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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help my best mates husband tried it on

94 replies

plopers · 16/01/2003 17:07

Last weekend my dh and myself went out with my b/f and her husband, they all had a bit to drink except me (on antibiotics), we went back to their house for a drink and i went to the loo and her dh came up and locked the door and made a pass. I told him to get lost but he just kept coming until i shouted out, he released me and went downstairs. When i returned my bf was telling my dh how wonderful he is etc etc, i am torn between what to do. Help (name changed)

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 16/01/2003 18:09

This happened to me once. Horrible isn't it? In my case it was a vague pass so I ignored it, didn't mention it to anyone ever and didn't tell my friend since a) nothing happened and b) I didn't think she'd thank me for it. I really don't know what I'd advise you to do though since it sounds a bit than more my case if he had to 'release' you. I think I'd probably do nothing in your situation but if it happens again I'd make it very clear to her H that you don't like it and will be telling his wife immediately.

Temptress · 16/01/2003 18:54

Ive been in a similar situation. The best thing to do is wait until you go around again, when he is sober. Try and catch him on his own and tell him that he really embarrased you and you do not want it to happen again! To tell your best friend may also cause problems between the both of you. Obviously if he persists then I would make a point of saying something or shouting louder next time so that they are aware something is wrong!

Scatterbrain · 17/01/2003 12:05

I agree with Temptress - he needs to know that a) you're not interested, b) he was out of order and c) that you'll tell your bf if he ever does anything like it again, or if you ever suspect he's done it to anyone else !!

It was probably just the drink - been there done that - but in sober state he needs putting straight ! I definitely wouldn't upset/worry your bf now - but the threat's there if he tries it again !!

HTH & remember it wasn't your fault !

Original poster

plopers · 17/01/2003 12:22

We are due to go round there tomorrow night, but i told dh i might have to cancel, he asking lots of questions, i don't know if i should tell him the truth, but he is the sort to go round and 'sort' him out. should i just go or try and have a quiet work with bf dh first?

OP posts:

Scatterbrain · 17/01/2003 12:25

Could you phone bf's dh at work ? I think you'd feel more comfortable if you'd dealt with it before you meet up again - and it would probably be easier to do on the phone - and less obvious to bf.

Scatterbrain · 17/01/2003 12:27

Forgot - I would try not to tell dh - if it was a one-off you don't want it escalating into someting bigger. Could you tell a slight lie and say you were p'd off with bf's dh for something he's said ?

Temptress · 17/01/2003 12:29

Plopers have you known them for a long time and is this the first time he has tried it on. I am certainly not trying to make excuses for him but you may find that he is as embarrased as you are but until you go around there you wont know for sure.

Original poster

plopers · 17/01/2003 12:42

I have known them both for about 3 years, he has always flirted a bit, but has also done things like touch my bum all innocently of course, i did see him yesterday when i dropped my dh at their house and he game me a big cheesy grin, i felt uncomfortable and had to get dh to pick ds up.

OP posts:

grommit · 17/01/2003 13:09

This happened to a friend of mine and she told her friend. her friend would not believe her - that was 4 years ago - they haven't spoken since despite my friend trying to patch things up. Her friend and husband are still together. I would talk to your friend's husband and tell him if he tries it on again you will tell you friend...

Amma · 17/01/2003 15:02

Plopers, I think that for a man actually to lock the door without asking you before making a pass is pretty scary. You say he has been flirty before and also touched you. It sounds to me like he will try again, and may try to trap you somewhere, or even be rough. You should definitely make it clear to him if you are not interested, and also take some basic precautions like locking the toilet door when he is around, and avoiding being cornered by him.

Original poster

plopers · 17/01/2003 15:12

Unfortunately they do not have a lock on their bathroom door. and unfortunately my bf can't handle her drink and normally passes out quite early, i have decided to cancel tomorrow and i am not a person to hide my feelings, he makes me feel sick, i don't flirt (wouldn't know how to), so never given him any reason to try. My dh is sensing something is up.

OP posts:

Scatterbrain · 17/01/2003 15:23

In that case....he sounds like a right old sleaze-bag and best avoided at all costs !

Was thinking about you over lunch actually and felt quite worried that if he would be forceful with you - what's he like with your friend ?

Still not sure you should tell dh or bf though - although maybe Mr Sleazy needs a thump !

Hilary · 17/01/2003 16:28

I don't get it, you say he locked the door when you went to the loo, then later say they haven't got a lock on the bathroom door. Which door did he lock??

Sorry if I'm being dim or haven't read it properly.

sis · 17/01/2003 16:32

I'm going to go against the trend here and suggest that if you want to, then you should tell your dh - this creep should not be allowed to bring unwanted secrecy into your relationship with your dh.

I'd also want nothing more to do with him as he sounds verey capable of using force to get his own way and is causing you pain. If you cannot see your friend without him in tow, I'd question whether your relationship with your friend is worth you feeling wary,threatened and uncomfortable.

GeorginaA · 17/01/2003 17:21

I'm afraid I have to agree with sis - he's relying on the fact that you want to keep the peace and won't tell anyone. He's relying on the fact you're probably embarrassed about it and don't want to risk your friendship with your bf. I wonder how many other friends of your bf he's tried this with?!

I think if your secrecy is in anyway going to damage your relationship with dh then you should put yourself first.

Also, another thing - if you're scared of going around there now, isn't this going to damage your friendship with her anyway? Wouldn't it better for her to find out about him from you than from someone else he tries it on with who isn't as close? I know there's a risk of her not believing you and of the friendship, but I think if I was in her position I'd want to know (no matter how painful) and I'd actually feel quite hurt if I found out later on and realised you hadn't told me.

GeorginaA · 17/01/2003 17:22

sorry the last bit should be "and of damaging the friendship"

Rhubarb · 17/01/2003 21:58

Plopers, I think he is probably just as embarrassed as you are. Don't make a big thing of it. Don't get me wrong, what he did was not on at all, but I think you made your point there and then that you were not interested, he would be a fool to try anything again. He wouldn't now he knows where he stands. Don't tell your dh, you don't want to spoil a friendship do you? Your bf would either not believe you or hate you for bringing it out into the open. Just let it pass as a drunken mistake on his part. He is probably dying a death right now and wishing it had never happened. But from what I can gather, he must be under no illusion that his advances are wanted. Let it lie for now. If he tries anything again, then you must get him to one side and threaten to tell both your dh and your bf. But my guess is that it won't ever happen again.

Give it a couple of months and it will all blow over. Trust me!

Rhiannon · 18/01/2003 08:52

Why not tell your DH you dont' want to go as you think your BF's DH fancies you and it's giving you the creeps a bit.

Original poster

plopers · 18/01/2003 10:34

Hilary, in response to your question about the locked door, The DD is 4 and once locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out, so when they changed doors that had one with a key lock put in, they do not have the key in the door (so DD can't lock herself in again), but keep the key on top of their wardrope. I don't like wondering in to their bedroom, and as i went upstairs it was obvious where i was going, so i though i wouldn't get interupted.

Bf thinks the sun shines out of dh bum.

I told dh last night i didn't want to go because i am fed up with the way my bf is treated by her dh (ie like a slave), he then said 'if i tell you something don't tell your friend', then told me that her dh told him he had been having an affair, its over now but lasted 6 months. I feel as though i should not be speaking to your about it but Trisha or Kilroy.

It is really doing my head in

OP posts:

mears · 18/01/2003 11:09

Honesty is the best policy. I would tell my dh what had happened and your friend's dh could explain it away if he wants with drink as an excuse. There is flirting which is one thing - I have a friend who tells my dh and me that her dh fancies me - we joke about the idea - but he would never try it on.
You are obviously concerned about this man's behaviour towards you. If you don't tell dh then this guy might think it's worth trying again.

lou33 · 18/01/2003 14:25

I tend to agree with Mears, tell your dh. If he found out another way and you hadn't told him he would start thinking maybe you had something to hide. This man seems to bank on the fact that other people will keep his secrets for him . He can't have any respect for his gf either if he is willing to hit on you, and tell your dh that he had an affair. Tell dh what happened and discuss with him about what steps to take next. Maybe he could talk to him about his behaviour towards you?

This bloke sounds like a right sleazebag, a shame your gf can't see it.

jac34 · 18/01/2003 14:41

I agree with telling your DH the real reason you don't want to go there. Just try to play it down a bit and tell DH not to go round there, as you don't want to get ivolved with, whatever is happening in their relationship. Then you will not have to find excuses for not going. Why should this incident, make you two start lying to each other. I would not mention anything about the affair to BF, just try to keep your distance for a while, but be there for her if she finds out and comes to you for support.
Just be careful what you say about her DH if the s**t hits the fan, as they could get back together again later.

Tinker · 18/01/2003 15:09

Oh, I'd definitely tell your husband. This creep is getting between your relationship with him and your relationship with your friend. And really, I don't see how you can continue to see someone anyway when they give yuo the creeps. It won't just be the next time you see them, but that feeling will remain every time you see them. Now you know he has had an affair, your husband is going to be unsurprised by this incident and may well have a word with him. Maybe? Anyway, you shouldn't have to protect him. Yeuch, the thought of him grinning at you in the garden makes me feel creepy and I don't even know him.

Original poster

plopers · 18/01/2003 15:29

Well i told me dh, mil babysat, made dh promise not to go off on one, told him, and we went off on one, he totally believed me (not that for a moment i thought he wouldn't), he was a bit annoyed that i didn't tell him sooner (wish i had done now), dh been gone now 30 minutes and i am worrying what is happening. should i go round there or wait for him to return.

OP posts:

lou33 · 18/01/2003 16:19

Well done for telling him Plopers, has he come back yet? Is everything ok?

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