Husband says he is suicidal after I ended marriage over sexual assault

[Watbun]

My husband sa me about 15 years ago when we were young. I was only 24 at the time. We had a young baby with literally not much money or anywhere to go at the time. My parents were very religious and embarsssed by what everyone at their church would say as I had a child out of marriage. U felt so trapped by himI felt very pressured to marry him actually. I blocked out the sa I suppose and stayed married to him. Only a few years ago I was watching tv and a woman was discussing a date rape on a tv show and something just clicked with me that thag is what he did to me too. I hate him he disgusts me. He knows our marriage is over but isn’t moving out. It was over the night he did that to me anyway I suppose I always knew that, it was just admitting it to myself. Anyway he tells me that he is feeling depressed and suicidal over our marriage. I can’t help feel like this is manipulation but I’m not sure.

I stayed with my ExH far too long because he guilted me saying I would be cruel to leave him whilst he was suffering. Thing is, it was a control tactic. He did have MH issues but was also very manipulative. I also come from a background where divorce is rare, and I felt like a shitty person applying for a divorce from someone I pledged to stay with in sickness or in health. I was seeing a counsellor on an unrelated matter and she brought up who I could count on and I slowly realised what he was up to. Our relationship was also bad for our daughter. So I applied for a divorce.

That's not necessarily true. If it was nobody would actually take their life as they'd seek help. Many people can't or don't seek help for those sorts of feelings. However, some people do make comments like that to try to get someone to stay and you can't stay because someone says that. Ensure someone he knows keeps an eye on him but you are the wrong person to be there for him. Definitely continue ahead with the divorce.

But this is not about what she owes him. It's about the sort of person you want to be in any situation. Never say to a person speaking about suicide- go on and do it. You are not telepathic and don't know the future. and it's you who lives with what you did and said. A call to the GP takes 5 minutes ( or maybe a bit longer). In this situation shes not the therapist and needs to clearly tell GP that. You would call 111 or 999 for a stranger. It's giving the job to the right person in a situation where you cannot have an ongoing role. . You don't have to 'owe' them something to have that basic response.
Telling police about the threats and assault is also an option.

The type of person you want to be??

If spending energy on helping someone highly abusive is the type of energy you wish to expend to be the type of person you want to be? Then I’m happy I’m not that type of person

And a gp won’t talk to the op about a patient

They won’t discuss medical details but you can still contact the GP surgery to express your concerns and they will be passed on to the GP, to intervene as they see fit. If there are genuine safeguarding concerns the will act on them.

Well that's everyone's call. Many people are in relation to highly abusive people one way or another. I'm just pointing out survival and detachment can include normal humane behaviour.

As others have said, men often threaten to kill themselves to prevent a relationship ending (maybe some women do too, I don’t know). When it happened to me, I was very young, but somehow found the wherewithal to just say something like ‘Well, I would be sorry to hear about that’. That obviously wasn’t the dramatic response he was expecting and he never mentioned it again (and obviously never did it).

maybe re read the OP’s posts before suggesting that she invest time in progressing her concerns with his GP

A suicide threat in this context is straight out of the coercive control playbook. Any threat to life should be taken very seriously whether it’s his or yours. It shows how he sees this relationship ending - with one of you dead.

Please contact Women’s Aid and get help to leave.

Omg I didn’t even think of it this way

I highly recommend Jane Monckton Smith’s book, In Control. There is a section on this topic.

A GP can't do anything in this situation.

If genuine, it's a psychiatric emergency and the police take him to where he can access evaluation and help from mental health care professionals.

If not genuine, it's being used to manipulate and the police will discourage him trying that again.

Im not sure I agree- a GP - or 111- or any medical person- would decide what to do with the information, whatever it were. ' My ex keeps threatening suicide' is valuable information even if it is not happening right now. There ought then to be a record which can inform any future issues that arise. It also highlights that although in the same house the OP cannot be regarded as a safety network, which might otherwise be assumed. Also highlights the place of any children. It leaves the doctors much better Informed should they have to deal with anything in future. Then it's not up to the OP what to do.
I think the Op should steer completely clear of assuming what is and isn't a mental health issue. Simply alert the appropriate people and keep numbers available.

GP absolutely can do something. If it’s reported to the surgery a message can be passed on to the GP. They can’t discuss the situation directly with anyone else because of confidentiality but they can evaluate the situation and decide to make a safeguarding call.

And the police aren’t responsible for helping someone access mental health services. The likelihood is that they would end up in the criminal justice system - as do many people with mental health conditions.

The only thing i would say is don’t feel sorry for someone who did that to you, i know it sounds a bit harsh but if i was in your situation i wouldn’t care what he did, if he decides to end his life then it’s one less sexual deviant on the streets. Easy for me to say i know but people that do things like that to other people don’t deserve a life.

...and follow up the conversation with an e mail.or other recordable thing. For your own peace of mind.