Single mum - dire dating experience - wdyt?

[4eversinglemum]

i am a 46 year old single mum- really struggling to find anyone suitable dating options on apps.

I am work in a busy corporate career, earn a reasonably high six figure income and am well groomed / reasonably good looking. Divorced 3 years- 2 children mostly with me term time. Support from a nanny / housekeeper and their dad often takes them on weekends but usually not overnight - my ex doesn't work and doesnt have suitable accommodation, although has assets / savings. Children aged tween and teens.

I would like to date someone with whom I can possibly have some sort of a long term relationship with. I have drawn a complete blank on apps like bumble and hinge. The men who I match with (i sometimes switch to paid, but usually not) seem to be unsuitable for what i am looking for. They basically want to get laid, no commitment or emotional investment, are quick to share kinks on chat. Or will message a few times, even flirt on chat for several days and then disappear. The ones I eventually meet are either uninteresting, still only looking for sex and / or are married (but somehow passed my filtering). The very few I enjoyed speaking to and would like to meet again seem to have found someone else (probably because I refused to sleep with them on a second date). My age filters are quite broad, 35 upward.

It looks like I am attracting weirdos and I would like to believe there are nicer men out there. Perhaps the apps i use (bumble, hinge) are a problem? I do meet men through work but most of them have partners or are much younger to me. All the men I know socially outside work are married. I can understand that it isnt easy to date someone with kids, but surely I do have some redeeming factors!

I did have a couple of very short relationships over the past 2 years which were definitely casual from the man's side, only it wasnt clear to me at the outset. I do feel desperately lonely and would love to have a meaningful relationship with a man. So, which apps would you recommend? I dont see the point of "finding men to date via hobbies" because, frankly, I have zero time for group hobbies after work and kids. The things I do - reading, crosswords, walking - are mostly solitary pursuits for my "me time".

Where have all the good men gone and how do i find a few?

Check out Burned Haystack on FB. It's been very helpful for women navigating the dating apps, and its principles apply in general life too. I'm not dating but I love reading there.

And it works, in the sense that some women find their "needle in a haystack" - ie a kind and decent man who treats women as humans and who adds to their life rather than wrecking it or sucking it away - and others don't waste their time and mental health on yucky men who do not share their relational goals.

Two of the principles of BH is (1) to block anyone who shows red flags (ie burning the haystack) - and Jenny shows how to detect those red flags with rhetorical analysis - and (2) to consider men who LACK red flags, even if you don't initially feel a spark. Obviously you shouldn't consider people you actively find off-putting but the repeated theme of the women who "found their needles" was that they went on dates with no-red-flag guys despite the lack of butterflies and they proved themselves over multiple dates to be so kind, respectful, and interesting as a person that the women started finding them incredibly attractive. In fact, butterflies often indicate someone who makes you nervous because your subconscious is warning you about them, By contrast, the needle men make the women's nervous system calm and happy.

Jenny herself found her needle with this method: she too did not initially feel a spark with him but now they are extremely happy together. They're in their late 50s but the method applies to everyone.

I can’t believe I just read this! Are we in 2026 or blimmin 1956?!

The men I know are interested in interesting women with interesting lives and careers, not dull tradwives.

^^ agree with this. My boss similar age, big job, met her lovely partner this way.

@4eversinglemum also one thought about the guys who just want sex. Many men, especially if they are divorced may not feel the ‘urge’ for a relationship until they meet the right person. So meeting someone who is only looking for a hook-up doesn’t necessarily mean it couldn’t develop into something more. My divorced mate met her partner that way - hook up at first but they got on so well it became another date and another and years later they are going strong.

Perhaps it would be too much of a stretch meeting someone under those circumstances though.

Hmmm I think you need time plus being nearer a city widens the talent pool. My 50 year old no kids friend is super successful and has no shortage of dates. Yes she hasn’t found the one but that’s probably another story. I met my ex of four years on Tinder and he was probably a bad idea it turned out but we had a lot of fun and he didn’t object to my kids and a career. Following that (should never have rejoined in recovery mode..) I met a SA on Tinder who was moving abroad so he came with an expiration label and we messed about for a year before he left. He had no issues with my job! Anyhow I’ve always met good people to be fair and never had a terrible date. Not every meeting needs to be romantic 🥰

I met dp on an app that is universally panned on here. And I fancied him from
first seeing his profile and still do.

Contrary to this thread, I think there are large numbers of men who regard a high end career as a minimal requirement. Not dp exactly but he has absolutely no issue with my work. It is fair to say that I signalled in my profile that I like sex, but also had other interests. I knew I’d get some ‘sex first’ responses but tbh that’s going to happen anywhere.

Any dating app is like a huge cavernous club full of men. Somewhere in it are twenty men you could have a conversation with, ten you could enjoy a date with and two you could have a relationship with. Yes you’re going to get lots of guys trying to rub their cock on you but that’s just clubs for you.

Parship. We've been married 13 years after meeting on it in 2007.

“It’s just impossible to forge a connection that’s not centred around looks on the apps!”

I think this is a big part of the problem with apps as well.
In real life you might not immediately notice someone across a room, but after ten minutes talking to them they suddenly become much more attractive because they’re funny, interesting or just easy to be around.
Apps tend to make you decide far too much from a few photos and a couple of lines before any of that can happen. It probably means a lot of perfectly good matches never even get a conversation.
And even when you do start talking,text-only conversations can make things harder. There’s no tone of voice, facial expression or real context, so it’s very easy to read something completely differently from how the other person meant it. A perfectly innocent message can suddenly sound cold, rude or uninterested when it wasn’t intended that way at all.

I'm 49 and I checked out of dating about five years ago and just concentrate on me. It became rapidly obvious over the years I did try that women just didn't want me. So I got bored of being too short or not loud enough or kind but jot compatabile enough and I dont regret it.

I had put some time into a dating app and after five years got absolutely nothing. I then rewrote my profile saying that I was bald, 6"4 and had 'been away for a bit but now I've changed" and got 142 likes in 12 hours.

So no, I don't miss it at all.

I'm rural which I don't think you are, but mine is Country Partners. No doubt you would get more options living in the city or near one

@lollipopcastle89 and @Boabcc i completely agree with you on not being able to forge a connection that is not centered on looks on apps, and in my current lifestage where i am time poor. I wondered if I should try speed dating events (there seem to be many around- I live and work in London) - but havent heard great things of those either, and probably need to pair up with a girlfriend to feel bold enough to attend. I suppose speed dating gives an opportunity for a quick conversation at least

On the apps, I immediately discard those with 'gym bod' pics since - no - i feel that indicates the person is not my sort. I do look for education / career as a proxy for potential to be able to speak / find common ground. By the way, using these as filtering criteria was very unpopular on another mumsnet thread I read since it was classed elitist. But we aren't playing a woke game here, just trying to find someone we can have engaging conversations, and eventually sex with.

OP, I instantly filter out naked tops, tattoos, hi vis vests, spelling mistakes and photos in loos. No judgement from me.

I feel your pain but in other news I have a room available in my Convent for you 😉

Frankly if I ever go back to dating I’d probably ditch the apps and just join local activity groups + go to pubs more often.

My short stint in the apps made me die a little inside.

The problem you've got is that at this point.of your life, most decent men are taken.

In your 20s, there's lots of blokes around that just haven't find the right person yet. In your late 40s, the "nothing fundamentally wrong with the people in the marriage but just grew apart" crowd start appearing. In your 30s, you've mostly got the dregs. The ones that are single because they're just spectacularly crap. There will be the occasional bloke who comes on the market because his wife died very young, or had an affair. But they're in the minority, and they get picked up quickly.

This is why you need hobbies, and you need friends who know you're looking. The apps aren't going to work for these men, they're not on the market long enough to join an app. You need an in, a mutual friend who goes "Ooh, have you met Steve?" before Steve is even contemplating dating.

I say this as a 40 odd year old man. The guys I know who are still on the apps, you just don't want to know them. You need the ones who are going to start appearing over the next few years. And for that, you need a network of talent scouts.

@lollipopcastle89
“I suppose speed dating gives an opportunity for a quick conversation at least.”

I think speed dating probably does have one thing going for it — you actually get to hear someone speak, see how they come across and whether there’s any natural chemistry, even if it’s only for a few minutes.
That’s the bit apps seem to struggle with. You can filter people down on paper, but some of the things that make someone attractive or interesting don’t really show up in a profile.
I suppose the tricky part is finding a way to meet people where there’s enough structure to feel comfortable, but still enough real conversation for something genuine to develop.
I’d be interested to know whether anyone here has actually tried speed dating and found it better than the apps?

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I am mid 40s myself and my age filters on apps go up till 50. I havent met the "nothing fundamentally wrong but grew apart" group. Where are they? Probably taking care of their children on weekends, though, not doing hobbies.

The problem with hobby groups is (while they may be fun from a non dating perspective), the odds of actually finding someone are super low. Some of the married men i know play padel or football - usually with other men, so i don't really know what sort of mixed gender hobby groups will a large % of men, ideally single. Book clubs and some local meetup groups are full of women.

I might have better luck at singles' nights in bars, or pub quizzes, perhaps. One to consider.

Your comment on 'talent scouts' made me think of the good old days of professional and amateur matchmakers - snoopy ladies who were socially connected in communities - i am generalising. Let's bring them back! Since my (nearly entirely) married friends have never managed to introduce me to anyone single.

@4eversinglemuminterestingly I was talking to my parents about how their divorced and single friends met people in their 40s and I loved their response! This was the 80s-90s the height of the dinner party! People would socialise in couples much more and if they had a single friend they’d still be invited and then if my mum and dad knew of a single man they’d invite him too! Nowadays dinner parties don’t really seem to be a thing and I can certainly say that as a social single woman in my 40s, I’m never invited to events that consist of couples. I’d love it if my friends would set me up - but they never do!!

Online dating is a numbers game unfortunately. I am 47 and met my partner online 5 years ago. I have a good career, well educated independent and quite ambitious. No kids and that seemed to be a red flag for some guys.

Over the years I met lovely guys I didn’t have a spark for, guys who messed me about and guys who felt sexual messages were acceptable

I started with a strict criteria, with what I assumed was financial compatibility and older kids, but was limited. I lowered my criteria as I was being picky and judge without meeting people which was unfair and started matching with lots of guys I actually got on with.

After 4 years I did give control of my profile to my friend. She matched with DP. I don’t think I would have. But his messages were nice, asked questions. Met him and looks wise not my typical type, but we talked and laughed for hours. He grew on me, I always wanted to spend time with him and there was something there. he was funny, kind and a gentleman. I felt comfortable instead of this instant spark I was looking for.

5 years later and I love him. We live together and do lots of fun stuff. He has learned to love food and I have learned to enjoy random holidays. We are growing together.

there is no quick fix, just need to get out there.

Interesting, yes, but not such a high earner that the man feels outdone. And a lot of them are horrendously competitive.

I, too, have drawn a blank after five years of being single.

Dating apps; dire, as per all PP descriptions

Dating events; often heavily populated by women, and men that wouldn’t get picked on a dating app due to their appearance (& lack of care about it) and poor social/conversational skills

Matchmaker: £25,000 for a guaranteed 5 dates over the course of 6 months. However, on further investigation it turned out they didn’t have any men on their books, just women, all of whom were searching for similar men and some of whom were younger, more attractive, more accomplished and if the matchmaker did go out into the wild and hunt down a unicorn man, those women (who had been on the books for longer) would get first bite of the cherry. A bit like a recruitment consultant, trying to find the same candidate that 200 companies want to hire.
The matchmaker encouraged me to go for men in their 60s (I was in my 40s), or manage a long-distance relationship with a man in NYC, when I was a solo parent to two kids in the UK - not sure how that would work 🤔

Hobbies; I have many. And have been approached by men in their 20s, 30s & 40s. But all were looking for marriage and kids in the long term (or for me/another woman to raise their kids I.e. nanny with a fanny). So ultimately it meant they wanted sex from me (a middle aged woman no longer able to have kids) until they found someone for a permanent relationship - I’m not interested in that.

Talent scout via friends; none of my friends have decent, single men friends. Seriously, ask around and look around, do you have any? Do you work with any? Do hobbies with any? On two occasions I was told about a man who would be “coming onto the dating scene soon” as their marriages were ending for “amicable reasons”. In both cases it turned out that the marriage was broken because the men had been having an affair with the woman that they are now in a relationship with (so went straight from marriage home to OW’s home) so never were actually single, just hadn’t wanted people to know they were cheating.

However, it’s possible to have a happy life without a man, and I would rather do that than lower my standards. Maybe unicorns do exist, but I have yet to see one.

@TurtleMcTurtle thank you for sharing your experience- it does fill me with dread 😔im not comfortable dating men who are much younger or much older than me but perhaps I need to relax the lower age bar. I did meet some men in their early 30s but they bordered on incels and a couple were looking for a sugar mummy. Might have been the exception.

Has any woman here tried matrimonial websites if these exist? Just as a proxy for finding people looking for a steady relationship? although I will run miles from the idea of considering marriage, given the legal and financial hassle my divorce posed for me (narrowly escaped having to pay alimony to my ex).

I matched with 3 people on bumble yesterday. One of them lived 1.5 hours outside london- not a commute i can see myself making - i know this sounds picky. Another had noted he was looking for an LTR (im up there with the OLD lingo now) but within the first couple of messages said he needed something "low drama and super casual". The third turned out to be married - hadnt noted this on his profile of course, but perhaps I should be grateful he didn't waste my time by revealing this after a date, which has happened a couple of times in the past.

I’d be interested to know whether anyone here has actually tried speed dating and found it better than the apps?

I have, although in rather unusual circumstances. I was there to provide moral support for a friend who was too shy to go on her own. I was already in a relationship.

I was actually quite impressed. You got to actually meet the real people. There wasn’t the pressure of a date following an online match because you were only together for a few minute to chat. Long enough to get a reasonable idea of whether or not you were interested or not.

On the other hand, the fact that it is face to face it can make it even more demoralising than online dating. My friend got no interest at all and wasn’t happy.

Man here.

I had success with Hinge and Bumble despite being over 50 and living in an awkward location, but it took a while. I wasn't interested in anything casual, so took things very slowly and got to know people as friends to minimise the odds of getting into doomed relationships.

Just be patient and above all remain true to yourself.

Good luck!

Was the height the only thing you changed? (You mention being too short so I assume you aren't 6'4".)

That's kind of what I'm saying though. The decent men I know who are finding themselves single aren't jumping on the apps. They're generally a bit too bruised from the end of their relationship to be looking for something new straight away.

And they never get to the point of getting on the apps, because they're getting a constant barrage of "Oh, you should really meet Claire" from mutual friends right up to the moment they decide they're ready to date, and so they do meet Claire, and Claire snatches them up because like you, she knows that decent single men are like gold dust.