Boyfriend says she meant nothing, but keeps contacting her

[Kelslynn76]

Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 4 years. During an off period, he met with this woman who lives nowhere near us; she lives out of state. Anyways, it was apparent to me that they were talking for monthssss before meeting. This was when we were off. Anyways, they met up, apparently hooked up one time, and have been in contact off and on for a year and some months straight.
In the grand scheme of all of this, he recently invited her on a fully paid trip months ago, where he degraded her and put her down, talked about other women in front of her, and tried to make her jealous the whole trip.

I know all of this because months later, she contacted him going off about how he made her feel. He then sent a long apology text to her.

We’ve been back talking, and I found messages of him trying to contact her, saying “he misses her” and that he wants to “run it back with her again.” She was in our state visiting, and he was spamming her, telling her, “See me before you leave,” literally talking to himself in their messages.

He claimed that the trip meant nothing and that his feelings never went deep with her, and that’s why it never turned into anything worthwhile with her. Yet how are you still communicating with someone you’ve only seen a total of three times in the course of a year and a half? Why do you still want to be in communication with her when you put her down and tell me how she’s not what you look for in a woman and how she doesn’t have her life together?

I’m confused and conflicted. I want to believe him and move on from this… What do I do??

He hasn’t treated either of you with much respect. Raise your standards and get rid of him.

You're deluded. You sound very jealous of this other woman. You are trying to convince yourself he cares for you more. The reality is, he cares only for himself and probably always will. You need to respect yourself more and walk away. You will never have peace with this man.

Why is he contacting her that’s my question and better yet why is she responding after all that?

Why do you care? Walk away!

He was trying to make her jealous cos he is madly deeply in love with her op.

Because he’s a twat who loves the thought of two women fighting over him. He’ll never be a decent partner that you can trust and rely on.

You and the other woman must both have low self-esteem to put up with this treatment. Bin him and pity the woman who ends up with him, whoever she is.

Who cares ?!!!
From her response, she at least has some self respect and she'll not have anything to do with him either.
You don't seem to be listening to anyone on here.
He's a disgrace.

Girl, move on. Why do you want this game player?

He sounds like a complete wanker and you are letting him get away with it. It’s not this other woman’s fault or issue either. It’s him. Why would you want to be with someone anyway who gets kicks out of degrading and belittling women? Why would you want to be with someone who is messaging behind your back?

You really do need to find your self respect and leave.

Instead of obsessively over analysing about how this man feels about this other woman, presumably because you want validation that you’re the chosen one, why don’t you over analyse what his treatment of her and you might mean in terms of the partner he is/could be, and how his actions might make you feel.

Why is he contacting her that’s my question and better yet why is she responding after all that?

You sre asking the wrong questions!!!!

He's a fuck boy. He wants to fuck as many women as possible. You're just one of them.

Do yourself a favour and remove yourself from his list.

Find some self respect . You need to ditch this loser

These men THRIVE on triangulation. He doesn’t care about you, he has zero respect for you. He still wants her present as it suits him to make sure you’re on the back foot and fighting her for his attention and he ENJOYS her attention, he’s feeding off it. Stop being so silly and remove yourself from this pathetic mess.

The reason he is doing what he is doing is because he's a horrible person. The reason why both you and the other woman care about what this deeply unpleasant man is saying and doing? That's the mystery here.

Good god woman why do you care? You need to work on yourself asap. He will have LOADS of women on the go. You sound very young

OP, I’m really not sure what you’re hoping to gain from this thread. Post after post is telling you the same thing - as is the poster you’re responding to here. He’s an ocean-going arsehole who doesn’t care about you, but all you’re obsessively wanting to hear and reaffirm is that he doesn’t care about her.

You’re right, he doesn’t. He doesn’t even like her. Or else he really likes her and his ego has taken a battering because she’s made it clear she’s only interested in a casual thing. Either way, it’s irrelevant. He took her away so he’d have the chance to belittle and abuse her in a situation where she was isolated with him, just to make himself feel less like an insecure dickless loser in her presence.

He’s vile, and I can’t understand why you would want to be with a man who openly admits to treating another woman like this, let alone put up with the fact that he dropped you like a hot brick less than a month ago so he could go and fuck someone else.

I can only hope that you’re very young and don’t have much life experience, because if you’re not then you have a catastrophically low bar and a very distorted idea about what a happy, healthy adult relationship should look like.

No “good” relationship is on and off for four years.

The whole situation sounds immature and toxic.

Find some self respect and self worth and get rid of this person from your life.

No one who loves you, respects you and sees a solid future with you would behave like this.

This isn’t grounds for a good long lasting relationship.

The question that you should be asking is why you’re staying with a man who openly disrespects you by texting another woman and who is admittedly abusive towards her too.

She’s an adult woman in an abusive relationship with him. It doesn’t matter why she can’t block and move on. It’s complicated why women don’t leave abusive men but you are wasting your time thinking about why she won’t end things. You might think that your boyfriend will focus on you if she blocks him but he (at the best) is attracted to her and doesn’t want to lose the attention. He probably loves 2 women fighting over him and will be telling both of you different things so that he can remain in both of your heads and knickers.

Who cares?? All you should be thinking about is that he’s a cheating, negging, lying arsehole. You deserve better.

Why are you still with him? Why are you worrying about his motivations? He’s no prize. Wake up!

Because he doesnt want either of you to be blunt.

You deserve a lot better, dump him and find a decent guy

Im afraid that for some people, that is exactly how they show interest in someone.

There are far better men out there OP .

Crazy thing is she was dating others this whole time… they met once a year ago in person hooked up and he stayed in contact with her ever since….. she lives across the states from us … they were never in a relationship but I’ve seen messages of him questioning who’s she’s with and trying to catch her in a “lie” about her being single etc… before the trip.

I seen he recently talked to her and she said she doesn’t want him and how she’s talking to someone else.. he said “then why are you responding to me, does he know your talking to me”

It sounds like he's infatuated with her and wants to be with her but he's hurt that she is rejecting him and jealous that she's moved on so is trying to keep in contact with her in the hopes that one day she'll change her mind. He's probably using you to try and make her jealous but it seems it's not working as she has moved on from him and doesn't want him. She's the prize he wants, your the pawn he's using to get his prize.