I have been wanting to ask this for a while, but it has really been getting me down lately and I think its come time to address it.
I have also name changed, as people know me on here, and I don't want anyone to know I feel this way about myself.
Anyway, I don't really know how to start. I am quite self-destructive, I do lots of self-destructive things, but I keep myself fairly under control since having DS (though probably still not as much as I should).
The main problem I have is with men.
I have to feel gorgeous all the time. I spend fortunes on clothes and shoes and accessories and makeup etc (I mean fortunes) and I am getting into debt. I flirt incessantly with pretty much every man I meet, and honestly, do it without even realising half the time. I need men to want me.
When I like someone, I pursue them until I get them, which is usually not long. Then I will sleep with them. Sometimes I sleep with people I have only just met that night.
Then, the ones who don't want to take things further (ie, just sex, no relationship) are the ones I want, and I get all het up about them. And the ones that do want a relationship, are the ones I don't like. Without exception, it has happened around 20 times in the last 2 or 3 years, which makes me think this is me, rather than bad luck.
I crave male attention, I get annoyed and 'bored' on a night out when there are no men there. Even if there are only non-single men there, I am happy. I need men to be around to be happy. I need to be looked at, and purposely go out with men who I know fancy me. I do this a lot, and actually feel bad about it as I know I am leading them on in a way.
I know this sounds awful. I don't know why I am like this, and I don't think I am ever going to understand why?
I have thought about maybe seeking help, as I don't think this is a normal way to feel, TBH. But obviously, MN first
If anyone has any advice, it would be really appreciated. Thanks.