Boyfriend said relationships take up too much time and it has stung

[VisageVisage]

With new boyfriend for 10 months ish. All going OK, some "teething problems", as he put it. We've fallen out but always sorted it out. Won't go into the falling outs here, if at all, not sure they are all that relevant to the issue at hand, but are definitely now more at the forefront of my mind since he said this.

I've been staying at his house since Saturday night. It kind of just happened, I had today off work, also have tomorrow off. He's at work but is usually back by 4 pm. I'm part-time carer to my elderly mother, she's 88, and spend a lot of time helping her, arranging appointments, sorting out groceries and meals. Lost Dad a few years ago so she is very much alone as my siblings are miles away and never call or make an effort. It's all on me. I always call her twice a day at least.

Not even sure the carer part is relevant, just for background.. I do share a lot of my concerns and the situation with him though and there has been a lot of stress around it all lately, so I'm aware I might be taking up his time talking about it and/or adding to his stress. He is usually very supportive, a good listener, lots of hugs and very practical wanting to help me as much as he can as he drives and I don't. Today I was upset and again, he was, as ever, supportive. The conversation kind of went from Mum, my duties and stresses, the good and the bad, and he said how important it is to have a supportive and kind partner.

Then it flowed into his job, how he feels he never has time to develop himself in terms of his own personal interests, which are painting, sculpture, Open University, quite a few things. He mentions this a LOT. He has his hands full, pending house move, he is buying somewhere nice to go though next month and I have helped him a lot with the paperwork. He's also helping his adult children with their grandchildren, but different stressors. Caring for elderly frail parents is something else. But on the theme of never enough time, he mentioned his grandchildren, his job.... and then he said... "relationships, of course, they take up a lot of time.".

It really stung, I noticed he quickly said "well I don't mean you personally, but any relationship I have been in has taken up my time." I offered to give him space to do his things that are so important to him and that maybe we do spend too much time together, it's usually a once a week stay over, one or two nights. He insisted he didn't want that.

It was just the way it came out. He's gone to bed now, I'm sitting here wondering whether I've been too sensitive given the issues with my Mum and maybe oversharing with him. My gut feeling is to back off a bit. I need a lot of time alone myself but I wouldn't have expressed myself the way he did.

Just feel like going home.

Well, if you feel upset, then just feel that. I don't think what he said was a dealbreaker or hints at that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. Let it blow over. But it would help to know how far apart you live. You say you don't drive. Does he have to take on a lot of that to pick you up each time you see each other, or do you part of the time take public transportation to meet up? Do you go out on dates or is it that you always just spend the night at his place one or two nights? Do you work full time? Has there been any talks of what the future plan will be if you're still together another year or two?

I don't know if you each put in equal effort for daily communication and arranging dates. If you do more of that, maybe ease back and see if he begins making effort or lets things fade away.

I think you're putting undue weight on what he said and I doubt it was intended that way.

Sleep on it. Don't do anything drastic. Things will probably look better in the morning.

Are you taking relationships to really mean romantic relationships I.e. you? I have no time to pursue my hobbies because my relationships (kids and other family members including husband) use up all my time. I might briefly lament that but I don't resent it, nor would I change it.

We live a ten minute drive apart. I often get the bus to his place, well, it's two buses, but not an issue. He insists on picking me up, which is very nice.

We both put in equal effort at communication. I think dates have tailed off a bit as he's trying to save money for the house move and isn't keen on going out. I enjoy going out much more, but come to his place because he seems to prefer that. I work part-time and am also a carer to an elderly parent.

We have talked about the future but I don't want to live together. I want a relationship but would like to retain my own home.

Go home and think about this carefully
he’s selfish and has no concept of your situation and I personally wouldn’t want that.

He did add that he meant his exes, his ex wife and girlfriends..... then he added his daughters, their children etc etc... Just the way it came out made it feel as if I was a burden and he should be on his potter's wheel, not enjoying dinner with me.

Thank you, that's my gut feeling.

Just got an email from work, I work with different time zones, so a problem to sort out. I'll have to stay put for the next few hours, but that's fine. He's fast asleep so I'm not disturbing him or taking any of his potential arty time!

Hmm, well if that's the vibe you got then that's not great. I'd sleep on it and have a more frank chat later. His response will be telling. He's not exactly wrong because of course if we had no relationships and all the time on the world we'd get more done. But you can't say that to a partner and not expect them to feel devalued. The relationship should mean more than the other stuff. I suppose ex relationships generally don't feel worth it as they ended, so you're definitely more inclined to view them as a waste of time. If he meant that but said it clumsily then he should be happy to reassure you that he values his time with you. If he won't do that and finds your feelings annoying then that's not on.

"some "teething problems", as he put it. We've fallen out but always sorted it out. Won't go into the falling outs here, if at all, not sure they are all that relevant to the issue at hand, but are definitely now more at the forefront of my mind since he said this."

It'd probably help to tell us about these "teething problems".

I would also be offended at the implication that I'm burdensome though, he can get stuffed and be all alone with his potter's wheel if that's how he feels. Sounds a bit negging

Thanks. Well early on he kept harping on about a woman he dated seriously before me who lived on the Welsh border. We are in North Yorkshire so no mean feat to keep visiting her. They met on some dating site or other. So this was just before his divorce, but he had been separated for several years already. She drove up to him sometimes every other weekend until apparently Covid knocked it on the head. It seemed as if he had mentionitis about her, it drove me nuts, and I noticed one day he was scrolling through her Facebook page.

I had it out with him and he apologised. I caught him doing it again and let it go. Assumed he was just "curious".... he stopped mentioning her as much and now he never talks about her at all. He has a couple of glass ornaments she bought him in his living room on display still though. They are very pretty. They weren't together longer than a year but he seemed very fixated on her.

He also mentions his ex wife a lot. That I can kind of understand, but today I was telling him about my friend who works for a highly specialised women's charitable organisation that helps single mothers. How she is struggling with her own caring responsibilities at home with her aging parents, her youngish son, perimenopause... and he brought up his ex wife.... how she worked for a men's charity that helped men sort themselves out from substance abuse but she didn't last long there and on and on and on.... He does it a lot.

Again, at first, I called him out on it and he apologised. It's almost like a bad habit but I wonder how much of my situation he is in fact taking in and understanding rather than comparing me to her... them.... his own life. And the referring back to previous partners is, to a certain extent, insulting.

"I would also be offended at the implication that I'm burdensome though, he can get stuffed and be all alone with his potter's wheel if that's how he feels. Sounds a bit negging".

Yep. This with knobs on!! Especially after I have literally given him at least 3 to 4 days of my own free time to help him with his legal paperwork!!!

Personally I wouldn't overthink it. Relationships do take up time! He also said grandchildren take up time, that doesn't mean he doesn't like his grandchildren. Discussing out loud "where is all my time going" doesn't mean the places it's going are negative things.

So I was up until 2 am sorting out the work issue. I got into the spare bed, always do as he snores and thrashes about a lot. Heard him get up around 5.30 for work and he came up the stairs at least twice and coughed so loudly, like I am dying cough, coming up and down and stopped when he was downstairs. Felt like a huge f@@@ you after last night, but then some people here think I'm overthinking his comment. He doesn't have a cold. This is something he does. The coughing when I'm sleeping.

He knew I would be up till late. I've noticed he does this if I'm still in bed and he's just getting up.

Your posts have become increasingly critical of him. I think you do not really like him and you already know this relationship has run its course.

You may well be right. He's showing me parts of himself that I'm really not keen on.

Snoring he can't help. The coughing around at 6 am outside my door and the mentionitis are making me really dislike him.

Really sorry OP, but I think this relationship has run its course. There isn’t anything in what you’ve posted here that indicates it has a warm and positive future that both people in it are looking forward to with love and enjoyment. Hope you can find a way to move forward that feels honest and authentic for both of you, whether that’s together or separately.

It felt insulting because I spent hours over the weekend on his paperwork, then had a bit of an elderly parent crisis and then work and to frame his time disappearing negatively, that he needs to develop himself and reach his full potential, as he keeps putting it, but the time...... the inference....well it is actually stated, is that everything else, including his relationships, take him away from his arty pursuits.

Ironically though he spends a lot of his actual free time watching TV, doom scrolling and napping!

Sounds like you both have a lot of stressful stuff on and spend a lot of time together sharing that.

Do you ever spend time when it's just the two of you, relaxing, not sharing all the life admin stuff? Is there any room at all for you just to be the two of you doing something wonderful? If not, it's possible to see how with kids, house moves, jobs, no time for hobbies life could seem full for both of you.

Personally I would go bananas if I didn't have just some time to myself, doing my own hobbies or just having a clear head. No detriment at all to my beloved DH in this - we all just need quiet time.

It all sounds very doom and gloom for such a new relationship. You have only dated for a matter of months and you have already had several arguments and it sounds like you are in some weird competition about who has it hardest and that you lean on each other for emotional support far too much. Where is the fun, the dates, the care, the love?

My initial thought from your op is that it sounds like he’s burning the candle a bit to much at the moment, about to move house, looking after grandchildren, working etc and he hasn’t had much downtime recently to do any hobbies, or things he’d like to do.

Reading on, all these little extra things are adding up and beginning to annoy you, and is giving you the ick.

We do relax together. I pamper him with massages every time I see him, half an hour to one hour. We watch a lot of comedy on iplayer etc. Go on nice walks. It's not all stressful and like you, I need my time alone. A lot of it. I prefer to see him once a week or once every ten days sometimes. I've spent a lot of time lately for his benefit as he couldn't handle the paperwork.

It was the way was phrased. It's not the first time he has said it either. He really emphasised it too, "RELATIONSHIPS take a lot of time"....

Honestly I think you’re being oversensitive tbh. If he’d rather do art than see you then he would - he’s an adult.

You’ve gone off him. And that’s that. Lots of men do that stupid coughing thing first thing. My husbands best friend does it every time he stays over and sounds like he’s trying to hack up a hairball.

I agree with your partner, relationships do take up a lot of time, and a lot of mental energy.
It is for this reason that I am really not looking for a relationship at all. I became single for the first time in my adult life at age 46 and I have gradually realised that I no longer have the time or capacity to be dealing with someone else's life.

In fact, the thought of having someone in my space and filling my time with their thoughts, ideas, problems, chitchat and plans makes me feel positively claustrophobic. I have so many things I just want to get on with on my own: diy projects, gardening, cooking, socialising even - the thought of having to include someone else in my social plans would just complicate the beautiful simplicity of it all just being me getting myself places when I want to, with whoever I want to, if and when I want to.

How old are you both and is it possible he's just overwhelmed with all the life stuff you are sharing with him and is yearning for peace and space?

If he starts doom scrolling say you know you could be doing your art/other important hobby that a relationship prevents.
Also point out that his relationship with you has reduced the time he spent on legal paperwork as you helped him and therefore given him more time, and he should use it wisely.

He hasn't done any pottery in over 10 years he told me. He has time but he wastes it... don't we all.

One day recently I said OK, I'm going home to allow you to do your art and he said he wasn't in the right mood. I've done that a few times, to give him his space when he says about reaching his full potential, but then he never takes action.

Apparently "it doesn't work like that". I said OK, you could paint a tree today, or me.... or take your easel somewhere completely different and he said he didn't feel inspired. It's as if he wants to complain but does nothing to change it.