Boyfriend says she meant nothing, but keeps contacting her

[Kelslynn76]

Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 4 years. During an off period, he met with this woman who lives nowhere near us; she lives out of state. Anyways, it was apparent to me that they were talking for monthssss before meeting. This was when we were off. Anyways, they met up, apparently hooked up one time, and have been in contact off and on for a year and some months straight.
In the grand scheme of all of this, he recently invited her on a fully paid trip months ago, where he degraded her and put her down, talked about other women in front of her, and tried to make her jealous the whole trip.

I know all of this because months later, she contacted him going off about how he made her feel. He then sent a long apology text to her.

We’ve been back talking, and I found messages of him trying to contact her, saying “he misses her” and that he wants to “run it back with her again.” She was in our state visiting, and he was spamming her, telling her, “See me before you leave,” literally talking to himself in their messages.

He claimed that the trip meant nothing and that his feelings never went deep with her, and that’s why it never turned into anything worthwhile with her. Yet how are you still communicating with someone you’ve only seen a total of three times in the course of a year and a half? Why do you still want to be in communication with her when you put her down and tell me how she’s not what you look for in a woman and how she doesn’t have her life together?

I’m confused and conflicted. I want to believe him and move on from this… What do I do??

OP, don't accept an 'on and off' relationship where the man you are seeing is obviously still after his ex.

Dump him and work on your self esteem.

Not his ex they’ve only seen each other 3 times within a year and a half

So many red flags.

Any relationship that is on and off so much is not a relationship worth investing in.

I’m not sure if you are “on again” or not at the minute, but why are you reading his messages? It shows you don’t trust him (with good reason) and that alone is reason to end this.

He negged, belittled, emotionally abused another woman - if he hasn’t already, he will do this to you. Men like that cannot help themselves.

He is contacting her because he wants to fuck her. He also wants to mess with her head and he HATES that she was the one who walked away. How dare she. He likely wants to lure her back in so that HE can be the one to end it.

He is driving you insane with jealousy. That’s not healthy.

I really, really hope the number in your username is not your year of birth, because if it is, you are too old for this shit.

Dump him and block him. Work on your self esteem. Find someone that doesn’t treat you this way.

Your first step is to have a serious word with yourself and ask yourself why you keep putting yourself through all this utter shit?

Then block his sorry arse.

words ‘it means nothing’: Actions - constant contact. Words are cheap. Actions are truth. Dump. Now

You are focusing your attention in the wrong place. The ins and outs of what’s going on with the two of them are irrelevant. He doesn’t love you and your heart will never be safe with him. Dump him and have a good hard think about why you ever contemplated accepting such shitty crumbs from a man.

You’re being a bit pathetic, here. ‘He doesn’t care about her either’. So what? The point is that he doesn’t care about you.

Stop hyper analysing his feelings about some woman and engage with the fact that this is a horrible man who doesn’t give a shiny shite about you.

Why are you wasting time asking if he likes her or she likes him?

Who cares, he’s a liar. Regardless of his feelings for her, block this cheater and move on.

No good with come of this because it’s completely ridiculous.

Oh so that makes it okay? Men will only behave this way as long as women.Let them get away with it. Honestly, he's got two women running rings around him and look at him.What does he have to offer? Not even fidelity.

Honestly, just block him everywhere, and never speak to him again.You deserve so much more.

Boyfriend is lying and you know it and are trying to hold onto what exactly?

Just from reading the title of your post, end it. Obsessing about the whys and wherefores of his and her behaviour is just spinning your wheels.

His standards are super low.

Two women not walking away - why is that??

Why are you even giving this waste of space your time? THAT is the bigger question! You don't even like him! The way he behaves is SHIT. And he doesn't care.

But you are enmeshed and it will take some time to come out from that. Good luck - x

I said he doesn't care about either of you, he just cares about himself. Yet you've chosen to focus on his not caring about her which is very telling.

He is enjoying playing with you both and messing with your emotions. He's not a nice man. You would be very sensible to dump him and move on with your life.

He isnot a nice person, you cando better. It matters not who he likes or doesn't, you only need to be concerned about you. Walk away with your head high and don't look back.

I read this and didn't read any further
Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 4 years.
This won't work long-term OP, because the commitment isn't there from one or both of you.
I'm sorry. x

I mean she probably thinks the same about you tbf, why would you stay with a boyfriend who treats you like this? He is the problem, he is the one mistreating you both equally, it doesn't matter what she's doing.

Why are you choosing to be with someone who is treating you so disrespectfully? You don’t need to do this to yourself, you know. Just bin him - there are many men out there who know how to be respectful in a relationship. Even if you do ‘win’ him he sounds like a very low quality man.

You keep explaining how much he’s lied and disrespected you in such a calm matter of fact way.

Where’s your anger at the fact that someone has treated you this way?

You really need to work on your self esteem so that no man could even think about treating you in such a way because you just wouldn’t entertain it.

People will treat you how you let them treat you and you’ve shown this man you’re a complete walk over and he can do exactly what he wants and you’ll still take him back.

She also posted herself out with another man on her story then texted him asking him for advice on an event and he responded to help her …

Why her ? Even more why would she still communicate with him after what he did… he paid for a 400 dollar ticket for her just to treat her like that….

I’m over it with him I’m just curious on why they still want to talk if they both obviously don’t like each other

You're massively overinvested in this. There are millions of bloody stupid men. You don't have to limit yourself to this one.

OP the key word here is 'boyfriend'. You're not married to this absolute scutter of a man so dump him.

Look at the way he treated this woman? Look at the way he's treating you?

Work on your self esteem and dump him. Who cares whether she meant anything to him? You clearly don't mean anything to him either so get rid of him and this toxic mess.

Players gonna play.

Dump him. You don't need some fuckboi who doesn't care about you or anyone else.

I get it but you guys keep telling me he’s a jerk to her and doesn’t care about her either so why does she still communicate with him ???

For the same reason you do. You both think you’re the girlfriend. He’s talking about you to her the same way he’s talking about her to you. As everyone else on this thread has said - ditch him. He’s a lying, cheating, arsehole who has no respect for you or the other girl. She is not your enemy - she’s as duped as you - he is the one who’s bad for you both.