Pain of silent treatment

[Hotterthanthesun]

Name changed for this post. I’ll start by saying I’ve read enough similar posts in the past that I know responses will probably be ‘this is abuse’, or that ‘I should leave’ and I’m prepared for that. I’m really only writing this as I feel so lonely and utterly miserable, and can’t talk to many people IRL and could do with getting out of my head and written down.

Following a falling out on Monday morning, my husband is giving me the silent treatment. We are now on day 4 and I don’t know how I’ll cope if it goes on much longer. This isn’t new behaviour, but it never gets easier to deal with. If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode.

On day 1 I matched his behaviour and just went about my business, kept myself busy and generally avoided him, but I always feel that I’m stooping to his level, and that it makes the atmosphere even worse. I’ve now switched to being polite, reasonable, pretending to be cheery when around him (then being in tears as soon as I’m alone) trying to make everyday conversation etc, to no avail. I feel as if the man I love and who says he loves me, hates me. It is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s so hard to explain - it makes me feel hyper-conscious of my actions, but at the same time I just want to completely disappear. I walked down the street earlier and was just wishing I was invisible as I felt so vulnerable. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.

The general consensus is that this type of behaviour is about control, but I don’t know if I believe that in our case. He freely admits he has big problems with expressing emotion or understanding others emotions (he calls himself an emotional robot). He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though.

This, 100%.

You do not sent abusive people to therapy to get them fixed. Therapy isn't a repair café. These abusive men, who believe they are doing nothing wrong, cannot benefit from therapy at all. It's pointless and frustrating when uninformed posters say 'he needs some therapy'. The person who needs therapy is the person who's putting up with this shit

I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling

Bollocks. He’s expressing himself very well indeed.

What happens when there is conflict at work or with others? Surely he doesn’t sulk for days at work? I think you’ll be able to find tons of examples where he’s dealt with conflict in a normal way.

Oh you’d be surprised. I used to work with an ice queen who would do it for weeks. I agree that it’s chosen behaviour though.

This will seem a stupid question but does he know he’s doing it?

My do p used to give me the silent treatment occasionally. It was horrible to live with. The last time he did it (many years ago) I eventually pointed it out to him and asked him why he was doing it. He didn’t know he was. Like your dp it was an automatic self-protective defence. He has never done it since. He might go and spend time alone but he never blanks me like he used to.

What you think as calming your nervous system is avoidance. This has been going on for twenty years . The only way to calm your nervous system is to address what he is doing with him . You need to name the behaviour, highlight it as abusive and share that you have sought advice on this recurring behaviour .

it highlights to him you are aware of the harm it is causing , it’s not all in your mind as you have checked that this is not normal .

Befire, during and after your nervous will be shot to pieces . After the conversation is over you have to walk away and then do something nice to calm your nervous system .

at the moment you are in the cycle of abuse doing this same thing over and over again being placated ‘but other than that our relationship is great’ .

you need to read up on the cycle of abuse !

@Hotterthanthesun I can see from your responses that you want a magic wand to be waved and he will stop doing this.

I can tell you from experience that he will not change and this will carry on.

Either you will accept this behaviour indefinitely and it will destroy you over that period of time or you will choose not to accept it, and leave him. There is no third option.

He does it because he can. He does it because you tolerate it. There is no reason for him to stop doing it. He knows exactly what he is doing. I would bet my house on the fact that he does not do this to anyone other than you.

My husband did this for many years. If we disagreed about the tiniest thing then the result would be days of silence. The last time he did I left. I have not moved back in despite his protestations that he has changed. People don't change, not without extensive therapy and some do not change even then, because they have a personality disorder that is resistant to therapy.

If you do not actually do something about this then your future will be exactly the same as it is now. Pretending to 'relax' while the man-child you are married to has his silent tantrums. Good luck.

I really hope the OP is still reading and takes notice of the great advice and support she is being given.

I agree its about control. My mother did it alot if things didnt go her way. Could drag on. Was horrible. At least I dont live at home now. Im not sure op they dont change either..

Incidentally OP, this last time is the first time I haven’t taken steps to rectify it, mostly because I’m over it, but it is the first time Ive left the ball in his court and I was curious as to what would happen if I didn’t do anything - it’s been 5 months and counting………

I would basically say, this is enough now. If we want to be together and make this work you need to stop this now. It’s not helping.

I hope you're OK today, OP. And got an evening of relaxation that you needed.

I’m on day 14. It was my dealbreaker after we got back together and they just big fat did it again. It is to punish you for whatever crime you did. It will ruin your sanity as your primal brain thinks that being rejected from your ‘tribe’ means death. I’m not going crawling back begging for more of that. Emotional abuse.

You say we won't believe how lovely he is when he's not tormenting you - many of us will; I will. But when he is being so sweet and lovely he is also abusing you. Because it's part one. He is softening you up, lulling you into a false hope that this time it will last, that he'll stay lovely. Then he swings into part two - the silent treatment. It's awful and you suffer. But when he thinks you've been sufficiently punished it'll be back to part one again; he'll be lovely once more, and you'll be so grateful you've got your darling back. But it's like Good Cop, Bad Cop - two cheeks of the same arse. One wouldn't work without the other.

And he does it deliberately. Please don't waste your breath telling him how it makes you feel because he's well aware of it. That's why he does it. He enjoys it. I hope you can get away from him. You don't have to live like this. Best of luck.

My DH is similar. A lovely kind man who can descend into awful sulks. So perhaps he isn’t a lovely kind man after all. The sulks happened about twice year I had kind of got used to them but then they got too much. I’m too old to put up with this childish behaviour.
When he got out of the sulk and was being normal and nice we had a discussion and I started putting plans in place to leave. I was very open and told him my thinking, I don’t want to leave but I will. I packed a bag and started a leaving fund - I told him what I was doing. He was horrified - but the non sulking version of him would be. I made it clear if he sulked again I would go.
It’s a bit more complicated than this but basically he started a sulk, I started to leave, he managed to pull himself back from the sulk. Like I said more complicated than that and it happened more than once but we seem to have got out of the sulk cycle.
It was a fight but I didn’t want to give up on my marriage. I still don’t entirely trust a sulk won’t appear again, but it’s a couple of years since the last one.
Id tried lots of discussion and reasonableness before but it was only a genuinely, serious threat to leave that made him try to stop.

The happy, loving husband is only part of his character, as you now know. Stonewalling and giving you the silent treatment is abusive.

You know it's abusive, you know he's not going to change, yet you say you won't leave. So what's the point of posting?

Because some posters are saying their sulking partners have changed. It’s difficult and the OPs DH might not change but he might. Also, as someone who has been there if the relationship is good - actively good - 360 days a year you compromise for 5.
If the sulking is regular and controlling, if it’s accompanied by financial control, forcing you to do things you don’t like, then a compromise is not appropriate.
Sulking is abusive, but so is shouting or losing your temper, hiding financial issues, many people make compromises. I would say that a long term relationship is all about compromise. You have to be very, very sure that the compromise is worth it, in my case it was and then it wasn’t. When it wasn’t I confronted the issue and we are moving forward.

I have a bit of experience here. My parents used to do this. It got really bad as the years progressed. Months of not speaking. When my father died they were on one of their non speaking episodes.

I have noticed similar behaviour in other close relatives one of whom is diagnosed on autistic spectrum. My hunch is one or both of my parents were autistic. I am only saying this in case it might resonate. My understanding is that it is an autistic shutdown. Have a Google and see if it resonates.

How do you normally end these silent treatment behaviours? I think maybe when it ends and you are both in a good place you then have the difficult conversation about the acceptability of his behaviour. In the meantime all you can do is look after yourself. Could you take yourself away for a few days?

I am audhd. My partner has adhd.

I don't know enough to say that this is what is happening with your DH, but wanted to give you a different view.

One of the most difficult things in my relationship, is what looks like my partner giving me the silent treatment. However this isn't a behaviour she has chosen, she isn't trying to punish me (no matter how much it hurts) - when she is emotionally overwhelmed (argument, heated conversation) she becomes dysregulated, shuts down, and tries to avoid the 'focus' of the emotions - me - while her brain is trying to re-regulate.

She already feels guilty about whatever the circumstances are, about hurting me, she knows staying silent hurts me which adds to that guilt, she doesn't want to say "the wrong thing" and hurt me more, but everything feels like the wrong thing - for her nervous system high levels of emotion trigger her protective mechanism which is space/escape.

Sounds like I'm using ND as an excuse (even though we're both women)? Sorry no.
I understand this feeling because, very very rarely, I have been the same. (My usual need is for reconnection and reassurance, which is why silence hurts so much). Rage sends me silent, especially when I know it's unreasonable - I'm trapped between the overwhelming emotion and the feeling that I shouldn't be feeling it - so any additional pressure (to take action, to contain the emotion, to deal with the emotion) makes it more difficult to talk.
I can no more force myself to speak than I could force myself to put my hand on a lit burner/in a fire. And my partner hates my silence even more than I hate hers, because it's so rare.

To anyone on the outside, I seem to be mostly okay, just a bit tense, as everything except the emotional-focus runs on routine and autopilot/masking.
Only once the pressure is off can we re-regulate and then talk/message/email each other.
(We usually start in text form as a low pressure choice)

Again, I don't know if this is anything like what is happening with you, but your "our relationship is loving except this once a year problem" comments prompted me to say silence isn't always punishment.

@PippaJJ that is a really helpful description. It makes me understand a bit more my close relatives who go silent. One diagnosed with ASD.