Advice needed please..

[NewNameForHelp]

I have been wanting to ask this for a while, but it has really been getting me down lately and I think its come time to address it.

I have also name changed, as people know me on here, and I don't want anyone to know I feel this way about myself.

Anyway, I don't really know how to start. I am quite self-destructive, I do lots of self-destructive things, but I keep myself fairly under control since having DS (though probably still not as much as I should).

The main problem I have is with men.

I have to feel gorgeous all the time. I spend fortunes on clothes and shoes and accessories and makeup etc (I mean fortunes) and I am getting into debt. I flirt incessantly with pretty much every man I meet, and honestly, do it without even realising half the time. I need men to want me.

When I like someone, I pursue them until I get them, which is usually not long. Then I will sleep with them. Sometimes I sleep with people I have only just met that night.

Then, the ones who don't want to take things further (ie, just sex, no relationship) are the ones I want, and I get all het up about them. And the ones that do want a relationship, are the ones I don't like. Without exception, it has happened around 20 times in the last 2 or 3 years, which makes me think this is me, rather than bad luck.

I crave male attention, I get annoyed and 'bored' on a night out when there are no men there. Even if there are only non-single men there, I am happy. I need men to be around to be happy. I need to be looked at, and purposely go out with men who I know fancy me. I do this a lot, and actually feel bad about it as I know I am leading them on in a way.

I know this sounds awful. I don't know why I am like this, and I don't think I am ever going to understand why?

I have thought about maybe seeking help, as I don't think this is a normal way to feel, TBH. But obviously, MN first

If anyone has any advice, it would be really appreciated. Thanks.

The Nice ones are sooooooo dull.

"Hello, it's me again, just calling to say I filled my fridge today with that wine you said on, um [shuffles through notebook] May 23rd 2008, at 7:58pm, tasted 'yummy'. Tonight I'm going out with my friends but not if YOU want to see me! Call me anytime! I won't drink tonight in case you need a lift anywhere... I'll ring you again in 10 minutes to check you got this. Bye!"

boak

Ha ha! Boak indeed.

So, basically, I should just wait it out until I find a man that makes me not feel the need for constant male attention?

I'd knock the casual-shagging on the head, definitely, because you're too good for that. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry too much for now. Write again when you're 75 and trying to entice men home with the promise of a teeth-free BJ.

Go for some self esteem counselling - your looks won;t last forever

What was your relationship with your dad like?

Thanks beautiful. Its not really casual shagging though, its not that frequent! And I often think it will be more than casual.

Its normally the next day, or after a few times when I've decided I don't want anything more, or they have.

I really don't think I need self-esteem counselling. Honestly, I have more self-esteem than most people I know. I walk out of my house thinking and feeling good. I look in the mirror, and I like what I see. I 'hear' myself in company, and I like what I hear.

I just don't know why I need to feel this need to be wanted by men all the time.

Ally - I described it earlier - see my post at 20.09

at BEAUTIFUL...my dh mate said the best thing he heard on a one night stand was the 'plip plop' of the false teeth in a glass of water...

Read more of thread...like the suggestion of no one matching up to your dad...do you have him on a pedestal?...

Dear NNFH - I think you are talking yourself round in circles a little bit here - you want to change, you don't know why you are the way you are but you reject the idea of seeking some assistance in finding out why you are the way you are.

If you want to find the reason and you don't have any idea yourself as to the root cause then you will need some help to get the answers.

If you don't want to seek help then I think you just need to accept the way you are.

Good luck with finding your peace

Probably a bit, yes.

I have been known to get a little moody if I don't get my own way.. probably due to my dad spoiling me all my life. He still does it now. If I rang him right now and told him to stop whatever he was doing, come round, pick me up, take me to a shop and then take me home, he would.

Sometimes, with boyfriends, I get annoyed when they don't treat me the same way. Which, obviously is very unreasonable, and I am aware of that, and as I have grown up I have learned not to act like a spoilt child. Doesn't mean I don't feel annoyed though.

So possibly. Not sure that that is much of an explanation for me always needing to feel 'fancied' (for want of a better word )

Probably a bit, yes.

I have been known to get a little moody if I don't get my own way.. probably due to my dad spoiling me all my life. He still does it now. If I rang him right now and told him to stop whatever he was doing, come round, pick me up, take me to a shop and then take me home, he would.

Sometimes, with boyfriends, I get annoyed when they don't treat me the same way. Which, obviously is very unreasonable, and I am aware of that, and as I have grown up I have learned not to act like a spoilt child. Doesn't mean I don't feel annoyed though.

So possibly. Not sure that that is much of an explanation for me always needing to feel 'fancied' (for want of a better word )

Thank you.

I don't mean to go round in circles, sorry. I was really hoping for some MN insight on this, thats all. I wouldn't go for counselling or therapy or anything, so thought maybe asking on here would be a good start.

MN advice alone has got me through some pretty bad times, and I find it very hard to talk about my feelings in RL. I apologise if you feel I am rejecting the idea for help - I am not, I was just looking for it here.

Several different issues here.
Firstly, a monogamous couple relationship is NOT compulsory for everyone. Are you sure you want one? Or is it just that everyone else tells you that proper, grown up people have couple-relationships and if you don't have one, there is something wrong with you?
Second, there isn't anything wrong with having sex with lots of people on a casual basis as long as you use a condom, treat them with kindness and courtesy and don't use lies or coercion to get anyone to have sex with you. Some people think it's wrong to flirt with or pursue people who are in a supposedly monogamous relationship with someone else: basically if the person you are flirting with is a functional adult then it is his/her moral responsiblitiy to decline your offers on the grounds of being in an existing monogamous relationship.

So if you are happy with your sex life the way it is but bothered at other people's attitude to it (and the usual crap on here about how your pulling power won't last so you should stop enjoying yourself at once and do penance - FWIW getting older doesn't actually negate sex appeal) then reading something like The Ethical SLut might help you sort your head out a little.

However, the compulsive shopping suggests there is something a bit more wrong than just being fond of sex: any behaviour which is causing problems (ie spending more than you can afford, upsetting friends, necessitating lots of apologies and lies) is problematic behaviour. And if you can't stop it despite trying, then you need to get help of some sort because problematic behaviour escalates.
Good luck with getting it sorted.

I expect DH to treat me like my Dad does. Today, I found myself fuming because I'd had to take my own car to the garage for a service.

Ah hey, you dont need to apologise! I just think that your answers aren't in your conscious brain and if they're not there how are you going to access them without a bit of help? It doesn't diminish you in any way not to know how to do it - you haven't been trained. But i also think that, since we have put up the most common reasons for your issue, and none of them fit, that we are just going to keep guessing away and not necessarily get you anywhere because we can't access your subconscious over the internet (probably just as well - imagine how tricky that could get! )

madamez you are so wise.

Thank you Madamez. Sometimes I think maybe I don't want all that stereotypical stuff you are 'meant' to do, husband etc, but then I think I do want to get married one day. I do want to end up being one of 'those' women who lives in a nice house in the country and buys soft furnishings that match and has dinner parties and cooks meals for the family and does a weekly shop, and bakes.. Its a million miles from what I am like, but I always think maybe, one day, I will want that.

Beautiful - glad to know I am not the only spoilt one

I would look to your relationship with your father. Perhaps you are wanting all men to drop everything and do anything for you. Perhaps that is your confirmation that they love you and you seek that confirmation again and again. I do think it is worth getting counselling for. It isn't that there is 'something wrong' with you - but you are clearly unhappy. Also, seriously, what will you do emotionally when you get to a point in your life when men no longer find you attractive - when sex/physicality is no longer a big part of life? I don't believe it is necessarily finding 'Mr Right' because it is likely that you will carry on in the same pattern. You need to have some deep insight and understanding of your pattern in order to break it and do something different. It is difficult to see these things ourselves - if you were able to do it yourself, most likely you would have done it by now.

NNFH: I don't know how old you are but something that often dawns on us old farts as we get older is that who we are is pretty much who we are. This is not to say that a miserable and harmful behaviour pattern can't be fixed but that trying to fit yourself into a lifestyle that other people say is appropriate will not do you any good (ie people who are gay, but don't want to be and pursue heterosexual relationships often end up making not only themselves but their wrong-gender partners very unhappy, a woman who becomes a SAHM because her DP or family insist that it's the 'right' thing to do when she is not that keen on small children and was passionate about her job will be bitterly unhappy and won't actually do her DC any good...)

I would suggest again - NLP or life coaching, as both of these help you to define your goals and then help you find the best way to achieve them. Then you will know whether or not you really want to change in yourself, or if you sre responding to some kind of external expectation.

Thumbwitch - thank you again, but I really won't go to counselling or life coaching or anything of that nature. Thats why I am here really, to try and get help without having to actually talk about it in RL.

Jennifersofia - Yes, I probably do expect men to do everything for me and treat me like my father does, but to be honest, all my past boyfriends have. And the ones that want me now, will. But I am not with any of them any more, because I need to be able to feel desired by other men, and can't resist the feeling you get when you are getting flirty, and you know a man wants you.

I am not necessarily unhappy per se, however I do want to know why I am like this because I do want a relationship.

I couldn't say what I will do when men do not find me attractive any more, I like to think that the attraction to me is not just based on looks, and hopefully I won't ever lose that 'spark' or whatever it is. But, if it does happen, well who knows? I guess I would have to deal with that if it did happen.

Ok, try this.

---

WELL FORMED OUTCOME

What outcome do you want from therapy? [Positive statement]

How will you know when you are/ have ??????.?

What would being/ having ??????? do for you?

Having/ Being ????????, what do you see yourself doing?

Already fully & completely being/ having ????????.., what do you hear yourself saying?

And already fully & completely having/ being ???????.., how do you feel?

Can ???????. Be started and maintained by you? (Or is it dependent on someone other than or greater than you?)

Where, when and with whom do you want ??????????

When do you not want ????????.?

When you have/ are ????????.., is there a negative way that it would affect your life?

What would you need to make ???????? happen?

What would stop you achieving ?????????.?

When you are/ get ????????, what positive benefits of not having it might you lose?

Is having ????????.. worth the cost? Your investment in yourself will be emotional

• Facing ????.
• Learning ????..
• Gaining ?????

as well as both time and money.

Does having/ being ?????????. agree with your sense of self?

[Sense of self is the type of person you wish you were, is who you really are, but haven?t yet learned how to be]

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The first thing is to define for yourself what you think you want to "fix" this issue for yourself. Positive language means you can't use any words like "I don't want", "not", etc.
This is a genuine NLP questionnaire and it is designed to help you define whether what you think you want is what you actually want, or whether you would achieve a net loss if you chsnged.

hope it helps

Don't do anything that will cost you money. Just go talk to your GP and they can refer you to a psychosexual counsellor if needs be

Thumb - sorry, I am probably being really thick but I don't understand that

MT - Thanks again for the advice, however like I said earlier, I won't go to the GP, or for counselling or anything like that.

Apart from the fact that this is not really a 'serious' issue, I mean, yes to me it is, but really its hardly the end of the world. I would feel like I was asking for advice on how to get a relationship. I don't mind asking this on MN, but to a doctor? I would feel ridiculous.

I do appreciate all the advice honestly. I think madamez and Beautiful have helped me put this into some perspective, maybe I will one day meet someone who will make me not care about other men any more.

I will just have to wait and see.

nah you're not being thick - it is usually done with an NLP trainer so they can explain it to you as you go along.
Basically it just gets you to work through all aspects of your feelings and thoughts around the issue that you think you want to change; and then just when you think you have it nailed, it asks whether there is any aspect of having this new "thing" that would have a negative impact on you - of yes, then you have to re-think whether you really want the change! If no, then you have got a change that you really want to make.

Anyway - good luck with finding out what you want and hope it all goes well!