Pain of silent treatment

[Hotterthanthesun]

Name changed for this post. I’ll start by saying I’ve read enough similar posts in the past that I know responses will probably be ‘this is abuse’, or that ‘I should leave’ and I’m prepared for that. I’m really only writing this as I feel so lonely and utterly miserable, and can’t talk to many people IRL and could do with getting out of my head and written down.

Following a falling out on Monday morning, my husband is giving me the silent treatment. We are now on day 4 and I don’t know how I’ll cope if it goes on much longer. This isn’t new behaviour, but it never gets easier to deal with. If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode.

On day 1 I matched his behaviour and just went about my business, kept myself busy and generally avoided him, but I always feel that I’m stooping to his level, and that it makes the atmosphere even worse. I’ve now switched to being polite, reasonable, pretending to be cheery when around him (then being in tears as soon as I’m alone) trying to make everyday conversation etc, to no avail. I feel as if the man I love and who says he loves me, hates me. It is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s so hard to explain - it makes me feel hyper-conscious of my actions, but at the same time I just want to completely disappear. I walked down the street earlier and was just wishing I was invisible as I felt so vulnerable. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.

The general consensus is that this type of behaviour is about control, but I don’t know if I believe that in our case. He freely admits he has big problems with expressing emotion or understanding others emotions (he calls himself an emotional robot). He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though.

Why do you say that? @Snufkin88
what makes it worse?

Because it’s about power and control and punishment . It makes a person feel helpless and out of control .

OP I am in the process of a messy split. This is the reason. We’ve been together years. 2 children. Nice house etc etc. But this silent treatment keeps happening. Sporadically, but repeatedly. He once went 10 years without doing it, and I genuinely thought he’d stopped. That’s when the children came along. And then it started again.
This last time, I don’t know what happened- I just had enough. I haven’t tried to talk to him or anything, I’ve just carried on whilst making plans in the background.
i was like you - it was because of this or because of that. He couldn’t help it. He didn’t mean it as abuse. Etc etc. it honestly makes no difference. It’s makes you feel absolutely horrible, and he knows it does but he does it anyway.
Don’t be me. It won’t get better. Go now. It’ll be hard to unravel stuff but not impossible and definitely worth it in the end.

My DH can be a bit of a sulker, his parents were too so it's what he grew up with. I grew up in a household where if my parents were pissed off about something they had explosive rows and then made up and didn't hold grudges so this is what I thought was normal. Over the years, 36 years married, we have rubbed off on each other a bit so that DH is less emotionally closed down and I'm a lot less explosive (don't have the energy these days!) He can still be a bit sulky on occasion but 4 days not speaking is ridiculous! Can you pack a bag and take off for a few days? Give him something to think about! I think that's what I'd do.

@Hotterthanthesun I have the rage for you.

How can you consider a relaxing evening, whilst this shit show is going on? FFS, tell him you’ve had enough of his mind games and you’ll be seeing a divorce solicitor as soon as you can.

Do not put up with this treatment for another second.

Thank you, I appreciate your vicarious rage! My plans are because an evening doing things that relax me and bring me some semblence of enjoyment is exactly what I need for my mental wellbeing. The last thing I need/can cope with this evening is drama.

And sadly OP that's what he relies on when he's behaving like this. You walking round on eggshells and avoiding any drama like the plague.

That's no way to live no matter how "nice" he can be the rest of the time.

And that’s exactly why you’re in this situation. He’s completely getting away with his abusive behaviour whilst you are completely passive a fucking doormat.

I honestly feel so angry about this. You are absolutely enabling his behaviour and you just can’t see it.

He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though

There is almost always a bad childhood explanation somewhere about why a man is nasty. The thing is, some personality traits are inherited, and although he may be a victim of a bad parenting, he could also have those traits inherent within him that he's got from his parents or somewhere in the family, irrespective of how he was treated as a child. You can't really change personalities like that, and I wouldn't believe in him saying 'he's too damaged'. That's likely something he just says to paint himself as a poor suffering soul.

People like this either have serious anger issues, or they are knowingly using it as an emotional weapon. The fact that it goers on for days makes me think it's the latter, and he is training you to never disagree with him.

At the moment, I think you feel upset and downtrodden, but you aren't nearly as angry as you should be, because I think you realise how disrespectful this is. He is wiping his feet all over your face with his behaviour.

Honestly, I have the living room to myself, I'm in control of the tv. A relaxing evening is not giving into him, it's doing what I need to calm my nervous system and please myself. Can't wait for Morocco v France!

Silent treatment is cruel and abusive. I would tell him (when he deigns to break his little protest) that you won’t accept it any longer.

He can ask for space and time but he doesn’t get to refuse to speak for hours/days on end.

Do you honestly not understand why I need an evening of being calm and kind to myself and have a break?

Also, the person who someone really is isn't how they behave when everything is going well, and everything is going their way. It's how they behave when they encounter conflict, and how they handle feeling powerful.

Bluntly no. Being kind to yourself is to put an end to the abuse. How can you be calm. Find your inner strength and bloody well do something about your failed relationship.

Sorry to hear that you don't understand how much I need a few hours of calm, but if you don't, you don't.

You could be describing my husband. I’d usually say it’s abusive behaviour (which it is), but some men (our DH’s by the sound of things), simply can’t communicate emotions so retreat into themselves and then can’t pull themselves out.

The trouble is that it feeds itself, you then you don’t feel you can talk about it because you don’t want him to sulk again, so nothing ever gets resolved.

I do push the issue a couple of days after he’s stopped sulking and that does seem to be helping, I ended up telling him he’s being abusive and showed him a few websites explaining it. I also said that next time he does it I’m going to go out and stay elsewhere and he can sulk in peace until he’s ready to apologise. It only happens in our household 2/3 times a year, but for me it’s 2/3 times too many,

@MyHorseAndMe thank you, that's so helpful xx

You sound young OP, am I right? You'll be writing the exact same thing in 10 years time, except by then you will have lost your love for him, you'll be desperately wanting to leave and looking forward to never have to deal with his shit again. Your love will die. He will kill it.
So it will be easier emotionally for you to leave then. But probably harder practically, simply due to the years of foundations you've built.

Whatever you do, DO NOT have children with him. He will use them as control over you rather than silence and there is nothing more terrifying.

Whatec

@whatisheupto no, I'm late 40's and we've been together for 20 years. This happens roughly once a year.

Is he still giving you the silent treatment? If yes, then you being calm and apparently accepting of it, is fuelling his behaviour. He believes he has you exactly where he wants you, completely passive. Shortly, your punishment will end and you’ll be grateful to him that he’s speaking to you again. And so it continues.

The only way to stop the cycle of abuse, is in your hands. Stop being so bloody passive FFS.

"If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode."

Have you EVER talked to him about this shit behaviour after he's started talking to you again? Have you told him how horrible it makes you feel?

If you haven't, there is a reason for this, and it lies in you.

Are your parents abandoners?

I'm not sure he's decided; it feels more like something that just happens autmatically

You are making excuses for how extremely obnoxious behaviour. He had a choice. He chooses to not speak to you! And I'm afraid to say but you're enabling this behaviour.
You also have a choice. You can choose many things, to call him out his behaviour, to accept it, to pack your bags and leave, plus all points in between. Right now, you're choosing to enable him.

It's not that people don't understand that you want to stay in your marriage. Of course you do. Divorce isn't an easy option and very few people enter a marriage without hoping it's lifelong. Sadly, so many women on here talk from bitter experience. They've done the begging, pleading, counselling, hoping, explaining, pandering and they're on the other side of it and see it clearly now. It's abuse, he's doing it on purpose, he won't change and you will gradually become a shell of a woman.

I wish people would stop insisting that the answer for abusive partners is for them 'to go to therapy'. -The subtext being that this will somehow miraculously 'cure' them, show them the error of their ways and turn them into respectful decent partners.

That is not what therapy is about and not what it is for and NO-ONE can or should be made to do it.

OP, the one who should be considering therapy is you. For YOU, the person who is hurt and bruised and feels unseen and cannot at all see the way out of her awful situation and who is losing the sense of who she really is, and as a result is hanging on for dear life to what is familiar and known.

What is it that makes you so set on placating your partner and making it all alright for him whilst squeezing your real self into a smaller and smaller little box? What did you learn about relationships from your own parents? What would it feel like, do you think, if you could find it in you to feel so good and sure and clear about yourself that you would not have to shrink your world every time someone attacked you? Your world is already so small and distorted that you cannot see any more how imprisoning it is, and you cannot even see that the door to freedom is right in front of your nose.

You need to find someone, a really good and professional someone, who can help you unpick all this. It will be the most rewarding gift you will ever give yourself.