Husband says I do not show enough affection and support

[Op80]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.

Recently I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. Not in the sense that he's negative or angry but more in a needy sense.

For example, I don't hug him enough, I don't want to cuddle in bed enough, I don't tell him I love him enough, I don't say nice things to him enough, I don't randomly ask him if he's ok enough and so on ...

Now I appreciate this could just be seen as someone wanting to feel more loved but I don't think I am that terribly unloving.

We have a young child, I'm often touched out. I do practically everything in the home. I feel like everything I do is for other people and now someone wants even more of me.

I don't cuddle to sleep, that is just not me. It never has been. I like to have a little scroll on my phone as it feels like the only alone time I get to just sit and do something a bit mind numbing, but that's not good enough.

I'm more than happy to cuddle on the sofa when watching TV and I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual. I've brought this up with H a few times now and he doesn't get it. "At least he wants me" is the type of answer I'll get. Whereas I end up feeling like it's all he wants me for. 90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

When he said I don't ask if he's ok enough I pointed out to him that I literally, THAT DAY, had asked him if he was alright and gave him a hug because he seemed a little stressed but apparently that's not good enough because I should ask more just generally.

He thinks he says nice things to me all the time but I never do but again it's ALL sexually charged. It's always about me being "fit" or looking good (with the face or hint about wanting something). It's never about me being beautiful or how he appreciates what I do for our family or anything that I feel is actually meaningful to me.

A perfect example on my part is that I have a hobby that I enjoy. It's the only real thing aside from work, family and friends that I enjoy. He never asks me about it, he never asks how it's going, he never wants to watch, he never encourages it or feels supportive. In fact sometimes he feels cooler when I get home, probably because we aren't having tea until later that one night a fortnight I do it. Things like that make me think we'll hang on, you don't actually care about me as a person. You're not interested in things that make me happy. It's about you, it's about sex and it's about what I can do for you.

I feel like I spend my whole life basically doing things for other people and it's still not enough. It's not good enough because I spend half an hour scrolling on my phone to wind down, it's still not enough because I don't want to cuddle to sleep, it's not enough because I don't ask if he's ok enough.

Whenever I bring this up I "don't get it" or I'm "not understanding what he's saying".

Basically he doesn't feel loved apparently. But I don't think I have much else to give right now.

poor you to have this mindset!

I can't decide whether this response is hilarious or sad!

@Sunnyday410 "Wow, I just dont know what to say. Your poor husband. All he wants is a little love and intimacy and your 'touched out' How do you expect to have a healthy relationship without intimacy."

So does that intimacy include the forced blow jobs he demands when she's got her period? Is that your definition of "a little love". If so, I dread to think what your idea of a genuine loving relationship is.

If he pulled his weight, you’d feel a whole lot more like having sex. He won’t pull his weight, so he can’t want it that much…….

How did I know that you would have a young child?????

Poor male's ego is bruised since the arrival of a baby?? Let me get out my tiny violin for him

These men are pathetic

That's a bit Tradwife of you. OP has every reason to feel aggrieved at her husband's behaviour, IMO.

Say this to him. Follow it up with a suggestion of couples counselling on the basis that you both seem to be unable to meet each other’s needs right now and you can see it having a negative impact on your marriage that you both hopefully want to avoid. If you do go for couples counselling, I would suggest going with a woman or a man who specialises in helping couples address unequal mental loads.

That said, men like him rarely ever change. They show their true colours once their wives are tied down with children. The only reason to do couples counselling is so that you can look in the mirror and tell yourself you fought hard for your marriage.

Sounds like you’re after the OP’s husband. Do her a favour and take him.

Whats wrong with been traditional...I just said she should be grateful for having a man who wants her

He doesn't force her

Aww well nevermind

I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual.

90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

His complaints are really about blaming you for not giving him all the sex he wants. What he wants is a sex doll plus housework and childcare. He feels entitled to your body and he's mad you're not compliant to his every wish. He doesn't care about you as a person, just what you do for him.

He's being coercive and trying to hide it by using the word affection when what he really means is sex.

Tell him the truth. When you touch him, he gets sexual when that's not what you want. You're being worked to exhaustion. You have no downtime. He shows zero care for you as a fellow human being, much less his wife.

It sounds to me like you're burning out. You're with a partner who is lazy and uses you like an object.

What would a split look like for you? You might want to get a lawyer consult and find out.

WTAF! Do you really believe this surrendered wife drivel? OP has said:

'Work is the only thing he really sees as a valid contribution. He works more than me therefore he doesn't have to do anything else.

I do work full time, but he works longer hours. So obviously that means I should do all the cooking, cleaning, clothes, childcare, life admin to make up for it.'

He couldn't give a shit about his own kids. He is a lazy disgusting sex pest and I hope OP leaves him.

Emotional blackmail is pretty forceful.
Making someone feel as though they are 'less than' for not wanting to give a blow job when they likely feel a bit shit because they are on their period, is not the actions of 'someone who wants you'. Its the actions of someone who wants to satisfy themself. full stop.

He sounds like another selfish man who is all me,me,me.
OP, I've been there. I could have written what you have.
It didnt get better. It got progressively worse. Until I realised nothing would ever be good enough. I got worn down, I tried everything to keep the relationship going, I even thought there must be something wrong with me, because nothing ever seemed good enough. At one point there was sex almost every day, but that wasnt enough either, and thats when the whole blow job on my period line was fished out.
I eventually left. I should have left far sooner than I did.

Some men will rape their wives if they say no to sex. Should these women be grateful for having a man who wants them?

You sound like you come from the US Christian Right. I bet you are anti-abortion in addition to your abhorrent views on marriage and relationships.

Oh my god..... dont project that on to me. I am far to clever for that

My ex H was just like this @Op80 !!! He once told me that he basically needed to get his rocks off with me as he needed to get rid of the stress of the day! I may as well have been a blow up doll 😡

Needless to say I made plans to divorce soon after that comment as I was sick and tired of doing everything, working full time and looking after our young twins.

Why does everything have to relate to sex with so many men?

Too

Bloody exhausting isn’t it. I have a needy husband and I want to scream sometimes. They don’t change, get worse….

Yep.

No, don’t show him that. The only thing he’d take from it is ‘sex every day’, not the jobs your h does.

This.

Yeah, that's a wind up, isn't it? Op_I would suggest couples Counselling so you can both "get" each other. Marriage is about compromise and although its controversial, I think sometimes it means being sexual when it might not be your top choice. However, that only works if there is compromise in the other direction too. Not every show of affection has to be sexual - in fact, without non sexual affection, the risk is that the message given is he only vales sex, and that you might as well be an object.

Hilarious!