Single mum - dire dating experience - wdyt?

[4eversinglemum]

i am a 46 year old single mum- really struggling to find anyone suitable dating options on apps.

I am work in a busy corporate career, earn a reasonably high six figure income and am well groomed / reasonably good looking. Divorced 3 years- 2 children mostly with me term time. Support from a nanny / housekeeper and their dad often takes them on weekends but usually not overnight - my ex doesn't work and doesnt have suitable accommodation, although has assets / savings. Children aged tween and teens.

I would like to date someone with whom I can possibly have some sort of a long term relationship with. I have drawn a complete blank on apps like bumble and hinge. The men who I match with (i sometimes switch to paid, but usually not) seem to be unsuitable for what i am looking for. They basically want to get laid, no commitment or emotional investment, are quick to share kinks on chat. Or will message a few times, even flirt on chat for several days and then disappear. The ones I eventually meet are either uninteresting, still only looking for sex and / or are married (but somehow passed my filtering). The very few I enjoyed speaking to and would like to meet again seem to have found someone else (probably because I refused to sleep with them on a second date). My age filters are quite broad, 35 upward.

It looks like I am attracting weirdos and I would like to believe there are nicer men out there. Perhaps the apps i use (bumble, hinge) are a problem? I do meet men through work but most of them have partners or are much younger to me. All the men I know socially outside work are married. I can understand that it isnt easy to date someone with kids, but surely I do have some redeeming factors!

I did have a couple of very short relationships over the past 2 years which were definitely casual from the man's side, only it wasnt clear to me at the outset. I do feel desperately lonely and would love to have a meaningful relationship with a man. So, which apps would you recommend? I dont see the point of "finding men to date via hobbies" because, frankly, I have zero time for group hobbies after work and kids. The things I do - reading, crosswords, walking - are mostly solitary pursuits for my "me time".

Where have all the good men gone and how do i find a few?

I was chatting to one of my male friends who was recently divorced, and encouraging him to try the apps. I was newly separated and not ready to get out there just yet… but I wanted him to try it (because he really wanted to have a relationship, and I wanted to see how his experience would go….)

anyway, when he was considering what he wanted in a partner, turns out he decided that it was me! I was a bit shocked when he made his move as I had never considered him like that, (although very attractive and a great person) but two years later we are very, very happy!

his XW (who I was also friends with) is no longer friends with me, (or him) which I am sad about, of course, but I do believe that we are very happy and have a future together. In fact, he has told me that when I do get divorced, he will be proposing. Our future is discussed openly, and in a very matter of fact way.

sorry, no advice about the apps as I never got that far, but just encouraging you again to look about in the wild, sometimes they are right under your nose!

Oof good luck op. I’m soon to go back on the apps after being in a relationship for 10+ years. I’m nearly 50 with a big senior job, and kids. I too don’t meet anyone to go on a date with “in the wild” despite being a member of a gym with a big social scene (70% of the members are middle aged females, the men are all attached), I have a job where I mix with lots of people, I’m an extrovert, move in different circles etc. I don’t really know any single men tbh. I’m “happy being single” but equally - I’d prefer to have a significant other.

Yes I agree absolutely! I am finding meeting the right type of men on dating apps. I'm looking for a guy similar to me re active, attractive and relatively financially stable (even with or without a few kids). The ones who contact me or vice versa are living in rented accommodation, have children with multiple partners. Of course they are attracted to me!😬But that could do with my detached house and not having children...? But were they attractive - NO!!! I tried overlooking looks but repulsion doesn't bode well. A few married friends say I'm too picky but good Lord, there's no way I'm going to settle.
Good luck.

"Yes I agree absolutely! I am finding meeting the right type of men on dating apps. I'm looking for a guy similar to me re active, attractive and relatively financially stable (even with or without a few kids"

All of these things are subjective. What is the right type of man, how is he similar to you ans what does relatively financially stable look like ? I'm fairly sure that Leonardo De Capriot in the Wolf of Wall Street is unavailable....

I’ve got a few friends who have had success on an app called Breeze lately, slightly older and with good careers. It books the date for you, so everyone on it tends to be intentional

I met my partner on hinge, had one last look before deleting and we matched and chatted and he was just so normal and nice! We chatted for 2 weeks then met in real life and i just knew he wasn’t like all the other cretins I’d dated! There’s been no game playing, just 2 people actually falling madly in love! It’s been honestly lovely! We joke it’s sickening how lovey dovey we are but we are blissfully happy and just get on so well, laugh lots and he’s my person and im his! We both have kids but have the same child free time so have a lovely mix of time just us and time with all the kids!

I would increase your age limit.

I’ve just been messaging someone this afternoon very briefly, I only put my phone down for a bit to go toilet and make a drink, in that time he messaged ‘what would you like to know about me???’ Why the 3 question marks? Sounds like he’s annoyed I haven’t answered him straight away 🙄

There is a facebook group called “the adventure singles”. Basically single uk people going out to events eg hiking/nights out and meeting people irl where there could be a connection

Reading through this thread, I can completely understand why so many people feel worn down by online dating.
When you’ve had disappointing conversations, people disappear, intentions don’t match, or someone turns out not to be who you thought they were, it can make the whole thing feel exhausting rather than exciting.
I also think there’s a difficult truth in the middle of it all though — some problems are caused by the platforms, and some are simply caused by people being people.
A dating site can improve things like verification, reporting, moderation, clearer intentions and safer messaging. It can try to make fake or suspicious behaviour harder and give genuine people better tools.
What it can’t do is completely prevent someone changing their mind, ghosting, misrepresenting themselves or simply not feeling a connection.
That’s actually part of what led me to start building Zendra, a small UK dating platform. I don’t think any dating site can magically fix human behaviour, because it can’t.
What I’m trying to do instead is make the environment feel calmer, more genuine and a little less disposable — so people have a better chance of getting to know someone without quite so much noise around it.
I’m also deliberately keeping it genuine rather than filling it with fake profiles or manufactured activity just to make it look busy.
I’d genuinely be interested to know:
What would make online dating feel calmer or more comfortable for you personally?
Not “what would make every person behave perfectly”, because sadly no app can promise that 😅 — but what could the platform itself do better?

True, but I have a hard job getting over bloated bellies, grease-stained tee shirts, lack of hygiene, comb-overs, nose piercings, players, living with multiple grown up children (over 30), and men who want to play mind-games, and so it goes on. I'm looking for someone who takes a certain pride in their appearance, clean, hygienic and has certain standards, attitudes and morals that would fit in with my own. I was merely answering the OPs message, not for others to jump in and expect to rip apart what I'm looking for or for me to justify my own standards to anyone, thank you.
All the very best to you, OP! I'm still optimistic of meeting the right guy for me and I am positive I will know when I meet him, and if not, so be it! ☺️

After a disastrous very short relationship, I’ve been single and a single mum for 14 years now. I tired OLD in the early days of finding myself single, but with a young child and a demanding job, I just didn’t have time to play the numbers game needed. My free time was/is precious and I felt like I was wasting it on men who were never going to be right for me. I could write a book on the truly awful dates I’ve had.

I came off the apps with the intention of rejoining ‘at some point’. But I never have. I’m confident in the work place but actually very shy and introverted in ‘real life’. I’ve never been chatted up, even when I was much younger than I am now, and could never instigate a conversation with someone. I’m just rubbish socially. I’m now in my late 50s and can’t ever see it happening for me. I’ve almost made my peace with that, but maybe when I hit retirement that’s when I’ll have the time to look again. Who knows?

Dad here, never tried OLD sounds horrific but I think I'll have to give it a try & get my ego prepared for bruising, I've not really found many approachable single women around in the small world most of us have with kids & work & life going on & I travel a fair amount too for work too so I'm all over the place.

I have a female friend who is smashing the London dates on the dating apps, she's early 40s divorced, good job, attractive & a mum & has no shortage of dates, she must have had over 30 dates recently & not settled on any, so that's a 'her' issue I think, but I understand other than one utter loon, she's had respectful interesting dates at least.

She might be on here! Hello if so!

I can't be the only guy who reads this & thinks who are these planks who have an issue with women which might out earn them? Or shock horror, have great careers. Seems madness to me, must be some very insecure men around.

I think you should move your age filter too, if only because at 53 your 50 filter would exclude me & I'm awesome ;) ha not that I'm on any apps so a moot point really.

Actually my friend mentioned above actually had a date with a guy my age, bit surprised when she's 42, but I'll have to ask her what her filters are set to.

Last thought- that Raya app, it's the 'celebs' & media/creative industries/influencer type people one isn't it? Think it's invited only or you have to show your millions of Instagram followers or something? Absolutely not my bag, but might be yours. However could prove difficult to get on it, unless of course perhaps you fit that socio demographic description.

@CallmePaul no - I'm not the Raya type at all. It was a random thought. I will check out that dating app for professionals where you are verified by your LinkedIn profile, perhaps.

But very keen to hear tips from your friend - how has she optimized the algorithm? Hinge, for example, only seems to get me interest from my ethnic group- and I find that very weird. Are they using that as a filter? Bumble may be marginally better but most people I match with dont bother replying even though now the app gives us 3 days for an initial response before removing matches.

It's all too much work. Im just going to give up. I had never thought I would be single long term, although the hindsight would not have stopped me from divorcing my ex. Well-meaning female friends tell me - "it doesnt seem fair" (that I am still single) and that hurts more. I have abandoned expectations and hope. If I had time to hang around in bars / clubs, I would perhaps get hit on occasionally, which might be an ego boost at least. But life's too short, and I have to be intentional.

I’m probably the sort of man you might have been looking for ( not 6 figures but high 5’s ) And about the right age

bur I would never have met you, going out with friends, plays , work drinks - you will never get approached by anyone- it’s too off putting - and tbh to female oriented

think about the things that you don’t want to do and where there might be men with expensive hobbies- gym , golf clubs, bike meets, car meets , maybe a music festival- but might have to do the approaching or asking

@FlyingBeGoat what makes you claim that my going to plays, work drinks, dinners, movies, music gigs / concerts is "offputting"?! I go with men and women (drinks, dinner, gigs) or on my own (plays, movies, walks).

And how judgemental, implying the other "hobbies" you mention are "expensive" compared to what i do. Who cares about "expensive"? i would run a mile from golf. car meets sound like a geriatric hangout to me. I go for reformer pilates classes, not to a gym, and this indeed has many 60+ women whose fitness levels put me to shame, but i go there for my core, not to hit on men 😀

I mean, I can be judgemental too!

So, no, you are not the sort of man i am looking for.

Sadly they're just not that many available especially in your age bracket. There's far too many with issues. drinking, gambling, unemployed, messy lives, etc. and then you'll be getting to the ones who are getting ready to retire and they are looking for a nurse with a purse.
I'm really beginning to think that men just don't see relationships the way we do

I've also used Burned Haystacks dating method, it made it much easier to sort through the men online and find just a few that looked ok and go from there, rather than wading through heaps of unsuitable people.

Go on FB, join Burned Haystacks, do the method, you have far fewer people if you do it properly but they then become genuine prospects rather than wasting times with the 'haystack' of awful men.

As for career, it is an issue even for other similarly positioned career oriented men. I think the difference is that for women, men with a great career is a plus, stability, money and status. For men, they don't mind if you have a career but they don't see it as a plus. I've had this as someone who is successful in my career, many men used to say things like 'you are so career-oriented' or go on about it even though I'm not particularly career obsessed at all and have plenty of time for dating! I don't think there is a solution to this, just don't sell yourself on that basis as it doesn't work.

I think what @FlyingBeGoat is trying to say is a bit different, I don't think he's saying those things aren't nice, he's saying if you are trying to maximise your chances of meeting eligible men, you won't do so by hanging out in female friend groups or going to events like music concerts with them. He's saying your worlds wouldn't probably overlap and even if they did, he wouldn't want to step into a group of women and introduce himself.

I think this is a good point, if you go out looking self-sufficient and having fun with female friends, that's great of itself, it's not a good way to meet new men for dating. You need a scenario in which meeting new people, chatting, openings happen- so that might be at a meet up group for a new hobby, or where men hang out (that's presumably why he was suggesting hobbies men like).

This is relatively sensible advice. I'd also not 'give up' yet, in fact, I'd dig in for the long haul. I've noticed on the apps that great men come and go very quickly, I found my partner when he was back on there temporarily after another dating situation ended, my lovely male friend was on there about two weeks, these types of men don't hang about.

I urge you to join Burned Haystacks and do the method, it advocates not checking all the time, not orienting your life around it, but if you maintain a great set of photos, upbeat short intro and check in once a day, keeping your search wide but then, critically, employing BHDM to weed out 95% of candidates, you might find some nice people to date, even if they don't turn out to be right in the end. There are ways to optimise your searching. I put my age as 40-60 when I was just over 50, but then employed the BHDM to get rid of most of them. You also may want to search out of your area, as I found the men in my area weren't so much my type, and that covering big cities locally worked better. The key is not to exclude too much using the online algorithm, as you may be ruling out nice people, but then to be ruthless within the app and in subsequent conversations. Makes it so much easier when you have a strategy.

Hope you have some luck, you sound a catch and there will be someone out there for you.

I dont know where I said up thread that I hang out exclusively / mostly with female friends.

I work in a male denominated workplace - most friends are heterosexual couples. So these are who i go places with, but also often on my own.

Fair enough, for whatever reason, though, you aren't meeting men to date so far, even though you work in a male-dominated workplace and have couple friends- so it might be worth thinking about how to open things up a bit. I joined a few meet-up groups and met people that way; it's a different vibe than going with already decided friends to an event, and it's easier to chat casually with new people. I never met any eligible men in the few years I went out with friends to things. Once I started actively trying to date, via apps and different types of events (it's easier if they are singles events even though it's a bit painful to attend these), I found quite a lot! I guess I was just hanging out with a lot of settled-down people already in couples, and there just weren't any opportunities. I know other people who have met someone in walking groups, mixed/singles choirs, although apps still seem to be the most popular way.

Yep - the OP will struggle to meet any one while going out with work groups or to see plays etc , most people stick to themselves and will definitely not approach- she needs to think about the places man will be and are reasonable expense- so those ppl have a bit of disposable income.

i go to the theatre with my GF as she likes it - but I wouldn’t go as a single man , I go to the gym - not reformer pilates classes -
if the OP wants to meet men - or get men to speak to her , she will have to go where the men are , maybe park run 🤷🏼‍♂️

I saying because I know, you are living in your own world ( a nice place I’m sure), and it’s not working for you- the kind of men you probably want to meet don’t live in your world or are only on the fringes of it - so you need to explore other options that you probably don’t like, going out with your friends to plays and movies is great- but you won’t meet anyone doing that- because single men don’t generally do that 🤷🏼‍♂️

I would still be more intentional and approach select events where people are indeed looking for potential dates / partners, rather than join hobby groups (even if these aren't my hobbies) and start at the top of the funnel, with no filtering for intent. Need to maximize odds. I spend time on my interests because I like what I get out of it. The time I carve out for meeting like minded men needs to be spent in an activity where men come with a similar intention, I think.

I agree with you, I prefer to attend singles events (there are some for oldies round us, like 45 up!) or do online dating with heavy filters (Burned Haystacks) as then you know the people are mostly single (I have got caught out online with a couple of married guys but spotted this in conversation and not after meeting) and willing to have a relationship.

I set my age wide, but then discount anyone who isn't willing to date same age women (e.g. a 60 year old who puts 35-55), anyone who wants casual relationships as that's not my thing and if they don't know what that doesn't work for me, take out anyone who is unsure/wants kids as I'm past that stage, but keep the area range as wide as possible.

I'd rather have one nice date than five awful ones that make me feel bad about men.

I hope it works out for you!