Husband says he is suicidal after I ended marriage over sexual assault

[Watbun]

My husband sa me about 15 years ago when we were young. I was only 24 at the time. We had a young baby with literally not much money or anywhere to go at the time. My parents were very religious and embarsssed by what everyone at their church would say as I had a child out of marriage. U felt so trapped by himI felt very pressured to marry him actually. I blocked out the sa I suppose and stayed married to him. Only a few years ago I was watching tv and a woman was discussing a date rape on a tv show and something just clicked with me that thag is what he did to me too. I hate him he disgusts me. He knows our marriage is over but isn’t moving out. It was over the night he did that to me anyway I suppose I always knew that, it was just admitting it to myself. Anyway he tells me that he is feeling depressed and suicidal over our marriage. I can’t help feel like this is manipulation but I’m not sure.

It may be genuine but that's not the point. You can't help him and need to look after yourself and your children.

In Ireland, if you can prove you've lived seperate lives even while living under the same roof you can get divorce.

If you've been doing this for 5 already and if you can prove it, it counts as the 2 years for divorce.
You don't have to wait longer.

He is responsible for his own behaviour and his reactions to events.

you are responsible for yours.

You have stated your boundaries. It’s good you’re posting here so that you can be as un reactive as possible to him incase he is being manipulative. (Grey rock method)

The max you can do given you share a house is remind him there are many avenues of support available to him, but you aren’t one of them. You can say this in a way that is calm and compassionate in case he is actually feeling like that, but that’s as far as you go.

Allow any anger to be channeled into divorce and places such as here. And woman’s aid.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about, OP. He is the one who beats all the shame.

My close family member is suicidal. Let me reassure you that fixing it isn't as easy as changing one thing.

If you leaving really is making him suicidal, then you staying won't make those feelings go away. You leaving might have triggered something that was already there (you wont have actually caused it) but you staying won't make it go away.

Basically, I'm trying to say you are not responsible and can't fix him. Look after you and your child. Good luck. X

Absolutely this. Agree with every word. OP you need to get out of this situation however you can. Rape crisis and the police would be a start. I don’t know much about services available in Ireland, but is there a women’s refuge services or similar who could help. He needs to leave.

I hope it does

If he threatens suicide again, tell him you’ll call the police or ambulance for him as it’s not your problem and not your fault. He’s all talk anyway. Those who do choose that way out sadly don’t tell people.

I work yes so the financial side is ok. I’m just not in a position to buy him out of the house so he do a jot feel like in a position of control but I do want ti do this just so he has no claim on this house.

He is making this up so you will stay. Don't fall for it OP its an old trick

Take your equity and buy your own place.

As ever, RTB nails it OP.

And do be careful - when men know you want to leave them, they get dangerous. Do you have anywhere you can go to be safe?

Do not distract yourself by this rapists threats of self harm.

That is all in an effort to control you, maintain the status quo.
He has committed a crime.

Go to any Garda station and as to speak to the duty Garda about a historical rape by your husband.

You can do this.
He is such a bad man.
You poor woman.
Please reach out for help.
Tell them that he is threatening suicide to keep you in line.

We are here for you.

OP you could phone his GP or whatever the equivalent in Ireland and report to them. It’s then up to them what they do with that information, If an immediate concern then phone the police. It is the responsibility of the relevant authorities so tell them.

Nobody on here has any clue whether his intentions are real or not. It’s a myth that someone talking about it won’t do it, they might.

I know this sounds mean, but I’d be thinking that if he kills himself it will save you the bother of divorce (obviously, I wouldn’t actually say it).

I’d certainly be asking him if he has life insurance and a will. Being practical is much easier than rising to his emotional manipulation.

I’ve edited this to add that if he harms himself it is always his choice and his responsibility. Don’t let it stop you continuing with the divorce plans.

Oh let him off himself then. But he won’t, he’s just saying it so you stay! My dad used to say that to my mum when she wanted to divorce him. 20+ years later, he’s still here and on wife number 4!

Plus the op would not have to sell the family home as it would all be hers.

Not PC but win win

You need legal.advice on this in case there is a work around. Don't take what random people say. It's often wrong.

He's suicidal ? He won't do it, after you split he'll be with some other mug within a week. My ex was the same, I just told him "yeah, okay then." and he found some one to mug off before dumping her within months. She told me she found out he was 'shagging some old slapper from the pub' - so much for feeling suicidal because I dumped him.

Tell him you won't be sending flowers and that he should leave a note to make the Coroner's job easier and that you'll let him get on with it.

You are right. It is manipulation and emotional blackmail. Don’t fall for it. If he’s truly suicidal (possible, but unlikely) it will be his choice and his alone and you will bear NO responsibility. NONE. If he’s truly does, you’re entitled to be sad that he wasted his life, but that’s it. Again, even if you stayed with
him the resentment would be huge and
you’d never be free of this troubled, selfish man.

Next time he says it @Watbun , respond with

“do you have your will sorted?”

This is not wise advice. How does the op explain it to their child who may become aware of the words /attitude. It can't help: it could be abusive.
The best response is 'In sorry it's tough for you, I'm going to let the doctor know so that someone qualified is aware of your thoughts, because Im taking it seriously, and I hope you can approach someone." Share it with GP verbally and via e mail and Give him numbers - Samaritans etc- there are cards
That is all you can do. You can't fix it by staying . He is responsible for seeking medical help and you literally can't do it for him.

Him being suicidal is a form of abusive control. It’s a standard screening question when a person started to refer to DV related distress

You can still report this and have it recorded as a complaint even if you do not want to press charges. It means the complaint is registered against his name should he act again.

There is a child in this household. Please seek help from appropriate local services

Fgs do not do this op
the man is highly abusive
you owe him not one minute of your time
when he next says this laughable threat, if you don’t want to say anything then just shrug.
crack on with planning divorce. Prior to sol meeting gather as much financial info as you can