Single mum - dire dating experience - wdyt?

[4eversinglemum]

i am a 46 year old single mum- really struggling to find anyone suitable dating options on apps.

I am work in a busy corporate career, earn a reasonably high six figure income and am well groomed / reasonably good looking. Divorced 3 years- 2 children mostly with me term time. Support from a nanny / housekeeper and their dad often takes them on weekends but usually not overnight - my ex doesn't work and doesnt have suitable accommodation, although has assets / savings. Children aged tween and teens.

I would like to date someone with whom I can possibly have some sort of a long term relationship with. I have drawn a complete blank on apps like bumble and hinge. The men who I match with (i sometimes switch to paid, but usually not) seem to be unsuitable for what i am looking for. They basically want to get laid, no commitment or emotional investment, are quick to share kinks on chat. Or will message a few times, even flirt on chat for several days and then disappear. The ones I eventually meet are either uninteresting, still only looking for sex and / or are married (but somehow passed my filtering). The very few I enjoyed speaking to and would like to meet again seem to have found someone else (probably because I refused to sleep with them on a second date). My age filters are quite broad, 35 upward.

It looks like I am attracting weirdos and I would like to believe there are nicer men out there. Perhaps the apps i use (bumble, hinge) are a problem? I do meet men through work but most of them have partners or are much younger to me. All the men I know socially outside work are married. I can understand that it isnt easy to date someone with kids, but surely I do have some redeeming factors!

I did have a couple of very short relationships over the past 2 years which were definitely casual from the man's side, only it wasnt clear to me at the outset. I do feel desperately lonely and would love to have a meaningful relationship with a man. So, which apps would you recommend? I dont see the point of "finding men to date via hobbies" because, frankly, I have zero time for group hobbies after work and kids. The things I do - reading, crosswords, walking - are mostly solitary pursuits for my "me time".

Where have all the good men gone and how do i find a few?

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots , this is the problem with being a busy professional with friends who are busier professionals. No one seems to have time to cultivate new friendships, or host social gatherings. Most people I know are through work or my children's schools. And no one seems to be divorced. Despite what stats tell me.

On the activity group suggestion have you considered joining a walking group (seeing that's one of your interests)? Fairly balanced gender split and a fair few singles who attend but without the expectation of dating opportunity per se. Also gives opportunity to chat to someone in relaxed environment and get to know them. Plenty of walking groups on Facebook.

Tennis can be another one with even gender split though you need to find right club with good social scene.

Finally, if this is an option which can be accommodated with your child care, an interest/activity holiday e.g Exodus, Trailfinders, could be a way of meeting other singles, again without express intention of finding someone but there will be others in same position as you.

I think Speed dating has the same issue, being a "fast" environment, that OLD does. Just a bit less of a disadvantage to women.

But you may find Pub Quiz's a good option. More likely to have someone who may choose quite evenings willing to go to a pub quiz. Even more so if it is one for an event (certain causes have them). I have been to ones for the RNLI, animal charities, local causes, etc. you may find a man who has an interest in something may go to an event to fundraise for a cause they care about.

You may be able to pick events where the interests overlap with you?

Have you tried the league? Fewer matches, all professional men and you pay. However, they are mostly London based.

I've tried speed dating twice, and on each occasion is was terrible.

Event number one had a problem because too many men and not enough women turned up. In the end the hosts own mother played the part of one of the girls along with one of the barmaids how just happened to fancy women. The evening did not go well as all the men found out that the women had turned up for free but the men paid thirty quid each. Grim.

Speed dating two was a little bit, shall we say, basic. Held in a local pub upstairs on a Thursday night, one of the women turned up drunk and threw up all over her table, which was nice. Of the 10 women supposed to turn up, only 6 did ( a reoccurring theme) but the best bit was when some bloke from downstairs came upstairs, walked in and proceeded to smash furniture up. Three of the six women promptly had a fight about who was taking him home and I escaped through the back door.

Speed dating is absolutely awful, dont do it.

@Anotherlurkingmale good suggestions on Exodus etc. I have been considering these small group holidays and believe there are some which segment by age as well

@Thisistyresome i agree - I think pub quizzes once a fortnight or so is something I can try. Will need to scope out different pubs to find the right social vibe

@mulberrybag5 thanks for the suggestion. I havent heard of The League but will check it out now. Raya is the only other app I was wondering about but I have android phones which it doesnt work with. And looks like it isnt great either, or only for semi celebs perhaps?

Im 38 with 3 children and met my boyfriend on tinder, he's a pain in the ass but he so caring and loving and would do anything for me, he even cycled a 20 mile round trip for me to see me in hospital and check on my cat and bring me bits to the hospital for me. He adores my kids and says he sees them as his own. Took 8 years of online dating to find him. It just a case of luck now days I think.

Dog walking is a good way to meet people and just chat naturally.
If you are near a nice park you can probably meet people in same area as you.

"My friend uses Burned Haystack, it's very good, she's still single".

Not much of an endorsement for that then.

She's also not stuck in a horrible relationship, leaving her unavailable to find a good one.

Speed dating is absolutely awful, dont do it.

The one I went to was well run. I’d do it again if I was looking for a relationship.

I had quite a good experience but that could have been because I was relaxed. My friend was actually rather desperate, and I think it showed.

Using no method and not going on any OLD also leaves someone available for a good one. Same outcome though: still single.

Not the same outcome at all. There's a much, much reduced chance of finding someone. If it's something you actually want, you'd do well to pursue it, with a strategy to avoid getting stuck with the wrong person.

Is that offensive? There do seem to be some people who really don't like the idea of women preferring to be single if they don't fancy anyone available.

Who said anything about offence?

If you want to meet someone, saying use the "Burned Haystack" method because you've yet to find anyone through it isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.

And because people are so wedded to the concept they fail to see that there may be flaws in it, and instead think that all the men are awful because they've filtered out 100%.

How does someone get stuck with the wrong person? You meet on an app, go for a date, yes or no and move on. Are you seriously telling me that because you didn't use Burned Haystack on an OLD profile you are now stuck in a long term relationship with that person?

I've never used OLD in my life but tbh the burned haystack method doesn't sound a million miles off what I did in real life in my pre married life. I never thought of it in such dramatic terms, and I certainly wasn't trying to find a perfect billionaire who looked like a film star.

But I do often see women on here who've known a man for 15 minutes or haven't actually met at all and he's already throwing up horrible or unpleasant behaviours, and they're asking if they should keep going with him him because they want to be fair and reasonable and all that, and I think, if that were me I'd just ditch at this point. Never thought of it in terms of burning anything but I don't think it matters what you call it. It's the same thing.

And we get scores of threads on here daily from women who tried to be all nice and reasonable and kept seeing him despite his misogynistic jokes or horrid sex comments or obsession with her not being a "gold digger" and whatnot, and they'd all be far better off single, and therefore available to meet someone who's not all those things, while still being proactive in making that happen.

It doesn't seem unreasonable or mad to me, and I don't think there's anything sinister about women being single if they haven't yet met a man who can't go 20 minutes without being creepy or antisocial. I'm sure some women have unrealistic expectations but that's hardly unique to women.

My experience on here and in real life is that women accepting shitty treatment is a far, far bigger issue.

insanity is trying the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Try speed dating, life drawing etc

@mulberrybag5 have you tried The League? Worth signing up?

Ditching someone IRL because they are awful is not the Burned Haystack method.

The Burned Haystack is for OLD, and blocking any profile that doesn't meet a particular standard. And this standard includes obvious things like explicit language but also typos, certain keywords and user interpretation of certain phrases. The point is to keep blocking until you magically find that one unicorn profile.

A major criticism of the Burned Haystack is that you become too obsessed with looking for a flaw in every profile, and end up blocking perfectly decent men because there was a typo in their profile.

Bottom line is you need to pay to weed out the weirdos and except it takes time. I met dh online at your age

Some of my single friends go on walking holidays, HF is one company. Also there are sailing holidays for singles as well. For weekend walks try the Ramblers. What about dining clubs? One of my single friends went to Ceroc where there are lots of singles.

Well this is hypothetical because I've never done OLD and I never will; if I become single again I have no interest in pursuing another relationship. I won't get this lucky twice in one lifetime.

But if I did, personally I wouldn't discard a profile over a typo or two but I probably would if the guy didn't seem reasonably literate. And I probably would be put off by certain phrases even if they aren't explicitly and objectively awful. I already know I'm not compatible with many men so I'd probably be worried if I did seem to like too many of them. Burned haystack really doesn't sound a million miles off my natural inclinations.

I can understand the criticism but I don't think we are in any danger of an epidemic of women mass rejecting men who are intelligent, kind, emotionally available, solvent and supportive. There are already far too many women accepting shitty treatment and that's a much bigger issue.

The country register is a dating agency. Expensive but used by the country set

Muddy matches is online I think.

Adult friends is filth.

My bff is a serial dater. Much older than you, pretty, wealthy and likes sex. Never short of a date.

I'm married , don't particularly like men these days but get sent lots of drinks in restaurants.
However I'm nosy, smiley and I'm out at lunchtime for corporate business. I find if I go to high end eateries there's plenty of chaps to chat to. Keep an open mind.
The Worsley often has solo male diners!

Sounds like you could do with being a wee bit more open minded with your OLD filtering. Ruling out a man for having a gym bod picture is ruling them out in totality for one facet of themselves (and yes l know for some of them that would be all of their personality but that can be quickly established via messaging).

I met my partner of 5 years on Tinder in my early 40s. Like you I have a highly successful career and am a single mum. My partner had a really bad spelling mistake on the first sentence of his profile - one tiny thing vs his Oxbridge PhD and general loveliness! The spelling mistake almost made me swipe left as I was ‘not the type of person who would date someone who can’t spell or proof read’ but that would have been so remiss as it’s hardly a red flag character flaw

I went on an HF weekend once. I was the youngest person by some considerable distance, and I'm in my 50s. I was also the only single person.