Boyfriend said relationships take up too much time and it has stung

[VisageVisage]

With new boyfriend for 10 months ish. All going OK, some "teething problems", as he put it. We've fallen out but always sorted it out. Won't go into the falling outs here, if at all, not sure they are all that relevant to the issue at hand, but are definitely now more at the forefront of my mind since he said this.

I've been staying at his house since Saturday night. It kind of just happened, I had today off work, also have tomorrow off. He's at work but is usually back by 4 pm. I'm part-time carer to my elderly mother, she's 88, and spend a lot of time helping her, arranging appointments, sorting out groceries and meals. Lost Dad a few years ago so she is very much alone as my siblings are miles away and never call or make an effort. It's all on me. I always call her twice a day at least.

Not even sure the carer part is relevant, just for background.. I do share a lot of my concerns and the situation with him though and there has been a lot of stress around it all lately, so I'm aware I might be taking up his time talking about it and/or adding to his stress. He is usually very supportive, a good listener, lots of hugs and very practical wanting to help me as much as he can as he drives and I don't. Today I was upset and again, he was, as ever, supportive. The conversation kind of went from Mum, my duties and stresses, the good and the bad, and he said how important it is to have a supportive and kind partner.

Then it flowed into his job, how he feels he never has time to develop himself in terms of his own personal interests, which are painting, sculpture, Open University, quite a few things. He mentions this a LOT. He has his hands full, pending house move, he is buying somewhere nice to go though next month and I have helped him a lot with the paperwork. He's also helping his adult children with their grandchildren, but different stressors. Caring for elderly frail parents is something else. But on the theme of never enough time, he mentioned his grandchildren, his job.... and then he said... "relationships, of course, they take up a lot of time.".

It really stung, I noticed he quickly said "well I don't mean you personally, but any relationship I have been in has taken up my time." I offered to give him space to do his things that are so important to him and that maybe we do spend too much time together, it's usually a once a week stay over, one or two nights. He insisted he didn't want that.

It was just the way it came out. He's gone to bed now, I'm sitting here wondering whether I've been too sensitive given the issues with my Mum and maybe oversharing with him. My gut feeling is to back off a bit. I need a lot of time alone myself but I wouldn't have expressed myself the way he did.

Just feel like going home.

You could suggest a pottery class together to reignite his love for his hobby. Or suggest a phone free weekend and try out something new.

Edited to say sounds like you're giving him lots of opportunities

I often feel like that too. We are both early fifties. I would never live with someone again, I love my peace and quiet too much.

I think we need a break from each other. I'm heading to London soon for a big work meeting and a course and I do need to prepare and ensure care is in place for my parent also.

I am also neglecting my own hobbies. I used to do triathlons, I also love to draw, paint, I have my fingers in so many pies. I would like to travel to family in Ireland and Scotland and have put all of that on hold for various reasons.

He's talking about me moving in with him, but that's simply crazy at this stage.

moving house is one of the most stressful things we can do. thankfully it’s a one off.

caring responsibilities for adults/disabled relatives/kids/grandkids etc are stressful and time consuming too. i also have them.

sounds like things have been weighing both of you down.

id step back from helping him as he maybe doesn’t appreciate it as much as he could. go back to not seeing him for a bit as you used to. i think hes just overwhelmed and needs breathing space.

with regard to your caring responsibilities, is your mum getting all the Benefits she could?

mine now gets more and i use a laundrette now for all her sheets etc as it takes the burden off me. same with housework soon as i’m looking for a cleaner.

this domestic stuff seems to fall to nearby daughters but why should it? we only get one life. i’d prefer to spend it in coffee shops with my parent when i go see her, not on my knees scrubbing a kitchen floor not even in the same room together!

make some changes for you and free up some time if you can. see how it goes with him once he’s moved and thinfs are on an even keel. it could be you split up but i think it’s just the house thats the issue.

I agree with PPs that you don't seem to be happy with him in general, but I don't actually think there was anything wrong with what he said, it's just a statement of fact and it sounds like he was keen to reassure you and emphasise he didn't want less time together when you suggested that. It may be that he is also trying to justify to himself why he doesn't do his art. I also agree with him that it's not just something you can dive into at the moment someone says right, I'm leaving you to do it, especially if your head hasn't been in it for a while.

I’m with @BeEagerRubyBird - i don’t think he said anything particularly wrong; you’ve said you don’t want to live with him and are happy seeing him every 10 days or so so that you can focus on your interests and hobbies. That seems to me to be an acknowledgment that relationships take time.

You sound worn out but you also sound so irritated with him and so negative about him - more as if you’d had decades at the coalface together and were going through a rough patch - not really at all how you should be feeling about someone only 10 months in if a relationship is going to work. I’m sure he would be pretty horrified if he saw how you have written about him here. I don’t think this relationship has a future.

Hmm well you know the context and the tone behind it, I wasn't there.

It sounds like you're not feeling valued in this relationship in general, maybe it's time to move on.

He sounds stifled and you sound like you don’t like him much. This is not a runner. I thought from posts that you were younger than 50s as well. Life is too short, get rid and free up your time as well.

Ugh.

I don't know about artists but I know there are tons of "writers" who never actually write anything but think if only they did, they'd be a bestseller, then blame other people for that not happening. He sounds like one of them.

That performative coughing to wake you up would really piss me off. I'd tell him he sounds like a very old man who's smoked since he was 11 and that you're worried about him and recommend a doctor.

He isn’t wrong. He sounds from
the OP a nice guy. You not driving can’t help. But he isn’t for you so I think time to split

Yes, the "if only I had the time to do this, the opportunity, I could really express myself", but then when he's alone, he doesn't bother to take even the tiniest steps towards it.

And the coughing..... just WTAF.... he wants me to wake up. Either for attention or to piss me off. Or to get me to go back home...

The driving is irrelevant as we live quite close to each other. He doesn't even need a car to get to work really.

"You could suggest a pottery class together to reignite his love for his hobby. Or suggest a phone free weekend and try out something new"

It's not OP's responsibility to do HIS mental and emotional labour around his own art.

Women do far too much of this pandering and centering of men already, it insidiously drains MASSES of our time and energy. No wonder women increasingly want to live on their own.

OP, he sounds like a low effort guy. He put in some effort to get you keen and attached but is tiring of it. That's why he wants you to move in - so you can keep doing all you're doing and he can stop making an effort.

Maybe you should withdraw somewhat until you reach the point you don't feel infringed on or manipulated or pissed off by him. Perhaps you've been spending too much time together, or you're just not compatible.

Have you just been there since Saturday? If so yes he probably wants you to leave?

It sounds more like he just made an observation and you're adding your own backstory and projecting your own worries onto it. If he wasn't aware of the effort required then it would be an issue, or if he wasn't prepared to put the effort in that would also be problematic, but I don't see that from what you've said.

But you seem to have other issues unrelated to his comment which may need addressing.

Saturday night from 8 pm. I helped him for several hours with his legal stuff on Sunday and then yesterday again signing and posting it all off.

Yeah and that was really good of you, but it does sound like he wants his space back a bit.

Oddly he's just offered to cook me dinner again to thank me.

Wonder if I am misunderstanding it all. Arghhhhhhhhhhh.

You don't have to say yes to the dinner. The coughing to wake me up would be a deal-breaker for me. Have you actually raised that with him? His response would be interesting. None of it sounds very fun or fulfilling.

I think I'll decline. I'm really tired from staying up late, thinking hard and then being rudely awoken.

I have brought up his noisiness before and it did get better. Now it's almost as if we never had the conversation. He used to smoke over 20 years ago and is going to have an NHS lung screening in a couple of weeks. Apparently it's a newish thing to screen former smokers, He only seems to cough in the morning though and whenever he's close to where I'm sleeping. It IS a dealbreaker actually.

I mean, I thought this. I'd probably feel like that.

Regardless, you've clearly gone off him. He won't be able to do right from wrong now.

I didn't feel well earlier, I was still at his place and had to lie down. He came back from work while I was upstairs sleeping and put the TV on full blast with the living room door open.

I got up, got my things together and he said but what about dinner? I explained about my feelings over what he said last night and the noise he makes. He said he's not even aware that he's doing it. Obviously I can't be a fly on the wall, so I have no idea if he coughs his lungs up going up and down the stairs at 6 am when nobody else is there or not. As for the TV getting blasted, he thinks he might be going deaf. I have noticed he says "what..?" quite often when I speak to him.

I told him we both needed space and that he needs time alone to finish packing the house up, maybe getting arty stuff done, to just do his own thing and he seemed genuinely upset that I wouldn't stay for dinner. Said I've misunderstood him, taken it all the wrong way. That he was enjoying my company since the weekend. I said that either way, we both need time to do our own thing and I have a list as long as both my legs of jobs undone, work to prepare for, my course and my Mum.

We left it on a kind and friendly note, he kept saying about taking our relationship to the next level, but now I've got back into my own place, I feel like I can breathe and focus again.

Perhaps we are both more alike than I care to admit. The dreadful noise making is not how I carry on though. And there are still other issues. I know he's basically a good person though. I think I am past living with someone, I have my Mum. It would benefit him more to have me move in with him and I don't want that. I don't see that happening ever. With any man.

I am a few years older than you so here are my thoughts:

1. it takes a very decent and sturdy person to support someone who is a carer for an elderly parent. Your time doing that could possibly expand further over time - how would he cope with that?
2. relationships do take up time but blimey it’s not like you like together and spend 24/7 together.
3. the coughing and banging about I call Eternal Bachelor Syndrome. If he ain’t changed it by now, then it will never alter.
4. in a short space of time you have also moved to being quasi housemates. No dates. No spark. You doing his bloody paperwork. It should be more fun than that.
5. he is not fulfilling his potential. He’s a middle aged man with a job, home and responsibilities. He’s not Banksy.
6. and after all that he mentions you moving in with him. Of course he does, he doesn’t even have to change beds and gets the bed to himself due to his snoring. It is that same time he’s stretched himself to thinly in terms of finances and you could be the solution.
7. the only thing I wouldn’t react too much over is the odd mention of an ex or keeping a gift. Trying to wipe away a past life doesn’t work. It’s how he treats you now that matters. And stop the one hour massages as well!

Imagine how annoying the coughing and deafness will be after 2 or 3 years of living together - it will drive you barmy and you won't be able to escape it.

I have decided I am never living with someone again - I never want to share a bed, snoring and sweaty heat no thanks.

If I ever have a relationship again it will be separate houses, separate lives - just dates and fun and the occasional late night shenanigans.

10 months is way too early to even contemplate living together - perhaps after 5 or 6 years if you really want to by then (once you know all each other's quirks, habits, ebbs and flows), I bet by then you'll be done with it to be honest 😄

he is not fulfilling his potential. He’s a middle aged man with a job, home and responsibilities. He’s not Banksy.

😄

On the days you aren't there, does he get any 'himself' time to do his hobbies, or are those days being occupied by kids, grandkids, other family members. If the latter he needs to set himself a 'me' day to do his hobbies, then maybe he won't feel all the relationship dynamics are consuming him. His kids are adults now and should be able to sort themselves out without relying on dad all the time, his parents and your mother, could you look at a part time carer each to give you both some respite / down time