How seriously should I be taking this - holiday tensions affecting future plans

[lifesabeatch]

Looking for any advice please, wise Mumsnetters.

Me and DP been together for 4 years. Late 50s.We’ve just got back from holiday, taking my DS15 and a friend of his, so the four of us staying in a villa. It was hard work tbh. Pressure points were the fact that teens didn’t get up until lunchtime, we found vodka that they’d stashed after staying up very late to watch sunrise, friend was sick in a taxi one evening, both quite moody, they didn’t want to eat with us every night so they’d go off (which in some ways was a relief). DS has ADHD (as does DP’s daughter, they are quite similar in some ways), but can be quite full on, impulsive and headstrong etc.Most of it was all fairly normal teen behaviour I’d say but on holiday it’s magnified when you’re all living in close quarters. Plus I felt so responsible for everyone having a good time. I found it exhausting. DP was understanding but it did spoil the time.

Anyway, separately to that, DP and I have planned to move in together next Xmas. We both have houses, plan is that I’ll keep mine and rent it out, he will buy bigger (in his name) and we move in. His daughters are adults, one may live with us.

My issue is, during the holiday, we talked about the future etc, we’ve got a difficult 12 months ahead for various reasons, and I said to him ‘but you will be here won’t you’, and rather than an absolute ‘yes’, he started talking about the relationship with his daughters and how that came first. He was relating that to us living together. He’s never wavered before, and has been very supportive of my DS who’s had problems with school. It now feels like he’s reluctant to live together because of my son.

We’re going away again, him and I, on our own for a few days, so I’m planning to try and talk to him properly about it, but I feel massively hurt by it. The holiday was quite tricky in places, but we still had a nice time together. I’ve always felt very loved by him, he’s been super supportive of me and my son over the past 4 years, and I’m guessing he just felt a bit worn down on the holiday – but for me, it feels like we’re not good enough or something. I feel like he already holds the cards, he is much better off than me financially, and now he will use the next 12 months to ‘assess’ whether he can bear to live with us or not. I need to change this in my head otherwise it will affect how I feel about him ☹ Problem is, I had a horrible marriage with someone who was very unreliable and now I feel like he’s wavering, which means I just want to pull away for self protection.

We communicate well, so maybe we can sort it out but it feels a bit of a mess.

Lots of useful comments. I can see his side clearly, and understand it, and of course he is right to think about how things will be for his daughters. He's a great dad and naturally wants to prioritise them. I feel the same way about my son.

To the posters who talk about consequences and behaviour, all I'd say is that dealing with SEN teens is a whole different ball game. It can be immensely difficult, impossible even. 'Normal' consequences don't work. I've got friends who wrinkle their noses and say things like 'well, just MAKE him do his homework / stop vaping / take away his phone, that'll do it' - they mean well but have absolutely no clue. Which is fair enough, unless you've been through it how would you know, but the challenges are VERY different.

My son has actually since apologised, after we had a long chat last night about the holiday and the impact of his behaviour. That's a win in my book. Luckily DS cares enough about his and my relationship (thanks crap dad!) to know when I'm seriously pissed off. We talked about why it was awful for him and his friend to behave like that, and he grasped it. He has offered to apologise to my partner.

So for now, things have calmed, I hope my son has learned something, and I will talk to DP when it's just us two. The moving in can wait, we need to get through the next year first in any case, and I'll see what it all looks like next summer.

Thanks for all the helpful comments.

You are probably best waiting a few years until the kids are older. If your relationship works well now, why change it.

That sounds like a very positive conversation with your son - glad for you.

My eldest has got ADHD and no holiday was ever truly relaxing. We both struggled parenting a teen who was getting into trouble after trouble at school and the mental load never lessens. Add in someone who isn't their biological parent and hasn't gone through the same with their kids .... honestly it's not something I think I'd be prepared to take on in a relationship.

I wouldn't push this. The holiday has likely been a bit intense and maybe made him think "can I live with this". Let the dust settle, let the holiday become a distant memory and then raise it.

@lifesabeatchDo you maybe need to stop demonising his dad? What if new man cools off too? That’s two dads out of the picture. Be careful about saying how awful his dad is on repeat and how wonderful new man is. I’d dial it back a bit.

This. I do wonder if he’s feeling the pressure of being expected to be a father to her son. It may be that OP is anticipating him providing more in that area than he’s willing to give. He may see himself as a friendly adult to your son, and a support for you. Not as a coparent equally as committed to your son.

It’s unfortunate that your son has a crap dad, OP, but your partner isn’t responsible for providing him with a good one.

I would talk very seriously with your partner about where you both stand, regarding your son. You both would be very unwise to just assume you know where the other stands, but that is often what happens (and it rarely ends well).

My teenager is a fantastic person and I believe she will be a successful, independent adult, but I wouldn’t expect anyone else to be able to live with her in a position of authority. She does have SEN and that means that our family dynamic is different. Even her own father who has been here every day of her life struggles sometimes since he does not share the same diagnosis like I do.

I have some sympathy with this view but who can blame the partner for being reluctant to upend his life to take on a challenging teenager? Particularly one who is having issues at school and has ADHD - he is very likely to take longer to mature and become independent. I took on step children when they were small and cute but, honestly, I don't know that I'd have felt the same about teenagers. Not that they were awful kids at all, but the teen years are often particularly challenging in most families, let alone blended ones. That combined with how fast life flies by once you hit your 50s I don't think I would have thought it was a bad idea to wait a few years to co-habit, if I were in his shoes. @lifesabeatch you need to have a honest conversation with him and you need to accept that getting together with someone when you have a teen will, not unreasonably, change the dynamic. It doesn't mean he isn't madly passionate about you but real life has to take in all the variables.

I feel your pain and his, too. The problem with teenagers is that they're effing teenagers. Living with them is an exercise in the theater of the absurd. Most usually get better as they age. That said, teenage boys are the last to mature and if they don't fully mature, they become men you can neither stand nor live with. So, toward them maturing, you are going to have to drop the hammer and route them through behavioral modification. This is important because you want them to become functional adults.

This means work for you. Super important you do this work because they need to become functioning young men. Pick up how to books, watch videos, and consult experts. You have a very small window to make a lasting impact.

You are going to have to drop the gate and route them through behavioral modification. This is important because you want them to become thriving adults. This means work for you. Super important you do this work because they need to become functioning young men. Pick up how to books, watch videos, and consult experts. You have a very small window to make a lasting impact. Teen sleep cycles are different.

Can I ask were there any consequences to your sons behaviour or did you just accept it as ‘normal teens’ for me if there was a lack of addressing the issues I’d be wary of moving in too ?

What do you mean by “consequences”? Shouting and taking away things? As teens get older you need more nuanced ways to get them to be reasonable adults. I think some
posters with younger children don’t understand this.

Lots of people have given brilliant responses and I don't have much to add, but just want to say I really sympathise and hope things work out for you. I appreciate that, if you're struggling financially and a future of living with your DP seems financially easier, that's a huge pull forward, from your perspective. But please consider that your finances could end up worse off if you move in and then have to move out again (if things don't work out due to tensions between DS and DP), because moving is costly, not to mention stressful.

It sounds like what you could really do with is some stability and control over your own life rather than hoping someone else will save you (although I totally get how you feel - after a bad marriage, I also looked to DP to be my knight on a white horse, and most of the time he is, but also our new partners are humans in their own right, with their own life history, troubles, emotions).

It'll make you feel so much better to be the one making the decision, rather than waiting for someone else to make their verdict on you. I totally get the blow to the ego and the romantic notions (even though in reality your partner may love you very much). So, you could say 'thanks for considering, but given everything, it's a no from me.' Take control of your own situation and you will feel stronger and less rejected, if rejected at all.

Yes: bellowing out “there will
be Consequences” won’t bother a Sen teen who messes about at school. They don’t care! It has to be more constructive parenting.

Nonsense. Of course you can create boundaries and expectations with a teen with adhd. What do you think schools do? Do you think any child with a dx is doing what they want. Lots of us have a teen with adhd. It doesnt mean they are permitted to ruin other people’s holidays.

But it 100% starts in early childhood.

@LizandDerekGoals You are talking about a much wider issue! When did I say no parental requirements apply? I was referring to parents yelling out “consequences!!” in a meaningless way. It’s pointless. There needs to be a clear instruction and short explanation as to why behaviour is not acceptable. However don’t expect the Sen dc to agree or do what you want and punishment, in whatever form, may not work and get the desired outcome. It very much depends on the dc. Tolerances of behaviour vary according to each family too and the op might have run into this with her partner.

Where did I mention bellowing or shouting I just said consequences. How those are done is entirely the parents choice