How seriously should I be taking this - holiday tensions affecting future plans

[lifesabeatch]

Looking for any advice please, wise Mumsnetters.

Me and DP been together for 4 years. Late 50s.We’ve just got back from holiday, taking my DS15 and a friend of his, so the four of us staying in a villa. It was hard work tbh. Pressure points were the fact that teens didn’t get up until lunchtime, we found vodka that they’d stashed after staying up very late to watch sunrise, friend was sick in a taxi one evening, both quite moody, they didn’t want to eat with us every night so they’d go off (which in some ways was a relief). DS has ADHD (as does DP’s daughter, they are quite similar in some ways), but can be quite full on, impulsive and headstrong etc.Most of it was all fairly normal teen behaviour I’d say but on holiday it’s magnified when you’re all living in close quarters. Plus I felt so responsible for everyone having a good time. I found it exhausting. DP was understanding but it did spoil the time.

Anyway, separately to that, DP and I have planned to move in together next Xmas. We both have houses, plan is that I’ll keep mine and rent it out, he will buy bigger (in his name) and we move in. His daughters are adults, one may live with us.

My issue is, during the holiday, we talked about the future etc, we’ve got a difficult 12 months ahead for various reasons, and I said to him ‘but you will be here won’t you’, and rather than an absolute ‘yes’, he started talking about the relationship with his daughters and how that came first. He was relating that to us living together. He’s never wavered before, and has been very supportive of my DS who’s had problems with school. It now feels like he’s reluctant to live together because of my son.

We’re going away again, him and I, on our own for a few days, so I’m planning to try and talk to him properly about it, but I feel massively hurt by it. The holiday was quite tricky in places, but we still had a nice time together. I’ve always felt very loved by him, he’s been super supportive of me and my son over the past 4 years, and I’m guessing he just felt a bit worn down on the holiday – but for me, it feels like we’re not good enough or something. I feel like he already holds the cards, he is much better off than me financially, and now he will use the next 12 months to ‘assess’ whether he can bear to live with us or not. I need to change this in my head otherwise it will affect how I feel about him ☹ Problem is, I had a horrible marriage with someone who was very unreliable and now I feel like he’s wavering, which means I just want to pull away for self protection.

We communicate well, so maybe we can sort it out but it feels a bit of a mess.

How does DS feel about moving in with him?

I’d wait a few years it sounds like this wouldn’t be any good for your son.

Also what’s wrong with them sleeping in till lunchtime on holiday? Sounds like you or him had heavy expectations on the kids?

Parents find their teens hard work, most people find other people’s teens extremely hard work. As his daughters are now adults maybe the holiday has highlighted to him that he’s going back to dealing with it all again and he’s not sure that’s what he wants. It’s inevitable that he’ll view the next year as a way of assessing if it’s right to cohabit, you should be doing the same thing. You’re not on trial, the potential charge in dynamic is on trial.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound great. I would postpone the living together for now. Do you want to live with this much tension and trying to keep the peace all the time?

You are assuming a lot here. I cannot see what your partner did wrong. His children should be his priority and you said you have a difficult 12 months ahead. Your plans for moving in are for 16 months away so just let it play out.

And really look at how you are parenting your son atm. What were consequences for drinking and unacceptable behaviour on holiday? When my teens want go see sunrise. we get up for it, not stay up for it!

They get on well. DS genuinely likes him. His own dad is unreliable and absent, and DP has been kind and fun. My son finds school really difficult, and has had a hard time particularly over the past year, and DP has been very supportive, he's even coming to a school governor's meeting with me next month which is going to be pretty difficult. That's probably why it hurts too, DS is pretty excited about the moving in and if he knew DP was wavering due to him would be very upsetting for me. That said, DS can be really challenging, and tests the boundaries etc.

Teens not getting up til noon on holiday is not a big thing, enjoy the morning whilst they snore their heads off I say.

How did this cause tension exactly, it was their holiday too?

Yes, the natural thing is to let it play out over the next 16 months. I agree. But i can't help feeling that my set up ie me and DS are the issue, that otherwise we'd all be moving in and it would be fine. I don't want to be on the back foot. I realise I sound defensive, and I probably am. I've been a single parent for a long time, it's been hard parenting and financially challenging, my ex is awful, and at 55, I thought I'd finally found someone I can have a happy future with who accepts us. If it's my thinking that's off, I'd be happy to hear that.

Hmm. I don’t know the answer to this but I wouldn’t like this at all. I’m your age and you want your partner to desperately want to live with you - wake up with you, go to sleep wirh you- share everyday life with. Well I did anyway and that’s how my partner makes me feel. He moved in super quick but it worked so well for us both. There were bumps but we got through them together and I never felt like he didn’t want to be with me. If you had a bad marriage before (as i did) you are craving that Feeling of being wanted. I think the feeling of being tested as if you are worthy will break you. I think you have to tell him that - you have to protect your mental health. I would. You deserve to feel totally secure and adored and that he can’t wait to share life with you! Tell him that too.

Feel
for you OP.

I think you should wait until DS is older. All the issues on holiday will be similar if they are under the same roof 24/7.

Teenagers can test the patience of their biological parent & it’s harder for a step parent to suck up things that are actually quite normal.

They will probably end up falling out - you need to prioritise your DS & just wait a few years.

You will also have to financial complications if your partner earns better than you. Who pays bills? Who does house belong to? Will his daughters want you kept off paperwork?

I have a (now adult) child with adhd

her teens were very challenging and in all honesty if I wasn’t her mum I wouldn’t have chosen to live with her.

this could go very well or it could go very badly. If your DS starts to feel persecuted by your partner it has the potential to be really quite difficult

I think the tension came from the fact that DS and friend didn't want to do anything. They were moody, a bit snidey and attitudey with me which DP didn't like and found rude, DS disappeared for a walk probably to call girlfriend one night and got lost which caused a bit of panic, they didn't help with anything in the villa and just left plates / clothes everywhere, lost an expensive charger, were always late meeting us to head back in taxi, friend was sick in taxi one night, etc etc etc, there seemed to be quite a lot in one week!!! Teen behaviour yes, but quite intense when it was undiluted and we were responsible for them.

A governors meeting about your DS? So is he excluded?

If it didn’t work on holiday how will it be great in the same home? Your DP might be looking down the barrel of a pretty difficult 10 years with your DSs behaviour and might not relish it. Maybe he’s realised parenting your DS is just too much? He’s probably thinking “what next” when he wants a quieter time as he ages? Would you blame him for that? Not sure I would.

It might be easier to stay as you are as you seem happy? Why is there a need to live together?

I also think you should wait. Pushing your DP to live full-time with your DS might well break the relationship.

I don't think your thinking is off OP - it sounds like you've found a nice partner and you're right to be looking forward to a happy future. Holidays with teens can be tricky - don't let it affect your day to day life.

At the same time, if your partner wants to take a bit longer to be sure that living together is what he wants and fits with his own family's needs, then that's ok. Let him have time to reflect. Try not to see it as a criticism of you or your son but just a sensible thing that anyone should do before taking a big life step.

Thank you everyone. Very helpful.

SeanConneryseyebrow yes that's it, exactly. I feel so sad about it.

We'll talk when we go away. I can totally see how he feels, and I don't blame him. But like I say, i feel so sad about it.

Thing is on holiday you are stuck together drumming fingers waiting for teens to grace you (while costing £££ per day), so it's double frustration

I feel for you op but I can see why he hesitates.

Is your son disrespectful to you? If he is, he may find this difficult to handle. My brother was horrible to my mum and my step-dad found it very hard to be around it.

Cannot imagine launching two
teens of my own then having
to deal with someone else’s actually difficult teen. I would personally run a mile.

I honestly think you personally would also be better off postponing the moving in together plan.

You say you have found this holiday quite stressful and exhausting - imagine being in this position 24/7.

Your son is about to enter the GCSE years by the sound of it so perhaps it's better to focus on him and keep your relationship with your DP separate, sweet and fun whilst your son gets through this stage - he will need all your support if he has ADHD. My son also has ADHD and has just finished his GCSE's. I was basically his schoolwork manager for the last year as his organisation skills are very low. It helped him hugely and we think he may have done well due to this.

If your relationship is strong it will last a couple more years without moving in together. Forcing co-living now could break it forever.

Maybe if you make this decision yourself and discuss it with your partner you'll feel more in control too, rather than feeling abandoned by him.

I honestly think you are not painting your child in a favourable light but at the same time I think you are massively downplaying how poor his behaviour is. A governors meeting is extreme.

What are the usual consequences at home for his poor behaviour?

I think the pressure needs to be off in terms of moving in, and I need to not see it as a rejection of me. Easier said than done tho. DP has always been absolute in his support of me, and to feel that slipping is not a nice feeling.

Re: DS, we've had a very difficult Yr10. School not supportive with SEN at all, he's been suspended 3 times this year - the last one I am challenging as they have behaved very inconsistently and potentially been discriminatory (other pupils involved got no sanctions at all etc, they found a vape on someone else but he was the one who got suspended). I can't wait for the GCSE year to be done tbh, but he will need a lot of support. It is not easy.

The plan has always been to get through this next school year, get DS underway in the next stage i.e. college, then move in together i.e. not doing anything before DS is settled and through the compulsory school bit. Once he's in post-16 stage, I think things will be a lot easier.

It sounds like spending the holiday with your son has given him pause for thought when it comes to living together. If he's talking about his daughters coming first, he's probably thinking about how your son's behaviour would impact them if you were living together. If it didn't work out, he would be in the position of having to tell you and your son to leave. You can understand his reticence.

I think you both need to talk it through some more and encourage him to be honest. If he's having second thoughts, it's better to know now.

Once he's in post-16 stage, I think things will be a lot easier.

Definitely - my son settled so much in Year 11, he's like a different child now - the school behavioural issues just melted away at 16.

Stick with it - your son is worth it.

BTW - taking a friend on holiday would have contributed a LOT to the attitude - whenever my son is with his cousins of a similar age he turns into Kevin the Teenager.