Husband says he is suicidal after I ended marriage over sexual assault

[Watbun]

My husband sa me about 15 years ago when we were young. I was only 24 at the time. We had a young baby with literally not much money or anywhere to go at the time. My parents were very religious and embarsssed by what everyone at their church would say as I had a child out of marriage. U felt so trapped by himI felt very pressured to marry him actually. I blocked out the sa I suppose and stayed married to him. Only a few years ago I was watching tv and a woman was discussing a date rape on a tv show and something just clicked with me that thag is what he did to me too. I hate him he disgusts me. He knows our marriage is over but isn’t moving out. It was over the night he did that to me anyway I suppose I always knew that, it was just admitting it to myself. Anyway he tells me that he is feeling depressed and suicidal over our marriage. I can’t help feel like this is manipulation but I’m not sure.

It is manipulation. When I was 19 a boy of 18 tried this on me when I split up with him. He said he was going to throw himself into traffic on a busy main road near him. He'd given it some thought, had chosen the spot where he planned to do it, and I honestly didn't know if he meant it or not.

So I phoned and spoke to his mum about it. I really didn't know what else to do.

He phoned me up, raging, how dare I tell his mum?! The shame etc. My reply was "If you were telling the truth and I did nothing, I'd have had to carry the guilt forever. If you were lying you deserved the embarrassment".

Call a mental health crisis resolution team and report that he's threatening suicide, let them handle it.

It sounds like you have been living separate lives, although sharing a house, for several years. Perhaps that will count for your divorce. Have you consulted a solicitor? It sounds a miserable existence. You owe him nothing and should focus on yourself and your DC

Honestly I wouldn’t bother. Why should OP waste her time phoning around for him? He’s a grown man

I see a lot of comments with good intentions but also misinformation on suicide. Threatening suicide can be manipulation and emotional abuse. However people who die by suicide often talk about it first.

Not being willing to get medical help doesn’t mean it’s not real. I asked my husband to leave after learning he was unfaithful and he did threaten then later die by suicide.

It’s also true that you aren’t responsible for his feelings or behaviors, you are responsible for you and your children's health and wellbeing. Take steps, set firm boundaries and stick to them. If you think there is real immediate danger, call the police. Women are vulnerable when leaving their spouse so prioritize your safety. There are help lines and resources available if you need them.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through.

Don’t waste your time

Spend your time working out how you can divorce him and start actually having a half decent life

I read these threads and I have to say I do find myself thinking…. Would someone like this no longer existing be the worst thing?

It’s manipulation and blackmail, what a piece of work he is!! - safeguard yourself by saying H you need to get the support you need via the Dr, 111 or local mental health single point of access, point out the samaritans are 24/7. If he says is going to kill himself your response is - I am going to call 999 so they can help you.

By safeguarding yourself you have given him the correct advice to follow, what he does with it is up to him.

You can then move ahead with your own happiness and peace of mind.

I agree with you totally, but OP seems to be feeling some (unnecessary) burden so it might mentally unburden her. She doesn't have to phone, just write an email to local services and GP expressing concern and then leave it to them, and then wash her hands of it.

I totally agree with this and I also think we should acknowledge that it’s not beyond comprehension that a person whose marriage is ending actually does want to die. And may indeed do it.

but you just can’t influence it. You can’t stop them and you shouldn’t change your behavior around them. It’s their decision.

im really sorry for everything you’ve been through. It’s so un fair

Please don’t bother Op.

see this as the first step towards a better life… by not responding to his laughable “threat” (I would say…. “Is that a promise?” If he threatens again)

Sadly, the welfare of women and children has not always been a priority in Ireland.

Actually, as someone said earlier, speak to Woman's Aid and the police. He could well be dangerous.

Yeah I think I will

No it’s been shockingly bad

Yeah your experience is also awful. I think I need to document so where that this is what he is threatening

Please no “think” about it.

Why would you not?

Tell him there is no marriage.

Who's house is it? I'm not sure if it'll come to much but you should speak to the police about the SA and the fact he won't leave the home even though you've split.

I'd be pretty certain he's just manipulating you. If he genuinely is suicidal he needs to call the MH crisis line. But it's not your problem or fault so it's his business, not yours.

Yeah it’s so hard to know if he has ideations with no intent or what. Either way he is the father of my children and I’d hate to see him do it. But I cant be made feel responsible for how he feels when he is the one that assaulted me and it’s somehow all about his feelings. He has never know asked me if I’m ok. He has always been the most selfish man I have ever met without a doubt other than my own father .

Yeah I’m going to see the solicitor this week and will see what they can do to get it all started for me

The Family Law act was changed in 2019;

"The phrase ‘living apart’ is clarified in the context of spouses who still live under the same roof, and they will be considered as living apart from one another if the court is satisfied that, while living in the same dwelling, the spouses do not live together as a couple in an intimate and committed relationship"

So you could instigate divorce @Watbun

It’s not your responsibility and is obviously a very common manipulation tactic. We know he’s capacable of rape so who knows what else he’s capable of. While you’re living with him he might think he has a chance to get you back. Once he realises its properly over there is a chance he could become a danger to you.

You should reach out to women’s aid and any DV charities and consider looking in to getting a panic button or something that you can call for help with quickly. This might not apply to him, who knows but I think you’re need to be really careful in your current situation

The shame lies with your husband not you. As Gisèle Pelicot very bravely said, 'shame should change sides'. It should be the perpetrators that feel shame, not their victims. Your parents sound like they are stuck in the dark ages. I'm very sorry that you can't rely on them for any support.

How much equity in the property?

I could never rely on them really. Yeah definitely stuck in the dark ages about marriage and divorce etc . If I ever could rely on them I would probably never have married this animal

You work OP? Could support yourself and your son? Remember to factor in benefits that you may be eligible for