Husband says I do not show enough affection and support

[Op80]

My DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.

Recently I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. Not in the sense that he's negative or angry but more in a needy sense.

For example, I don't hug him enough, I don't want to cuddle in bed enough, I don't tell him I love him enough, I don't say nice things to him enough, I don't randomly ask him if he's ok enough and so on ...

Now I appreciate this could just be seen as someone wanting to feel more loved but I don't think I am that terribly unloving.

We have a young child, I'm often touched out. I do practically everything in the home. I feel like everything I do is for other people and now someone wants even more of me.

I don't cuddle to sleep, that is just not me. It never has been. I like to have a little scroll on my phone as it feels like the only alone time I get to just sit and do something a bit mind numbing, but that's not good enough.

I'm more than happy to cuddle on the sofa when watching TV and I do feel like I actually initiate hugs a lot of the time. However it ALWAYS ends up sexual. I've brought this up with H a few times now and he doesn't get it. "At least he wants me" is the type of answer I'll get. Whereas I end up feeling like it's all he wants me for. 90% of the time I can't hug him without it turning into a bum / boob squeeze or some comment about sex.

When he said I don't ask if he's ok enough I pointed out to him that I literally, THAT DAY, had asked him if he was alright and gave him a hug because he seemed a little stressed but apparently that's not good enough because I should ask more just generally.

He thinks he says nice things to me all the time but I never do but again it's ALL sexually charged. It's always about me being "fit" or looking good (with the face or hint about wanting something). It's never about me being beautiful or how he appreciates what I do for our family or anything that I feel is actually meaningful to me.

A perfect example on my part is that I have a hobby that I enjoy. It's the only real thing aside from work, family and friends that I enjoy. He never asks me about it, he never asks how it's going, he never wants to watch, he never encourages it or feels supportive. In fact sometimes he feels cooler when I get home, probably because we aren't having tea until later that one night a fortnight I do it. Things like that make me think we'll hang on, you don't actually care about me as a person. You're not interested in things that make me happy. It's about you, it's about sex and it's about what I can do for you.

I feel like I spend my whole life basically doing things for other people and it's still not enough. It's not good enough because I spend half an hour scrolling on my phone to wind down, it's still not enough because I don't want to cuddle to sleep, it's not enough because I don't ask if he's ok enough.

Whenever I bring this up I "don't get it" or I'm "not understanding what he's saying".

Basically he doesn't feel loved apparently. But I don't think I have much else to give right now.

This.

Sorry.

He does this because it works for him and you're not really a person to him.

Try reading It’s not you by Dr Ramani -- see if any of it resonates. (I am happily divorced from one of these...)

Tragic.

They’re absolutely not all like this at all.

Whenever I try to bring up the fact that he always makes it sexual, I just get sarcastic responses like the next day he'll say "oh sorry was about to tap your bum but silly me you don't like that anymore do you, I forgot we don't do that anymore" har har har aren't I so hilarious.

You know instead of just considering what I've said and just giving me a hug without smacking my bum, no he has to go straight to the sarcy guilt trips instead.

There is no self reflection whatsoever. I'm sure he'd say the same about me though no doubt.

Have you said all this to him? Maybe writing it down would help. You're explaining yourself and your feelings perfectly and showing a good understanding of his feelings. If you could get him to understand your perspective you'd have a chance of fixing this.

Men and women typically need connection in different ways and it causes clashes. The problem is, it's ok to run someone a bath when you don't really want to, it's not ok to give someone oral when you don't want to. You don't have to enthusiastically consent to buying someone chocolate, running them a bath, doing the laundry, cooking a meal. You do have to enthusiastically consent to sex and sexual acts. So yes. It does fall to him to come to your level somewhat.

Why are you still with him?

How would he take it if you were blunt to the point of cruelty to him?

'I don't think you love me. You just want to fuck me.'

We've found the husband... or someone who deserves him. 🤨

This was the excuse my exH had for having an affair.
That he didn't get enough affection, but I was stretched to breaking point and was exhausted.
I hope the OW that he went off with can supply everything that I couldn't, because if she can she must be Superwoman !!

😆

I was going to list what you're both not getting about each other, but actually...I think this is all on him.

He doesn't understand that his superficial and sexualised compliments and comments don't flatter you, and that they don't make you feel like he truly appreciates and cares about you. He also doesn't get that him being selfish and choosing to leave the entire home and childcare burden to you makes you not want to be affectionate with him.

Nor does he get that most women's "mood" is a process, and that some kind of emotional connection should be established before you end up in the bedroom. Sadly, a lot of men don't get this - they think women are like them who can get turned on in an instance (not saying women can't, but more often than not, women tend to be more inclined to have sex if a man has put in some emotional effort first). Your husband is this type of guy, unfortunately, and it probably doesn't help much to explain all of this to him.

As I said, he sounds quite selfish and self-absorbed. He keeps complaining about all of the things you're not doing for him, but a man who's not selfish and self-absorbed like him would ask his wife, "what can I do for YOU?". It doesn't sound like it has even crossed his mind to ask YOU how YOUR day has been, how YOU are, give YOU a hug, ask if HE can do anything for YOU. Next time he lists all of the things you're not doing, I'd be super petty back and list even more things HE isn't doing for ME. Two can play that game...

As per usual on all the threads like this one:

For 'affection and support' read 'not getting enough sex'.

I used to have exactly this conversation with Dh and it never did any good. They just don't get it and think you should be grateful they still find you attractive.

He's a dead loss isn't he op? Completely, utterly selfish man, who feels you only exist to meet his every physical and emotional need, and when you don't, he tells you you have problems. It's not that he doesn't want to meet your needs, it is that he genuinely thinks you don't have any. It won't get any better sadly

I don't know anybody who would want somebody who constantly whines and whinges about lack of attention, takes every hug as an invitation for groping, and who expects a cook, cleaner, pa and nanny thrown in. He's not giving anything back to the op, nothing at all

Me too, and most of my friends too

Wtf.

No she shouldn't, he's a sex pest who contributes nothing in the way of help

My ex was like this, too: neediness that could never be satisfied no matter what I tried to do and constant incessant demands for sex. He resented the attention I gave to the kids which were his kids, too. For years I thought I was the problem.

Then I woke up and ditched his sorry ass. Pathetic.

My ex h was like this. Thank God he eventually left me because he decided he preferred 20 year old sex dolls instead of a nearly middle aged one. That was years ago and after much therapy I see his behaviour so clearly, he was controlling, unpleasant and sexually coercive. A million conversations like the ones you are having did not make a difference. I cannot express how thrilled I am not to be with him.

Oh and it turns out my 'low sex drive' was only a product of being sexually guilt tripped for years by an entitled man baby who wanted me to be his mummy/house keeper outside the bedroom and sex bot in it and that part of my life has been just fine ever since. I wish you all the best OP and hope you can find true happiness.

My ex was the same, every touch had to turn into sex when I just wanted to be hugged..I was doing 98% of the housework, kids, admin..working as well while he only went to work, came home, demanded dinner, attention and sex. I was so shattered and resentful every single day, hated to be touched.
Then was told the same “ you don’t give me attention, I feel unloved” and blah, blah.
Then I found him following on IG prostitute looking women, same with his fb account and watching porn as well. Delightful..Glad he took his useless a*s out of here and now I’m much more happier. Realised that he never actually loved or respected me. I think I will be living alone for the rest of my life and if I need sex I can always have friends with benefits. No drama, no demands, just peace.
OP, seriously think if you want to be in such relationship, your husband do not respect you unfortunately, sorry to say.

@Op80 and @Beachbeach- you are both worth so much more than the shitty way your shitty husbands are treating you.

and a man child!

You're not even clever enough to use basic punctuation! Or spell a three-letter word!