How seriously should I be taking this - holiday tensions affecting future plans

[lifesabeatch]

Looking for any advice please, wise Mumsnetters.

Me and DP been together for 4 years. Late 50s.We’ve just got back from holiday, taking my DS15 and a friend of his, so the four of us staying in a villa. It was hard work tbh. Pressure points were the fact that teens didn’t get up until lunchtime, we found vodka that they’d stashed after staying up very late to watch sunrise, friend was sick in a taxi one evening, both quite moody, they didn’t want to eat with us every night so they’d go off (which in some ways was a relief). DS has ADHD (as does DP’s daughter, they are quite similar in some ways), but can be quite full on, impulsive and headstrong etc.Most of it was all fairly normal teen behaviour I’d say but on holiday it’s magnified when you’re all living in close quarters. Plus I felt so responsible for everyone having a good time. I found it exhausting. DP was understanding but it did spoil the time.

Anyway, separately to that, DP and I have planned to move in together next Xmas. We both have houses, plan is that I’ll keep mine and rent it out, he will buy bigger (in his name) and we move in. His daughters are adults, one may live with us.

My issue is, during the holiday, we talked about the future etc, we’ve got a difficult 12 months ahead for various reasons, and I said to him ‘but you will be here won’t you’, and rather than an absolute ‘yes’, he started talking about the relationship with his daughters and how that came first. He was relating that to us living together. He’s never wavered before, and has been very supportive of my DS who’s had problems with school. It now feels like he’s reluctant to live together because of my son.

We’re going away again, him and I, on our own for a few days, so I’m planning to try and talk to him properly about it, but I feel massively hurt by it. The holiday was quite tricky in places, but we still had a nice time together. I’ve always felt very loved by him, he’s been super supportive of me and my son over the past 4 years, and I’m guessing he just felt a bit worn down on the holiday – but for me, it feels like we’re not good enough or something. I feel like he already holds the cards, he is much better off than me financially, and now he will use the next 12 months to ‘assess’ whether he can bear to live with us or not. I need to change this in my head otherwise it will affect how I feel about him ☹ Problem is, I had a horrible marriage with someone who was very unreliable and now I feel like he’s wavering, which means I just want to pull away for self protection.

We communicate well, so maybe we can sort it out but it feels a bit of a mess.

@lifesabeatch

I feel like he already holds the cards, he is much better off than me financially, and now he will use the next 12 months to ‘assess’ whether he can bear to live with us or not.

But he does hold all the cards as far as his own future goes. He is the one who is contemplating selling his home and/or buying a bigger one to effectively house the child of his partner, because I assume if it was just you and he chances are you'd live in one of your homes and rent the other out. Unless it would be a cash purchase he is most likely looking at taking on a debt he wouldn't be taking on if you weren't planning to live together. And he's probably thinking about where he'd be if things didn't work out living with your son. I'm not saying he's a bad lad, teenage years are a rough enough time without SEN. But if things don't work out, DP is probably seeing himself in a house he really didn't need with additional debt to pay off.

So of course he's going to use this time to 'assess' whether this is something he wants to take on or not. And he is right to do so. Just as you would be right to reassess the situation yourself if you feel he's having second thoughts.

I think experiencing the full on reality of your son probably did give him pause. It’s possible he’s also spoken to his daughters about it, and they may have concerns as well.

Your son’s behavior isn’t something he’s experienced, and isn’t ‘normal’ to him. A poorly behaved teenager can send their own parents to the limit, but the parents cope with it because ultimately that is their child that they love. Your son isn’t your DP’s child, and he’s doesn’t have that tie to him. It’s a lot to ask someone to take on, and if he doesn’t think he could deal with it then he would be right not to proceed.

That is sensible, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or that he’s unwilling to support you. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept everything that comes with them, especially if it’s to your own, and your family’s, detriment.

I personally wouldn’t clas this as normal behaviour (fellow adhd parent), the boths have behaved really really awfully. I can see why that would give anyone cold feet. Just imagine if the holiday was a trial for your sons friend moving in, it may be a similar feeling for your partner.

College can often be a calmer as you can focus on your own skills more, so that not being too far away is positive. I hope the school meeting goes well.

I wouldn't frame this as you/your DS being assessed/rejected (as others have also said). To me it sounds like a positive thing for your relationship to be slowing things down and even to not move in. If you moved in and had these kinds of tensions on a regular basis, it would destroy your relationship.

I am in a somewhat similar situation - my DP has adult kids, I have a young teen. Although my DP and DC get along very well, and my DC is currently an easy-going well-behaved teen, I have no intention of moving in with my DP until my DC is off to University. I think this would be best for my DC (to have his own space), for me and my DC (for us have an independent relationship) and for my relationship with my DP (so we don't have to deal with parenting/teen issues/responsibilities/tensions, which are for me alone to deal with, albeit with support from my DP). We have fun holidays together, weekends together etc but it is best not to blend families/finances/responsibilities until these are lighter and DC has flown the coop.

My first reaction is that having the friend there made things much harder for all of you.
Being together, they wanted a level of ‘independence’ you weren’t ready to give them (with good reasons btw!)

Then I think you need to reframe things.
Maybe your DP got worn down by the weak hols. So do you tbh.
But why does he hold all the cards? Because you’d be moving in with him? Or because he is the one making the decision whether moving together is a good idea?
That only hold is you’re stripped of your own agency. And you’re not. You’d still have your house (good move!). You can ALSO decide you dint want to be with someine who is wavering at the first difficulty. Basically you have as much agency in this as he has!

Whats great is that you’re good at communicating with each other.
You might want to explain to him how his hesitation makes you feel. Not as excuse, not as a way to use emotional manipulation. But explaining how you think and feel, what you need in terms of communication (and I’d add the same in reverse too!)

Presumably he holds the cards because, as harsh as this may sound, OP would be getting a much better deal out of combining households than he would be. He’d be taking on a not insignificant level of responsibility for OP and her son, whereas OP would be eased of her current strains.

On a practical level, it is very much in OP’s interests to proceed with the previous plans. It isn’t in his, and it seems he may be realizing the reality of that.

You seem to be justifying your son’s behaviour a lot here. ADHD does cause difficulties but it sounds like he was also very inconsiderate and rude and I can understand your partner rethinking things as a result.

Have you talked to your son about this at all? Has he apologised?

I’m not sure your partner has done anything wrong here. I’m a step parent and I’m really apprehensive about how teenaged years are going to be. I wouldn’t rule out moving out and living separately from my husband for a while if I thought that remaining together would break our relationship. Unfortunately however much you wish for the happy ever after, the bond between step parent and step child is never the same as for a biological child. I’m more like an auntie to my step kids than anything even approaching a parent - they already have two parents and I’m not one. When their behaviour is bad, I don’t have the same parental bond to get me through it that my DH has and I regularly need space from them.

What you’ve described is probably standard teenager behaviour, but would be very difficult for an unrelated adult to deal with. I’d be very annoyed in the situation you’ve described, as it
sounds like DS and friend didn’t even do the bare minimum to help.

I am currently on holiday with DH and step children (pre-teen) and whilst of course we want the kids to have a brilliant time the expectation is absolutely that it is everyone’s holiday (not just theirs) and that they need to pitch in and help with cooking, loading the dishwasher, tidying away their belongings, being ready on time etc.

Agree, a 15 year old should not be able to get their hands on alcohol and be out on their own all night.

That’s what I thought. How insulting.

I hesitate to ask this as it sounds unkind but are you confident that it isn’t more about how you respond to your ds? I only ask because you mentioned lots of frustrating behaviour from ds, but I can’t remember seeing anything about any consequences for him, or basic expectations you have of him, such as tidying up after himself etc? I also find it a bit worrying that you’re spending time and energy on challenging a third suspension, when if your son frequently gets in to trouble it might be a good opportunity to talk to him about assumptions people will make of him based on his past behaviour, his peers etc. I just ask as it may be that your partner would chose to parent differently and doesn’t want to put your relationship in a position where different parenting styles could cause problems in your relationship when living together.

I think for harmony in all quarters, I'd wait until all the kids are a bit older/stable and on their own feet a bit more.
His daughter might have expressed a bit of concern about mingling altogether which would also explain his comment.
You've got a lot of pressure points and if there is difficulty externally over the next 12 months too, I don't think I'd rush into anything.
Love and luck to you OP xx

My thoughts are that most, if not all teenagers have episodes of disappointing behaviour including some or all of pushing boundaries, struggling to consider other people, rudeness etc..

This has been the case in my own experience, and with all of my friends’ DC to various degrees. All DC have come out of the other side sooner or later and been well adjusted, well mannered all round lovely people.

There are varying opinions on this thread wrt how unacceptable the OP’s son’s behaviour is- which I respect. I’d like though, to make the distinction between ‘acceptable’ and ‘normal’ because as outlined above I see it as pretty normal, albeit disappointing and challenging.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that as parents we survive by finding a balance between discipline and grinning and bearing it. This may be really tricky for OPs DP in which case living separately would be the way forward.

As the mum of a boy with ADHD, I can empathise with you. My now husband and I had quite an ordeal trying to blend our families. We moved in together and then my son and I moved out again because he wasn't happy. We waited another year and then tried again in a different house - by this time my son was also on medication which has helped massively with his mood and regulation. This time it's settled and we manage his needs together, which is nice. Blended families are notoriously difficult, before you add anything like neurodiversity to the mix. You need to talk all this through with your partner and your son - before you move in together! Have a contingency plan (I guess this is moving back to your home if things aren't working). This doesn't mean it isn't going to work, but of course he might now be a bit more apprehensive. My husband finds my son's apparent disrespect the hardest I think, although he does understand that it often comes from a place of fear or frustration. SEND parenting is not for the faint hearted!

Hmmm holidays with teens can be a total pain for all the reasons you describe! So I can’t judge the teens for that

However if I was your partner I’d be very concerned that your son was not going to be able to sustain any type of education/job in the future and that is certainly not a problem I’d be keen to get landed with

Imagine that he just doesn’t bother? And he flunks his exams, can’t be bothered to get a job etc ?! You wouldn’t want that either if the shoe was on the other foot

Realistically I think the guy is right to be cautious

I take my hat off to step parents dealing with unrelated teens it’s hard enough when they are your own.

Yeah all that is fair but he also needs to prioritize his daughters.

We don't know the full details of the difficult year OP is expecting but he is wise to make sure it doesn't impact his daughters, while he has been supportive or OP and her son he can't put them over hai daughters.

I'm also not clear what OPs expectations are when she asked him if he will be there for the difficult year ahead.

Why not maintain separate homes? Doesn’t mean there’s no relationship worth having.

The other issue is - what do his DDs think? Are they looking out for their dad? Not happy about your DS and what lies ahead? I’d be wary if I was them.

If his daughter is living with you all, you can understand his reluctance. It isn’t just him he is signing off for the difficult years, it’s her - and that’s what he is rightfully putting first. It’s a lot of drama to bring into her life too.

Maybe worth continuing as you are until you know your DS is a bit more settled.

15 year olds can be a flipping nightmare on holiday and often you just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. But that is quite a litany of misdemeanours. Were there any consequences for them?

Tbh, do you blame DP? He’s had a glimpse of what cohabiting with you and your DS will be like and it wasn’t good.

It’s not brilliant when it’s your own kids let alone someone else’s - I have an 18 and 21 yo off for the summer, gaming together and with friends to 2am and sleeping in to lunch time. Put up with it until Results day but it is reeeeelly fucking me off now and I am building up to a showdown. And this is my kids, that I love, in their own home.

We stopped taking the eldest on holiday after the holiday last year involved the moodiness, sulking, oversleeping, refusing to come on prepaid day trips we had booked specifically for them, and the lurking in their room on their phone etc - they will be invited in future, but only if they PROMISE to engage and not sulk because we will take them to the airport and send them home if it happens again. Eldest couldn’t agree to do that this year, so opted to stay home. We were delighted.

DP may like your DS and be supportive, but he’s had a real insight into what step parenting and cohabiting looks like and he’s likely got cold feet. You need to have an honest conversation with him about this.

Also early 50s I am feeling time is
precious now. The thought of investing a few years at this age being over shadowed by someone else’s stroppy teen. No way.

Op, before you get yourself tied in knots over possibilities, talk to him and clarify where he is at at the moment.

I have a child with SN , my ex has one too. We both love our children very much, we both have learned to deal with their respective behaviours separately, we both are doing our best to support our respective children and keep their behaviour at least acceptable. But when you have a lot in your parent plate, or had it in the past, you may not have the energy and willingness to manage another child with issues full time even when you love their parent. It is not about having the understanding is about having the strength and patience when you are already carrying or carried your own load, it just becomes too much.

Talk to him first, but bear in mind that if he has changed his mind about moving together, this is not the end of the world. You have had a nice relationship living in separate houses, this may continue to work well and offer better prospects for your future as a couple than living together.

In your situation I would not move in with him until your son is older and gone into futher education. A teenaged lad with ADHD needs extra support with school, boundaries in place and consequences if they vape, drink ect. Even teen lads without ADHD can go through a period of been like Kevin from the TV series a few years ago.

The teen years are going through puberty and dealing with friends and possible fallouts. Then they have to do more and a higher level of school work and public exams. They need exams to get into futher education. Then further education can suit there talents and abilities better because the subjects and what they are doing interests them more.

I can see why your partner does not want to move in with you yet. You also need to consider your own financial position long term. I would not be paying towards a mortgage on a new home without my name on it. Nor would I sell your current home to fund this. Also getting married gives you better legal protection and better tax/inheritance treatment long term.

In fact I would pay for legal advice before selling your house and moving in with him. You need to consider what's best for you and your son financially long term. My feeling as as well that he will want to protect his assets ect for his daughter's long term as well.

@Ilady The legal advice is pretty clear for cohabiting couples via any decent family law solicitors. However change might happen. There’s a big consultation going on about changing the rights of cohabiting couples to those of married couples so I’d keep an eye on this. Essentially the Op could stay as she is for a couple of years within a mutually supportive and loving relationship without compromising her home or inheritance for DS.