Boyfriend says she meant nothing, but keeps contacting her

[Kelslynn76]

Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 4 years. During an off period, he met with this woman who lives nowhere near us; she lives out of state. Anyways, it was apparent to me that they were talking for monthssss before meeting. This was when we were off. Anyways, they met up, apparently hooked up one time, and have been in contact off and on for a year and some months straight.
In the grand scheme of all of this, he recently invited her on a fully paid trip months ago, where he degraded her and put her down, talked about other women in front of her, and tried to make her jealous the whole trip.

I know all of this because months later, she contacted him going off about how he made her feel. He then sent a long apology text to her.

We’ve been back talking, and I found messages of him trying to contact her, saying “he misses her” and that he wants to “run it back with her again.” She was in our state visiting, and he was spamming her, telling her, “See me before you leave,” literally talking to himself in their messages.

He claimed that the trip meant nothing and that his feelings never went deep with her, and that’s why it never turned into anything worthwhile with her. Yet how are you still communicating with someone you’ve only seen a total of three times in the course of a year and a half? Why do you still want to be in communication with her when you put her down and tell me how she’s not what you look for in a woman and how she doesn’t have her life together?

I’m confused and conflicted. I want to believe him and move on from this… What do I do??

Why are you ignoring your intuition? Dump his lying arse. You’ll soon work out where and when he’s lied to you too.

Sounds like you are the back-up plan, and so far you seem willing to be that. He's not your boyfriend, he's a flake. To misquote ABBA " does his mother know that he's out?"

Raise your bar and leave him
for good

Yet he took her on the trip and made load of comments about other women to her face… so safe to say he doesn’t want her either.

I also seen how he made comments on her saying life because when they first started talking she was dating and also told him she dates other s

She’s the back up plan too

Wake up

Regardless of whether she's a back up plan too, do you want to be a back up plan? Dump him, he's a twat and find someone who will treat you better. Much better...

I don’t understand what you’re questioning. He is openly trying to be with her in some capacity again. Please value yourself more than this.

I think the real question here is how you got to the point where your self esteem is so low that you would wish to maintain a relationship with this man? Have you ever had any therapy? That might be a good place to start.

Dump him! Your relationship is truly dead.

He doesn’t care about her either…. Inviting her on a trip to purposefully make her jealous… isn’t showing that he wants and cares about her either

@Kelslynn76 why do you care so much about if he cares about her so much? To give another pov, he wouldn’t make her jealous if he didn’t care about her, he wouldn’t keep reaching out if he didn’t care about her. Or he’s just a not very nice man who is treating you both poorly.

What does it matter? The point is that he is dishonest and unreliable, not a person to build a long term relationship with. The fact that he is dishonest and unreliable with more than one person does not make it OK, it makes it worse.

‘he recently invited her on a fully paid trip months ago, where he degraded her and put her down, talked about other women in front of her, and tried to make her jealous the whole trip.’

WTF?! What exactly are you ‘confused and conflicted’ about?

Given this absolute bin fire of a relationship, and the on/off way he treats you and leaves you hanging, what you know about him for sure is:
he’s a deeply insecure, bullying cunt;
he wants to be in control and will use any tactic to achieve that;
he doesn’t really like women (including you) and treats all of them badly;
and he’ll go cold on you in order to cheat with someone else whenever he fancies it.

Wake up and get yourself out of this shit show, OP. He must have absolutely ground your self-esteem into the floor for you to be so desperately searching for reasons to stay with him. He’s not Prince fucking Charming, he’s a pig.

Do you really want to be with a man who treats women so poorly?

He sounds a catch 🙄

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who disrespects you and other women so openly? No one (as in being single) is better than being with a shitty arse like this surely?

He doesn't care about either of you - he cares about himself and that's it. Why do you want to be with a man who treats women this way? Don't you think you deserve better?

Why are you so focused on how he treats her .Focus on the fact that he doesn’t care about YOU.?
Want better for yourself

He's not 'your' boyfriend, hun, he's a cheat.

Jesus Christ! How are you even remotely ‘confused and conflicted’?

Seriously…he’s a cunt and you need to find your self respect!

Exactly he doesn’t care about her…

this was her message to him after the trip

her - You invited me on your work trip, and I went because I thought it would be a good time. I wasn’t expecting a relationship or anything like that you know I wasn’t even on that with you. I simply expected to be treated with basic respect and courtesy. Instead, you made me feel unwelcome from the moment I got there. You negged me, made unnecessary comments, and treated me in a way that I honestly still can’t understand. I’m not going to sit here and quote every little thing because you know exactly how you acted. Not everything about the trip was bad, but the majority of it was

I genuinely don’t know if you had some issue with me before I got there or if you decided to take whatever was going on in your life out on me, but I didn’t deserve any of it. I’ve never disrespected you or given you a reason to treat me like that. Then when I finally tried to express how I felt, all you had to say was “ok.” That’s what I mean when I say you had no regard for my feelings. Someone who respects me or genuinely cares about me doesn’t respond that way after everything that happened. I hate that I’m even typing this because I never want you to think you have this much of an effect on me. I just needed to get it off my chest because I wasn’t going to continue acting like none of it happened. The way you carried yourself was disrespectful, classless, and immature.

Him-I’m not gonna argue or go back in forth about who’s right or wrong but I did try to apologize for how you were feeling several times but you wouldn’t accept it without keeping it going and adding more so idk what else to say. I apologize again if you didn’t enjoy yourself and felt disrespected. I hope you can forgive me.

I did and you said I wasn’t genuine when I was. But again, genuinely I really am sorry for not being nice and or unrespectful to you. Either way I’m still wishing nothing but the best for you and here if you need anything.

You're right, he doesn't truly care about her, but he doesn't care about you either. He's a liar, a cheat, an abuser and he sounds immature. My only advice is to switch to being 'off' again and make it permanent this time. You'll be inviting a lifetime of tears and pain if you try to stay with this loser.

You need to do some serious work on improving your self esteem and self respect.

This man is a pathetic loser.

He sounds awful OP. Forget about him and go and find yourself a nicer boyfriend. I hope the other woman ditches him too, you're both too good for him.