Boyfriend said relationships take up too much time and it has stung

[VisageVisage]

With new boyfriend for 10 months ish. All going OK, some "teething problems", as he put it. We've fallen out but always sorted it out. Won't go into the falling outs here, if at all, not sure they are all that relevant to the issue at hand, but are definitely now more at the forefront of my mind since he said this.

I've been staying at his house since Saturday night. It kind of just happened, I had today off work, also have tomorrow off. He's at work but is usually back by 4 pm. I'm part-time carer to my elderly mother, she's 88, and spend a lot of time helping her, arranging appointments, sorting out groceries and meals. Lost Dad a few years ago so she is very much alone as my siblings are miles away and never call or make an effort. It's all on me. I always call her twice a day at least.

Not even sure the carer part is relevant, just for background.. I do share a lot of my concerns and the situation with him though and there has been a lot of stress around it all lately, so I'm aware I might be taking up his time talking about it and/or adding to his stress. He is usually very supportive, a good listener, lots of hugs and very practical wanting to help me as much as he can as he drives and I don't. Today I was upset and again, he was, as ever, supportive. The conversation kind of went from Mum, my duties and stresses, the good and the bad, and he said how important it is to have a supportive and kind partner.

Then it flowed into his job, how he feels he never has time to develop himself in terms of his own personal interests, which are painting, sculpture, Open University, quite a few things. He mentions this a LOT. He has his hands full, pending house move, he is buying somewhere nice to go though next month and I have helped him a lot with the paperwork. He's also helping his adult children with their grandchildren, but different stressors. Caring for elderly frail parents is something else. But on the theme of never enough time, he mentioned his grandchildren, his job.... and then he said... "relationships, of course, they take up a lot of time.".

It really stung, I noticed he quickly said "well I don't mean you personally, but any relationship I have been in has taken up my time." I offered to give him space to do his things that are so important to him and that maybe we do spend too much time together, it's usually a once a week stay over, one or two nights. He insisted he didn't want that.

It was just the way it came out. He's gone to bed now, I'm sitting here wondering whether I've been too sensitive given the issues with my Mum and maybe oversharing with him. My gut feeling is to back off a bit. I need a lot of time alone myself but I wouldn't have expressed myself the way he did.

Just feel like going home.

If he is an ex smoker the cough is likely to be genuine and likely why he is being called for screening. Most smokers cough seems to happen on waking.
And the loud TV could be a hearing issue and maybe he's so used to it when he's alone he doesn't realise how loud it actually is. Every relationship has issues with something a partner does that is annoying but not done maliously

I’d dump him for the mentionitis alone. I can’t stand that

Well time to move on. You’ve ended it now so can have your peace and freedom back.

Yesterday he knew I was resting but he still blasted the television, despite us having a conversation about it. He has a bass boosting speaker and it booms throughout the entire house. Last night I slept for over 12 hours, I was so exhausted from the constant disturbance.

I find it thoughtless that he forgets we have even had a conversation, and not all that long ago, about noise and rest.

He is on medication that may cause the cough actually as a side effect, however, I notice he rarely, if ever, coughs when he is downstairs. It always seems to be around me when I am sleeping.

... he forgets that I hate the booming television if I'm trying to sleep.... he doesn't even think to close the doors, which would make a little difference. But he can remember infinite details about his exes. Probably this is one of the reasons he was single in the first place! 😂

Yes. It's every time we're together. Never a single occasion that we meet is the ex wife not brought up in some way or other. The relationship ended years and years ago.

I think he was trying to get you to leave without saying it.

I would absolutely go home

You always have good insight, thank you.

Brilliant!

This is a great list, thank you. I'll be back once I finish work.

I came home as soon as I woke up, got a super early night, just exhausted. Woke around midnight to texts from him asking how I am, did I get the work issue sorted, how are things. I just can't be arsed to even respond at this point. I want space from him to sort it out in my head. My gut is telling me it's over, not going anywhere, incompatible. I also think he wanted me to leave without actually saying it.

Just been onto Instagram and noticed... and this is since I went to his house on Saturday, that he is now following two new pages for bikini models. So he has either done this whilst I have been at his place and went to bed before me, or since I came home yesterday.

This is also another reason to break up because he has not been initiating sex with me. He is affectionate, hugs and kisses, but seems totally uninterested in actual sex with me. He was meant to have blood tests and further investigation but he hasn't bothered. We talked about this again a few weeks ago, I asked him how often he thought about sex, wanted it... and he said practically never. I am not the same. But I have never gone on and on about it. I accepted that he was a good person and cared about me and that sex is not the most important thing.

Now I see he's having sex with the internet, just not with me.

So our relationship is taking too much time away from his masturbation. The second I'm out of his way, that much is becoming clear. Not sure he even fancies me at all after all of this.

He sounds whiney and uncouth, and a bit of a bore.
There is something so tedious about people who go on about their art/ music/sport and creativity from years ago, as if it makes them interesting 🙄.

You are too good for him.

The amount of middle aged man in these threads who can’t have sex and then follow bikini models on Instagram…,,

I've just had a chat with him and he's lied to me about the Instagram. Says they are accounts that just "pop up".

I ended it and he's begged me not to, "I thought you were my woman".....

Pathetic.

But you are not his woman. He just wants the comfort of you around.
Edited to add: I have worked using Instagram and you don’t follow anyone by accident.
The algorithm sends you more of what you search for. Mine is currently pasta recipes and DIY.
His is sending him bikini models and because he’s followed two they have sent some more.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with a sort of swimsuit model, for an example a high fashion model wearing a swimsuit in Vogue. But then there are others who use it as a store front for Only Fans. They tend to look like plastic dolls.
Either way he’s minimising it.

They may 'pop up' but a) that didn't happen out of nowhere and b) he didn't have to then follow them. That would be it for me too, i have no interest in a grown man who follows bikini models online, it's so grim and unattractive. A friend's husband has all sorts of scantily clad and suggestive instagram accounts that he follows and I find the publicness/shamlessness of it very icky personally.

Hope you're doing OK op

Thanks. I'm OK. Better now I really understand the situation. I think he may have wanted me out of the way so he could masturbate. I was in the way.

He told me he never really thinks about sex. That he has a really low sex drive.

Relationships take a lot of time but w@@@@g to online women doesn't I suppose.

NEXT! A REAL man... who wants me. And doesn't think I'm getting in the way of his art.... I mean, MASTURBATION 😂

bit of a leap to say he is masturbating all the time now based on adding bikini models

He never wants sex.

You're well rid.

The snoring, coughing, thrashing around and whining alone was enough.

Enjoy your blissful nights sleep tonight 😊

So many have damaged their own cocks by gripping too hard while wanking and now they can’t have actual sex.

It’s a common thing now.

Ok, so I've ended it. I can't bear the thought of him now, never mind the sight of him, but your reply was so helpful that I really had to acknowledge it properly!

it takes a very decent and sturdy person to support someone who is a carer for an elderly parent. Your time doing that could possibly expand further over time - how would he cope with that?

Thank you, I appreciate that. I couldn't do anything different. I love my parents more than anything or anyone else. I do know he was supportive of me doing that but I also wondered how he would be if I needed to give Mum more time

relationships do take up time but blimey it’s not like you like together and spend
24/7 together.

We This is the first time that I've spent more than two nights on the trot with him. It's usually a visit and I come back home, or stay one night and then head back. He certainly had plenty of time to himself and now he has all the time he wants!

the coughing and banging about I call Eternal Bachelor Syndrome. If he ain’t changed it by now, then it will never alter.

I find it so rude that he had been told on more than one occasion that he was disturbing me, but either forgot, didn't care or wanted to wake me.

in a short space of time you have also moved to being quasi housemates. No dates. No spark. You doing his bloody paperwork. It should be more fun than that.

I know. He wanted to save money with the pending large outlay on the new house. It wasn't all helping him of course, we did have some laughs, but the lack of intimacy, the endless referencing the two exes and then the complaining about his time was really starting to get to me.

he is not fulfilling his potential. He’s a middle aged man with a job, home and responsibilities. He’s not Banksy.

Just BRILLIANTLY said!

and after all that he mentions you moving in with him. Of course he does, he doesn’t even have to change beds and gets the bed to himself due to his snoring. It is that same time he’s stretched himself to thinly in terms of finances and you could be the solution.

I was beginning to wonder whether he had an eye on my income for the future and given my usual easy going nature about pretty much everything. Oh well, it will never happen now!

the only thing I wouldn’t react too much over is the odd mention of an ex or keeping a gift. Trying to wipe away a past life doesn’t work. It’s how he treats you now that matters. And stop the one hour massages as well!

It was all the time though. We couldn't go out to anywhere without him mentioning he had been there with the ex, done this, done that. Every opportunity! Started to feel like negging.

Like another poster said about parenting becoming a verb, things we used to think of as being good, relaxing parts of our lives have now become work. My greatgrandparents (in bothe countries!) would have thought it incredible people would attend therapy and talk about "working" on a relationship-you just got married and supported each other and that was it.
Now there's all the therapy speak, if a man buys too many presents he's love bombing, if not he's a tight git, if a woman texts too much she's annoying etc etc.

Don't think it's really bad that he's said it, it just how it is.

Glad you've given him the big E, @VisageVisage he sounded insufferable.

What struck me was:

Then it flowed into his job, how he feels he never has time to develop himself in terms of his own personal interests, which are painting, sculpture, Open University, quite a few things. He mentions this a LOT. He has his hands full, pending house move, he is buying somewhere nice to go though next month and I have helped him a lot with the paperwork. He's also helping his adult children with their grandchildren, but different stressors.

it was aaaaall about him, his life, his house, he sounds utterly self-absorbed.

good riddance, onwards and upwards!