Husband says I do not show enough affection and support

[Op80]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.

Recently I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. Not in the sense that he's negative or angry but more in a needy sense.

For example, I don't hug him enough, I don't want to cuddle in bed enough, I don't tell him I love him enough, I don't say nice things to him enough, I don't randomly ask him if he's ok enough and so on ...

Now I appreciate this could just be seen as someone wanting to feel more loved but I don't think I am that terribly unloving.

We have a young child, I'm often touched out. I do practically everything in the home. I feel like everything I do is for other people and now someone wants even more of me.

I don't cuddle to sleep, that is just not me. It never has been. I like to have a little scroll on my phone as it feels like the only alone time I get to just sit and do something a bit mind numbing, but that's not good enough.

I'm more than happy to cuddle on the sofa when watching TV and I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual. I've brought this up with H a few times now and he doesn't get it. "At least he wants me" is the type of answer I'll get. Whereas I end up feeling like it's all he wants me for. 90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

When he said I don't ask if he's ok enough I pointed out to him that I literally, THAT DAY, had asked him if he was alright and gave him a hug because he seemed a little stressed but apparently that's not good enough because I should ask more just generally.

He thinks he says nice things to me all the time but I never do but again it's ALL sexually charged. It's always about me being "fit" or looking good (with the face or hint about wanting something). It's never about me being beautiful or how he appreciates what I do for our family or anything that I feel is actually meaningful to me.

A perfect example on my part is that I have a hobby that I enjoy. It's the only real thing aside from work, family and friends that I enjoy. He never asks me about it, he never asks how it's going, he never wants to watch, he never encourages it or feels supportive. In fact sometimes he feels cooler when I get home, probably because we aren't having tea until later that one night a fortnight I do it. Things like that make me think we'll hang on, you don't actually care about me as a person. You're not interested in things that make me happy. It's about you, it's about sex and it's about what I can do for you.

I feel like I spend my whole life basically doing things for other people and it's still not enough. It's not good enough because I spend half an hour scrolling on my phone to wind down, it's still not enough because I don't want to cuddle to sleep, it's not enough because I don't ask if he's ok enough.

Whenever I bring this up I "don't get it" or I'm "not understanding what he's saying".

Basically he doesn't feel loved apparently. But I don't think I have much else to give right now.

“However it ALWAYS ends up sexual.”

He’s the one that refuses intimacy by making it sexual all the time. He doesn’t want intimacy. He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants sex and sulks and pressures her when she doesn’t put out.

I totally agree that all opinions are for sharing on MN, but you tried to validate yours as weighty by saying you’re a couples therapist.

Is your goal to keep couples together? Because if you say whatever helps them stay together you may be doing them a disservice. Some couples shouldn’t be together, they aren’t compatible. In my experience when couples stay together despite issues, it’s the woman who gives, bends, compromises, and loses herself.

I think women are aware of that, that's not the problem. Dim men have discovered the word and use it as a synonym for sex, that's the problem. It was very clear in OP's description of any physical contact turning sexual.

That's why women end avoiding even hugs with their partner's and husbands, because it leads to sexual assault. A hug becomes a traumatic experience (and I mean that literally).

Your DH is a selfish disgusting self centered pig. This is another man child who wants mommy to pay him all the attention. Tell him to step up and do his share then you will have the time and energy to participate in a two way loving relationship. What a total prick.

Some couples therapists are really, really shit at their job. REALLY shit.

I bet 'reading up on love languages' is the sum total of their study & qualifications. And even that was probably only done on tiktok.

Okay OP @Sunnyday410 thinks you should paint the word 'Welcome' across your chest and lie down in front of your DH so that he can wipe his muddy shoes on it. @Sunnyday410 seems to think that we are still living in the 50s when women had little choice but to put up with some cunt of a man selfishly demanding what he saw as his rights because 'You are my wife!'. Happily, in 2026 we expect and deserve much more from men and if they can't - or don't want - to provide it they deserve to be binned pronto. And as for expecting a blow job during your period- well in your place I'd ensure I used my teeth to their fullest capacity to ensure that he'd never ask for such a thing again!

When men abdicate all their responsibility for the household and concentrate only on "fun" at home, they become children in their partner's eyes, because the woman then has to carry the weight of managing everything, often including whatever tasks he *might take over. What healthy woman wants a sexual relationship with a child? No wonder our libidos go on hiatus when the relationship is like this. Being seen only as a sexual object isn't helpful either -- you can't put in some attention and expect sex to fall out. Women want true partnerships, full stop.

Talk to a therapist, get your ducks in a row, then tell him to step up or else you'll leave -- and then do it. I have been SO much happier since my divorce, and he continues to be miserable.

If you work full time you should not be doing everything. Outsource some things from family finances if your husband won't do his bit.

Good lord OP he sounds utterly disgusting! I would never want to have sex with a jerk who expects me to be his domestic slave and sex slave! Absolutely foul.

Same. Infact I actually went as far as to binbag him a week before Xmas. Our son was 7 and I wasn't going to raise him to think women are there for the sole pleasure of men

Apparently I was frigid because I didn't want to put sex with him before parenting

Never ever again!