Pain of silent treatment

[Hotterthanthesun]

Name changed for this post. I’ll start by saying I’ve read enough similar posts in the past that I know responses will probably be ‘this is abuse’, or that ‘I should leave’ and I’m prepared for that. I’m really only writing this as I feel so lonely and utterly miserable, and can’t talk to many people IRL and could do with getting out of my head and written down.

Following a falling out on Monday morning, my husband is giving me the silent treatment. We are now on day 4 and I don’t know how I’ll cope if it goes on much longer. This isn’t new behaviour, but it never gets easier to deal with. If it was me advising someone else I’d tell them to try and talk to him, reason with him, explain how it’s making you feel, however I just can’t as I know it will get worse or potentially prolong this episode.

On day 1 I matched his behaviour and just went about my business, kept myself busy and generally avoided him, but I always feel that I’m stooping to his level, and that it makes the atmosphere even worse. I’ve now switched to being polite, reasonable, pretending to be cheery when around him (then being in tears as soon as I’m alone) trying to make everyday conversation etc, to no avail. I feel as if the man I love and who says he loves me, hates me. It is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. If you’ve never experienced it, it’s so hard to explain - it makes me feel hyper-conscious of my actions, but at the same time I just want to completely disappear. I walked down the street earlier and was just wishing I was invisible as I felt so vulnerable. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I know you won’t believe it, but when he isn’t being like this, he has so many fantastic qualities (hence why I married him) and we have a great life and loads of fun, run a business together and feel solid. I honestly don’t think I want to end my marriage, but at times like this he feels like a very cruel stranger.

The general consensus is that this type of behaviour is about control, but I don’t know if I believe that in our case. He freely admits he has big problems with expressing emotion or understanding others emotions (he calls himself an emotional robot). He had a terrible childhood and very damaging relationship with his (now deceased) parents. I’ve suggested therapy several times and he says he thinks he is so damaged he is beyond help. I really do believe that this behaviour stems from not having any emotional tools to deal with expressing any kind of negative feeling. He just retreats into himself and shuts down. That doesn’t make it OK though.

Thank you for your support. Many of your well intended suggestions are either very impractical or just totally impossible given our specific circumstances re finances, house sales, ability to fund more than one home etc, but you don't know our specific detail so I do apprecate the general concensus of what you've said. Also, my gut feeling is if it did come to being apart, why should I be the one to leave our lovely home. Thank you

The silent treatment is actually one of the most severe types of emotional abuse that exists . He needs to talk to a therapist asap about this .

He has decided.

He will also decide when to talk to you again.

You need to decide whether you will continue to tolerate this behaviour. I know I wouldn’t.

You say it’s not that simple but as you don’t have children, it really is.

I would tell him that unless he stops this coercive controlling behaviour immediately our marriage will be over and at that point he will not need to talk to me again because all comms can go through my solicitor.

He’s a fucking prick.

PS. Most NHIS Talking Therapy Services have couples Counselling

That is fair enough. Only you know what will work for you. I think the key points still stand:

• Refuse to accept it. At most give the silent treatment back, don't try to reason or cajole. Decide your boundaries, threaten and then follow through consequences.
• Don't accept that this is beyond him - I bet he manages to avoid giving the customers and suppliers at his business the silent treatment and his friends. And even if it is beyond him, so what? That just makes him too damaged for co-habitation. It doesn't mean you should be required to suffer it.
• Choose the appropriate consequences for your situation that must involve you not enduring the silent treatment (so, in reality, if he will not stop, you cannot live together meaningfully) and be prepared to implement them.

4 days is fucking ridiculous. I used to work with someone who did this and I HATED it. There’s no way I could abide by it in my home. Someone’s quiet because of their mood, ok. This shit is absolutely childish, manipulative, abusive behaviour. If they did it to me just once, it would change my opinion about them.

Silent treatment is awful - my mother does it, and my brother has learned this from her as well. I've had to consciously choose not to do it. It might well be learned behaviour from his childhood years, but he needs to be a grown up and address it. It isn't just about not being able to express emotion, though, it is about punishment by withdrawing affection/intimacy/connection, and it is clearly having the desired effect on you. I would not humour him by playing nice and being cheery because that fuels and rewards this behaviour (and will encourage it the next time).

You have to find a way of breaking his dependence on 'silent treatment' as his -go-to when you have an argument. If you don't have kids to worry about, why don't you leave him a note saying when you feel ready to engage let me know, and just withdraw yourself from the situation for a few days? Go stay with a friend. That will give you some semblance of control over the situation, and also make you less anxious and constantly looking for signs of a thaw!

He is punishing you. When he feels like you have suffered enough, or you go grovelling back to him begging for forgiveness, he will start talking to you again.

In the meantime, he is enjoying the power it gives him over you.

There is no reason on Earth why you should continue to put up with this, and it does not matter whether he does it because of previous issues he's suffered. He is abusing you and you need to get away before he destroys you.

Will he discuss it once he comes out of this silent treatment period? What’s the longest he’s gone before?
I feel for you and understand what you are experiencing to a degree.

@hearts1989g no discussion, life will just gradually go back to normal.

@Toplayfor fairly succesful yes but only quite recently, it's been a slow burn.

Who cares why he does it. It’s horrible, you really don’t have to live like this.

Here, have my first LTB

Oh and think about it. He does it on purpose. Because he knows it hurts you.

is that the person you want in your life?

im so sorry, what do you need to set up independently?

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

Intention/trigger is irrelevant, the impact is the same on you.

If you believe that if he could get a handle on this behaviour, your relationship would otherwise be healthy, then you can't afford not to get therapy.

But not for you
and not jointly.

I would have a "come to Jesus" talk with him.

If he's still giving you the silent treatment, great, he can just fucking listen:-
a. he is breaking the relationship with this response to conflict
b. he is hurting you and chipping away at you with this response to conflict
c. unless he finds a new strategy for conflict, either through therapy or self-help, it will eventually kill your marriage.

Stop making excuses for him he’s behaving like a dick, poor upbringing or not he’s a grown man and is being disrespectful. Don’t know how you put up with it, he would have only done it the once and that would be it, especially for days on end. Stop letting him walk all over you.

I do think its possible he is blind to the impact of this due to his trauma responses. But that doesn't actually matter. You've told him how it affects you. He's made no effort to change. And that is the problem. Even if therapy doesn't sort out all of his problems, he can work on this.

I would be seeking a divorce if he couldn’t communicate like an adult in the future.

Life is far too short to waste time in such a toxic, immature and malicious relationship.

I know from personal experience what its like to have to rethink your entire future. Its hard, but it has to be done. You only get one life

If he's an emotional robot - he doesn't care about you. He doesn't care that he's currently hurting you

What are you telling yourself by staying? That this is the only life you're worth? Living with someone who doesn't give a shit about you?

Id be tempted to tell him that if he wants to have a days long sulk then he can leave the house to do it because you dont care to be surrounded by the toxicity of a petulant manbaby.
If he cannot address the sulking then he can remove it from your presence.

My husband has done this twice in 32 years. After the second time , I told him in front of friends, it was abuse and if he did it again I would leave. I meant it. We do still argue but no more silence.
Businesses can be sold. Houses can be sold. You or he can get a job Nothing is impossible.

Well that is not just up to him, is it?
YOU need a discussion. he doesn’t get to decide if it goes back to normal, all easy with no consequences. You have some power here.
Are you angry with him? I would be.

@AFigureWalks yes I'm angry, but also mixed in with being incredibly hurt, upset and desperately wanting my happy, loving, husband to re-appear.

I had this all the time, it is the most arrogant, disrespectful, controlling, manipulative cruelty.
teaching you a lesson until he deigns to forgive you.

im on day 12, of the latest round. Difference is this time he flounced on day 2. Told him not to come back and I have refused any communication

honestly this silence couldn’t be more golden

Oh OP that sounds so difficult.

I appreciate he will have his reasons for shutting down like this, and as you say, it might not be right to see it as a 'choice' exactly. At the same time, refusing to interact with or acknowledge someone is a form of emotional abuse. If a man hits a woman, we might appreciate the context of what he's been through in his life and why it might be hard for him to regulate his emotions, but we would still (I hope) say that the abuse is unacceptable. I would argue that we should any sort of emotional abuse - verbal insults, controlling behaviours and yes, silent treatment - in exactly the same way.

I'm not sure what you can do. A poster suggested consequences but you say it wouldn't be possible to implement that approach. It sounds like you want to be with him, and also that your lives are very much intertwined in practical ways that are difficult to change. Ideally your DH would get support but to do so he'd need to recognise that it's a problem and commit to working on it, and be able to access what he needs on a practical level, and there is a lot that could derail this.

Two suggestions from me (both of which I accept might be things you've tried and have found useless already, in which case I'm sorry!):

1. Could you perhaps write him a card that explains exactly what he is doing that is upsetting you, the impact it is having on you, and what you wish he would do differently? The tone could be as loving and gentle or as firm as you like. Perhaps a card would give him time to process his own emotions and response, and it might have a sort of physical power that a text can't achieve (although since people can lose or throw away cards, I'd probably photograph it too and be ready to reinforce via text if required).

2. Could you perhaps stop pretending to be cheerful and normal? I'm not saying give him the silent treatment back, which stoops to his level. You could still be civil, and make it clear that your door, so to speak, is open to him when he's ready to connect again. But I don't think the cheerful thing is going to help either of you. If his goal (consciously or not) is to control and punish you, and to get a sense of stability back for himself as a result, your cheerfulness might antagonise him further and make him double down. Pretending to ignore what he's doing to you might be interpreted by him as a message that he's not getting to you and that he's not powerful enough to hurt you (which would probably make anyone more pissed off tbh, especially if he has a particular vulnerability to feeling powerless and not knowing how to cope with it). If his issue is more not being able to get other people's emotions, he might find these signals from you confusing and might take from it that you're ok with him doing this. Conversely, if he can tell that your cheerfulness is fake, my instinct is that the most likely reaction for this to bring up in him is contempt, because actually seeing you do that might reinforce his sense of power.

Amateur psychology when you don't know the people involved is always risky of course.

Whatever happens, and whether any advice you get on here helps or not... here is a handhold. Sometimes situations are rubbish and we need empathy, not advice. Good luck.