does seem like one of the problems with the big apps is that everyone gets thrown into the same pool regardless of what they’re actually looking for.

Someone wanting a proper relationship can end up spending most of their time filtering out people who were never looking for the same thing in the first place.

They say dating in your 40's is like going through the toy box looking for the least broken toy 😩

@gratefulmezzethis is true but it works the same way! At the end of the day all human beings are flawed and actually I think probably have better luck finding someone nice at this age! It’s just impossible to forge a connection that’s not centred around looks on the apps! When I dated in my 20/30 you’d go out and speak to people. Not always conventionally beautiful people, but you’d speak to someone who made you laugh or had something really interesting about them and you would know instantly if you got a good vibe or not! Apps take that part away - it doesn’t matter how many gimmicks you add to them you’re never going to get that first chemistry from an app. I’ve probably disregarded many perfect matches because of really superficial things!

I have heard terrible stories about match making agencies. Bit of a scam. Very little selection and it's expensive....preying on people's vulnerabilities or desperation. That's what I heard anyway.

Many men report having zero success using dating sites. They are probably not the most photogenic but are probably decent guys.

I think you need to throw a wide net out there online dating-wise and meet men you normally wouldn't be interested in. You may be surprised.

I've met many people on dating apps, including my current partner. Honestly, I may have been overly eager, but it was quite a funny experience. I am a professional with older kids. My friend uses the burned haystack method—meaning she doesn't bother with people who aren't a good fit. It sounds simple, and she's still single by choice although the people she dates now are compatible her outlook changed on the reality that there are many looking but at our age we all have a longer list of what's appropriate

OP, I despaired of the apps too so went looking “in the wild”. I joined a clay shooting club, had a huge amount of fun, met two who I dated. I do a karate class with my ds and met one to have a few dates with. Currently learning to keep bees and some interesting men ( not sure if dateable yet). It takes more time but is much more relaxed and natural.

I agree, a corporate career is not well received so I am purposefully vague about my job and my finances.

The reality is that it will be hard in your situation, age, children, etc. But that people refer to apps as “dating apps” has always been misleading, they are “hookup apps” by their nature. Apparently any method of meeting that is “fast” and causes you to make decisions quickly and therefore with low information will count against most women. You need slower methods of meeting, which is hard if you are not meeting through group activities.

I suspect even group activities attached to reading would be female dominated. Crosswords are unlikely to have any way to have a social element. Are there groups to do walking in your area?

The only other way is meeting someone through your children’s activities, a divorced dad or similar. But that is hard to know how that would come about.

It is literally for people dating/looking to find someone to date. Often your question is about hinge/bumble/platforms is asked etc

The issue here is men and women are different and you have to engage with the world as it is not as it should be. The fact men don’t see a big career as a plus doesn’t mean they see it as a negative just it won’t be a positive for you when it may be for a man.

I suspect the bigger barrier re: fitting a man in, may be that it sounds like you may be looking for one with quite pass times to relax after work that will fit with your time to relax, so he may also not be out to be found if he is also relaxing by engaging in quiet activities.

Perhaps introductions via your social circle?