Advice needed please..

[NewNameForHelp]

I have been wanting to ask this for a while, but it has really been getting me down lately and I think its come time to address it.

I have also name changed, as people know me on here, and I don't want anyone to know I feel this way about myself.

Anyway, I don't really know how to start. I am quite self-destructive, I do lots of self-destructive things, but I keep myself fairly under control since having DS (though probably still not as much as I should).

The main problem I have is with men.

I have to feel gorgeous all the time. I spend fortunes on clothes and shoes and accessories and makeup etc (I mean fortunes) and I am getting into debt. I flirt incessantly with pretty much every man I meet, and honestly, do it without even realising half the time. I need men to want me.

When I like someone, I pursue them until I get them, which is usually not long. Then I will sleep with them. Sometimes I sleep with people I have only just met that night.

Then, the ones who don't want to take things further (ie, just sex, no relationship) are the ones I want, and I get all het up about them. And the ones that do want a relationship, are the ones I don't like. Without exception, it has happened around 20 times in the last 2 or 3 years, which makes me think this is me, rather than bad luck.

I crave male attention, I get annoyed and 'bored' on a night out when there are no men there. Even if there are only non-single men there, I am happy. I need men to be around to be happy. I need to be looked at, and purposely go out with men who I know fancy me. I do this a lot, and actually feel bad about it as I know I am leading them on in a way.

I know this sounds awful. I don't know why I am like this, and I don't think I am ever going to understand why?

I have thought about maybe seeking help, as I don't think this is a normal way to feel, TBH. But obviously, MN first

If anyone has any advice, it would be really appreciated. Thanks.

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I don't think it's particularly uncommon actually. I think it's just a self esteem thing, you like the attention and it's an ego boost for you to flirt with men and for them to show an interest in you.

So its alright to sleep around, sometimes with complete strangers, just for an ego boost?

I think that rather depends on how you feel afterwards and the fact that you are posting on here to ask for help suggests that you aren't entirely comfortable with this behaviour.

Depending on how much you want to deal with this (as in, do you just want us to say it's ok or do you want to stop doing what you're doing?) and on how much time and money you have to invest in this, then I think you could do with some sort of self-esteem building course or therapy.
NLP is excellent for working out why we have these behaviours and changing them; life coaching is pretty much the same but I believe it bothers less with the "why" and just goes for the change; CBT (which can be accessed through your GP) will also just go for the change without knowing any "why"; and if you think it is due to some bad event in the past, then something like EFT or TFT therapy can help to free you from the pattern of behaviour without revisiting the past.

There is nothing wrong per se in wanting to look good and feel good but if you are getting into debt for it and validating your self-worth by how much men want you, then I think you might be in need of a change.

Not right or wrong, but you don't seem to be too happy with it. I know quite a few people though who aren't happy unless there are men in the room, whoever they are. They just need the attention to prove they're attractive.

hmmm long term you are possibly setting yourself up for misery you get a short 'fix' but ultimately although all the blokes like a slapper no-one wants to end up with one......no bloke wants to stand in the pub waiting for his gf and know that shes shagged most of the blokes there.

the only person you are hurting with this behaviour is you -fair enough you like blokes you might get a really good shag but long term where has it got you?

either you carry on as you are and risk your ds coming 15 and discovering half his mates dads have been through you or you find better ways to boost your ego.

btw if you are who i suspect you are (i shall mention no names ive learnt my lesson lol)you are v pretty and should be full of confidence

The thing is, I actually have a reputation for sleeping with a lot of men, and I actually haven't, and many of the ones I have slept with, noone even knows about. I think I get this reputation because of the way I look, and probably the way I act.

However, I did sleep with a guy the other night and left his house feeling very cheap. I had only met him that night and on the way home, could not remember his name I got up and left when he was still asleep, and went home knowing I would never see him again. I think that has spurred me into posting, TBH.

That, and the fact I want a relationship. I really do, but am struggling. I left my last long term partner, DS dad, because I couldn't bear the thought of not having male attention anymore, not having that feeling of fancying someone and them fancying you back. I sound so pathetic.

The other thing is - I have massive confidence, I would have said this was the same as self-esteem, but maybe it is not. I certainly do like myself a lot, and I have no issues there.

Windy.. how?!

Is there something about the way I post that gives me away?!! Aarghh!!

Thank you for not saying though

So if you have lots of self-confidence, why do you think you need the ego boost of having men fancying you? I am not trying to be sarky, I think it is something you need to work out for yourself before you can decide whether or not you need to change your behaviour.

Everyone has "grass is greener" feelings from time to time - is that really the reason you left your DS'd dad?

Perhaps you could still give the life coaching a go but to find out what would make you happy in life (apart from lots of men fancying you!)

it might not be you tho i might be wrong .....did u once f.b me thinking i ws someone else?

The thing is, I actually have a reputation for sleeping with a lot of men, and I actually haven't, and many of the ones I have slept with, noone even knows about. I think I get this reputation because of the way I look, and probably the way I act.

thats even worse youre getting a rep for nothing- sort yourself out girl!!!!

Hmm... I think it might be best to seek some help to find out the causes behind needing to be admired and desired.
I have posted tonight about a woman, now in her 40s who's behaviour has mirrored your self description. Her misery has led me to cut off our friendship of four years, I could no longer take her self absorbed need for reassurance and support. Her hours and hours of talking about what he said, what she said... you have said it yourself, you're attracted by the men who have no intention of commitment, you may be able to cope with this now, but in years to come you'll still be searching for commitment from the wrong kind of men.
I feel you're setting yourself up for grief in the future and as said before, posting here is a sign that you want to change your pattern of behaviour.

ewnameforhelp

The causes of this are deeply rooted and likely stems from your own childhood.

I think this is likely to do with your relationship, or lack of, with your own father. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents, what did your parents teach you?.

Was he to you a very dim and emotionally distant figure in your childhood, did he leave your Mum and you when you were very small?. Did you rarely for whatever reason see him and did he keep letting you down?. You don't of course have to answer any of the above but if any of that is true this may be why you are behaving in such a manner. You are subconsciously looking for what your Dad was not able to give you properly (unconditional love) and when you get too close to someone you pull away because you don't want to get hurt yet again. You now seek out emotionally unavailable and unsuitable men, perhaps like your own Dad is or was.

My guess is as well you did not get enough attention or time with or from your Dad and you desperately want to be both liked and loved by him.

You may appear confident on the outside in terms of appearance but not on the inside and I think your self esteem is low; there seems to be a need to work on your appearance the whole time to impress men. There is something wrong with the inside and that needs to be fixed for your own sake otherwise you will continue to act self destructively and leaving your own self emotionally unfulfilled.

You need to learn to truly love your own self- I don't think you love yourself at all.

I would suggest counselling for your own self (BACP have counsellors and they are helpful). You need to confront exactly why you are behaving like this now painful as it will be for you to do. It's also for your son's sake as well as your own.

Wabbit - Yes, I am posting because I want to change. It's not that in 'years to come I'll be searching for commitment' - its now. I want a relationship now. And that is why I have decided to try and get some advice on these issues.

Atilla - I would have thought this owuld stem from childhood somehow as well, however, you could not be more wrong.

My parents are still together, and have been very happily married for 29 years. My dad is, and always was, the absolute best father one could wish for. We did a lot together as a family, ate together every night, spent every weekend together, the epitome of a happy family. My mum and dad are, and always have been , very obviously happy together. They laugh a lot and my memories of childhood are all very happy ones. My dad would do anything for me, and very, very often has. He literally drops everything for me if I need him to. Basically, as far as my dad is concerned, I am spoilt.

So, what is it that I am subconsciously looking for, when your Dad was able to give me proper unconditional love? Why do I, when I get too close to someone, pull away? I've never been badly hurt, yet I do seem to seek out emotionally unavailable and unsuitable men. Which is the opposite of my dad.

I'm not sure about not 'loving myself', I am fairly happy and secure with myself, I just don't know why I have this extreme need for male attention?

But you are right - I really really do want to address why I am acting like this.

NNFH - perhaps then you have a feeling that no one could match up to your father and that even the nice guys would disappoint you in comparison? I am aware this is a bit of cod psychology and, as I said before, you really could do with some professional help to work out your issues and see what is going on. Hypnotherapy might get to your subconscious if you have no clue what is going on yourself

Perhaps if you found someone to love and who loved you it would change... I was just like you before DH. I still get hints (when not pregnant) of needing to be looked at down the street and flirt but have a strong pride in the fact I belong to someone and to something (our family) and know that he feels the same.
You may also need to like yourself and find things out about you that you didn't know, do somthing for the soul. A little charity work or something so you move away from being admired sexually and physically.

Yeah, it could be that I guess.. I don't intentionally not get into relationships though.

I really don't want to go for professional help. I had quite bad PND and managed to get through that myself without any help or meds, and certainly don't see that I would go for 'help' for this problem.

I guess I will just have to accept that I am the kind of person that needs male attention.

twelvelegs - I like that idea. I work in a job where my looks are important (to an extent) and sometimes feel like my work is unappreciated, undermined by the attention I get from the way I look maybe..

The think is, I have to assume you are right really, that maybe one day I will find someone who will be 'enough'. I have been in a few serious relationships with the nicest men you could ever meet, none of my friends can understand why I left them. Neither, if I am honest, do I.

I don't think it's that rare a problem, tbh. Think of Carrie in S&TC -- did she settle down with nice-guy Nathan? Nope, she gave him up to chase after bad-boy Big.

No, you'll have to accept hat you are more than good looks!! Admiration from men is easy, being attractive is easy...the hard stuff is being a nice person, interested in others, having a good time without being the most beautiful. A fullfilling life is not an easy one, it a deserved one.

My Mr wonderful was not the 'nicest' man I'd ever met, either. I really feel like I undestand your siutuation, have you got any really good female friends?

Not that I'm offering in some stalker like way, it's just I never really had any... and some that I did I wanted their bfs to fancy me too.

Oh, I definitely think I am, I really am a nice person, I spend a lot of time and effort on my friends and am genuinely interested in others, and I am renowned for having a good time!

I have a lot of friends, some I have had for 20 years or more, some I have had for a few months. A huge social circle. I had 220 people come out for my birthday last year

Beautiful - maybe you are right. maybe, I just need to wait for Mr Right to come along? Maybe I am just made to be this way, and one day I will meet someone who will make me feel differently? All seems rather hopeful..

Yep, time for a man!!!