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Original poster

Husband says I do not show enough affection and support

109 replies

Op80 · 13/08/2026 07:42

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.

Recently I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. Not in the sense that he's negative or angry but more in a needy sense.

For example, I don't hug him enough, I don't want to cuddle in bed enough, I don't tell him I love him enough, I don't say nice things to him enough, I don't randomly ask him if he's ok enough and so on ...

Now I appreciate this could just be seen as someone wanting to feel more loved but I don't think I am that terribly unloving.

We have a young child, I'm often touched out. I do practically everything in the home. I feel like everything I do is for other people and now someone wants even more of me.

I don't cuddle to sleep, that is just not me. It never has been. I like to have a little scroll on my phone as it feels like the only alone time I get to just sit and do something a bit mind numbing, but that's not good enough.

I'm more than happy to cuddle on the sofa when watching TV and I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual. I've brought this up with H a few times now and he doesn't get it. "At least he wants me" is the type of answer I'll get. Whereas I end up feeling like it's all he wants me for. 90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

When he said I don't ask if he's ok enough I pointed out to him that I literally, THAT DAY, had asked him if he was alright and gave him a hug because he seemed a little stressed but apparently that's not good enough because I should ask more just generally.

He thinks he says nice things to me all the time but I never do but again it's ALL sexually charged. It's always about me being "fit" or looking good (with the face or hint about wanting something). It's never about me being beautiful or how he appreciates what I do for our family or anything that I feel is actually meaningful to me.

A perfect example on my part is that I have a hobby that I enjoy. It's the only real thing aside from work, family and friends that I enjoy. He never asks me about it, he never asks how it's going, he never wants to watch, he never encourages it or feels supportive. In fact sometimes he feels cooler when I get home, probably because we aren't having tea until later that one night a fortnight I do it. Things like that make me think we'll hang on, you don't actually care about me as a person. You're not interested in things that make me happy. It's about you, it's about sex and it's about what I can do for you.

I feel like I spend my whole life basically doing things for other people and it's still not enough. It's not good enough because I spend half an hour scrolling on my phone to wind down, it's still not enough because I don't want to cuddle to sleep, it's not enough because I don't ask if he's ok enough.

Whenever I bring this up I "don't get it" or I'm "not understanding what he's saying".

Basically he doesn't feel loved apparently. But I don't think I have much else to give right now.

OP posts:
GrannyTeapot · 13/08/2026 07:46

“I do practically everything in the home”. This is the issue. It’s draining you, and leaving him entitled. It’s an unbalanced dynamic. Why are you, and how can you start changing it?

Slightyamusedandsilly · 13/08/2026 07:54

No woman wants sex with a man who treats her as a servant (and a prostitute in your case).

This really should be the new feminist mantra because Men. Just. Don't. Get. It.

And it needs to be rammed into them until they DO.

When he tells you that you don't show enough affection and support, tell him he doesn't do his 50% around the house. And they the two things are related.

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:00

Work is the only thing he really sees as a valid contribution. He works more than me therefore he doesn't have to do anything else.

I do work full time, but he works longer hours. So obviously that means I should do all the cooking, cleaning, clothes, childcare, life admin to make up for it.

OP posts:
Likeiloveyou · 13/08/2026 08:01

He sounds like a lazy sex pest.

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:02

I've often said with H that he is selfless when it's easy to be. If it ever actually involves putting himself out though or doing something he doesn't want to do but I do, he wouldn't do it. He doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
Melograno · 13/08/2026 08:04

Honestly they are all like this.
Its about men getting what they want in life
Everyone else just plays a supportive role

Beachbeach · 13/08/2026 08:05

Oh OP I could have written this word for word!!

my husband is constantly saying I need to hug him more, ask about how he is feeling is more (yet he never ever asks how my day was).
he wants more compliments.

all his hugs are for sexual purposes so he can grope my bum boobs or vagina. I don’t often touch him because he thinks it’s sexual and does icky stuff like pushes me to bend me over in the kitchen and says wish I could fuck you.

we have 3 small children who I care for 99% of the time. I want some friendship from him eg a non sex cuddle on the sofa (hasn’t happened in years). Or a nice chat or to eat dinner together. He’s entirely focused on what he needs more of from the relationship and it’s seriously ick inducing

Screamingabdabz · 13/08/2026 08:08

“I do work full time, but he works longer hours. So obviously that means I should do all the cooking, cleaning, clothes, childcare, life admin to make up for it.”

Jeez. That needs to stop. Tbf, you’d be better off without the needy whiny sex pest.

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:10

Beachbeach · 13/08/2026 08:05

Oh OP I could have written this word for word!!

my husband is constantly saying I need to hug him more, ask about how he is feeling is more (yet he never ever asks how my day was).
he wants more compliments.

all his hugs are for sexual purposes so he can grope my bum boobs or vagina. I don’t often touch him because he thinks it’s sexual and does icky stuff like pushes me to bend me over in the kitchen and says wish I could fuck you.

we have 3 small children who I care for 99% of the time. I want some friendship from him eg a non sex cuddle on the sofa (hasn’t happened in years). Or a nice chat or to eat dinner together. He’s entirely focused on what he needs more of from the relationship and it’s seriously ick inducing

This sounds like us too. It makes me nervous to do or say anything that could possibly be took as a hint that I want sex.

He'd say it's because I've "got no blood left in me". But for god sake sometimes I just want to be cared about for more than my boobs or arse.

I'm not saying it's not nice to feel desired sometimes or to know that your partner finds you attractive. It is. But I don't want to feel like that's all my partner has to say about me. I want him to care about and love me for much more than that. I want him to show interest in the things I like, not because he likes it too but because the person he supposedly loves does. I want him to say nice things about me that don't involve the words sexy, fit, good arse etc ...

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · 13/08/2026 08:12

Yeah id simply tell him how your feeling then show him this reply:

My DP works two jobs, we have 2 young children at home, he sorts the meal planning, the food shop and is designated chef most nights or batch cooks for the nights hes not here.
He has other jobs that are his responsibility in the house too. He does some of the school runs, the club runs, comes to shows and competitions, parents evenings and kids parties.

We have sex once or twice a day, every day. I dont care if I kiss turns into a bum grab, but he also does forehead kisses, hand kisses, nice compliments etc.

Yes were both tired (what parent isnt?!) But we help each other and we are a team. There is no resentment. He sees the load and offers to help with other things too at busy times like Christmas when the schools are asking you to do everything all at once 🤣 he does baths, bedtimes, makes up silly stories, homework and comforts them if they wake in the night.

Our sex life is amazing because we appreciate and value each other. Resentment kills sex drive and kills relationships.

Show your husband this to give his lazy, unappreciating ass a clue!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 13/08/2026 08:12

I really hate to say this, OP, but you do you think he might be looking elsewhere? I've heard men doing this 'you don't put 150% into me' when they are looking to justify an affair.'I was unhappy in my relationship'.

Yes, you were unhappy because you were a selfish cunt who thought you were the centre of the universe.

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:12

A prime example is when I'm on my period.

I'd feel so much more cared about and loved if he just went and got me some chocolate and ran me a bath or made me a hot water bottle and told me to put feet up a bit while he made tea or whatever.

But no. I usually get requests for blow jobs because we can't have sex. And when I suggest the above instead I get told "but you do it every month". Basically I should just get on with it, it's normal life.

And he's the one who apparently doesn't feel loved enough.

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · 13/08/2026 08:15

Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:12

A prime example is when I'm on my period.

I'd feel so much more cared about and loved if he just went and got me some chocolate and ran me a bath or made me a hot water bottle and told me to put feet up a bit while he made tea or whatever.

But no. I usually get requests for blow jobs because we can't have sex. And when I suggest the above instead I get told "but you do it every month". Basically I should just get on with it, it's normal life.

And he's the one who apparently doesn't feel loved enough.

Oh my days. Was he always like this?!

No wonder your vagina is shut.

Id be gone...how can you be happy amd fulfilled with a man who expects bjs cos you are on your period.

Have you read my reply above?
My DP and I have a great sex life simply because he is a wonderful human being and we value each other. He would never speak to me how your partner does

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:23

He can't seem to understand that we need different types of love. He just thinks love = sex all the time. But that's how HE feels connected, how HE feels loved. He doesn't get that I may need and feel it a different way.

He's not even a stupid man, I don't understand what's so difficult about it.

OP posts:
holrosea · 13/08/2026 08:34

Sorry OP but it's not that he doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care to do anything that involves effort from his part.

When you say the words "I am completely worn out from childcare and housework and FT work and I have very little down time" he understands the words, he may even understand that logically, you have nothing else to give. However, he doesn't care enough about you to respond with "let me take something off your plate" (and then actually do it).

Blunt, but true. I'm sick of making excuses for these men who function very well day to day but don't understand words.

Likeiloveyou · 13/08/2026 08:41

Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:23

He can't seem to understand that we need different types of love. He just thinks love = sex all the time. But that's how HE feels connected, how HE feels loved. He doesn't get that I may need and feel it a different way.

He's not even a stupid man, I don't understand what's so difficult about it.

He does understand. He just doesn’t give a shit.

Melograno · 13/08/2026 08:44

Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:23

He can't seem to understand that we need different types of love. He just thinks love = sex all the time. But that's how HE feels connected, how HE feels loved. He doesn't get that I may need and feel it a different way.

He's not even a stupid man, I don't understand what's so difficult about it.

Men like this dont want to compromise
They are the most important
I would divorce him tbh
It will just get worse

Sunnyday410 · 13/08/2026 10:35

Op80 · 13/08/2026 07:42

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.

Recently I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. Not in the sense that he's negative or angry but more in a needy sense.

For example, I don't hug him enough, I don't want to cuddle in bed enough, I don't tell him I love him enough, I don't say nice things to him enough, I don't randomly ask him if he's ok enough and so on ...

Now I appreciate this could just be seen as someone wanting to feel more loved but I don't think I am that terribly unloving.

We have a young child, I'm often touched out. I do practically everything in the home. I feel like everything I do is for other people and now someone wants even more of me.

I don't cuddle to sleep, that is just not me. It never has been. I like to have a little scroll on my phone as it feels like the only alone time I get to just sit and do something a bit mind numbing, but that's not good enough.

I'm more than happy to cuddle on the sofa when watching TV and I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual. I've brought this up with H a few times now and he doesn't get it. "At least he wants me" is the type of answer I'll get. Whereas I end up feeling like it's all he wants me for. 90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

When he said I don't ask if he's ok enough I pointed out to him that I literally, THAT DAY, had asked him if he was alright and gave him a hug because he seemed a little stressed but apparently that's not good enough because I should ask more just generally.

He thinks he says nice things to me all the time but I never do but again it's ALL sexually charged. It's always about me being "fit" or looking good (with the face or hint about wanting something). It's never about me being beautiful or how he appreciates what I do for our family or anything that I feel is actually meaningful to me.

A perfect example on my part is that I have a hobby that I enjoy. It's the only real thing aside from work, family and friends that I enjoy. He never asks me about it, he never asks how it's going, he never wants to watch, he never encourages it or feels supportive. In fact sometimes he feels cooler when I get home, probably because we aren't having tea until later that one night a fortnight I do it. Things like that make me think we'll hang on, you don't actually care about me as a person. You're not interested in things that make me happy. It's about you, it's about sex and it's about what I can do for you.

I feel like I spend my whole life basically doing things for other people and it's still not enough. It's not good enough because I spend half an hour scrolling on my phone to wind down, it's still not enough because I don't want to cuddle to sleep, it's not enough because I don't ask if he's ok enough.

Whenever I bring this up I "don't get it" or I'm "not understanding what he's saying".

Basically he doesn't feel loved apparently. But I don't think I have much else to give right now.

Wow, I just dont know what to say. Your poor husband. All he wants is a little love and intimacy and your 'touched out'
How do you expect to have a healthy relationship without intimacy. Everyone on here is making your husband the bad guy. It is so sad. Do you not realise how lucky you are to be wanted...... do you ever want to be with him sexually. As work life admin. Thats life get on with it .... we all have homes jobs and kids. Talk to him and say you will try and he can try and just hug without making it sexual and build from there. But if you dont want him someone else will.

Glidinglikeaswan · 13/08/2026 10:43

Sunnyday410 · 13/08/2026 10:35

Wow, I just dont know what to say. Your poor husband. All he wants is a little love and intimacy and your 'touched out'
How do you expect to have a healthy relationship without intimacy. Everyone on here is making your husband the bad guy. It is so sad. Do you not realise how lucky you are to be wanted...... do you ever want to be with him sexually. As work life admin. Thats life get on with it .... we all have homes jobs and kids. Talk to him and say you will try and he can try and just hug without making it sexual and build from there. But if you dont want him someone else will.

Show quote history

Wow, I don't know what to say! Love and intimacy don't require sex. What he wants is sex, without bothering to show any love. I'd leave.

Melograno · 13/08/2026 11:18

Sunnyday410 · 13/08/2026 10:35

Wow, I just dont know what to say. Your poor husband. All he wants is a little love and intimacy and your 'touched out'
How do you expect to have a healthy relationship without intimacy. Everyone on here is making your husband the bad guy. It is so sad. Do you not realise how lucky you are to be wanted...... do you ever want to be with him sexually. As work life admin. Thats life get on with it .... we all have homes jobs and kids. Talk to him and say you will try and he can try and just hug without making it sexual and build from there. But if you dont want him someone else will.

Show quote history

Omg!!!
Shes just had a baby
Yeah be a sex robot or he will leave-lovely
How about he shows some caring and understanding towards his exhausted wife
Absolutely grim
When my DH pops off, thats it totally done with bloody men!

moderate · 13/08/2026 11:30

Sunnyday410 · 13/08/2026 10:35

Wow, I just dont know what to say. Your poor husband. All he wants is a little love and intimacy and your 'touched out'
How do you expect to have a healthy relationship without intimacy. Everyone on here is making your husband the bad guy. It is so sad. Do you not realise how lucky you are to be wanted...... do you ever want to be with him sexually. As work life admin. Thats life get on with it .... we all have homes jobs and kids. Talk to him and say you will try and he can try and just hug without making it sexual and build from there. But if you dont want him someone else will.

Show quote history

You didn't read a word she said, did you?

Original poster
Op80 · 13/08/2026 11:50

Maybe I'd want sex more if I felt he actually cared about me as a person rather than as an appliance.

OP posts:
AutisticMumOf2 · 13/08/2026 11:53

Op80 · 13/08/2026 11:50

Maybe I'd want sex more if I felt he actually cared about me as a person rather than as an appliance.

Tell him exactly this.

WildGarlicSoup · 13/08/2026 12:00

I can't stand lazy people so this relationship would never work for me. Laziness is a huge turn-off.

I hope you will meet someone who makes you very happy one day and shares the burden of life and the housework with you.

Dumbledora8 · 13/08/2026 13:16

Op80 · 13/08/2026 08:12

A prime example is when I'm on my period.

I'd feel so much more cared about and loved if he just went and got me some chocolate and ran me a bath or made me a hot water bottle and told me to put feet up a bit while he made tea or whatever.

But no. I usually get requests for blow jobs because we can't have sex. And when I suggest the above instead I get told "but you do it every month". Basically I should just get on with it, it's normal life.

And he's the one who apparently doesn't feel loved enough.

Ugh. I'd be telling him to go fuck himself